ryepatch Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 just wondering if anyone else thinks about this reading through the forums. . . it seems to make a big difference whether or not you have kids with your partner in terms of whether or not they stay in touch with you, or act like there are things that need to be worked out. my wife and i have three cats that we've travelled all over the country with and love as our children. . . yet she was able to walk away and say "they're not mine anymore, i can't deal with seeing them. . . they're just animals" and suggest we drop them off in an abandoned lot next door to our neighbor's house (and our neighbors have big dogs, and it's over 100 degrees here most of the summer!). end of story. no responsibility. i know some walkaway spouses sort of abandon their kids to the left behind spouse, but it seems like they usually have some contact and some input into parenting at some point. and, inevitably, they have some contact with the partner they left. it's just that it frustrates me, since my wife is unwilling to discuss things like paying our taxes and switching utilities off and what to do about the cats, what to do about all our common possessions and responsibilities, and i feel like she wouldn't be able to get away with that as much if we had kids. also, there's the fact of custody needing to be worked out during a divorce, which at least here you can ask for a psychiatric evaluation of your spouse and demand conciliation talks for purposes of custody. i'm also terrified that she'll never speak to me again (even though our therapist and our friends don't think that's likely), and i'll never get any sense of what's going on with her and which of the things she said were true. plus she won't see any positive changes in me, and i won't have any chance to say certain things to her that i feel need to be said. there's also the fact that when you have kids, there's motivation to just soldier on for them, to get yourself together and get a job or keep going to work for the sake of your kids. and there's someone at home with you (if your spouse didn't take them). whereas i'm not going to live my life just for our cats. . . they're not MY cats anyway, dammit! (obviously, there are many ways in which it's much more difficult if you have kids, i'm not trying to say it's better, just that certain things about this process are different, and it frustrates me, and i personally wish we would have had kids. it be nice to have someone to save all these mementos for someday, since i have to put them all in storage or decide whether to throw them out, but its too soon to throw them out.). any thoughts?
silverfish Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I think you need to look more at like - you are going through a separation, and you have to deal with your kids loss at the same time. As well as your own loss, you have to think about them too. If, like me, your own parents were divorced, you know that divorce is actually much harder on the kids than the adults in lots of ways. Adults can move on, meet someone else, and start again. Children don't have the choice over what happens a lot of the time. Also, the fact that you have to deal with your ex on a weekly basis is very very difficult. especially if you still love them and have not had a proper resolution to the relationship, and they are with someone else. I think what I am trying to say is that, yes it makes a difference that they stay in touch etc, but the sad thing is that it's not because they want you back.
Author ryepatch Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 yes, definitely hard for the kids. i was just talking about the adult's point of view. and i know seeing your ex weekly is hard. . . but a lot of us wish for that, for any excuse to see them, whether or not they want us back. again, not trying to suggest that one or the other is harder. just wanted to hear perspectives on whether people wish they did or didn't have kids with their spouse, and what the difficulties are. we all have so much in common, but i'm interested in the differences, too.
silverfish Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 That's easy then - I am really thankful I had children with my ex. I've already said what the difficulties are. I understand that it must be terrible never to see your ex, and believe me, I am guilty of using those times as an excuse to drag up issues between him & me to try and get 'answers'. Thing is, all it does is prolong the agony. Then there is the inevitable passing on of information by your children (they can't help it). On Boxing Day I let my ex spend the day in my house with my kids because he had nowhere else to go. I went out and came back to find a present - asked who it was from : 'Michelle' Those are the times when you have to be all 'grown up' and smile and say 'that's nice' when mentally you are on the floor. I personally think it's been harder for me to move on because of this. Still - no regrets
singledad2 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 You ever heard tht Divorce was worse than death? Well the having to put up with them afterwards is why. I sometimes wish she had just left and never came back. I could have been farther down the road instead of walking a tightrope waiting for something that will likely never happen. Until i realize she is out there not giving a dang about me, I stay focused on her instead of myself and kids. Her communications are about the kids or herself, not about "us". "how are the kids?" I tried to call (daughter) but you didn't answer. "Please wire the settlement tomorrow". Believe me, this is NOT what you want. She won't acknowledge any positive changes anyway, so don't make them for her make them FOR YOU. What you need to be doing is for yourself and its a blessing not having to deal with her FOREVER like I have to.
Auroracoladybug Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Rye...the thing is that everyone has different situations...with or without kids it will be as difficult as it is. Some of us with children would prefer if they just dissapeared because they don't care as much about their children as themselves and yet we care and even still love them and think that they need the time with the children just as the children need time with them. It may have been a horrible marriage for both H and W and yet the kids are losing what they have known and the fears you have as a parent to do the right thing (you know the saying there is no owners manual) is just compounded all the more...No I don't want J back for my son...I want him back because I love him but there are a lot of things that he would have to change too just like I would to make things work...I know that J wants nothing to do with marriage with me anymore and even then he is so lost as to what to do about his son...Me? I will cherish my son and always love J...if I didn't have to see him it would break my heart yet I have to see him and it is a ever present reminder that the person I feel in love with and showed me so much compassion and care just evaporated out of his body... no dealing with the shell is just as bad as if I was not able to see him... The cats are lucky because they are not human and do not have as much dependence on their parents as children do...you could find another loving home for them but you like the comfort they have been to you...she has decided that she doesn't want their comfort anymore and does not care about them...don't dwell on that because all you need to do is make you happy.
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