Coping with the emotions of a divorce.

[misscuddle]

I am 22 and the guy I am with is going through a divorce with his wife of 7 years.

 

He is 27 and his wife has been cheating on him with his best friends while he gets stationed at different military bases. 2 years ago they seperated and ever since he met me it was for sure a divorce. Well 3 months after meeting me he gets stationed at another base for a year and this past year we have gotten closer and closer. He has the papers for the divorce but I guess is planning on getting it all signed when he comes back in 2 weeks, (probably wants to do it face to face). He doesn't really havea plan for anything, he is last minute type of guy, plus he doesn't know what to do in this situation.

 

Her cheating on him caught him off guard. Real quick to have more understanding of his side is, that she is his first love and thought she was the real deal. She changed and was not the girl he married and now he is going through a emotional divorce while being used by her til this day. (She is from England, so she has a green card, whatever, I don't know) Anyways, he has a big heart and still cares for her as a friend, and he can't just kick her to the curb, because he still wants good things for her, even though she cheated on him several times and is using him. She is using him in the way of living in his house for free, the car she drives he probably pays for, (but I don't know), I think that might be it, nit a 100% sure though.

 

I just don't know how to cope, he is the best man ever, he has a great personality, he is handsome, makes me weak at the knees, makes my heart race. I am in love with this man. I just don't know how to cope with all of this. My emotions are so frazzled I don't know what to think anymore. Any adivice or just someone to talk to, to get things out of my system. I just don't see how it is very fair to me, but maybe I need to have more patience right now, I don't know. Any advice on patience would be great too.

 

???????

[tojaz]

Miss cuddle

 

You find yourself in a very unique situation. I hope you understand that most of this board are made up of the cheated on and the left behind, myself included. The emotions this man are going through are intense, regardless of the reasons for wanting the divorce and if he filed or not, the sense of loss is tremendous and he will need time to cope, that is where your patience will pay dividends.

 

I would suggest you take a look at Lupas thread "Apart and Shaken" especially the last dozen pages or so. He finds himself in a divorce and also with a new love. Perhaps the emotions he shares there can give you some insight into what your guy is going through. That understanding, should help you to cope with the things your feeling.

TOJAZ

[delajoonal]

may i suggest going to the OW/OM forum:o

 

THIS particular one is made up ONLY spouses that have been cheated on, left and ALL our divorces are EMOTIONAL..is there any other kind????

 

sorry...

 

like i said, OW/OM will be a better outlet for you...

 

BUT hey, it is a free country...go where you want...im just saying....

 

p.s. sorry..i am way too jaded to have any sympathy for an OW.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I could have sworn this was lupa's girlfriend posting! lol!

 

But anyway's ms cuddle your man needs a backbone. I know it's hard going through a divorce, especially when your a man. but how is he ever gonna move on unless he totally boots the ex outta his life. Some nice guys dont know when to put the nice on ice and get down to buisness.

 

He doesnt want to hurt her and rightfully so, but ask him , when does he start to live his life and rebuild it with you while he's still leagally married to a woman that emotionally destroyed him.

 

I'd ask him if it was fair to you as a woman to wait on a man if he's still deeply in love with a woman who treated him like crap.

 

Wait for him to get his divorce so that way when you start messing with him, you wont be an unwitting OW, you'll be the great girlfriend he should have had from jump.

 

Tell him to make up his mind, choose to stay married and be her emotional whipping post or file the papers and move on...

 

It's as simple as that. Give him time to grieve what happened but dont lapse on it.

[soheartbroken]

Hey Dela,

 

I actually suggested that miss cuddle post on this forum...she was on a different one previously. It does not appear as though she is the OW. Her bf's wife cheated on HIM. He is in the process of divorcing her, and has found a new woman in Miss Cuddle. She's just a gf caught in the middle...

 

This is similar to Lupa's story, so that's why I suggested that she come here.

 

But I'm still curious as to the emotions you are experiencing MissCuddle? What are you feeling exactly?

[delajoonal]

like i said...im too jaded with being cheated on and ALL the lies my H told his OW...come to find out recently....

 

so how does cuddles KNOW that her MM is NOT lying as well....

so in essence SHE is the OW..

 

she KNOWS he is M...period!

 

p.s. SHB...no hard feelings...im simply jaded and bent and...well, i have a right to my opinion...as do you and everyone else on here..

 

p.s.s .sorry...SHE is the OW, if he MM is still married...

[tojaz]

may i suggest going to the OW/OM forum:o

 

THIS particular one is made up ONLY spouses that have been cheated on, left and ALL our divorces are EMOTIONAL..is there any other kind????

 

sorry...

 

like i said, OW/OM will be a better outlet for you...

 

BUT hey, it is a free country...go where you want...im just saying....

 

p.s. sorry..i am way too jaded to have any sympathy for an OW.

 

I'd give Cuddle the benefit of the doubt Dela,

Though I know how you feel and why you feel that way. I'm right there with you. I get IT! Big brother,remember?

While technically an OW, I believe her heart is in the right place. Her story does sound like Lupas, just like SHB said. I don't hear that she broke up the marriage, it was already broken by the W's cheating, and shes just looking to work out the unique situation she finds herself in.

 

You know I'm on your side Dela, but you and I both know all too well that things in divorce are never as simple as black and white! If I'm right, let her find the help she needs. I

 

Please keep giving us your story Cuddle

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Hi Misscuddle

 

It doesn't sound like you are an OW, I think you meant you got together with your MM after his w cheated on him and left. While personally I would not get involved with a man until his d is final, I can totally understand your position, that you took his word 100% that his marriage was over and not by his choice.

 

I think this is actually a good forum for you to get the advice and support you need. The majority of us on here are the ones that were cheated on and/or left, myself included. That gives us an insight into how your BF is feeling, thereby we should be able to provide you with that understanding. I think through understanding the emotions your BF is feeling, you will find some patience and a way to deal with your emotions.

 

The most important thing to understand right now is that your BF feels like he has been hit by a truck and is slowly crawling out from under it. His emotions will be all over the place, the loss is tremendous. He may also have trust issues, given how he was left and possibly anxiety about what went wrong in his marriage and how to not repeat it. Very often those of us who have been left do not recieve the closure form our spouses that we so deserve. Usually the reasons given by them make no sense and often they just hurl abuse at us. All this makes it extremely difficult to think about how to be in our next relationship. Does that make sense?

 

My advice would be to just take it slow, give him time, talk to him about how you are feeling whilst making it clear that you understand his emotions and don't want to add anymore pressure to him. I think the fact that he still wants to be friendly with his stbxw is a positive thing, it shows you he is a good, decent guy.

 

Keep posting, we're listening.

[Auroracoladybug]

Ms C,

 

Let your man find his footing and read the posts by Lupa...get a feel for how he is feeling...she may be using him but if he doesn't care then let it go...if he gets those papers to her then he is finding his backbone some but there will be more to go thru. He has to get the divorce for you two to move on and everything that she has already in possesion he may just leave to her. I am glad that you two are happy together but you have a long road of stuff for him to deal with.

[lupa]

Hi, misscuddle...I'm the guy a couple of folks keep referring to. Even though my situation is a little different than yours/his, I can speak very knowledgeably about what he is going through. While my wife wasn't my first love, she was going to be the love of my life. As far as I know she hasn't cheated on me, but I have my doubts/suspicions. Quite frankly i think it would be easier for me to just wrap it all up if I could prove it, but I can't.

 

Anyway, I can tell you from being in the middle of it and finding a new love that my emotions are at loggerheads every minute of every day. Even this morning I woke up next to the most beautiful woman in the world, but i was upset and sad about where my marriage is, was, went. I meant my vows forever, and I value loyalty above all else. It seems as though I have space in my heart for the new girlfriend, and I feel my love growing for her every day...but I cannot just completely extricate myself from my previous life. My wife will probably be in my heart forever, and that makes it hurt so much.

 

If you trust this man, know that he is building a bigger, better self, one that has a heart so big that what he feels for his wife, while it will never go away, is so minuscule in comparison to what he can and will feel for you that it will sit forgotten, off in the corner. I don't think I'll ever be able to kill my love for my wife, but I can and will love my new girlfriend (and next person if I don't stay with her forever) so much more. I will be capable of so much more, and I have learned such painful lessons that I now have the chance to be a better person, not just to myself, but to whomever I end up with.

 

Right now, though, I am raw, hurting, upset, ecstatic, terrified, invigorated, scared, hesitant, and falling in love again.

 

as you can see, emotionally I am all over the map, and each day truly is a struggle...you need to understand that your guy has a lot to go through, and if it is meant to be he will see you by his side when the smoke clears. You make it through this with him (and if he realizes some things about himself along the way), there is nothing but a bright future for the two of you.

 

Just know that you can't fix him in a day, and he will never truly get over her...she will simply fade off and out of the picture.

 

(I didn't reread or edit this...I just posted what I've been thinking lately. I hope I didn't ramble.)

[PWSX3]

As it says in the bible when we get married we become one. We are two people, but when you divorce it is a tearing affect, like taking a piece of meat or paper & it isn't an even cut. So you end up with some of the other person inside you forever, but you learn to deal with it as time goes by.

 

Look at some that have been divorced for a while such as Gunny. Even though he is still a lot better off now he still thinks about the former wife once in a while. Might not be in a good/bad way but they will always be there.

 

It takes time to get over a relationship. In divorce care class they suggest it takes 3-5 years before a person is over a marriage. Yes I know scary.

[Kamille]

I keep coming back to this thread because I was dating a separated man for a few months just awhile ago. I ended things because, in the end, I couldn't deal with the anxiety that the situation provoked. I still think about him and the beautiful moments we shared. I've been pondering getting in touch with him again.

 

I've dated since but no one compares.

 

I guess, for me, the question it raises is this: is it possible to fall in love with someone else during the time when you are processing the demise of your marriage?

[lupa]

I keep coming back to this thread because I was dating a separated man for a few months just awhile ago. I ended things because, in the end, I couldn't deal with the anxiety that the situation provoked. I still think about him and the beautiful moments we shared. I've been pondering getting in touch with him again.

 

I've dated since but no one compares.

 

I guess, for me, the question it raises is this: is it possible to fall in love with someone else during the time when you are processing the demise of your marriage?

Even though I have a history with the woman that is my girlfriend now (we dated in high school and then again after college), I find myself falling in love with her now...even though I know I still love my wife. we separated in June, and it is only September!

 

It would all be easier if I hated her, but I love her still. So...yeah, it is possible, but I think it falls in line with what I posted above. I have to grow, my heart has to grow, to the point where the love I still might feel for my wife is so small in comparison to what I feel for my new love.

 

Make sense? ..?

[misscuddle]

like i said...im too jaded with being cheated on and ALL the lies my H told his OW...come to find out recently....

 

so how does cuddles KNOW that her MM is NOT lying as well....

so in essence SHE is the OW..

 

she KNOWS he is M...period!

 

p.s. SHB...no hard feelings...im simply jaded and bent and...well, i have a right to my opinion...as do you and everyone else on here..

 

p.s.s .sorry...SHE is the OW, if he MM is still married...

 

 

I am soory but I am new to this and have no idea what all these OW/MM/H/M/SHB... whatever, yea I don't know what they mean. You have a right to your opinion, even though I don't understand what you are saying, sorry, I am not trying to be mean, that's why I say I am fine with hearing opinions, that is what I am here for. Advice, anything.

[misscuddle]

Hey Dela,

 

I actually suggested that miss cuddle post on this forum...she was on a different one previously. It does not appear as though she is the OW. Her bf's wife cheated on HIM. He is in the process of divorcing her, and has found a new woman in Miss Cuddle. She's just a gf caught in the middle...

 

This is similar to Lupa's story, so that's why I suggested that she come here.

 

But I'm still curious as to the emotions you are experiencing MissCuddle? What are you feeling exactly?

 

 

I am mostly sad and upset for my bf because he is letting is soon-to-be-ex use him still, and I really dislike others who use others. I am being patient and it's hard but I am. I need a place to vent and try to make some things make sense so I can go to bed without crying every night. He thanks me all the time and tells me I am doing great staying with him and he appreciates it so much. But... the one thing I am really scared about is if and when he tells me he loves me, will it be more love than he ever loved her??

[misscuddle]

Hi Misscuddle

 

It doesn't sound like you are an OW, I think you meant you got together with your MM after his w cheated on him and left. While personally I would not get involved with a man until his d is final, I can totally understand your position, that you took his word 100% that his marriage was over and not by his choice.

 

I think this is actually a good forum for you to get the advice and support you need. The majority of us on here are the ones that were cheated on and/or left, myself included. That gives us an insight into how your BF is feeling, thereby we should be able to provide you with that understanding. I think through understanding the emotions your BF is feeling, you will find some patience and a way to deal with your emotions.

 

The most important thing to understand right now is that your BF feels like he has been hit by a truck and is slowly crawling out from under it. His emotions will be all over the place, the loss is tremendous. He may also have trust issues, given how he was left and possibly anxiety about what went wrong in his marriage and how to not repeat it. Very often those of us who have been left do not recieve the closure form our spouses that we so deserve. Usually the reasons given by them make no sense and often they just hurl abuse at us. All this makes it extremely difficult to think about how to be in our next relationship. Does that make sense?

 

My advice would be to just take it slow, give him time, talk to him about how you are feeling whilst making it clear that you understand his emotions and don't want to add anymore pressure to him. I think the fact that he still wants to be friendly with his stbxw is a positive thing, it shows you he is a good, decent guy.

 

Keep posting, we're listening.

 

 

That first paragraph you wrote is correct, they were seperated about 3-4 months before I even met him or knew him. He came back home from being stationed at another base to find no-one home, she moved in with a friend.

[soheartbroken]

Here's what I think I've figured out from reading many threads

 

OW = Other woman

OM = Other man

MM = Married man

STBXW = Soon to be ex wife

M = Married

H = Husband

W = Wife

SHB = just what people have abbreviated my user name to (SoHeartBroken)

BF = boyfriend

GF = girlfriend

SO = significant other

CP = commitment phobia

MC = marriage counseling

IC = individual counseling

EA = emotional affair

PA = physical affair

D = divorce

PM = personal message (as in "feel free to PM me" which is a Loveshack function)

LS = LoveShack

OP = original poster

LDR = long distance relationship

LTR = Long term relationship

 

Feel free to ask about any more.

 

Have you asked him if he could love you as much as he loved/loves her?

 

It sounds like he is not over her yet. I mean, it would be nice to believe that he is being nice just out of the kindness of his heart, that he would do it for anyone, but if your gut tells you he is being used, then you are probably right.

 

Sounds like he is heavily depending on you for emotional support. What will happen when he is finally over his wife and doesn't need that kind of support anymore. Is there more that is keeping you together, that could sustain you in the long-run?

[misscuddle]

like i said...im too jaded with being cheated on and ALL the lies my H told his OW...come to find out recently....

 

so how does cuddles KNOW that her MM is NOT lying as well....

so in essence SHE is the OW..

 

she KNOWS he is M...period!

 

p.s. SHB...no hard feelings...im simply jaded and bent and...well, i have a right to my opinion...as do you and everyone else on here..

 

p.s.s .sorry...SHE is the OW, if he MM is still married...

 

 

So nevermind figured out what they all meant By the way, from what little info I gathered it sounds like your man cheated on you with the other woman and pretty much used you and other woman. (correct me if I am wrong). I trust my man. When I first met him, he looked white as a ghost, he looked ill. He is 6'3" and he was thin, he prolly weighed 160-ish. A month after meeting me he put on 10-15lbs. Which increased as timw went on and is now prolly right at 200 and he looks fine as hell. Good muscular tone. You can call me the OW (other woman, whatever), and sure I guess I am, but I am the other woman he is bringing him back up to the top.

 

This isn't all about me, I am not the only one in this relationship. For me to help him and be happy for him, I need to understand what he is feeling, and give me something more than I don't know. That's what I am here for. Being here is helping me to be happy for him. It's a win-win for both of us. I feel a little less stressed and he gets to talk to a happy gf which makes him feel good.

[misscuddle]

Hi, misscuddle...I'm the guy a couple of folks keep referring to. Even though my situation is a little different than yours/his, I can speak very knowledgeably about what he is going through. While my wife wasn't my first love, she was going to be the love of my life. As far as I know she hasn't cheated on me, but I have my doubts/suspicions. Quite frankly i think it would be easier for me to just wrap it all up if I could prove it, but I can't.

 

Anyway, I can tell you from being in the middle of it and finding a new love that my emotions are at loggerheads every minute of every day. Even this morning I woke up next to the most beautiful woman in the world, but i was upset and sad about where my marriage is, was, went. I meant my vows forever, and I value loyalty above all else. It seems as though I have space in my heart for the new girlfriend, and I feel my love growing for her every day...but I cannot just completely extricate myself from my previous life. My wife will probably be in my heart forever, and that makes it hurt so much.

 

If you trust this man, know that he is building a bigger, better self, one that has a heart so big that what he feels for his wife, while it will never go away, is so minuscule in comparison to what he can and will feel for you that it will sit forgotten, off in the corner. I don't think I'll ever be able to kill my love for my wife, but I can and will love my new girlfriend (and next person if I don't stay with her forever) so much more. I will be capable of so much more, and I have learned such painful lessons that I now have the chance to be a better person, not just to myself, but to whomever I end up with.

 

Right now, though, I am raw, hurting, upset, ecstatic, terrified, invigorated, scared, hesitant, and falling in love again.

 

as you can see, emotionally I am all over the map, and each day truly is a struggle...you need to understand that your guy has a lot to go through, and if it is meant to be he will see you by his side when the smoke clears. You make it through this with him (and if he realizes some things about himself along the way), there is nothing but a bright future for the two of you.

 

Just know that you can't fix him in a day, and he will never truly get over her...she will simply fade off and out of the picture.

 

(I didn't reread or edit this...I just posted what I've been thinking lately. I hope I didn't ramble.)

 

 

I about started to cry when I read this. Hearing my bf try to tell me what's going on between him and his soon-to-be-ex makes me cry, just upsetting that why a person could do such a thing to the person they love, the person they said "i do" with. My bf going through a divorce, since he is the first man I have fell in love with, I don't understand what he is going through, it is like we are on different ends right now. I would think a man would be more upset finding out his wife has been cheating than a woman would. Which confuses me more of why he can't just dump her ass, and just signed the papers through the mail.

 

But hearing your words, you sound just like my bf, would do anything for her, because he cares for her, and wants good things for her... even though she cheated on him...

 

It's like how is wrong, why does he feel like he messed up, he can't control her and decide her mind. She made the decision own her on to cheat and use him. Anyway hearing what you said made me feel a little better that my bf isn't the only guy that has a big heart and can't just throw her out.

 

(sigh) but I don't know...

[misscuddle]

Here's what I think I've figured out from reading many threads

 

OW = Other woman

OM = Other man

MM = Married man

STBXW = Soon to be ex wife

M = Married

H = Husband

W = Wife

SHB = just what people have abbreviated my user name to (SoHeartBroken)

BF = boyfriend

GF = girlfriend

SO = significant other

CP = commitment phobia

MC = marriage counseling

IC = individual counseling

EA = emotional affair

PA = physical affair

D = divorce

PM = personal message (as in "feel free to PM me" which is a Loveshack function)

LS = LoveShack

OP = original poster

LDR = long distance relationship

LTR = Long term relationship

 

Feel free to ask about any more.

 

Have you asked him if he could love you as much as he loved/loves her?

 

It sounds like he is not over her yet. I mean, it would be nice to believe that he is being nice just out of the kindness of his heart, that he would do it for anyone, but if your gut tells you he is being used, then you are probably right.

 

Sounds like he is heavily depending on you for emotional support. What will happen when he is finally over his wife and doesn't need that kind of support anymore. Is there more that is keeping you together, that could sustain you in the long-run?

 

 

I don't feel he is over her yet, but he says there is no chance in hell he is going back to her, it's over. He has never told me he loves me, which I feel is because he is not over her yet and it is too soon for him since he is not even legally divorced yet.

 

He really likes my personality, he likes that his family loves me and that I talk to them several times a month, he likes that I hunt and that I am active, etc. Of course our s** life is fantastic, can't keep our hands off each other. His mom thinks we are more compatible together, and she sayd if he ever breaks my heart that they will trade me for him as their child... lol

[tojaz]

Cuddle,

Don't hold Dela's posts against her. The pain and wounds of divorce are still very raw for her, the betrayal of her H is still fresh on her mind. I'm sure she will give you an apology when she comes back around and rereads your thread. Shes a good hearted woman who has been dealt a very bad hand. All she saw was OW and probably didn't read much further, I don't read you as a typical OW at all. The fact that your here to learn about what he is going through tells a lot.

 

I don't feel he is over her yet, but he says there is no chance in hell he is going back to her, it's over. He has never told me he loves me, which I feel is because he is not over her yet and it is too soon for him since he is not even legally divorced yet.

 

He really likes my personality, he likes that his family loves me and that I talk to them several times a month, he likes that I hunt and that I am active, etc. Of course our s** life is fantastic, can't keep our hands off each other. His mom thinks we are more compatible together, and she sayd if he ever breaks my heart that they will trade me for him as their child... lol

 

Cuddle, I want to be blunt, so please don't hold this against me, but I think you should consider the possibility of a Rebound Relationship. Whbich isn't the death sentence everyone seems to think it is. A quick search of LS or google will give you all you need to know. Rebound dosen't mean that it will not workout or that there are not true feelings involved. Just that a certain dynamic is at work. The fact that you say that he is not over his wife and that he hasn't said he loves you tells me that you need to be careful with your heart here. He may not be as ready for as commited a relationship as you are, and he will need some time to get to that point, he will need some time to heal from the hurt before he is able to risk giving himself fully to you. If you want this to work, be patient and let him move at his own pace, but also protect yourself from hurt.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

He may not be as ready for as commited a relationship as you are, and he will need some time to get to that point, he will need some time to heal from the hurt before he is able to risk giving himself fully to you.

TOJAZ

 

I couldn't have put that any better. Tojaz is spot on.

 

Your BF is emotionally drained and all over the place and while he cares for you and may even love you, it is going to take some time before he can let go and give himself over to you completley.

 

He's been hurt, badly, and those feelings he had for his w don't just suddenly disappear b/c of that. I know, sometimes I wish they would, it would make all that I have been through and am going through, so much easier. Until it happens to you (and I pray to God it never does, I wouldn't wish this on anyone), you think if someone treats you badly you will just get over it, like "I wouldn't put up with that". Doesn't work that way, it just doesn't, if only it were that easy.

[misscuddle]

Thank you everyone. You have answered what I don't want to hear. Patience... I am not being rude it is more of like a sigh, giggle, tears, and omg, the man of my dreams has walked into my life finally and I have to wait even longer. Patience is not my strong point, especially when it is something what I need and it is right there for me to touch.

 

Thanks again.

[soheartbroken]

I am glad that you are starting to empathize with your bf. It's already been said by lisa and Tojaz, but it bears repeating: the bonds of attachment are extremely tough to break free from, even when you've been mistreated.

[rainbowsandkittens]

thank you for posting this thread. i'm going through something similar that i posted in the break up forum. i have been seeing someone who is going through a divorce (almost done now) for the past 3.5 months. my problem is that he wants to see other people. he says he loves me but that he's not ready for a full committment yet. i don't know what to do. but just reading the other side of it is so helpful. i wish you the best with your boyfriend and all the rest of you healing for your hearts.