Back to square one.

[EricaH329]

For those of you who have followed my rollercoaster ride of a relationship, you will not be happy to hear that as much as I hoped he was on his way towards making this relationship work, I was wrong. Yet again.

 

Basically, at this point in time, this is exactly what is going on.

 

My fiance had a tendancy in the past to avoid and ignore me for days at a time. I explained to him when we first got back together again, that I needed to him to prove to me that he wasn't going to go back to his old ways. I needed that security.

 

He left to see his family on Thursday. He called before he left and told me he would give me a call later that night when he got to his dads house. He never called. I knew he had probably gotten in really late.

 

I didn't hear from him at all on Friday, and it started to worry me because his phone was off and since his dad came to get him (it's an 8 hour drive) I was worried that something might have happened. I left him a message explaining that I was worried and asking him to call me or e-mail me to let me know he was alright.

 

Nothing.

 

Saturday night comes, and at about 10 PM I called again. He answered. He explained his phone was off and he was sorry that he didn't call me. He knew it was wrong and that it wouldn't happen again. I then also explained to him that because of his past behaviours (avoiding me and ignoring me) that I have a few insecurities about our relationship. I need for him to help me work on them. I know it's not fair to hold something that's happened in the past against him, but I need to know that it's not going to happen again. He agreed and said, as usual, "Erica, I love you. I want to be with you. We are getting married in a few weeks. Everything will be alright." He then told me that he would call me when he got back to his dads house that night.

 

No call.

 

Yesterday, Sunday, I called him around 9 30 PM asking him if anything I had said in the conversation we had meant anything to him. He apologized, and again came back with "Erica, I love you. I want to be with you. We are getting married in a few weeks. Everything will be alright." I told him that getting married isn't going to solve our problems, and that I need the effort on his part. He agreed and told me he would call me later that night once he left his aunts house.

 

At this point, I told him specifically "Please, do not tell me you are going to call me and then not call. It's a part of the insecurity thing with me. I'm used to you doing that in the past and you not calling to avoid me." He responded "Erica, I will call you tonight. I love you."

 

No call.

 

It's now Monday, have yet to hear from him.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. Either he is extremely dense, or he just doesn't care. Nothing I say seems to matter. He seems to think getting married will solve everything, and I refuse to marry him until this is worked out. I'm running out of ideas and options at this point.

[VictoryisMine]

"Avoid and ignore me for days at a time"

 

Erica, do you feel this is normal?

 

In a loving relationship (let alone engaged) couples keep in contact at least once a day. You'd think you'd WANT to call, at least once a day.

 

I'm a total stranger to you, but getting maried now is not a good idea.

[northstar1]

For those of you who have followed my rollercoaster ride of a relationship, you will not be happy to hear that as much as I hoped he was on his way towards making this relationship work, I was wrong. Yet again.

 

Basically, at this point in time, this is exactly what is going on.

 

My fiance had a tendancy in the past to avoid and ignore me for days at a time. I explained to him when we first got back together again, that I needed to him to prove to me that he wasn't going to go back to his old ways. I needed that security.

 

He left to see his family on Thursday. He called before he left and told me he would give me a call later that night when he got to his dads house. He never called. I knew he had probably gotten in really late.

 

I didn't hear from him at all on Friday, and it started to worry me because his phone was off and since his dad came to get him (it's an 8 hour drive) I was worried that something might have happened. I left him a message explaining that I was worried and asking him to call me or e-mail me to let me know he was alright.

 

Nothing.

 

Saturday night comes, and at about 10 PM I called again. He answered. He explained his phone was off and he was sorry that he didn't call me. He knew it was wrong and that it wouldn't happen again. I then also explained to him that because of his past behaviours (avoiding me and ignoring me) that I have a few insecurities about our relationship. I need for him to help me work on them. I know it's not fair to hold something that's happened in the past against him, but I need to know that it's not going to happen again. He agreed and said, as usual, "Erica, I love you. I want to be with you. We are getting married in a few weeks. Everything will be alright." He then told me that he would call me when he got back to his dads house that night.

 

No call.

 

Yesterday, Sunday, I called him around 9 30 PM asking him if anything I had said in the conversation we had meant anything to him. He apologized, and again came back with "Erica, I love you. I want to be with you. We are getting married in a few weeks. Everything will be alright." I told him that getting married isn't going to solve our problems, and that I need the effort on his part. He agreed and told me he would call me later that night once he left his aunts house.

 

At this point, I told him specifically "Please, do not tell me you are going to call me and then not call. It's a part of the insecurity thing with me. I'm used to you doing that in the past and you not calling to avoid me." He responded "Erica, I will call you tonight. I love you."

 

No call.

 

It's now Monday, have yet to hear from him.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. Either he is extremely dense, or he just doesn't care. Nothing I say seems to matter. He seems to think getting married will solve everything, and I refuse to marry him until this is worked out. I'm running out of ideas and options at this point.

 

Wow, that is unfortunate to read

 

Well, I see two choices here, and they might be simplifying things:

 

1)You put up with his hot/cold behaviour and his aloofness, and get married and then pray that things improve and that the communication gets better and you get on the same page.

 

2)You realize that this rollercoaster ain't so fun anymore, and you get off it and realize that sometimes you just can't fix things.

[Thaddeus]

In a loving relationship (let alone engaged) couples keep in contact at least once a day. You'd think you'd WANT to call, at least once a day.

Frankly, I don't buy that an unmarried couple MUST be in contact daily. A little space for both parties is generally good.

 

But it's clear that EricaH329 and her man are on different pages when it comes to frequency of contact. And marriage will not make it better... marriage always, without exception, makes things worse. (No, that's not cynicism, it's just unfortunate reality.)

 

EricaH329, you will not be able to change him. The only thing you can do is change yourself and your responses to him. Sorry to say, but frankly I don't see this ending well.

[EricaH329]

"Avoid and ignore me for days at a time"

 

Erica, do you feel this is normal?

 

In a loving relationship (let alone engaged) couples keep in contact at least once a day. You'd think you'd WANT to call, at least once a day.

 

I'm a total stranger to you, but getting maried now is not a good idea.

 

I completely agree with you. He used to avoid and ignore me, in our past relationship, and it seems to be happening again.

 

I had a conversation with him about this about a week ago, explaining that since I already feel like we are married, i'd like to get a phone call or an e-mail at least once a day, to show that he is dedicated to me and that he won't go back to ignoring and avoiding me. And that once that insecurity of mine has passed, then I won't be so demanding about it. He explained to me that he thinks that since he also basically sees us as already being married, that he feels he doesn't need to talk to me every day.

 

I agree that getting married isn't a good idea. I just know that if I bring that up to him again, he will get upset and tell me that the way I am feeling is rediculous because he loves me and he won't ever do that to me again.

[EricaH329]

Wow, that is unfortunate to read

 

Well, I see two choices here, and they might be simplifying things:

 

1)You put up with his hot/cold behaviour and his aloofness, and get married and then pray that things improve and that the communication gets better and you get on the same page.

 

2)You realize that this rollercoaster ain't so fun anymore, and you get off it and realize that sometimes you just can't fix things.

 

I'm afraid that I already know option 2 is what needs to be done. I just need to find a way to accept it.

 

Frankly, I don't buy that an unmarried couple MUST be in contact daily. A little space for both parties is generally good.

 

But it's clear that EricaH329 and her man are on different pages when it comes to frequency of contact. And marriage will not make it better... marriage always, without exception, makes things worse. (No, that's not cynicism, it's just unfortunate reality.)

 

EricaH329, you will not be able to change him. The only thing you can do is change yourself and your responses to him. Sorry to say, but frankly I don't see this ending well.

 

After already going through this same situation before, I decided to go about things differently. To not get upset with him, and make it seem as though I am forcing him to do something. I try to go about it in a way that I only explain to him how the things he is doing to me is making me feel. Basically giving him the option of whether or not he wants to try and make me feel better about this.

 

Unfortunatly, it doesn't seem as though he is very interested in making this work the way he had made it sound like.

 

I've run out of ideas, and it seems as though breaking up might be the only choice I have left.

[VictoryisMine]

From your other posts i can tell you don't ask for much. And it's not ridiculous (tell him i said that) to want to hear from the man you love.. everyday. Fixin' to get married, y'all should be talking (everyday) about it.

 

(Tell him i said that) it's ridiculous that that you don't do this.

 

Thaddeus, you've got to be kidding. They're getting married and Erica doesn't hear from him in days? C'mon... Unreal.

[EricaH329]

I'm more worried about the fact that he knows what he is doing, and how it makes me feel. I've talked to him about it many times. And everytime I talk to him, he dumbs down the situation, acting as if it's stupid to feel that way. And yet, he tells me he won't do it anymore. But does.

 

I really don't want to break up with him. But i'm not too sure on what else there is for me to do? He obviously refuses to do the things I need from him.

 

I keep having thoughts of just letting it go and continue this relationship on his terms. But that just sounds rediculous. That wouldn't be staying true to myself.

[EricaH329]

So I still haven't heard from him all day. I got on myspace and noticed he was on. I didn't say anything. I checked his myspace page and noticed that he had just taken down all of our pictures together.

 

He IMed me, through myspace, saying "hey baby, i'm sorry I didn't call last night, I know that I said I would." I responded with "Why did you take down all of our pictures?" he said "I didn't." and I told him to double check that because in the 5 minutes he was on, they magically disappeared. He didn't say anything, and after about 2 minutes, I just told him that I would talk to him later and signed off.

 

I can feel the anxiety rushing through me. I'm lost.

[VictoryisMine]

Oh boy...... Sorry.

 

How long have y'all known each other?

 

Trust me, i know exactly how you feel. It WILL be alright.

[Surfer Girl]

Why would he take your pictures down?.... This does not sound good.... Do you think there is someone else? A reason he might take pictures off and not call...... Very rude and disrespectful to say you will call and then not call..... How frustrating.... Used to drive me crazy when my ex did not return a call.... Saying I love you and were getting married.... you are right is not the solution to the problem.....

[kizik]

Someone told me something recently that was very empowering.

 

YOU are in control. Not HIM. So if he's being disrespectful and unfeeling and dense and rude (which he is), you are in the drivers' seat to let him go for not treating you well. You have to maintain a level of self-respect.

 

It's a bummer what he's doing, but he simply sounds like an inconsiderate d-bag who isn't worth your time or energy.

 

Best of luck,

 

k

[EricaH329]

Oh boy...... Sorry.

 

How long have y'all known each other?

 

Trust me, i know exactly how you feel. It WILL be alright.

 

We've known eachother for a little over a year, and we've been together for a year next month.

 

I've gone through a break up with him before, I know how it feels to lose him. It's not fair that he asked for me back, and then pulls this sh*t! If it doesn't work out this time, there's no more. That's it. It's too painful.

 

Why would he take your pictures down?.... This does not sound good.... Do you think there is someone else? A reason he might take pictures off and not call...... Very rude and disrespectful to say you will call and then not call..... How frustrating.... Used to drive me crazy when my ex did not return a call.... Saying I love you and were getting married.... you are right is not the solution to the problem.....

 

Ya know, I thought that after pointing out that the pictures weren't up anymore, he might make some sort of effort to put them back. Nope. He didn't. I shut my phone off and took some medicine to help me sleep, and I went to bed. Four hours later, i'm wide awake now. I haven't turned my phone on, because quite frankly, I don't really care what he has to say at this point. I doubt he tried to call me or contact me anyway.

 

For the first time ever, last night I actually considered that there might be another girl. Through all the "I love yous" and "I can't wait to get married to you" I think there actually might be someone else. I don't know why he would try to act as if nothing is wrong, but yet take down all my pictures.

 

Someone told me something recently that was very empowering.

 

YOU are in control. Not HIM. So if he's being disrespectful and unfeeling and dense and rude (which he is), you are in the drivers' seat to let him go for not treating you well. You have to maintain a level of self-respect.

 

It's a bummer what he's doing, but he simply sounds like an inconsiderate d-bag who isn't worth your time or energy.

 

Best of luck,

 

k

 

You are right. I thought that by standing my ground, I was keeping some of my self-respect in tact. Apparently that doesn't mean anything to him. I'm not quite sure what i'm going to do at this point. I'm definitely not going to marry him, that's for sure. I have a feeling that this is his way of breaking up with me. And if that's the case... i'm much better off.

 

I tried everything I could do to make this relationship work. I have no doubts about how I handled everything. If he doesn't think that this relationship is worth working towards, then I will happily walk away.

[EricaH329]

"(His name) -- I am sick of the way you are treating me. You totally disregard what I say to you, somehow thinking that saying sorry will make everything alright. You don't care about my needs or the way I feel. I didn't know that going back into this relationship meant doing things on your terms and your terms only. I thought that you would try to make this work.

 

I don't hear from you for days, then almost as soon as you get on myspace, you take down our pictures together. You need to tell me what's going on. The last time we went through this, you refused to tell me what was going on... but instead you lied to me. This time, I will not allow myself to be treated like that.

 

I told you I would try everything I could in my power to make us work. I have nothing left. I've tried to talk to you, but you refuse to acknowledge my feelings or needs. I don't know how long you thought I would go on like this, but this has become overwhelming for me.

 

If you don't want to be together anymore, tell me. If you don't want to have a relationship where you take into account my needs, tell me. If you want a relationship where you don't need to take responsibility for your actions, tell me. You've made this mistake once before where you didn't tell me what was going on, and instead you ignored and avoided me which led to us breaking up. Do not make this mistake again. If not for me, then for yourself. Be honest."

[Island Girl]

And what will you do if you get no response?

[EricaH329]

And what will you do if you get no response?

 

To be quite honest with you, I don't really expect a response. I think his actions thus far have proven to me what he wants.

 

I am prepared to move forward with my life. If he can't give me the respect to respond to me, then I will give myself the respect that he isn't, and walk away.

 

This won't be easy, but I feel very empowered. I love myself enough not to put up with this. If he doesn't make an effort to be honest with me and let me know what's going on, he doesn't deserve me.

[Island Girl]

I am happy you have found your inner strength.

 

It appears he isn't being honest with you and he is avoiding you.

You have had more than enough talks about this where you have laid out your expectations and your needs.

 

He has made it clear that he isn't concerned about you as a priority.

 

You deserve better. All this guy was going to bring you was unhappiness.

[VictoryisMine]

Erica, please if your not familiar with "Narcissist" , please Google it.

 

I am so sorry you are going thru this pain.

[Odyssey]

Erica, i've been following your story...

From his actions, your bf just doesn't see you as a priority. And don't think getting married will make him change. If it was me, i wouldn't have got back together after the break up, because respect is big deal breaker for me. But only YOU can weigh up the bad vs. the good stuff in this relationship, and ask if you're willing to put up with it for the rest of your life?

[EricaH329]

I thought that maybe I was over-reacting. I always knew that he had become egotistical, but I never knew it would ruin our relationship. Whenever I would bring up the fact that i'm not a priority to him, he would get upset and tell me not to bring his priorities up when he knows them better than I do.

 

I was an idiot! I was so focused on trying to make our relationship work, I believed everything he was telling me. Now after everything that happened this weekend, I see things much more clearly now. I'm actually unattracted to the person he is now. I don't know this man anymore.

 

He hasn't checked his e-mail yet, but like I said before, I doubt he will respond. And if he does, it will be mean. He will turn everything back around on me. Telling me i'm over-reacting, and i'm being rediculous.

 

I will not continue to let myself be treated like this. I won't. I deserve much much better than that. And if that means that I have to break up with him, again, and for the final time... then that's what i'm going to have to do.

 

This is the worst. I know what it's like to not be with him. I know what i'm about to go through is going to be devastating.

[kizik]

You're a strong, smart, cute woman. You'll make it. Especially if you continue to post here and receive support.

 

Josh

[EricaH329]

You're a strong, smart, cute woman. You'll make it. Especially if you continue to post here and receive support.

 

Josh

 

Thank you so much! That made me smile I'm feeling pretty good about this right now. But, as we all know, this feeling won't last forever. I will go through ups and downs all over again, but i'm definitely trying my hardest to hold onto this sense of empowerment I have right now.

 

I'm going to continue to update about the situation.

 

I really do need support right now, and i'm so very thankful for everyone on here that's helping. I wish I could explain how much this is helping me.

 

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I don't think i'd be able to stay strong without all of you.

[EricaH329]

He just IMed me through myspace, saying "Hey baby, i'm going to call you in an hour. I'm not supposed to be in my room right now." I responded with "I need you to read the e-mail I sent you." After reading it, his response was "Ughhh, I love you and I will call you later. I got to get back to work."

 

For some reason, I'm shaking. It's probably just my anxiety, but I just don't understand how he can think everything is alright! That his actions are alright!

 

He always makes me feel stupid for feeling the way I do... and I just know that when he calls he will make me change my mind about everything. I do not want to change my mind!! This has got to stop!! I'm tired of being disrespected!!

[kizik]

What in idiot. He thinks he can get away with anything.

 

He can't, and you need to tell him you're done.

 

What an arrogant a$s.

[VegasFan]

Sounds to me like he's fishing for another woman, and she may be on MySpace. Meanwhile, he keeps you on the hook "just in case".

If you get dumped suddenly, you'll know he successfully landed the new girl.