confusedcookie Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 he says he'll call me when he gets home, and i said, "don't call because you feel like you need to but only if you want to" and he says he wants to and he'll call when he gets home. no call whatsoever, what is up with that??? what does that mean in the men's world of language? we're ld right now (actually exs that are friends that still have feelings for each other, or at least i think we do) so if he were to be home, it would be 3am my time, so i thought he would call in the morning before he went to work (which is probably between 3-4pm my time) and now it's already 430... am i overthinking this?
Trialbyfire Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 You just gave him an out by saying "don't call if". Next time, no outs. Be clear about what you want.
Author confusedcookie Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 yeah, but i didn't want him to think he needed a routine call, i said if you want, and he said he wanted to and he will.... but then he doesn't?! so why say it in the first place? would it be the easy way to get off the phone with me bc i know i go "call you later" sometimes with no intentions of calling them later bc it feels like a good ending to a convo, but then those were acquaintances and i thought we were beyond that...
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I think the "don't call if you don't want to" after he stated "I'll call you when I get home" sounded very insecure on your part. He probably didn't want more insecure talk after he called, he doesn't want to hear "So did you REALLY want to call me? Or are you doing it just because you think you have to." I'm sure he just wanted to go to bed and not deal with that. He hasn't really committed to you, though. You're still just friends. I think you deserve more than that. It clearly sounds like you know you want a relationship, so why aren't you in one with him? Is he unsure? You come off as very insecure in your post....and that will make any guy run for the hills.
Author confusedcookie Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I think the "don't call if you don't want to" after he stated "I'll call you when I get home" sounded very insecure on your part. He probably didn't want more insecure talk after he called, he doesn't want to hear "So did you REALLY want to call me? Or are you doing it just because you think you have to." I'm sure he just wanted to go to bed and not deal with that. He hasn't really committed to you, though. You're still just friends. I think you deserve more than that. It clearly sounds like you know you want a relationship, so why aren't you in one with him? Is he unsure? You come off as very insecure in your post....and that will make any guy run for the hills. that's a very valid point, thanks =) but i'll give you the whole picture. bc we don't talk often, maybe every 4 days or so and not for long either and out of the blue, he called me and i was really happy to hear from him, but it turned out he wanted me to do something for him (his english is not very good) and he wanted me to write a congratulations card for him for work =(, and he kept rushing me, and called every 2 minutes to see if i was done. after that he didn't call to tell me he received it or not, and i was disappointed bc i felt like he only called me to do things for him, so i went for a shower, and realized i missed 6 calls from him... i text back thinking that he probably didn't receive the email and wanted me to send it again, and he called back saying that he knew i was upset bc it seemed like he only called me when he wanted something, and then there's these things i wanted him to do, give me a dish recipe and mail me a lipstick that he hasn't done, but then all of a sudden, he goes, i'll mail you the lipstick... i didn't like that he wanted me to do things, and then just use money for compensation, i just didn't like the feeling... so when he said, i'll call you later tonight, that's why i replied with the, "only if you want to"... it could be insecurity on my part, but i kinda felt like my insecurity is a bit justified, haha
New Again Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 What TBF said. 98% of the time if you do what you did - respond to "I'll call you later" with "Only if you want to," he won't call. I'm not sure why, but I suspect it has something to do with what Pinkcupcake said, and him thinking you really don't want him to call you. Even if you think you have a reason to feel insecure, don't ever let on
Author confusedcookie Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 ok, so even if i have insecurities, i can't let it show through, lol but i thought it was suppose to be a honest relationship? lol dang, i'm so bad at this relationship crap
xpaperxcutx Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 ok, so even if i have insecurities, i can't let it show through, lol but i thought it was suppose to be a honest relationship? lol dang, i'm so bad at this relationship crap You said you guys are friends, so I don't see how this is a relationship?
JustLooking123 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Maybe he's just not that into you? You mentioned that he's an ex. Maybe he doesn't want to get back into a relationship with you. I know it sounds harsh, sorry; just a possibility.
callingyouuu Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 ok, so even if i have insecurities, i can't let it show through, lol but i thought it was suppose to be a honest relationship? lol dang, i'm so bad at this relationship crap You can be honest if you would like, but you can't expect him to be attracted to insecurity.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 You just gave him an out by saying "don't call if". Next time, no outs. Be clear about what you want. Absolutely TRUE. Another kernel of wisdom TBF. What TBF said. 98% of the time if you do what you did - respond to "I'll call you later" with "Only if you want to," he won't call. I'm not sure why, but I suspect it has something to do with what Pinkcupcake said, and him thinking you really don't want him to call you. Even if you think you have a reason to feel insecure, don't ever let on You lowered you expectations and showed immense insecurity all in one sentence. If a guy says he'll call -- then he has stated his intentions. He should follow through and be held accountable (as in maybe you don't want to invest in someone who can't keep their word ESPECIALLY when it comes to something small and easy like a phone call). It isn't up to you to let him know he doesn't have to -- do you think he's an idiot? He knows he doesn't HAVE to. But now he said it - see if he is a man of his word - if he is great he calls -- if not (and he isn't lying in a coma) then he is a waste of time in the first place.
caramel c Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 And why didn't you just say 'ok' when he said he'll call you? He may have been turned off by your show of insecurity and lack of trust in him. You may not see it that way, but I certainly do.
monkey00 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 he says he'll call me when he gets home, and i said, "don't call because you feel like you need to but only if you want to" and he says he wants to and he'll call when he gets home. no call whatsoever, what is up with that??? Lol, I just came back from my friend's place and saw "he's just not that into you". That line sounds like something that one of the main characters would say to a dude after exchanging numbers. It does come off insecure. You guys are dating anyway so why not just leave it casual instead of putting pressure on the guy?
sugarmomma Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Why are most of you blaming HER because he proved to have no credibility and is clearly a liar and waste of time?
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Why are most of you blaming HER because he proved to have no credibility and is clearly a liar and waste of time? What she said belied insecurity and gave him a pass to NOT call and NOT stick to his word. She said if he didn't want to "it's okay". So actually he has done nothing wrong at all.
Trialbyfire Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Yup IG, no mixed signals! I think this is the mistake that many women make, when dealing with men. Men don't think like women.
sugarmomma Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 What she said belied insecurity and gave him a pass to NOT call and NOT stick to his word. She said if he didn't want to "it's okay". So actually he has done nothing wrong at all. IG, I disagree because even after she said he didn't have to, he replied that he wanted to and would. He instead should have said that "ok, we'll talk soon".
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 IG, I disagree because even after she said he didn't have to, he replied that he wanted to and would. He instead should have said that "ok, we'll talk soon". She still gave him the pass. You simply don't do that and do not paint yourself as insecure as if he is some God on the planet.
sugarmomma Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 he says he'll call me when he gets home, and i said, "don't call because you feel like you need to but only if you want to" and he says he wants to and he'll call when he gets home. no call whatsoever, what is up with that??? he said it!
sugarmomma Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 She still gave him the pass. You simply don't do that and do not paint yourself as insecure as if he is some God on the planet. Ok. So just because she came across as a lil insecure, that gives him a pass to outright lie? Come on. So not fair. I think its a matter of character.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 he said it! YEP! And maybe when he got home he just didn't feel like it -- and she did say ONLY call if you feel like it and want to - so if he changed his mind and didn't want to -- IT'S OKAY.
Trialbyfire Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Ok. So just because she came across as a lil insecure, that gives him a pass to outright lie? Come on. So not fair. I think its a matter of character.She gave him a free pass. Sure he probably felt like that, as at the time of the convo but when he got home later, he probably didn't feel like it and with her free pass, took it. No one is saying he's the cat's meow. But many are saying, you get what you ask for. If you give mixed signals, you can't hold someone responsible for misunderstanding. Be clear.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 She gave him a free pass. Sure he probably felt like that, as at the time of the convo but when he got home later, he probably didn't feel like it and with her free pass, took it. No one is saying he's the cat's meow. But many are saying, you get what you ask for. If you give mixed signals, you can't hold someone responsible for misunderstanding. Be clear. Exactly. And you set the expectations. He says he is going to call -- and you can't just leave it at that then you say something like, "great, I'll be looking forward to it" but you never act like it may be such a big imposition and you will understand if he doesn't want to. He said he did. Then you take him at his word. If he doesn't then he is a jackass and no more time needs to be wasted.
Trialbyfire Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Exactly. And you set the expectations. He says he is going to call -- and you can't just leave it at that then you say something like, "great, I'll be looking forward to it" but you never act like it may be such a big imposition and you will understand if he doesn't want to. He said he did. Then you take him at his word. If he doesn't then he is a jackass and no more time needs to be wasted.That's exactly it. It's not a big imposition. He said he'd do something, you give him the green light to do it!
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