racemom Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I have been trying to get past an affair. In March my husband began talking to an old girlfriend who found him on Facebook. I knew from the beginning that something wasn't right. He began acting different and smiled from ear to ear when chatting with her. I expressed my concerns and was told i was being rediculous. He then told me to friend her and i was see all was well. So, against my better judgement, i did. She called and texted me all the time. She even assured me that she isn't that type of person and would never do that. This went on for 2 months. I knew in my gut that it wansn't right. I began not eating, sleeping, lost weight and began smoking after 10 yrs. He had a "business" trip out of state where she lived. I put up a fight and he "cancelled" the trip. Then one day he said the couldn't cancel flight/hotel. I had no choice but to let him go. We have three kids and i couldn't go. I knew he was having dinner with her....i know, how stupid am i!!! When he got back from the trip and i saw his face i knew. But he denied. Then one night out with friends, they came to me and said something was up. The next morning i went to his computer, while he was still sleeping, and saw my fears play out. There was an email from her that said " how was it to have sex with your wife after me." I threw up. Then i drug his a** out of bed and screamed and yelled. I left the house. He called me and said come home. We were leaving for Disney World with our kids the next day. I came home and yelled for hours and he said he was sorry...cried. I told him he had to never talk to her again. He agreed. We went to Disney. Not that i wanted to but my kids ome first. At Disney he thought we were gonna go back to normal. I told him no and he told me to get over it!! Then i found a text to her that said " be patient baby...i can't talk because my wife is watching my like a hawk". We had it out, outside the hotel at 2am. I asked if he loved her and he said "i don't know!!" Anywho....we went home. And the betrayl just kept going. After much searching and digging i found out that he planned to havev the affair. He even bought her a hear necklace and gave it to her. After saying he would stop communicating with her i caught him several more times. He always said i was overreacting or acting like a hild over the whole thing!! He won't talk to me about the details and it is killing me. He has said he will never talk to me about it. How am i supposed to get over this?? I still love him...i know i'm stupid and we have 3 kids. There is so much more to this story but here is some of it. Any advice on how to handle it?
eeyore1981 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I don't see how you are going to be able to get past something that is still ongoing. Here is what happened to me. My husband did end his affair, but he wouldn't stop lying to me. "It was just a friendship..." I joined this forum approx. 5 months after D-day, because I was losing my mind. Most of the advice I got on here was "If he is unwilling to be honest, give full disclosure, etc. dump him." I heard, I understood, but I couldn't seem to follow through. We, too, have 3 children, had been together 23 years at the time, I LOVED him, etc. THE POINT OF MY STORY: It is now 2 years since D-day. Last night I told my husband to find another place to live. The only thing I have accomplished is to waste 2 more years of my life with a person who is always going to put himself and his well-being above my own. It doesn't matter how much I love him, what matters is how much he loves me, and the sorry truth is it can't be very much for him to be content to leave me hanging in limbo, not able to trust, not feeling okay about any of this, just for him to avoid the unpleasantness of admitting what he did. From your post, your husband is treating you 10 times worse than mine treated me after discovery. Part of the reason I stayed was for my kids, my youngest was 16 at the time, and he is very screwed up right now, IMO, because I stayed. You are going to do what you want, but girl, if I could go back 2 years and change the decision I made, I would, with no hesitation. I would be in a much better place right now, maybe alone, or maybe even with a man who would treat me like a human being.
2sure Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Unless you want the affair to continue, or another one to take its place, or to feel like you are out of your mind, always the bad guy... You are going to have to give him (and Her) consequences. Right now, you and your children are the only victims of this abuse. Its difficult, but what have you to lose? Its either divorce or recovery. You cannot go forward in a healthy way with either of those options unless HE feels the consequences of his actions. Reveal the charade that is currently your life to everyone. His family, your family, HER spouse/SO. Thats the first thing, and the most important thing. Take the whole thing out of the closet and out of your lap. Take the secret away and the power it has will be gone. This is my 3rd and final D-Day with my H. I/We did everything BUT this, because I thought it was too drastic. Now its too late.
jasminetea Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Bloody hell. These stories make me so angry and so sad. Racemom, I can only reiterate what eyeore has already said and I know you'll do what you want and I know that leaving is very, very difficult, especially when children are involved. However, it is possible to look after yourself and your children without him, infact it will become very much easier to do so without the emotional rollercoaster you're currently on. Bear in mind that right now he has the best of both worlds, an affair partner and a wife. You've been trying to curtail those choices he currently has by trying to get him to give up his OW, but the only factor you can control is yourself. So instead of narrowing his choices for him by trying to remove something that you have no control over - the OW, remove the one thing you can control and, more importantly, he can't. You. You've been controlled by his lies and by his empty promises, now its time to take control of yourself and start making decisions that are right for you and your children. Look at what eeyore has written and don't have the same regrets.
MistyK Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Ouch. It's impossible to "get over" something that isn't over. He has shown you through his actions that he has no intention of ending the affair. He's been banking on the fact that you are not willing to pursue divorce as an option. He will keep pushing you and pushing you until you reach your limit because he knows he can. Perhaps if you show him the door (for real) he will end the affair. But the bigger issue is that he has now shown you over a long period of time that he doesn't care about your feelings, he's going to do whatever he wants regardless. I know you love him, but what are you getting out of keeping the marriage together?
Lovely10 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Your situation resonates strongly with mine. I hesitate in giving advice in this situation because, in all honesty, it isn't what I did... I stuck it out and fought in the trenches with my husband day in and day out following D'day. However, to the best of my knowledge ended the affair. I say to the best of my knowledge... because it is what I understand to be the case. If I were back in time on D'day this is what I would have done: 1. Contacted her husband. 2. Contacted her. 3. Told his parents. 4. Moved him out of the house and pulled the 180 immediately. Let him feel the 'reality' of his situation. 5. Refused his calls and put the ball in his court. Let him come crawling back with whatever I needed instead of pulling teeth for a year. 6. After about a week or two, perhaps I would have spoken to him. 7. Kept all copies of everything I discovered. My husband pulled the same crap with an ex and did his deed on 'business trips'. Do what 2sure recommends and 'out him'. Let him answer to his siblings and parents... rat her out. Let the two of them be embarrassed and be caught with their proverbial pants down.
foreal Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I told him he had to never talk to her again. He agreed. Then i found a text to her that said " be patient baby...i can't talk because my wife is watching my like a hawk". After much searching and digging i found out that he planned to havev the affair. After saying he would stop communicating with her i caught him several more times. He has said he will never talk to me about it. Your husband is showing you who he is. Believe him.
eeyore1981 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Your husband is showing you who he is. Believe him. That is REALLY, REALLY good advice.
Author racemom Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 That is where i am. I have know for 4 months and tired to be over it. I have spoken to her and his family know's. So do our friends. I have been told that it is over....hope that's the case but i still want the details. Thanks for all the advice. I don't feel strong enough and just lost in how to get what i want and need. He is so dumb in the fact that all he has to do is talk to me about it and help me understand why he did it. But instead he has chosen this path, which is certain to lead to divorce. He is counting on the fact that i don't work and have no money.
foreal Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 That is where i am. I have know for 4 months and tired to be over it. I have spoken to her and his family know's. So do our friends. I have been told that it is over....hope that's the case but i still want the details. Thanks for all the advice. I don't feel strong enough and just lost in how to get what i want and need. He is so dumb in the fact that all he has to do is talk to me about it and help me understand why he did it. But instead he has chosen this path, which is certain to lead to divorce. He is counting on the fact that i don't work and have no money. Have you looked into IC (counseling)? Or MC? Books to get that may help you in the meantime: Not Just Friends; Intimacy After Infidelity; How Can I Forgive You?
Author racemom Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I am in IC and we had ONE session of MC. But until he talks to me and i know what all happend i can't get past it or begin to heal. I don't think it's a rediculous request. This wasn't just a sex thing. He told her he loved her! That is the hardest part. I wanna know why? And what he didn't have from me that he needed from her. I have had many talks with the OW and she told me some of what happend and was said. So, i guess he has shown his love and respect, or lack of respect, by not trying to help me heal.
foreal Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 So, i guess he has shown his love and respect, or lack of respect, by not trying to help me heal. I feel so bad for you! My H cheated and thankfully he is helping me heal...yet it is still VERY DIFFICULT and painful... ... if your H won't help you, you can still help yourself become stronger so you can make a decision from a place of strength, not desperation or fear. I do recommend the books above- they can help you start moving in a direction- you might feel paralyzed right now which is understandable.
Author racemom Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks for all the great advice. I think i am ready to make him have consequences for once and ask him to leave. Whether we make it through or not i can't keep letting him hurt me and not help me.
foreal Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks for all the great advice. I think i am ready to make him have consequences for once and ask him to leave. Whether we make it through or not i can't keep letting him hurt me and not help me. That is right. It takes two to make a M work. There is another good site for info: survivinginfidelity.com there is a section called the 'healing library'..it has a lot of good reading and overall the site has a lot of good people and advise- and situations like yours!!...sometimes it helps to know you are not alone, or crazy!! Good Luck Racemom!! hang in there and keep posting if you need support.
LakesideDream Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Unless you want the affair to continue, or another one to take its place, or to feel like you are out of your mind, always the bad guy... You are going to have to give him (and Her) consequences. Right now, you and your children are the only victims of this abuse. Its difficult, but what have you to lose? Its either divorce or recovery. You cannot go forward in a healthy way with either of those options unless HE feels the consequences of his actions. Reveal the charade that is currently your life to everyone. His family, your family, HER spouse/SO. Thats the first thing, and the most important thing. Take the whole thing out of the closet and out of your lap. Take the secret away and the power it has will be gone. This is my 3rd and final D-Day with my H. I/We did everything BUT this, because I thought it was too drastic. Now its too late. 2sure. I'm never big on destroying another persons life and happiness. That's not a responsibility that I'm willing to carry. The WS's spouse, in this case the Husband, and the children if any are not responsible for the WS's felonies. The WS doesent deserve the pain. That's up to the members of that marriage.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks for all the great advice. I think i am ready to make him have consequences for once and ask him to leave. Whether we make it through or not i can't keep letting him hurt me and not help me. You're doing the right thing. As painful and as hard as this is for you to do, it has to be done. Yes, he has to understand that his actions/choices have consquences. If he wants the OW, he can't have you. Bottomline right now, he is wanting you both and will do anything to try to convince you to hang on, give him time and he'll also tell the OW to wait for him, lie to her too. He is so used to having two women in his life, to give up one is probably killing him. He's in an affair fog and can't see around the corner. Look after you and your kids, let him go do whatever he needs to do.. Be prepared to let him go, but IF you choose to take him back, don't let him move back in. He needs to suffer for abit, and also get counselling, alone and with you. His words mean nothing, his actions is what counts. One thing that could happen, you kicking him out could wake him up as the affair and sneaking off, having a woman on the side won't be as exciting for him.. Especially too since the OW is married, it might be wise to let her husband know what's been going on. It'll make it harder for them to sneak off.
jasminetea Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Ditto everything WWIU has said. Also start getting all your ducks in a row, collate all the proof you have of his affair, start researching where you stand legally with regards to your house etc. Whatever happens it won't hurt to be prepared for any eventuality. You're doing the right thing, be sure of that
Recommended Posts