Author Devil Inside Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Anyway, DI, why are you more concerned about your exOW's feelings than your own wife's? This might not be a helpful conversation for my W. There are things that my xOW could say to her that would hurt a ton...I also want to prevent that. Right now, my wife is guided by emotion...and maybe if she waits a little she will realize that she does not need to know every detail...especially from the mouth of my xOW who may not be as kind as I have been. Not sure if you have seen from another thread but I recently learned of some of her infidelities as well. I have no desire to talk to any of those men...because if I hear one thing that can give me an image of them together...I am going to be screwed in the head.
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 i totally disagree with this viewpoint. given a roadblock - most wives would tell him to take a flying leap. i would view it as his way of protecting OW more than the W. i'd be throwing him out within 5 minutes. how does that show his W that his actions of commitment are with her? that he will be loving and kind if he is still protecting the "secrets?" it doesn't. it shows his W by his actions that he will protect the OW - thus, preserving the A. Well then we'll have to agree to disagree.. cause I strongly disagree with your point of view.. I think his W contacting the OW will serve absolutely no purpose other than revenge.. or amunition against him... To say that she needs that to heal is bull's crap... IMO. He has no guarantee that this will not turn into a bloody war.. plus the W can use this to tell her H.. which again will serve no purpose.. other than revenge.. which would be sick IMO. DI.. put your foot down.. and tell your W that there will be no contact ever again.. and that she will have to take your word for it.. period.
Author Devil Inside Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Well then we'll have to agree to disagree.. cause I strongly disagree with your point of view.. I think his W contacting the OW will serve absolutely no purpose other than revenge.. or amunition against him... To say that she needs that to heal is bull's crap... IMO. He has no guarantee that this will not turn into a bloody war.. plus the W can use this to tell her H.. which again will serve no purpose.. other than revenge.. which would be sick IMO. DI.. put your foot down.. and tell your W that there will be no contact ever again.. and that she will have to take your word for it.. period. My xOW is divorced now.
bentnotbroken Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 This might not be a helpful conversation for my W. There are things that my xOW could say to her that would hurt a ton...I also want to prevent that. Right now, my wife is guided by emotion...and maybe if she waits a little she will realize that she does not need to know every detail...especially from the mouth of my xOW who may not be as kind as I have been. Not sure if you have seen from another thread but I recently learned of some of her infidelities as well. I have no desire to talk to any of those men...because if I hear one thing that can give me an image of them together...I am going to be screwed in the head. You aren't your wife. If you think she doesn't already have that image in her head, I got some land on the south side of Saturn I would like to sell you. You don't get to decide what healing for her is. I needed every detail, my imagination is always worse than the truth. Some BS don't want any details. Some want to talk to the AP and some don't. Your wife has expressed what she needs, you deny this, you may as well go ahead start separation proceedings. This is a first step that isn't about you, it's about her. What do I see, someone still trying to cover his azz by giving his version and expect her not to question it and look for another version. Your choice.
whatisgoingon Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 and I should add that one W contacted me after we got caught together... and she kept calling me... she kinda got obsessed with me.. I had to tell her at one point to leave me alone.. :rolleyes: I even felt that she wanted to get closer to me.. like a 'friend' or something.. it was weird.. That is exactly what my xmm w did to me, called me 26 times in a matter of hrs. Then it got to the point when she could not find H she would call me to ask if I knew where he was, even told me on occasion we could be friends, I dont think so. She would even call me on her way to work at 5:30 am it was ridiculous finally I changed my number.
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 This might not be a helpful conversation for my W. There are things that my xOW could say to her that would hurt a ton...I also want to prevent that. I totally agree.. that would not be wise... You know your W better than anyone else on LS.. do what you think is best for both of you. Right now, my wife is guided by emotion...and maybe if she waits a little she will realize that she does not need to know every detail...especially from the mouth of my xOW who may not be as kind as I have been. Again.. wise move.. let the dust settles down... she will forget about the OW..and move on.. Not sure if you have seen from another thread but I recently learned of some of her infidelities as well. I have no desire to talk to any of those men...because if I hear one thing that can give me an image of them together...I am going to be screwed in the head. Oh-Oh.. you learned about her infidelities.. so why is she sooo upset about yours... Maybe you should tell her than if she let you speak with the OMs (because I read MEN.. not the other MAN)... wow... at least you had ONE OW.. not OWs... you will let her speak to your OW... geeeezzzzz what's good for one has to be good for the other..
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My xOW is divorced now. Yabutt. .. still.. did he knew about her A?
Author Devil Inside Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Yabutt. .. still.. did he knew about her A? Good point...nope.
PhoenixRise Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Well then we'll have to agree to disagree.. cause I strongly disagree with your point of view.. I think his W contacting the OW will serve absolutely no purpose other than revenge.. or amunition against him... To say that she needs that to heal is bull's crap... IMO. He has no guarantee that this will not turn into a bloody war.. plus the W can use this to tell her H.. which again will serve no purpose.. other than revenge.. which would be sick IMO. DI.. put your foot down.. and tell your W that there will be no contact ever again.. and that she will have to take your word for it.. period.[/QUOTE] AND right after you do this, head straight to your lawers office to get the divorce paperwork started. DI has been lying to her for months, she will not nor should she take his word for anything. You are right that he has no guarantees. Having affairs when you DON'T want to leave your spouse is a hazardous business when dday happens, lots of things could happen that are out of your control. BUT DI may be lucky, his wife may just want a conversation. Not revenge. AND yes. A wife can want contact with OW to aid her own healing. I did. AND it helped.
Author Devil Inside Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Oh-Oh.. you learned about her infidelities.. so why is she sooo upset about yours... Maybe you should tell her than if she let you speak with the OMs (because I read MEN.. not the other MAN)... wow... at least you had ONE OW.. not OWs... you will let her speak to your OW... geeeezzzzz what's good for one has to be good for the other.. Yeah there were more than one. She met them online and rarely kept the EAs going longer than two weeks...accept for the one she had the PA with. My feelings of betrayal are clouding my judgment about how to help her with hers. As it stands now she doesn't know how to contact my xOW...and I will not assist her in this until after a lot of therapy and some time.
bentnotbroken Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Yeah there were more than one. She met them online and rarely kept the EAs going longer than two weeks...accept for the one she had the PA with. My feelings of betrayal are clouding my judgment about how to help her with hers. As it stands now she doesn't know how to contact my xOW...and I will not assist her in this until after a lot of therapy and some time. And there you have it.
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Well then we'll have to agree to disagree.. cause I strongly disagree with your point of view.. I think his W contacting the OW will serve absolutely no purpose other than revenge.. or amunition against him... To say that she needs that to heal is bull's crap... IMO. He has no guarantee that this will not turn into a bloody war.. plus the W can use this to tell her H.. which again will serve no purpose.. other than revenge.. which would be sick IMO. DI.. put your foot down.. and tell your W that there will be no contact ever again.. and that she will have to take your word for it.. period.[/QUOTE] AND right after you do this, head straight to your lawers office to get the divorce paperwork started. DI has been lying to her for months, she will not nor should she take his word for anything. You are right that he has no guarantees. Having affairs when you DON'T want to leave your spouse is a hazardous business when dday happens, lots of things could happen that are out of your control. BUT DI may be lucky, his wife may just want a conversation. Not revenge. AND yes. A wife can want contact with OW to aid her own healing. I did. AND it helped. I don't think they'll head to the lawyer's office.. she was unfaithful as well.... so it is extremely hypocrit of her to want to speak to the OW... if she won't let him speak to all her MMs... He might have lied to her.. but she never lied to him.. come on..
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 This might not be a helpful conversation for my W. There are things that my xOW could say to her that would hurt a ton...I also want to prevent that. Right now, my wife is guided by emotion...and maybe if she waits a little she will realize that she does not need to know every detail...especially from the mouth of my xOW who may not be as kind as I have been. Not sure if you have seen from another thread but I recently learned of some of her infidelities as well. I have no desire to talk to any of those men...because if I hear one thing that can give me an image of them together...I am going to be screwed in the head. Then you need to talk to her about all this. Let her know that maybe opening pandora's box this way isn't a good idea right now. That counselling is better and see what the T (therapist) thinks about talking to the exOW. The problem is, I see you mentioned that the exOW is now divorced.. What if your wife is scared the exOW is going to come looking for you again since her marriage is over. Anyway, you two obviously need to work together, there's some serious trust issues, goes both ways now since I see she's cheated on you as well.. Not a good dynamic going on..
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Yeah there were more than one. She met them online and rarely kept the EAs going longer than two weeks...accept for the one she had the PA with. My feelings of betrayal are clouding my judgment about how to help her with hers. As it stands now she doesn't know how to contact my xOW...and I will not assist her in this until after a lot of therapy and some time. Good.. don't divulge any details of the OW... If she wants closure.. tell her you need closure as well..and you need to see everything about the emails.. and you need to contact the one she had the PA with... period... that will only be fair... and chances are.. she will let it go...
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 DI.. how about telling your W that you have no way to contact the OW.. that she has moved and you have no idea where she is now...
PhoenixRise Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I don't think they'll head to the lawyer's office.. she was unfaithful as well.... so it is extremely hypocrit of her to want to speak to the OW... if she won't let him speak to all her MMs... He might have lied to her.. but she never lied to him.. come on.. They both lied to each other. They both hurt each other. Her infidelity is just as bad as his. Did DI ever ask to speak to her OM? I think he said he didn't want to. If he doesn't need this then fine. She does.
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 They both lied to each other. They both hurt each other. Her infidelity is just as bad as his. Did DI ever ask to speak to her OM? I think he said he didn't want to. If he doesn't need this then fine. She does. Well that goes both ways... if she wants it.. he should say he also needs it.. that should discourage her... I think she's only being b*tchy about this.. she's not being fair..
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Where did it say his wife being bitchy? I don't recall DI saying that.
PhoenixRise Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Well that goes both ways... if she wants it.. he should say he also needs it.. that should discourage her... I think she's only being b*tchy about this.. she's not being fair.. He could do this... Or he could decide to have some integrity and only ask for what he truly needs and not lie about essential elements of his potential marital recovery. His Choice.
PhoenixRise Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Where did it say his wife being bitchy? I don't recall DI saying that. He didn't say she way being bitchy or unfair. He said he could understand where she was coming from. He has doubts about what to do. or I should say, he had doubts.
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Where did it say his wife being bitchy? I don't recall DI saying that. I said ' I THINK' she's being b*tchy about this.. I have a feeling it's more about vengeance..
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 He didn't say she way being bitchy or unfair. He said he could understand where she was coming from. He has doubts about what to do. or I should say, he had doubts. I think she meant she is being btichy and unfair because she is acting like she did no wrong and trying to focus on contacting his xOW. They obviously need to leave other people out of it and work on what they have together. Oops, didn't see your comment til I posted.
SidLyon Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 She told me today that she wants a chance to talk to or email my xOW. I told her that I did not think that would be productive and she thought I was being unfair. She felt that I was protecting the xOW...which in a sense I am. Did any BS's in here talk to the OW/OMs after the A was over. Did it help with anything? Devil - I read your posts because there's a slight similarity (I think) between you and my H. I wanted to contact the OW after d-day and he definitely did not want this and I interpreted it (correctly I still think) as him trying to protect the OW from my anger. He used the excuse that I would be breaking NC if I did communicate with her. I accepted there was a certain inconsistency in me expecting him not to contact her while wanting to myself, but in the end my own need for closure won. I started a couple of threads about is and at least one was removed or closed because it developed into a bit of a brawl but here's a link to a later version of that same thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t186700/ My contact with her was: - a very short telephone call a few days after d-day - at that stage she had not yet received my H's NC e-mails so my call came as a complete surprise to her. - a much longer e-mail about 6 weeks after d-day in which I let it all out and basically told her about everything my H had done (with evidence). My H did not want me to do this and I suspect that it was because she didn't want her to know that there had been others even during their A. - a visit to her workplace to return many of the gifts she had given him. This resulted in her suggesting we have coffee together and we spent about 90 minutes talking. This was the only time I've met her in person. I also contacted her parent-in-law to tell them of the A. Had her H still been alive then it would have been him rather than them. I fully intended that this would be closure for me. However she subsequently contacted my H and asked him to meet with her without telling me. My H did the right thing and told her he would be telling me and did so. She practically begged him not to tell me as I'd already told her at our meeting that I was thinking of telling her (adult) son about the A. She knew that any contact by her to my H would precipitate me telling her older son so I'm not quite sure why she would take the risk of contacting my H when he had already made it plain to her that he didn't want to hear from her again. This was very difficult for my H as he is not cold-hearted and genuinely cared for the OW and knew how badly she was grieving the death of her H. The background very briefly is that my H commenced the A with her more than 7 years ago while she was married. Her younger son was born about 8 months after the A commenced and both she and my H believe he is the child of her H but I simply don't know. She ended the A, 3 or 4 years ago to work on her marriage and my H was upset. Then early last year she contacted my H out of the blue and they commended seeing each other again on Valentine's day 2008. A few weeks after that her H died unexpectedly and tragically. She invited my H to the funeral and they continued to meet right until d-day over 10 months ago. My H claims it never became PA again and I think I believe him. This is mainly because on d-day I hacked into his secret e-mail account and I was able to follow from that what had happened and it looked as though it had not yet become physical but was perhaps building towards being resurrected. It was equally obvious to me that she was probably no longer willing to be just an OW any more and wanted more from him. It was clear to me that he was just torn and had no idea what to do. Any way Devil my advice is to not stand in the way of your wife communicating with the OW. I don't imagine there is any legal obligation on you to keep contact details of your OW secret from your W (unless you obtained them in some sort of official or professional capacity), so that is no excuse for you to either withhold them from your W or contact the OW again. Give them to your wife and let her determine what she needs to do to heal herself. The communications between the OW and me were all civil apart from the very last time I phoned her to ask why she had contacted my H. I think she was really desperate that I not contact her older son (who is 18 years old and also grieving the loss of his father). I'm not proud of the fact that I showed her no mercy and contacted him anyway - it's not like she didn't know I would do this if she decided it was still OK to communicate with my H. I have gained the impression that it's mainly OW and fOW who think the W should have no contact but I really do think if a BS wants it and it's nothing potentially psycho then it's a consequence that both the OW and the MM have to accept of their decision to have an A. By inviting the triangle then to me it's obvious that a W would want at least something form the other party in the triangle. Personally I'm glad I had contact with the OW and I have little regard for any pain caused to her from it. Sid
smarterthanbefore Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I have answered every question with honesty. I just don't see how this will help. The thing is Devil, your wife don't trust you. She do not trust what you say to be the complete truth, she needs to hear that the OW stories match yours for peace of mind. I have been there, when my Ex, cheated, i did not believe nothing he said anymore. If he told me it was raining outside, i would have to see the rain myself to believe it. I also asked to speak to the OW, which he refused, so I dumped him on the spot. A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. You said you don't see how your wife talking to the OW will help, it will give her peace of mind that what you say may be the truth. She will never, ever trust you 100% again, so she needs to find a way to feel like she has all the pieces of the puzzle. If I were you, I would just let her talk to her by e-mail, and get the answers she needs.
jj33 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 DI I hadnt realized she had EAs. I think the fact that she cheated on you too puts a whole different complexion on her need to talk to the OW. This is not some mindblowing event thrown upon an innocent and faithful wife. This is part of a pattern of behavior between you and your wife. Stick to your guns dont give out the contact information until you have discussed it in MC.
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