always_searching Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Hello, Everyone! So, I have been coming to Love Shack for a long while now, and have always found the advice to be quite good for an anonymous community based website; so, I finally decided to join, because I have a question that I could really use your advice regarding! I am currently a graduate student and am quite focused on my studies. However, this semester I have a professor whom I like very much--he is divorced and not currently dating anyone (to my knowledge). Now, I will not actively pursue him as he is (1) my professor and dating him would be unprofessional and unethical (to my way of thinking) and (2) I prefer being pursued as to pursuing. However, I'm not sure what to do, as I do like him, and would like to see him on a non-professional level. I guess I'm asking, because regardless of what I want (i.e. not to date him while he is my professor), I notice that I do find arbitrary professional reasons to speak with him (i.e. about my subject matter, his class, etc.) just so I can be around him. In essence, I suppose I want to know what you guys think regarding (1) dating professors, (2) how to go about letting him know I'm interested AFTER I am done with his class, but without actively pursuing him, and (3) things I can do to get over this (for now), so that I can get on with my studies. All advice is welcome, but I would be particularly interested to hear what people who have been in this situation, or a similar situation (especially professors/teachers) have to say about it. Thank you all in advance!
xra Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Not only is dating your professor immoral and may destroy his academic reputation, it is also illegal according to many schools' policies and would result in him losing his job. You don't talk about the age difference between you two, but that doesn't really matter. The point is, you have a professional relationship with him, and cannot pursue a romantic one without risking serious repercussions. I would suggest limiting your time with him in order to let these feelings fade naturally. Go out with friends, join a club, meet new people / guys to get your mind away from the professor. If you find a more appropriate romantic interest, he will no longer be a point of obsession for you. Unfortunately, trying to have a relationship with him at this point is simply stupid, not to mention selfish. Later, perhaps (as in years later), if you are still interested and if HE also is, you can try to see what happens. For now, however, limit contact with him and find a distraction more suitable for dating!
Author always_searching Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 xra, Well, thank you for the reply. I must, however, correct a few of your comments. For one, I wouldn't call myself "obsessed"--I just like the guy. I mean, I don't even know him outside of an academic setting, and I just recently began taking classes with him. So, for me to be obsessed at this point in our acquaintanceship (or, rather, at any time) would indicate my having a mental problem. Also, I think you may have misunderstood some aspect of my post, as I indicated a number of times that I would never date him while he is my professor. At my school, dating current professors is indeed frowned upon to the point of both the student and professor being in jeopardy of losing their respective situations at the school. However, dating professors who you are not currently taking and who you won't be taking in the future of your studies is allowed. As I am graduating this Spring, and probably won't have him again after this Fall; so, I don't think your concern with his job or my placement as a student is really applicable. To answer your question, there is quite an age gap (at least 15 years), but that's not something that particularly bothers me, though it might him. I don't know. LOL, I agree that he too should be interested, if anything is to happen. As far as suggesting that I go out to meet more suitable people for dating: I agree. However, school is my life--sadly, the only life I have right now. So, I only really have opportunity to meet people at school, which is probably why I am interested in my professor--people we are around constantly tend to catch and hold our interest. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify a few things. Thanks again!
bluewolf17 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Not only is dating your professor immoral and may destroy his academic reputation, it is also illegal according to many schools' policies and would result in him losing his job. True...but it's so hot! It's about #2 on my fantasy list. Regardless, it's immoral, it's not appropriate, it could get you both in trouble blah blah etc. I say if he likes you, let him make a move. Not the other way around. And wait until he is not your teacher any longer. I think the rest is fair game. Have fun
bluewolf17 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Oops, just re-read your post..guess he isn't your teacher currently. Then it's fair game. Just be descreet.
Author always_searching Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Bluewolf, LOL, hilarious. Thanks for the comments! Oh, and yes, he is my current professor, but I won't be taking him again after this Fall--I also wouldn't allow anything to happen until after this Fall. Because, yes, dating current professors is just not a good idea... ...but I agree 100% that the prospect is HOT!
Sam Spade Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Hehe, I am a university prof. and it is basically a given that every semester there are a couple of students that find you irresistably cute. It is fun to contemplate, but not to the point of actually doing something, due to all the unpleasant repercussions. Thankfully, most of them have enough common sense not to do anything about it either. More importantly, very few of these crushes are authentic - girls (especially ones just starting their studies), easily mistake their needs (e.g. for comptetence, guidance, positive reinforcement, whatever) for the professor's actual dating assets. Heck, if I was a college girl I'd want to bang myself too - all elegant, and dashing and dominating the classroom with brilliance and devious sense of humor, what's not to like :lmao:!
bluewolf17 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Hehe, I am a university prof. and it is basically a given that every semester there are a couple of students that find you irresistably cute. It is fun to contemplate, but not to the point of actually doing something, due to all the unpleasant repercussions. Thankfully, most of them have enough common sense not to do anything about it either. More importantly, very few of these crushes are authentic - girls (especially ones just starting their studies), easily mistake their needs (e.g. for comptetence, guidance, positive reinforcement, whatever) for the professor's actual dating assets. Heck, if I was a college girl I'd want to bang myself too - all elegant, and dashing and dominating the classroom with brilliance and devious sense of humor, what's not to like :lmao:! Soo...where is work?
Author always_searching Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 :lmao: Hahaha! Hilarious, Sam_Spade. Yeah...unfortunatly, I've never had much common sense. LOL, and sadly, I'm toward the end of my studies--unless I go on for a PhD. Of course, then I would be going to a different school, and it wouldn't matter.
xra Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Sorry, I didn't realize from your first post that you're not currently taking his classes. Still, though - a student/professor pairing is frowned upon, especially since it sounds like you two are in the same field... Which is regrettable, TBH, since I've certainly felt something more than academic admiration for a professor before *cough*... As it happens, I'm also a graduate student and I know a bit of what you're going through with the workload. However, I disagree with the statement that school is your only life. I, personally, think that it is good to be involved in at least one or two activities outside of schoolwork (not sure if you are or not...) It helps you to get your mind off studying, prevents you from burning out, and lets you meet people who might turn out to be quite interesting So my advice would be - try to cut out a little time to try out a new activity or club. Universities are great in that sense - there are so many chances to try new things, which is much harder to do out in the 'real world'. Try it, I promise you won't regret it
Sam Spade Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 :lmao: Hahaha! Hilarious, Sam_Spade. Yeah...unfortunatly, I've never had much common sense. LOL, and sadly, I'm toward the end of my studies--unless I go on for a PhD. Of course, then I would be going to a different school, and it wouldn't matter. Well, just get out of whatever subordinate relationship you're under with him (the importance of this cannot be overstated!!!) and let the old man know . All the neurosis in university policies for sexual harassment notwithstanding, such hookups - and marriages - are more common than many people think. Even my own advisor married a former student. (She graduated, then put the heat on/the hammer down .)
sweetjasmine Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Well, just get out of whatever subordinate relationship you're under with him (the importance of this cannot be overstated!!!) Exactly. A professor should never ever ever get involved with a student, even if the student isn't taking classes with them, because a professor is still in a position of power, and that colors everything. A student should never ever ever do it for the same reasons. After either one is out of that role? Go nuts and have fun. Besides, academia is home to a lot of gossip and politics, so it's probably better to play it safe and keep things professional/friendly until you're out of there. Things get awkward otherwise.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 A friend of mine began dating her professor and thesis advisor as soon as the semester was over and her thesis was done. They are now very happily married. True story!
Author always_searching Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks so much for the replies, everyone! xra, You're right: having a life is good! I've been so worried about school and my thesis that I've lost mine. I will make some time to myself and see what happens from there. Sam Spade and sweetjasmine, If only he didn't teach such awesome classes! I will probably just suck it up and get over this for the time being, so that I can stay in his class, because he is really one of the most well-informed professors I've had. If anything happens after the class: great. If not: that's fine too. At least I've been further enlightened due to taking him. Ruby_Slippers, Girl, you can't tell me things like that! Darn unrealistic expectations... Seriously though, that's awesome for them! At least I know if all else fails, I always have Sam Spade--all dashing at whatnot--to fall back on. :lmao:
GoodOnPaper Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I am a university prof. and from what I've seen, the rules in this kind of situation are VERY different depending if you are a grad student or an undergrad. Prof-undergrad relationships are pretty much taboo under any circumstances, but grad students just have to make sure that they aren't in the professor's class. I know of one case where a prof got engaged to one of the grad students in his research group -- they simply made her change her advisor on paper but her actual thesis work was still with his group.
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