leap83 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Well, you've probably read my story like a million times already because I've been complaining about the same guy for a month and a half now. I want to thank everyone who has helped me through - honestly, I can't thank you enough and if I could send you all a bottle of wine, I would. I'm stuck in limbo right now, knowing that he's going to be back from vacation soon and like he promised, he will call - that dreadful day WILL come. If he doesn't call, it would be a huge surprise because he has NEVER EVER broken something he says - not even when we were trying to work through these issues. I don't know what is worse - the fact that he might call me this week or next week or the fact that my stomach flips every time I think about it. I'm trying hard to get out and not think about this: for the past couple of days I have done more than ever to avoid being at home and alone. He's a CB - that I have determined by reading "He's Scared, She's Scared". The worst thing ever is that I have realized that partly I'm that as well - CBs attract other CBs. So I'm trying really hard not to run away from this one, yet I have no idea how to handle the situation. So, he'll call either this week or next (next for sure because we were supposed to see each other). My plan was not to answer the phone and let him leave a message. Then not call him back. If he calls me again, I won't pick up again. Then I would call him a week later. Or, he calls me, I don't pick up/let him leave a msg then call back 2 days later. He's a very respectful guy so if he senses that I need space or don't want to talk, he'll just automatically stop calling. He's not obsessive or anything like that. His issues seem like they're driving him down and he doesn't know how to respond. So right now, he's not thinking clearly and neither am I. If I ever get to talk with him, I wouldn't know what to say. We already apologized for hurting each other. I figured I would just listen to him and keep the convo short. I don't want to run away from my problems. I need to face them. I've been NC for 5 days now. Last convo was horrible because I was hurting and so was he - it created an even bigger mess. I don't want to create a mess anymore but I also want to protect my heart for what is coming my way. I don't think it'll hold. I don't think I can move on until this is resolved. Edit: Forgot to mention something. He said how if he were with me, right now, he wouldn't be there "mentally". No mention of emotionally. So he's consumed in his thoughts about everything? Whatever. It doesn't matter. I just want it resolved and over with so I can move on.
Rudderless Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 leap, I'm not sure about going down the route of almost planning out a little game to play with him. I can see why you're thinking this way - you want to send a message to him, but what he thinks isn't that important - it's what you think that is. Perhaps the fact that this whole situation is causing you so much turmoil should focus you on what you want.
Author leap83 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 What I want, I can't have. I'm not trying to play games. That's not my intention. I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. I know he will call and when he does, I WANT to pick up the phone but I KNOW if I do that, here we go again - same old pattern. I'm falling into the same pattern over and over again. Today I finished reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" and it flipped my stomach upside down. Not only did the "passive commitmenophobic" describe ME, but the "active commitmenophobic" described HIM. All of the signs were there RIGHT from the start. I just chose to ignore them. I'll post another thread on LS about this since I know many are dealing with this. I want to hear from him. I want to talk with him. I want to be with him. It's so pathetic. I want to work this out. Yet I KNOW I can't.
georgia girl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Gosh, I feel for you... this is so hard sometimes. Leap, my best advice is to decide what it is that you want from him (which is probably him saying that he wants you back and is willing to work on the relationship). Then, decide how he can PROVE that to you. From there, work out your response. If you need him to call a few times and prove he's got a little staying power, do it. If you need him to show up at your house and talk to you, then hold out for that. If you just need time to sort out what the heck you're feeling, then just ignore him. This is about you, your feelings and what you need. Then, you can worry about your relationship and if it will survive. But figure out what you want, how he can meet that threshold and how you will give him that opportunity. For example, for me, it was ignore, ignore, ignore. I just needed space from him. That's when he finally asked me to come back. At that point, I needed him to prove it to me. So, I took it very slowly. Now, I am ready to work on the relationship, so we are. Does any of this make sense? Good luck. This is so hard and love really shouldn't be this hard.
Rudderless Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 sorry leap, I wasn't implying you were intending to game play, I was just wondering what good it would do to delay speaking to him if you want to speak to him. That said I think what georgia girl wrote above is very good advice.
Author leap83 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 GG: I just posted another topic. I have gulped every word you have written on this forum. Honestly. I went out and read the book - the topic I posted really shows how much of it is now very clear. I feel ****ty because ALL of my relationships have been with commitmenophobic men. I'm feeling "yuck". Everything makes sense. I'm scared of losing him. That's the truth. I'm so scared. I know I need to back away and I'm doing that. If he calls, I will ignore... Ignore, Ignore, Ignore... Until I hear on my answering machine something to prove to me he wants this. If he calls me 4 times after I don't return his calls, I will give him a call back. If not, I move on. I closed my Fb account. I blocked his e-mail address. I blocked him on dating website. I did everything the book told me to. I'm working on my feelings and myself. I need to understand why I pick the men I pick. Why am I like this? Probably because of my dad. Rudderless: No. I'm sorry. I'm such a disappointment. If it came off as though I was angry or attacking you, I'm so, so, so sorry. Today has been an eye-opening day. It's been a horrible feeling. It's been everything I dreaded. All of the feelings came flooding back. You've been there for me through most of my issues. You want the best for me, yet I keep disappointing you. I become strong, then I fall apart. Yet I'm utterly thankful for all of the inputs you've given me. I've learned so much. I'm sorry.
Rudderless Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 oh leap, really no need to apologise, no, not a disappointment at all. I think you're handling this just fine. I can totally empathise with your situation right now and how difficult it is. Really, give yourself a break.
georgia girl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Please don't think I'm that smart - and feel free to ignore me. (I think I'm gettin a little bossy so I need to tone myself down.) I'm glad you have a plan, though, and I am going to read your post. Can't wait to see what it says!
Author leap83 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Rudderless: Haha. I will try to light up some candles to relieve all of the stress. Thank you for everything. You have no idea how much you mean to me. Really. If I get snappy, put me back where I belong. You've been there for me any time I needed someone. You're incredible. GG: You're not bossy. You've been through this. You know what you're talking about. And you're 100% right. I just wish I wasn't in this mess right now. As you can see, my relationship was "ugh... gulp... GAAAAAAAAAAAAH" from the other post. Typical. *rolls eyes* Thank you for everything.
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