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I think I want him back, but not sure if NC cause don't know if I'm dumper or dumpee

conehead

By conehead
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198151/

 

The link above gives details of the breakup. The thing is, I know NC works for the dumpee in getting the ex back, but in this case, I really don't know if I was the dumper or the dumpee. So what was I and what should I do?

 

We've been strict NC for 2 weeks immediately since the breakup. I really miss my ex, and I always wake u in the morning with a very empty/unsettling feeling :(.

northstar1 Established Member

northstar1

Posted
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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198151/

 

The link above gives details of the breakup. The thing is, I know NC works for the dumpee in getting the ex back, but in this case, I really don't know if I was the dumper or the dumpee. So what was I and what should I do?

 

We've been strict NC for 2 weeks immediately since the breakup. I really miss my ex, and I always wake u in the morning with a very empty/unsettling feeling :(.

 

Is this the 'ex' that you werent' sure you were in love with and wanted to keep the sex in the closet until marriage?

 

Look, NC is hard, no doubt, one of the hardest things you will do. Honestly 2 weeks is not long (despite it feeling as such). All of us who have gone through it have woken up with that feeling in our stomachs.

It's all part of the healing process.

 

Now, ask yourself, are you looking to break NC because you are having a hard time coping and believe that contact of any sort will ease that somehow (hint: it doesn't)? Or do you truly believe you were a good match and had a good, solid relationship built on respect?

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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I feel like I want to talk to him. I wonder perhaps if I just didn't show him enough that I love him and want to be with him. Maybe he feels rejected because I pulled way back with the physical intimacy...perhaps it was more than just the sex. He must think I pulled back because I lost interest or don't want him, when that is not the case. He must of linked the lack of sex to something deeper, such as how I feel about him. But I was stupid to just tell him I'm done with him so quickly. Ugh. I really want to talk to him, but not sure how to proceed.

northstar1 Established Member

northstar1

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I feel like I want to talk to him. I wonder perhaps if I just didn't show him enough that I love him and want to be with him. Maybe he feels rejected because I pulled way back with the physical intimacy...perhaps it was more than just the sex. He must think I pulled back because I lost interest or don't want him, when that is not the case. He must of linked the lack of sex to something deeper, such as how I feel about him. But I was stupid to just tell him I'm done with him so quickly. Ugh. I really want to talk to him, but not sure how to proceed.

 

You are still in the bargaining stage of grief. You are trying to place blame on yourself and are doing the 'what if's' and figure if you talk to him, it will magically make things better.

 

Didn't sound like you were compatible to me.

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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I know you are discouraging me from it, but what if I really really am considering wanting him back? I mean if that was the case, what should I do in order to go about with that?

 

Thing is, that empty feeling in my stomach got alot worse over past 2 days. I miss him :(.

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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Anyone else with advice on what to do? :(

 

Getting bit desperate here and not sure how much longer I can keep up with this NC

NopeNah Established Member

NopeNah

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The only thing you can do is put it out there. If he feels the same great! If not then you can begin moving on with your life.

Beeotch Established Member

Beeotch

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NC doesn't get your ex back....

 

Getting your ex back is solely based on if THEY want you back.

 

No amount of tricks can do that...and if SOMEHOW you manage to trick them or manipulate them into being with you again, sooner or later it will wear off and they will up and leave again.

 

I say your best bet is to try to let your feelings be known....apologize for what you must and tell them how you feel ONCE and not in an overbearing way.Then leave it up to them after.

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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The only thing you can do is put it out there. If he feels the same great! If not then you can begin moving on with your life.

 

NC doesn't get your ex back....

 

Getting your ex back is solely based on if THEY want you back.

 

No amount of tricks can do that...and if SOMEHOW you manage to trick them or manipulate them into being with you again, sooner or later it will wear off and they will up and leave again.

 

I say your best bet is to try to let your feelings be known....apologize for what you must and tell them how you feel ONCE and not in an overbearing way.Then leave it up to them after.

 

I don't want to play games, but I also want to know if I was the dumper or the dumpee. If I was the dumper, then ok I think its worth risking my pride.

 

But if I was the dumpee, then somehow the idea of me being dumped only to put my heart out there to be trampled again, really does not sit well with me. I guess the one thing I'd have left is my dignity...for now at least.

boogieboy Established Member

boogieboy

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If you want him back, your dignity has nothing to do with it. Either you tell him you want him back, or you move on.

tinktronik Established Member

tinktronik

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I don't want to play games, but I also want to know if I was the dumper or the dumpee. If I was the dumper, then ok I think its worth risking my pride.

 

But if I was the dumpee, then somehow the idea of me being dumped only to put my heart out there to be trampled again, really does not sit well with me. I guess the one thing I'd have left is my dignity...for now at least.

 

You were the dumpee. You set down your limits, he was not willing to meet those limits. He backed off.

 

The other posters are right, you two do not sound compatible. Stay with NC.

Surfer Girl Established Member

Surfer Girl

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Perhaps it was mutual...... whether you are the dumper or dumpee.... If he wanted to get back together he would let you know.... I don't think it matters.... If someone loves you enough.... they dont' care who dumps who they just care enough to let the other person know if they realize you are the one they want to be with....

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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Perhaps it was mutual...... whether you are the dumper or dumpee.... If he wanted to get back together he would let you know.... I don't think it matters.... If someone loves you enough.... they dont' care who dumps who they just care enough to let the other person know if they realize you are the one they want to be with....

 

I know, but I can say 'if he really loves me, he'd let me know'....while he can also say the same like 'if conehead really loves me, she'd let me know'

 

I mean i guess if we both think that way, it won't happen :(.

 

I guess I always think the dumper should make the first move. One person here said I'm the dumpee, while some say its mutual. Dunno.

seoa Established Member

seoa

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I guess I always think the dumper should make the first move.

It's completely irrelevant if you were the dumper or dumpee...!

 

"Always" and "never" are scary words in terms of how people 'should' behave... There are no absolutes!

 

If you want to communicate *once* that your perspective is that you are still interested in resuming your relationship, under conditions X and Y, then go ahead and do that. It will stop you obsessing.

 

NC is all about keeping your self-respect, so the call should be reasonable in tone (i.e. don't go all scary emotional on him) - if you can't talk to him without breaking down into tiny pieces, then send an email or leave a voicemail.

 

Then resume NC.

boogieboy Established Member

boogieboy

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Theres nothing to re-evaluate. If you want him back, call him. He will either say yes or no.

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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It looks to me that you're the dumper. Good to have made your stand. If you give up now and chose to get back with him now, you are closer to compromising your belief.

 

If anything, take this as a test to see if he still want in even if it means that he will have to wait to get intimate. Time will tell if he's worth it or not.

 

 

Did you look at the corrected link I posted?

 

I like your thought process above though :). thx

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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Gosh darn it I've been wrestling over to call him or not for like the past few days. Ugh. Why is it sooo hard?!?!?!

NopeNah Established Member

NopeNah

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Up to you..but, as someone who was the dumpee.. I moved on rather quickly and when she returned I gave up almost a month of my life to try again..I broke it off with her Sunday night. As what we had was gone and I could see no signs of it ever returning. She's the complete opposite of what i'm looking for in life. It took her making the first break and her returning for me to realize this. what i'm saying is I gave up around two months of my life wanting,wishing, and hoping..only to be back to going on with my life alone(for now). There's nothing wrong with that, at all. Just don't waste your days with 'what if's'..we've only got so many on this rock! ;)

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conehead Established Member

conehead

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I'm seriuosly considering calling my ex, not necessarily to get back with him but at the very least to talk to him. Just to test the waters I suppose. But thing is, I have no idea how to even talk to him or go about that given the situation. Advice?

NopeNah Established Member

NopeNah

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It's not rocket science, dear. If you feel you want to talk to him to see where things are and can handle the possible rejection. Pick up the phone and dial his number. A simple "Hey, just seeing how you are/what's been going on?ect.." Should do..

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