Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 So OP, how much time are you going to allow before you speak to him about this? I'm thinking maybe another month or so? What do you guys think? (and thanks to everyone who has replied so far...I really appreciate the advice.) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I mean I would like to think so as he calls me every night, no matter how tired or worn down he is, and he has told me he has lists of friends and family that he hasn't returned calls to yet. (I am not saying that is a good thing, but maybe it shows I am somewhat of a priority) Here's carhill's red flag alert: 1. I don't like the sound of that. My instincts are telling me it is spoken to manipulate. 2. A man who doesn't prioritize his family above his work is not marriage material, presuming that's what you're interested in. Watch carefully how he treats others he purports to love. It's a really telling experience. Also, you had sex too soon. I didn't see a timeframe but that's my instinct. Everything moved at warp speed. Maelstrom effect. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 There's no such thing as going too fast (in bed) if the guy truly cares about you - I have so many friends who hit the sack date 2 or so, or date 10 and it made no difference - the guy was crazy about them from the get go and the relationships all last...it's only when the guy has a player side to him (or doesn't want a R for some reason) that you have to be sooo watchful about all of this and that kind of guy is not going to stick around anyway. I think the only red flag is that you are thinking about waiting a month to talk to him about something that is clearly bothering you. If this has the makings of a good strong fledgling R, no matter how slow, you should be feeling comfortable by this point to raise this kind of issue. I recommend you just contact him about it and see what he says... You don't sound needy to me, either - you sound like you want a healthy R and are questioning whether what you have is decent... Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Wanting to spend time with someone, is not needy. Spending 24/7 with someone, is. It is not needy for wanting to be a priority in the life of someone you care about, and who cares about you. It is a very reasonable request. I’m not suggesting he should want to be up your butt all the time, but he should make solid plans with you at least a couple times a week. These are signs someone respects you, loves you, and enjoys spending time with you. If he isn't showing you he feels this way, well then, that says a lot. You’ve only been dating two months, but if you are already seeing these signs this early on, imagine what it will be like when/if you are actually in a relationship with him. If a man wants a woman who is understanding and patient, then he has to pull his own weight. You are very lucky to have a man who calls you as often as he does, but a telephone call is not a substitute for time spent together. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 There's no such thing as going too fast (in bed) if the guy truly cares about you OK, really, how many men have the emotional capacity to care for a total stranger right away? It's just the sex. How many threads do we need to have here on that subject? When I hear this, I see a tool coming out of the toolbox. Happy for the OP to prove me wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Here's carhill's red flag alert: 1. I don't like the sound of that. My instincts are telling me it is spoken to manipulate. 2. A man who doesn't prioritize his family above his work is not marriage material, presuming that's what you're interested in. Watch carefully how he treats others he purports to love. It's a really telling experience. Also, you had sex too soon. I didn't see a timeframe but that's my instinct. Everything moved at warp speed. Maelstrom effect. Good luck I'm sorry I mispoke. I really meant just friends. He talks to his parents every single night on the phone and his brothers on a regular basis. Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Also, you had sex too soon. I didn't see a timeframe but that's my instinct. Everything moved at warp speed. Maelstrom effect. Good luck I had the same feeling and asked how soon they had sex but she didn't respond. Really though, if they've been seeing each other once every week or two and it's only been two months and they're having sex..... That means maybe six or seven dates total at this point. My feeling/experience is that a guy who is a workaholic wants the woman/sex in his life in place asap so he can go back to the business of business. It can be a form of manipulation, a way to get the woman invested quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 My feeling/experience is that a guy who is a workaholic wants the woman/sex in his life in place asap so he can go back to the business of business. It can be a form of manipulation, a way to get the woman invested quickly. This is my instinct as well, having had many workaholic business colleagues in my lifetime. They get a woman lined up as quickly as possible and then organize her into their spreadsheet. At one level, I admire them. Totally pragmatic OP, thank you for clarifying regarding his family. I will lower that flag to yellow, primarily because of my perception of the impetus for your error, that being how you appeared to use his lack of contact and waitlist with family/friends as a positive for yourself. It's a psychological slip. Trust me, I've made plenty of them here on LS. Let me know how he handles you interrupting his spreadsheet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 I had the same feeling and asked how soon they had sex but she didn't respond. Really though, if they've been seeing each other once every week or two and it's only been two months and they're having sex..... That means maybe six or seven dates total at this point. My feeling/experience is that a guy who is a workaholic wants the woman/sex in his life in place asap so he can go back to the business of business. It can be a form of manipulation, a way to get the woman invested quickly. Just to clarify...we had sex after about a month, and we haven't had sex everytime we see each other since then. It's not really on the top of his to-do list when we are together. We just like spending time together. Of course sexy time is nice, but with us it is not a necessity. Of course there is heavy petting everytime, and usually some fooling around, but not always sex. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 This sounds wrong. Sorry. Hope someone else can clarify it. Just an instinct.... Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 This sounds wrong. Sorry. Hope someone else can clarify it. Just an instinct.... I felt the same way but also couldn't put my finger on it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Another tidbit: he has not been divorced or in a serious relationship in years. OP, how old are you and he? Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Another tidbit: OP, how old are you and he? Hmmm yeah, that was her response to me thinking maybe he was emotionally unavailable due to a recent split. But if he hasn't been in a serious relationship in years that says a lot. How come? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Hmmm yeah, that was her response to me thinking maybe he was emotionally unavailable due to a recent split. But if he hasn't been in a serious relationship in years that says a lot. How come? He is 29, I am 24. He hasn't been in a relationship lately due to him focusing on his work. I know. It sounds sketchy. Why would I go for him knowing that? You would understand if you knew him. And I know that sounds odd. That I am ok with not having sex with him every time I see him. But I think we get so caught up in other things, especially since we don't see each other all the time. We really do just like being with each other. He is not always after what is under my clothes, and I like that. Every time we are together we spend the night together, which yes, does involve sex sometimes, but again, as I said, it is not at the top of the list. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 OK, here's the thing.... such behaviors are fine for virgins who aren't having intercourse (I was one at that age), but, psychologically, it just doesn't make sense in your dynamic, given the large periods of time you are apart. Normally, I'd be in your corner cheering for less of a focus on sex, but somehow, in this dynamic, something seems off, especially his relationship history. We'll keep working on it Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Okay, here's what came to me. Maybe he's gay? In part, it was just a feeling, but also given the long periods of time you're apart I agree with carhill that sex would seem "necessary" if you were crazy about one another. (And I'm usually one to say go easy on the sex...) Another idea is he likes you a lot but mostly as a friend and it's nice to have you around until he finds someone else. It seems like you guys are more friends than romantic partners. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 What's his sexual history? Numbers? Periods between? Remember, my number at that age was zero (and women knew this) so you can laugh at me as you're giving me his numbers Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 What's his sexual history? Numbers? Periods between? Remember, my number at that age was zero (and women knew this) so you can laugh at me as you're giving me his numbers He's only had sex with two other people, and it was years ago. I appreciate everyone's opinion, and I will take it to heart, but I just don't see myself doing anything about this anytime soon. I have to ride it out a little longer before I do anything drastic. I have to see if he will change on his own, without me threatening to break it off with him. I know that is a 1 in a million chance, but I've got to try. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 We looked at the instant replay and agree. Keep us updated Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 We looked at the instant replay and agree. Keep us updated Will do. Thanks again for all of your input! Link to post Share on other sites
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