Back to square one.

[EricaH329]

Sounds to me like he's fishing for another woman, and she may be on MySpace. Meanwhile, he keeps you on the hook "just in case".

If you get dumped suddenly, you'll know he successfully landed the new girl.

 

 

I had the same thought. What I found was funny, was that before he had called me last night, I checked his myspace page and there was a comment from a girl stating that she had moved into the state that he was in and that she wanted to see him. That she 'loves him and misses him'. I was completely thrown off.

 

When he called I asked him about it and he said that she's been a close family friend for years. (Just thought i'd throw this in there... I lived with him for about 7 months and i've never heard of her, seen her, or witnessed either of them talking.) He also said that he didn't erase our pictures, that he was trying to put our pictures in with another album that he had, but something went wrong and he has to fix it.

 

He's always complaining that I freak out whenever he does anything on myspace, but that's not true. I say something to him when it looks as if he's doing something shady. He freaked out on me when a guy left me a comment asking for me to text him, and yet this girl left her number and told him that she loves him and misses him... but I can't get upset or question him about that. Double standards are a b***h!

 

Whether I believe all of this or not, i'm not too sure.

[VegasFan]

Erica, I just saw your old thread about sleeping with your ex-boyfriend while you and your fiance were apart. No offense, but it sounds to me like he's keeping you at arm's length because he feels betrayed and doesn't want to be near you. I think he's putting himself on the market, that's why the pics are gone from MySpace.

[EricaH329]

Erica, I just saw your old thread about sleeping with your ex-boyfriend while you and your fiance were apart. No offense, but it sounds to me like he's keeping you at arm's length because he feels betrayed and doesn't want to be near you. I think he's putting himself on the market, that's why the pics are gone from MySpace.

 

If that's the case, why doesn't he tell me that he feels like he can't be with me anymore? Why does he keep telling me that he wants to get married to me?

 

And honestly, if someone is going to hold something like that against me to this extent, then that's definitely something I don't need to be a part of.

[VictoryisMine]

When y'all broke up that time, who did the break up? And who called who back? How long were y'all apart? Just curious.

[EricaH329]

When y'all broke up that time, who did the break up? And who called who back? How long were y'all apart? Just curious.

 

I ended up breaking up with him after he avoided me and ignored me for 4 days straight. I made every effort I could during those 4 days. I e-mailed him, called him. He lost his phone for about a week, and the last day that we were together his dad told me that he had found his phone earlier that day and he had spoken with him. When I called that day he forwarded my calls. So I broke up with him.

 

After a few days, I asked for him back. I was dumb. I was going to let the relationship continue on the way it was because I wanted him back so badly. After a couple of days of thinking about it, he told me he didn't think it was a good idea to be back together.

 

So about 3 1/2 weeks later, he asked for me back. Begged for me back. Saying he would do whatever it took to get me back. I told him that I wasn't going to put up with what he had done to me before. He understood this.

[VictoryisMine]

A couple of years ago i was seeing a guy. Only him for about a year and 1/2. The first three months was great. After that i wouldn't hear from him days at a time. Of course it bothered me, but i never fought with him about it... until the last few weeks of our relationship.

 

I wanted more. He would say 'i love you' every now and then, my response was more like 'ditto' thru out our time together.

 

After not hearing from him in three months, he calls.... 'I miss you' he says, I tell him i would love to get together with him again but i have to know first... 'have you been with someone? i'd like to have that option if i still want to see you, i'd tell you if i was and no i haven't been with anyone since you'...

 

He pauses... 'yes' he says.

 

As you, i was going to let the relationship continue on the way it was because i wanted him back so badly.

 

I tell him... 'Well, i'm really disappointed because i thought i meant more to you than that' And i broke our date.

 

I call him two days later (i missed him so much) he answers but he's in line at Taco Bell, says, 'i'll call you right back'.

 

That was two years ago.

 

Back then i was hurt, and as a few weeks went by, i KNEW if he were to call i wouldn't answer the phone, i didn't want to.... but he never called anyways.

 

You have to believe it, if you choose to end this, you will be fine, even happy.

[EricaH329]

'Well, i'm really disappointed because i thought i meant more to you than that'

 

That's weird that you said that... because I also slept with someone when me and my fiance weren't together, and when I told him about it, that was his exact reaction. After, of course, the anger.

 

I'm very apathetic right now towards this whole situation. I am so completely emotionally drained, that I just don't care about anything. I can't bring myself to care. I have no emotions left.

 

Thinking back on it now though, i'm beginning to realize that I somehow missed a very important part of this relationship.

 

Before we got back together, he sent me an e-mail. I didn't respond to it, and he started to demand that I speak with him. I actually still have the conversation on my computer. I looked over it, and realized that i'm an idiot.

 

In the beginning of our conversation, he was saying how he is confused, but that he loves me. As I began to tell him that this was not healthy (talking the way we were when we should be moving on) he asked me if I had been with anyone else. I told him yes and he said that he feels like he ruined his life and that he was sorry. I continued to tell him that there is no need to apologize, he did what he felt was right at the time, and that now all that's left is to move on. He then asked me if I was really moving out of state to start over. I told him yes. He asked if I was moving in with a guy. I told him yes. (Keep in mind, this is just a friend of mine that was going to help me out until I got back on my feet). That's when he went into "Oh my god, no, you can't do that. Please Erica. Take me back. We can figure this out!"

 

Now, putting all that together and the way he is acting now, it seems as though he wants me all for himself, without actually needing to put any work into it. As long as no one else can have me, then it doesn't matter how I feel.

 

Hmmm... making any sense to you?

[VictoryisMine]

Not sure what to make of this.

 

When we are in love and that person sleeps with someone else it is devastating to us to picture that in our minds. We litterally want to throw up. (I have no business saying this as i am involved with a MM).... Maybe your fiance can't get the picture of you and someone else out of his head.

 

He is right about how y'all need to figure this out.

 

As i said, not sure what to make of all this, but i'm sure wait to get married until it is figured out.

 

I hope he wants to talk to you about this and it does mean not disappearing and avoiding you for days.

[hellothar]

Now, putting all that together and the way he is acting now, it seems as though he wants me all for himself, without actually needing to put any work into it. As long as no one else can have me, then it doesn't matter how I feel.

 

Hmmm... making any sense to you?

 

I'm sorry for the situation you are in, but glad to see you finding your own strength. This above is sadly something I have seen fairly common. I've seen that many guys jealousy kicks in when they realize that their partner could be being courted by another man. I've seen many a man "change" temporarily to keep her to himself. Then not long after it goes back to the same old and once she brings it up again he makes that same change... and the cycle continues.

 

I don't want to say he sees you as an object or a prize, but in these other women's cases their men did treat them like that. The man wants them and will try when she is thinking about moving on, but until then it doesn't matter to him. She is to be his and his alone. They lose interest in the person and look at her as property. It's sickening and I hope this is not how this man sees you.

 

I hope life brings you much joy and love finds you well.

[EricaH329]

First I want to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to help me through this. I will definitely keep you all updated on what's going on. I'm pretty sure this isn't going to end well.

 

On a side note... one of my ex's just e-mailed me. I was his first love. We had a very very bad falling out. I wasn't that great to him, and afterwards he was very angry and bitter with me. The e-mail he sent me was one that he sent to me a long time ago when we were together, telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I sent him an e-mail back asking him why he sent that to me. We haven't talked in months.

 

This doesn't really matter, it just came out of no where. Should I tell my fiance?? Since we aren't getting along right now (my fiance and I), I would hate for him to find that e-mail and think that's the reason why i'm acting this way.

 

Oh that would not end well.

[Island Girl]

I am so at a loss as to why you still consider him your fiance.

 

:confused::eek:

[2sunny]

not going to end well? i thought it was already over... his actions (inactions) state the it's over.

 

he doesn't make the effort

he doesn't show you to be the priority

he disregards you and your wishes (requests)

he disrespects your comfort zone knowing full well what it is

 

is this loving behavior? NO

 

jump 20 years ahead - is this what you want for yourself on a daily basis? this IS what you'll get.

 

you have him trained to treat you with half an effort (if that) and that it''s ok - because if he tells you what you want to hear - he can still DO whatever HE wants... and you will still be with him.

 

looks backwards to me. people who love each other don't treat each other the way he treats you... you deserve more.

 

send him a message saying it's over...

 

"don't bother making an effort now - you haven't made an effort in the past week - so it's over." gee - i bet he calls and says "settle down honey, we're getting married." you know - that's just not enough.

 

then call all the family and friends and tell them the wedding is off. if they want to know why - tell them to ask him... or tell them he is unwilling to participate in the relationship and you aren't supposed to marry yourself.

[VictoryisMine]

*throwing hands up in air* Erica got it covered,lol. Ex boyfriend, first love is e-mailing her.

 

Erica, not making fun of it, i think you'll be okay. Please let your fiance down gently, explain to him you had a big problem with him ignoring you for days at a time. No need to let him know about this new guy.

 

I wish you well.

[Surfer Girl]

You made your boudries when you decided to get back together... that you were not going to put up with the no call.... avoidence issue.... He is still doing it.... Don't subject yourself by comprising what you needed in this relationship.... Mean it!!!!

[Island Girl]

send him a message saying it's over...

 

"don't bother making an effort now - you haven't made an effort in the past week - so it's over."

 

 

I really hope you take this to heart.

 

When you are engaged you are supposed to see the embodiment of who you are marrying.

The commitment, the partnership, and especially the caring should be present.

 

None of this is present for you. You are abandoned and alone. You have needs and have expressed them (they are in NO way unreasonable) but he doesn't consider them important at all.

He vanishes and ignores you. This is not someone you should marry - this is the second time he has done this -- you need to forget about him completely. Counseling is not even an option.

 

Why is it that you are so stuck on this idea of the engagement or marrying him??

Is it HIM or is it getting married - as in you think you won't find anyone else?

Or perhaps is it some kind of battle that you feel like you win if you get him down the isle?

 

I really can not understand why you haven't had the realization that it is over - no discussion needs to be had - he doesn't even need to be notified.

But if you must then please use the sentence above as a guide.

 

You deserve so much better - you should want so much better - and you should demand so much better for yourself.

[EricaH329]

I know all of this is disgusting. The way he is treating me. The way I am putting up with it. All of it.

 

I was so set on exactly what I wanted to do. I felt great about it. I knew I was going to be able to do it, and put it behind me.

 

Then I talked to him. He said all the right things all over again, which of course made me forget about why I was even upset in the first place. Once I hung up the phone, I remembered everything all over again. It's like he has me in some sort of trance!!

 

I was sick, and fed up all day today. When he called, I stuck to my guns. I told him flat out "THIS is what needs to be done, and it NEEDS to be done TODAY!" He started cracking jokes, he's always been that way, and I told him, once again, that i'm being extremely serious and if he wants to joke around about it then we can end it right now, with no second thought to it.

 

He became serious after that. I heard his friend in the backround saying "Dude, you're an IDIOT! This girl is so nice and attractive, she does anything you ask of her, and this is all she wants from you?? You're an idiot if you don't listen to her."

 

For some reason, that made him start acting like an idiot again and start back up with the jokes. I hung up on him. He knows where I stand on that sort of thing, I hate to be hung up on and i've never done it to anyone i've cared about. He called right back and I didn't answer. He sent me an e-mail "did your phone die or something?" I didn't reply.

 

One of the things I told him that must be done today was putting our pictures back up on myspace. When I told him this, he went into why it happened and blah blah blah. I cut him off and told him that I didn't care if some huge catastrophy happened which caused all the pictures to be deleted. After 3 days of them not being up, there's no excuse. They will be put back up today. That was one of the things I told him that must be done.

 

What do you know. He is asleep by now and they are not up. I feel like such an idiot. For some reason, I can't bring myself to break up with him. The finality of it all seems so overwhelming for me. I wish there was another way. I just can't take it. I constantly feel sick all the time. Over the couple of months this has been going on, i've lost 20 pounds. My anxiety is through the roof. I never sleep. Breaking up with him just makes all this so much worse.

 

I don't expect sympathy. I'm an idiot. I don't know why i'm doing this to myself. UGH!

[2sunny]

well let's look at this from a different perspective.

 

you and he seem to be in a battle - of sorts. you want _____ (insert anything into the blank) he doesn't perform. either he doesn't want to, or doesn't intend to, or doesn't need to. he only tells you all those sweet things because he knows it works wonders for him...

 

if i say XYZ to her - it makes all my bad behavior all ok and it gets me off the hook. so then you reward his bad behavior by not being mad any longer. he is never held accountable for his bad behavior.

 

if you remove him from your daily life - you are essentially removing a LOT of frustration - automatically! why is this a good thing?

 

because he leaves you alone anyway. the fact that you THINK he's there is where you get hung up. you've always been on your own - he was just a delusion that made it seem like you weren't actually alone. so the delusion is that he is a part of your life and he participates in your daily living... but he doesn't - see?

 

so he is just an illusion - of sorts.

 

this leads me to understand that you will actually be better off when he's not taking up so much of your negative energy trying to get him to pretend to "be there" for you. he isn't - he never will be... his actions are telling you that he is doing as much as he's capable of - and that it should be enough for you to be happy.

 

since it's not happy for you - get out. you will have so much more useful energy without the worry of his disappointing you. you will free your mind to have happy days instead of days or even years of frustration with his sneaky manipulations.

[Island Girl]

For some reason you are caught up in a dream.

 

The dream of what he could be or what it would be like IF --

 

But that isn't what is real. It is not what is true.

 

The truth is he is toxic for you. He has no respect for you and doesn't care about your feelings. This is not the type of guy you want to partner with for the rest of your life. :sick:

 

Oh please snap out of it!!

[EricaH329]

Alright. I'm going to do this. I need to keep reminding myself that no matter how much I love him, I love myself more. I cannot let myself be treated this way. I can't. It'll hurt worse in the long run if I do.

 

This is going to suck.

[Island Girl]

Alright. I'm going to do this. I need to keep reminding myself that no matter how much I love him, I love myself more. I cannot let myself be treated this way. I can't. It'll hurt worse in the long run if I do.

 

This is going to suck.

 

I'm glad -- but I really wish you'd even figure why you "love" him because I don't believe you can really love someone who treats you with such disregard and selfishness.

 

You are right about it hurting worse in the long run. You'd be the wife messaging on LS about your husband never coming home (not answering texts or phone calls), disappearing for days, while you parent and keep a household together by yourself.

 

You so deserve more than that.

[Calendula]

Oh dear Erica. I feel for you hon.

 

With the last thread I read of yours "My fiance and my ex are going at it" and then with this one, I can only imagine what you are going through.

 

Here is what I see from all of this:

- He doesn't really love you or care about you, no matter what he tells you.

- What he says is only an act because he knows you want to hear it or feels like he should say it.

- He is MANIPULATING you into putting up with him and doing what he wants.

- You are WAY to smart and observant to still be putting up with his BS no matter how much you think you care for him.

- While it hurts now, you will be MUCH better off without having to deal with this relationship anymore. It isn't healthy for you, physically, emotionally or mentally.

- He REALLY doesn't deserve you.

- You are the one putting ALL the work into trying to improve your relationship and he isn't making any effort at all.

- things were all happy dandy while you let him roll right over you, but as soon as you wanted something more and quit putting up with his crap things got rough. It wasn't a perfect relationship, it just seemed like one because you accomodated him to make it so. You did all the work.

- He is all words and NO actions, and actions are what really count.

 

Don't listen to what he says to you. Listen to what he is doing to/for you. He is telling you without words that he doesn't really care for you or your feelings/needs/wants/desires. He may be saying he loves you, but he is NOT showing you that he loves you, and there is nothing you could do to make him. You've done all you can to make this work, and now YOU need to be the one to end things with him and move on with your life.

 

He doesn't deserve to be told about the e-mail you got from your oldest ex. If anything, I would think that you should also strike up contact again with the ex who was "going at it" with your now ex-fiance, even if only in friendship. At least he cared about you, listened to you, and did as you asked (to the point of ending contact with you when you requested it).

 

There are so many better men out there who wouldn't lead you around by the nose like this, and you WILL find one. I know you said you want to get married and start a family, but you still have time, and from the recent drama in your life this is NOT the man to do it with.

 

Write down what you want to say to him and work off of your notes next time you are on the phone with him. Don't let him get to you or change your mind.

 

Be strong. I know you can do this and you WILL be better for it sooner than you think.

[Calendula]

He just IMed me through myspace, saying "Hey baby, i'm going to call you in an hour. I'm not supposed to be in my room right now." I responded with "I need you to read the e-mail I sent you." After reading it, his response was "Ughhh, I love you and I will call you later. I got to get back to work."

 

For some reason, I'm shaking. It's probably just my anxiety, but I just don't understand how he can think everything is alright! That his actions are alright!

 

He always makes me feel stupid for feeling the way I do... and I just know that when he calls he will make me change my mind about everything. I do not want to change my mind!! This has got to stop!! I'm tired of being disrespected!!

 

I hope you were shaking because of frustration and anger. His dismissive behavior and jovial response to your very serious and honest e-mail would have made me furious!!! He is NOT listening to you.

 

You should NEVER feel stupid for feeling the way you do. When he makes you feel like that he is manipulating you, whether he intends to or not. You state your mind and he shrugs it off like it means nothing - it is absolutely disrespect. Don't let him do this to you anymore.

[2sunny]

((((((((hugs E))))))))

 

checking in too see how you are doing... i hope you're ok.

[EricaH329]

Thank you all for everything.

 

I am extremely depressed right now though, so i'll come back when I can manage to get out of bed.

[2sunny]

what have you done with the situation, anything?

 

if you haven't - you may need to consider taking action and standing up for your own best interest.

 

if you have - i would consider being proud of your foresight and strength of saving yourself from a lifetime of misery.