Chalky Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I have a dilemma about timing a break up. I really want to break up as soon as possible because the relationship is screwing up my peace of mind. Problem is that her birthday is in a week and she says she has spent lots of money on a day out for us; also she has a big meeting at work on Thursday and could lose her job. Whichever way you cut it this is tricky for me. If I delay then I could be accused of being mean for dumping her after she has been sacked. It would be her own fault to some extent because I broke up with her in June and she said she wanted to be friends, then “****buddies” and we eventually drifted back together. I feel I was manipulated and my willingness to be friendly has backfired. I certainly did not expect or ask for the sex to continue but it was hard to turn down. Wrong, I know. I feel the whole let’s be friends scenario is a minefield that can be worse than staying in the relationship. I feel that deep down she is basically using me for sex but makes out she loves me. To make matters worse I have discovered she and my ex have a mutual friend and I don’t want to give them any more ammunition to slag me off with if they get to know each other.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 There's going to be ammunition either way. If you break up with her before the birthday you are not supportive and a total jerk especially if she goes to the meeting and loses her job too! It can be said that "he waited until after your birthday and he was faking all of that the whole time??!! That makes you a jerk. If you wait until after the birthday you let her spend all that money on the two of you and that makes you a jerk. ESPECIALLY if she loses her job. That is grade A jerk right there. There is no "good time" to break up with someone and you are doing both of you a disservice to stay because of circumstances. You should have already done it since you do not want to be in a relationship with her. And the writing is kind of on the walls since you broke up and then drifted back together with no intention of doing so. Just man up and get it over with. Be prepared to take fallout if there is any. This is the way life is. It can get messy.
adamt Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 There is no perfect time to break up with someone. it is also unfair to string someone along. You have to break up as soon as possible. if you wait until her birthday she might tell everyone how happy she is with you on her birthday. and before you know it she is making more plans. My ex broke up with me the day they buried her mom's ashes. She said she couldnt believe she was doing it on that day. I was devastated. We didn't have an arguement or anything. But looking back she had wanted to split up for a while. She will probably hate you no matter how you break up with her.
seoa Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Problem is that her birthday is in a week and she says she has spent lots of money on a day out for us; also she has a big meeting at work on Thursday and could lose her job. I agree, there's no good time... better to do it sooner rather than later, because it sounds like the longer you wait, the more angry you will get with her, and then you will be less decent in the *way* in which you break up with her... For myself - if the work meeting (Thu) is one where she has to perform well to impress & not lose her job - I'd wait until after... if it's just an information-giving meeting, then it makes no odds either way...
jb1173 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 In early August my ex broke up with me a week after I lost my job. Yes, it was a double kick in the teeth, for sure. In my case, I didn't see it coming at all. We were not fighting at all and he was affectionate and loving up until literally an hour before he ended it. A couple of days after I was laid off my ex asked me to move in with him (I did not take him up on his offer, because I did not want him to feel used...I do not use people). Yet, as he was dumping me I asked him how long he knew he wanted out of the relationship and he responded that it had been a couple of weeks. Talk about leaving me in a complete state of confusion. I still don't know why anyone would continue to say "I love you", mention moving in together or be affectionate towards someone they had already wanted to leave. To make matters even more painful and confusing, he broke up with me the night before his birthday. I already bought him his birthday gift a couple of weeks before...a telescope and another trinket...and had just picked up his birthday cake from the bakery that morning. In short, if you were dissatisfied with the relationship days or weeks ago, then you should have ended it then. You have been using her, and you know it! Shame on you!
adamt Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My ex broke up with me a week before her birthday. I remember asking what she wanted for her birthday 1-2 months in advance and she kepts saying you dont need to spend much as you already got me a concert ticket.. I thought she was just being polite but now i realise she was wanting to split up and didnt want me to get her an expensive present
joseffrost Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My ex waited until after my first-year exams, which was damn decent of her? Don't you think?
Author Chalky Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Thanks for your judgement jb. Shame on her too for taking advantage of my genuine willingness to attempt to remain friends with no hidden agenda, to slowly manipulate me back into the relationship and dump all the responsibility for decision making about the future of the relationship on my shoulders and then box me in by booking things without consulting me. In fact she originally made plans not to spend her birthday with me but seemed to change her mind when I said to her with all sincerity that I wanted her to have a good day and that she should do what she wanted. She has made comments which suggests she sees no future for the relationship yet claims to be 100 per cent committed, knowing that because I am in poor health I will always feel the strain more quickly than she and have to act. Now I get comments like "shame on you" and she gets to be the victim and all the sympathy. I am just trying to do the right thing, so those who have led blameless lives, judge away.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 aaaawww Chalky. Really I wasn't trying to be judgmental at all. I am just trying to say you will be painted the villain pretty much no matter what you do with those that do not want to take into account both sides of the story. I do hope you break it off sooner rather than later just because you shouldn't carry around the burden of that knowledge while she is trying to be all happy for her birthday, etc. You have a responsibility to yourself too. And you shouldn't have to fake the relationship - that is never a good answer.
mimiminx Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 There is no good time. Do it before her birthday... don't be a coward and string her along. If someone waited to dump me until AFTER my birthday, after spending the day together, etc. I would not have respect for them as they were stringing me along. I got dumped the week before I got a huge paycut and there was a death in my family. Life happens. Do it now, get it over with.
Author Chalky Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Thanks Island, I appreciate you are only giving honest answers from the information provided. Actually she is the easy bit of the problem as on Sunday I met at a party, which she invited me to, a pretty evil ex who stalked me and whom I only got rid of when I moved house and changed phone number. She put me through hell and nearly killed me a few years ago. Turns out they have a mutual friend. Great. It really is biblical stuff. I felt so relieved and proud of the fact I got rid of her and now am scared stiff she will track me down and it will start again. Talk about being punished for your mistakes. If I had dumped this one when I should have done as you rightly said this utter disaster would never have happened. Current gf is certainly NOT evil like the other one but this is really a lesson that if you don't act things just get worse and worse. I just wish people could learn to let go and not stalk, try to be friends etc. I have all too often had my good nature exploited and been guilt tripped. Thought I had got over this weakness. Last year I dumped someone a week before her birthday as soon as I knew the relationship was finished and was accused of being mean and not a decent man. Go figure.
Ingenue Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My recommendation is breaking up with her on a Friday (if she still has a job that is), after work. At least if you break up on a Friday, she'll have the entire weekend to get emotional and try to ground herself before returning to work on Monday. What I wouldn't recommend (and this is what my ex did), is breaking up over email on a workday. That is probably one of the hardest things because you want to be professional infront of your colleagues, but all you can think about is the break up. If you have to do on a weekday, try to do it after work. That way, at least you aren't putting her in a situation where she might have to appear vulnerable infront of her colleagues and she'll have the evening to allow it to sink in. It's just a small courtesy to the dumpee and one that I think many dumpees would appreciate. Good luck
Author Chalky Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Yes, last time we broke up she said she lost a night's sleep so can I risk that again so she faces the possible sack in that state? Friday would seem to be the first opportunity - still callous, but less so. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I have to say I dread to think what some of you guys would say over something that was positively evil, like sleeping with her best friend or something. The way I have been caned for simply wondering how trying to break up in the least mean way possible. Still, it's always the way - people who try to do right get slaughtered while the real baddies get away laughing. Perhaps one day I will be as perfect as some of you. One can hope,
Island Girl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Yes, last time we broke up she said she lost a night's sleep so can I risk that again so she faces the possible sack in that state? Friday would seem to be the first opportunity - still callous, but less so. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I have to say I dread to think what some of you guys would say over something that was positively evil, like sleeping with her best friend or something. The way I have been caned for simply wondering how trying to break up in the least mean way possible. Still, it's always the way - people who try to do right get slaughtered while the real baddies get away laughing. Perhaps one day I will be as perfect as some of you. One can hope, Well - we aren't as bad as all that. And really, you didn't get caned here. Your replies are pretty tame. Wander into the OW/OM forum sometime -- or the Cheating forum and WOW sometimes the fur is flying. People just tend not to sugar coat things here Chalky. It IS a good thing - you get straight answers and people tell you how they see it. Sometimes those views come from personal experience of an issue and if it is a touchy on (like this one) then you are sure to touch some nerves. I hope you stick around. This forum can provide a great sounding board. And yes - damned if you do and damned if you don't. That is what I have said all along. Do what you can live with - what you conscience dictates - and that is the best you can do.
Author Chalky Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 Thanks Island. I am sorry for being snippy, my nerves are shot. I'm demented from wondering what to do. When I started trying to break it to her last night. starting with the birthday situation she told me she had spent 300 dollars and couldn't get it back and that if I cancelled I would ruin her day. Jeez.
Island Girl Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Thanks Island. I am sorry for being snippy, my nerves are shot. I'm demented from wondering what to do. When I started trying to break it to her last night. starting with the birthday situation she told me she had spent 300 dollars and couldn't get it back and that if I cancelled I would ruin her day. Jeez. Oh damn. So you are being guilted into staying with her. That is low. I just have never understood wanting to be with someone - spend even one additional moment with someone - who didn't want to be with me. You weren't snippy. I just didn't want you to feel that you were being bashed - most people just call it like they see it here. Lots of straight shooters you might say, and if a person is a bit emotional things can be taken too much to heart. I just wouldn't want you soured on what can be a valuable resource (this little forum ). If it were me I'd do it anyway. I'm heartless I guess but my actions would dictated by how I would feel if I were on the receiving end - if HE doesn't want to be there then I don't want him there and I can easily find someone else to spend my birthday with.
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