DynamoOfVolition Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 So I have been dating an amazing guy for over two months now. When we are together, I don't want to be anywhere else. We always have a great time, we make each other laugh, we have great chemistry both emotionally and physically, and to be honest, he is the greatest guy I have ever been with, by far. However, he is a full-on workaholic. He works every single day, for hours upon hours, late into the night most of the time, and really only makes time for me once a week, if I am lucky. He does call me every night no matter how busy he is, so that is refreshing and reassuring of how much he really does like me, but I am just not sure I am ok with the amount of time we spend together. We live in the same city...we should be seeing each other more than once a week, in my opinion. Over time it has gotten much easier to be apart from him, but at the end of the day, my heart tells me that I just need to be with this person more often. Unfortunately, I would classify myself as needy...a lot of it stems from my parents' relationship, and it took me a while to figure that out, but it's true. I don't know if he will ever change, nor do I know if I even have the right at this point in the relationship to tell him that it bothers me. I fear that I might lose him if I do tell him about how I feel, because I am afraid he will just say that he can't change. But do I just go on hoping I will become ok with it? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks all. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I don't think it's likely for him to change up his schedule to permit more time, if he hasn't done so yet. I think you need to decide if and how long you are willing to work clearly around his schedule. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Dating a workaholic can be as detrimental in the long run as dating an alcoholic according to some. There's not much you can do, it's his responsibility to make more time for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 I don't think it's likely for him to change up his schedule to permit more time, if he hasn't done so yet. I think you need to decide if and how long you are willing to work clearly around his schedule. I totally understand where you are coming from, but it's so confusing because like I said when we are together...it's just US...there is no talk about work, he doesn't work at all, he is only focused on us and what we are doing at that moment. And he playfully begs me not to leave the next morning sometimes...so it confuses me that he is that attached to me when we are together, but is ok with spending such little time with me because of his work. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I totally understand where you are coming from, but it's so confusing because like I said when we are together...it's just US...there is no talk about work, he doesn't work at all, he is only focused on us and what we are doing at that moment. And he playfully begs me not to leave the next morning sometimes...so it confuses me that he is that attached to me when we are together, but is ok with spending such little time with me because of his work. Work is a higher priority for him. It will be for as long as he chooses it to be. That's great that is how he is when he's with you, but you're saying you're not getting as much time as you'd like in this relationship. If you're not getting what you need out of it, it's time to evaluate things. Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I totally understand where you are coming from, but it's so confusing because like I said when we are together...it's just US...there is no talk about work, he doesn't work at all, he is only focused on us and what we are doing at that moment. And he playfully begs me not to leave the next morning sometimes...so it confuses me that he is that attached to me when we are together, but is ok with spending such little time with me because of his work. Has he recently been divorced? Out of a bad relationship? It sounds like he is keeping some sort of distance or keeping everything compartmentalized. Work provides him a validation probably. A relationship is less sure, if that makes sense. It's easy to give your all when you only have to do it 2 or 3 times a month. How soon did you guys sleep together? Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Does he also work on the one day a week that he sees you? Do you guys ever go out and do anything together? Sounds like he may be the only one getting his needs met. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Unfortunately, I would classify myself as needy...a lot of it stems from my parents' relationship, and it took me a while to figure that out, but it's true. I don't know if he will ever change, nor do I know if I even have the right at this point in the relationship to tell him that it bothers me. I fear that I might lose him if I do tell him about how I feel, because I am afraid he will just say that he can't change. But do I just go on hoping I will become ok with it? To what extent are you willing to work on your needy trait? That is where you need to focus your energy. Whether he then changes or not is up to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 He does work on the one day I get to see him...like I said he works every day. We do go out sometimes but I think even I would rather just be with him and spend the evening with just him since I don't get to see him that much. I definitely would love to work on the fact that I am needy. I hate that I am, but like I previously said, I just can't help how I feel...a lot of it has to do with my past. I would be willing to try anything to help with that side of me in order to be with him for a long time. I agree, I don't think he is going to change any time soon...he is too comfortable in what he does now. I know work is his #1 priority, that is apparent, and i am not asking to be his #1 priority, I'm just not sure if I am a priority of his at all. I mean I would like to think so as he calls me every night, no matter how tired or worn down he is, and he has told me he has lists of friends and family that he hasn't returned calls to yet. (I am not saying that is a good thing, but maybe it shows I am somewhat of a priority) Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Has he recently been divorced? Out of a bad relationship? It sounds like he is keeping some sort of distance or keeping everything compartmentalized. Work provides him a validation probably. A relationship is less sure, if that makes sense. It's easy to give your all when you only have to do it 2 or 3 times a month. How soon did you guys sleep together? And no, he has not been divorced or in a serious relationship in years. Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla87 Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Dating workaholics are not fun if you don't like a guy who is always busy 24/7. See the thing is that your not a top priority, which means you your not first or second on their list in life. You could be lucky and come in third maybe even fourth, most women come in fifth or sixth on a guys list if he is a workaholic. Most men who are that type are married to their work and are devoted with their work. They will bleed, sweat, and get no rest when they work and rather suffer for that then suffer for a relationship. So you have to be aware that they work till they pass out and work some more. I've dated workaholics and its not a lot of fun. I can say that from personal experience that if you need someone to make you atleast 2nd or 3rd priority on their list, then don't date a workaholic. Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 They're really kind of addictive, too, because when you're together YOU are their EVERYTHING. But then they are off to put that amazing focus on WORK. And you end up craving it, waiting until the next time with bated breath. Been there, done that, wrote the book... Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 They're really kind of addictive, too, because when you're together YOU are their EVERYTHING. But then they are off to put that amazing focus on WORK. And you end up craving it, waiting until the next time with bated breath. Been there, done that, wrote the book... I have never looked at it with that perspective. That's interesting, and totally true. In a non-creepy way, I think I am addicted to him, but he drives me crazy at he same time! The time with him has never been short of amazing. That's why I don't want it to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Speaking of workaholics, I was reading a thread on an entertainment forum today and one of the posts stated an important point about the star in question and how he viewed marriage and work. Basically what was written was that when a man begins to hworry about marriage or settling down, he will learn to prioritize the needs of his family and marriage and place them first above everything else. While if a he was still a bachelor, his work is the only the passion in his life, and thus he is always prompted to work harder and forget everything else. I think this can be applied for every workaholics in general. Whether being a workaholic is an addiction or not, your SO can't change because he has always had work as the one thing that's pushing him. It makes him feel important and he works fervently because it's a passion. He can't prioritize between work and you because he always had work first before he has met you. So to change his perspective and immediately make you the #1 priority is hard. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A MAN'S POTENTIAL. If you can't love and be secure with what's RIGHT in front of you, then move on. You knew when you got involved he was a WA. It's not fair, IMO, to ask him to "change." People change because they want to. You stating yourself that you are a needy person, you should be choosing people to date that have more time to give you. That's just my take. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 He does work on the one day I get to see him...like I said he works every day. We do go out sometimes but I think even I would rather just be with him and spend the evening with just him since I don't get to see him that much. I definitely would love to work on the fact that I am needy. I hate that I am, but like I previously said, I just can't help how I feel...a lot of it has to do with my past. I would be willing to try anything to help with that side of me in order to be with him for a long time. I agree, I don't think he is going to change any time soon...he is too comfortable in what he does now. I know work is his #1 priority, that is apparent, and i am not asking to be his #1 priority, I'm just not sure if I am a priority of his at all. I mean I would like to think so as he calls me every night, no matter how tired or worn down he is, and he has told me he has lists of friends and family that he hasn't returned calls to yet. (I am not saying that is a good thing, but maybe it shows I am somewhat of a priority) Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem really needy with pretty low self esteem. I would not be satisfied with just being with someone or getting a daily call. A needy woman is not really attractive. Are you a priority or not? You are definitely getting the short end of the stick and he knows that you are grateful for the crumbs of affection he is throwing to you. I would suggest you get some counseling for the issues in your past and not date anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem really needy with pretty low self esteem. I would not be satisfied with just being with someone or getting a daily call. A needy woman is not really attractive. Are you a priority or not? You are definitely getting the short end of the stick and he knows that you are grateful for the crumbs of affection he is throwing to you. I would suggest you get some counseling for the issues in your past and not date anyone. I actually have pretty high self-esteem, I know I am a great catch and I have a lot to offer to a man. Yes, I did say I was needy, which I am, but in the sense I need to see him more, not I need him to buy me things or tell me that I am attractive, etc. Not date anyone? I'm sorry but that is some bad advice, and pretty discouraging. Please don't post on here if it is going to be that negative. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I need to see him more, not I need him to buy me things or tell me that I am attractive, etc. Well, to buy you thing he needs money and he is pretty focused on getting a lot of that. I'm sure he tells you you are attractive a lot doesn't he? And when you spend time with him you feel as if you are the most beautiful, wonderful, person in the entire world? Most people date and do not feel such a whilwind though they spend more time together. The "more time" translates into sitting next to him watching football games or hanging out with he and his buddies on poker night. Of course if you enjoy time with someone you want more of it. But that can be said even of the people who live together. It is always that way when it's hot and wonderful. I'd ride it out. Enjoy what time Ido get and pamper myself the rest of the time. See friends, etc. See where it goes. You may end up having the conversation about how he sees his future (perhaps he is doing this now because he wants to retire early or only until he marries and starts a family). Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Well, to buy you thing he needs money and he is pretty focused on getting a lot of that. I'm sure he tells you you are attractive a lot doesn't he? And when you spend time with him you feel as if you are the most beautiful, wonderful, person in the entire world? Most people date and do not feel such a whilwind though they spend more time together. The "more time" translates into sitting next to him watching football games or hanging out with he and his buddies on poker night. Of course if you enjoy time with someone you want more of it. But that can be said even of the people who live together. It is always that way when it's hot and wonderful. I'd ride it out. Enjoy what time Ido get and pamper myself the rest of the time. See friends, etc. See where it goes. You may end up having the conversation about how he sees his future (perhaps he is doing this now because he wants to retire early or only until he marries and starts a family). ^^^Cause if anybody has a right to complain about not enough time with her SO, it's IG. Damn straight. Good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 ^^^Cause if anybody has a right to complain about not enough time with her SO, it's IG. Damn straight. Good advice. Awww thank YOU SS_CO. OP -- just think - if you break this off to pursue someone else and you end up with someone that gives you half of what this guy does but twice the time would you be happy with that? I think when you find something like this that is remarkable when you have it then you continue to have it when you can for as long as you can. Mediocre or less is just simply not going to cut it no matter how often I can have it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Guys! She said she needs to see him more not for him to buy her things or tell her she's attractive. I think she's okay with her self esteem. I think what she's missing is being someone's priority, and when looking for a more serious relationship, we all want that. But, OP I agree with IG. Give it some time. Then if you're not where you want to be in his life, either talk with him about it, or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I actually have pretty high self-esteem, I know I am a great catch and I have a lot to offer to a man. Yes, I did say I was needy, which I am, but in the sense I need to see him more, not I need him to buy me things or tell me that I am attractive, etc. Not date anyone? I'm sorry but that is some bad advice, and pretty discouraging. Please don't post on here if it is going to be that negative. I think it's normal to want to spend more time with him. Once a week at best is not a lot. I don't think you should dump him but maybe take some time to expand your YOU time...find things to focus on that you CAN control. Ya know? Pursue dreams. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DynamoOfVolition Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Yes, I did say that I just need to see him more...I do NOT need him to buy me things or tell me im attractive, etc. That is what I meant. I just want more time with him. Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Yes, I did say that I just need to see him more...I do NOT need him to buy me things or tell me im attractive, etc. That is what I meant. I just want more time with him. Don't take it personally when people misread or misinterpret what you're saying. It happens all the time on here. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 So OP, how much time are you going to allow before you speak to him about this? Link to post Share on other sites
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