MissJoness Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I just think women can be clueless about what men really want/like/are attracted to. (As an example: someone on this thread said, women like to think men are intimidated by them but that's not necessarily the case) If she has any good platonic male friends, I would think she can trust them to be honest with her. It has nothing to do w/ intimidation. If a guy is attracted to you and really into you, he won't let intimidation get in the way The men lose interest in her because there are other women that they are dating who they like more. It's just as simple as that.
northstar1 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Same thing happens to me. My theory is that these men are talking to several other women, and the other women may seem more interesting to them, possibly they even put out quicker or are just more fun to be around. It sucks knowing this but in a lot of cases its true. Well, then do something about it. Become more interesting to both yourself and others.
Trialbyfire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Pet peeve rant: If a man finds you attractive enough, there won't be any intimidation factor involved. You can rationalize it as such, for personal ego purposes but it's just blatantly not true. Of the very, very minor percentage males who do get intimated, why would you want someone who lacks balls?
Calendula Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I seriously doubt that those guys were intimidated by her. She mentioned that this has happened with 10-15 guys in the past, so the odds that they were all intimated by her is very, very small in my opinion. How often are guys really intimidated by a woman's confidence/success anyway? I suspect that women think this happens a lot, but I don't see it myself. Maybe it is a possibility if the guy makes much less money than the woman. I think that guys may be initially intimated by women whom they think are exceptionally attractive, but after they've at least made out, they are much less intimidated, if at all. While what you say may be true with regards to a woman's attractiveness, I think the opposite is true with regards to a woman's intelligence or success. Physical appearance or attractiveness is something you can determine immediately, just by looking at someone. The more you look at them and get to know them as a person, the less intimidating their appearance is to you. How smart a woman is isn't something you figure out until you get to know them through talking to them and spending time together. Such mental intimidation would therefore take a little longer to set in, and if a guy is himself confident and intelligent and successful, then it would never be a factor at all. You may simply have never experienced it, for whatever reason, or if you or your friends have, you may not have been aware of it and attributed the failure of your dating prospect to something else like "she was too stubborn" or "we just didn't like the same things." I don't think I would be likely to hear a guy openly state "she was too smart and successful for me." Similarity of interests is also something that would take quite a few dates to figure out. If someone has particular interests and they don't match with the person you are dating, this again would be a reason for numerous short term dating relationships to die off, simply because of lack of mutual interests.
torranceshipman Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 My boyfriend is extremely smart...one thing that really excites him about me is that he regards me as really smart too (not saying I am, it's just his perception of me!), loves that I'm interested in talking about books, study, etc, and that I am strong (character wise). I wouldn't say other guys ever found these things intimidating - they just weren't really so into it and didn't find it something really alluring (don't blame them, admittedly a lot of it can come across as quite boring!-but it's me and no-one should change). Anyway, this guy is blatantly the best looking, most gentlemanly, clever and successful guy I've met in a heck of a long time, and we do admittedly match so much better than all the other guys I've dated for the past few years. So there was nothing wrong with me in the 1st place, BUT I guess there aren't so many people I match in the first place, so I wasn't really finding a long term match anywhere - this might be the case with you so I say don't second guess yourself, just wait for the right one to come along that thinks whatever you're doing is awesome!
Author amymarieca Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 I think you should stop worrying about what's wrong with you, and start thinking more seriously about what you are looking for in a man... Your brother has noticed that the main thing you go for is "over-opinionated". Really?? that's the main criteria you want in a man?? You went to university, yet you're dating a mechanic and a random subway-meeting... Read something like "the rules" - ones of those dating books that reminds you that the point of dating is to see if YOU like HIM... And get your girlfriends together, but use the time to think about what is important to you... Split them into: (1) essentials - e.g. male, single, intelligent (2) importants - e.g. well-educated, (3) nice-to-haves - e.g. dark-colouring, height Then start dating with a view to refining this list... You will find that stuff you originally thought was 'essential' is merely 'important' - that things on your 'essential' and 'optional' lists swap with each other... Once you start dating guys who you find interesting, as well as them being interested in you, then you'll find yourself in relationships that have potential... The only possible red-flag is you mention the feminist /confident /good job thing a bit, and you're attracted to men who appear to be 'strong'... Have a think about encouraging your feminine side a bit - you're a woman, you can be strong but also female... explore that some, if you feel you haven't already... I do agree with what you are saying. I don't just like anyone because they like me back. I have good standards as to what I expect from someone in a relationship. I see nothing wrong with taking a step back and looking at what I am doing wrong. Sometimes it is good to look at yourself from a different perspective. It can be beneficial in improving relationships with friends, boyfriends, and family. And also, just because I meet someone in a random spot doesn't mean they aren't a good person. The guy I met on the subway happens to sell mutual funds for a well known bank. I also don't think that being a mechanic is a bad job. I don't really think that I should have to date doctor's and lawyers just because I am university-educated. What matters to me is drive, ambition, and passion in their job.
Author amymarieca Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 I seriously doubt that those guys were intimidated by her. She mentioned that this has happened with 10-15 guys in the past, so the odds that they were all intimated by her is very, very small in my opinion. How often are guys really intimidated by a woman's confidence/success anyway? I suspect that women think this happens a lot, but I don't see it myself. Maybe it is a possibility if the guy makes much less money than the woman. I think that guys may be initially intimated by women whom they think are exceptionally attractive, but after they've at least made out, they are much less intimidated, if at all. The OP might be doing something to really turn off those guys so much that they don't want to see her anymore. Either that, or they just wanted sex and then left after they got it. I agree with you very much. I don't think guys are really intimidated by a woman's success. Most men admire the fact that I am successful. I also happened to ask my friends to anonymously tell me what they think the problem was. The general agreement was that I am independent, strong, and successful. I highly disagree with them, because I have never known that to hold anyone back from a relationship!
Author amymarieca Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Amymarieca: How tall are you? I am 5'4". I don't think height is really a factor though! That is a physical thing and I never seem to have a problem with attracting them in the beginning.
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I agree with you very much. I don't think guys are really intimidated by a woman's success. Most men admire the fact that I am successful. I also happened to ask my friends to anonymously tell me what they think the problem was. The general agreement was that I am independent, strong, and successful. I highly disagree with them, because I have never known that to hold anyone back from a relationship! OK.. then maybe you didn't get the answers you wanted: How about making a list yourself of what could be the problems.. and they could 'tick' the boxes.. maybe that could facilitate the task for them..
Tony T Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Make absolutely sure your breath is fresh and you have no other odor issues. Make sure your make-up is properly applied. Make sure you are not talking about long-term relationships or marriage on your initial dates. Make sure you NEVER call the man unless it is an absolute emergency for the first three or four dates. Act nice towards these men but don't let it matter one way or the other if you ever see them again. Men are incredibly turned on by female indifference...it makes them want to fight for you more! Don't be too available. Don't accept dates for the exact day and time they ask every time. Give them an alternative. Don't let the men think they're the only thing you've got going. Don't sleep with a guy too soon. A man who is really interested will stick around a while. Date older guys. All the young ones want to do is get laid...PERIOD! If you're only attracted to young guys, just be prepared to have fun along with them until they grow up. Is it a game, you bet it is. Oh, you're not into games, uh? Well, then keep having the guys disappear on you. Nobody said this shxt was easy!
Tony T Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I am 5'4". I don't think height is really a factor though! That is a physical thing and I never seem to have a problem with attracting them in the beginning. Your height will ONLY be a factor for men who like taller women. That won't even be much of a factor once the guy who likes taller women gets to know you. The physical stuff is only to bring you together. If a guy doesn't like your height you will never know because it's not likely he will ask you out....it's also not likely that he's worth going out with.
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 OK.. then maybe you didn't get the answers you wanted: How about making a list yourself of what could be the problems.. and they could 'tick' the boxes.. maybe that could facilitate the task for them.. Oh Hkizzle made a good list .. check it out.. and maybe you can take all other suggestions on here and make one good complete list so they can just 'tick' the boxes ... What do you think?
Star Gazer Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I am 5'4". I don't think height is really a factor though! Compared to your dress/pant size, it may be a factor for some guys though.
torranceshipman Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I really think those dating rules were a bit formulaic Tony T - sometimes they help but I certainly didn't stick to them with my new guy and nor did he - we expressed genuine interest from day 1 and it was such a refreshing difference from the usual rules that it really helped me to fall for him (and him for me)...
foreal Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 5'4" and a size 16..... I am guessing you have large breasts? Usually that attracts men (large breasts that is)....but 5'4" and a size 16 is pretty chubby... Again, just a guess, but at 5'4", even with an hour glass figure, you are attracting men, but not keeping them b/c a lot of men will be attracted initially to the boobs (looking and/or feeling them etc), but then get turned off at the other large assets...I also have a brother. He told me guys see chubby girls just getting chubbier in the future...and most are not into that. I dunno, maybe the men on here can give feedback on weight and how important it is to keep them coming back for more... I realize this is a sensitive topic, but it may be something to consider?
bayouboi Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I agree with you very much. I don't think guys are really intimidated by a woman's success. Most men admire the fact that I am successful. I also happened to ask my friends to anonymously tell me what they think the problem was. The general agreement was that I am independent, strong, and successful. I highly disagree with them, because I have never known that to hold anyone back from a relationship! This comes across as denial. In the first paragraph you state that 'most men admire the fact that (you) are successful', yet you're coming here asking why men don't seem to want to stick around. Then you state that you asked your friends why they think the men don't want to stick around and their consensus was that it's because you're 'independent, strong, and successful'. You 'agree(d).. very much' with someone who supported YOUR view yet disagreed with the more objective views of what's going on with you. Now I'm not saying that you should give up your ambitions and trade in your shoes for a spatula, but when a man hears a woman that labels herself as 'independent, strong, and successful' he interprets that as 'selfish, stubborn, and feminist'.
Chicago_Guy Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 It has nothing to do w/ intimidation. If a guy is attracted to you and really into you, he won't let intimidation get in the way The men lose interest in her because there are other women that they are dating who they like more. It's just as simple as that. Even if a guy is very attracted to a particular woman, he might also lose interest if he thinks that the woman isn't very attracted to him. Men like a woman he puts forth some effort at some point.
Chicago_Guy Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Make absolutely sure your breath is fresh and you have no other odor issues. Make sure your make-up is properly applied. Make sure you are not talking about long-term relationships or marriage on your initial dates. Make sure you NEVER call the man unless it is an absolute emergency for the first three or four dates. Act nice towards these men but don't let it matter one way or the other if you ever see them again. Men are incredibly turned on by female indifference...it makes them want to fight for you more! Don't be too available. Don't accept dates for the exact day and time they ask every time. Give them an alternative. Don't let the men think they're the only thing you've got going. Don't sleep with a guy too soon. A man who is really interested will stick around a while. Date older guys. All the young ones want to do is get laid...PERIOD! If you're only attracted to young guys, just be prepared to have fun along with them until they grow up. Is it a game, you bet it is. Oh, you're not into games, uh? Well, then keep having the guys disappear on you. Nobody said this shxt was easy! I totally disagree with your comment regarding indifference. I personally like it when a woman puts forth some effort, unless she's calling all the time. Then again, I've never been the type of guy who had to be dating any woman at all times. Also, the OP is 28. I think that there are a lot of 28-year old men who would settle down for the right woman and who don't want to have sex with just anything they can get.
Author amymarieca Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 5'4" and a size 16..... I am guessing you have large breasts? Usually that attracts men (large breasts that is)....but 5'4" and a size 16 is pretty chubby... Again, just a guess, but at 5'4", even with an hour glass figure, you are attracting men, but not keeping them b/c a lot of men will be attracted initially to the boobs (looking and/or feeling them etc), but then get turned off at the other large assets...I also have a brother. He told me guys see chubby girls just getting chubbier in the future...and most are not into that. I dunno, maybe the men on here can give feedback on weight and how important it is to keep them coming back for more... I realize this is a sensitive topic, but it may be something to consider? Yes, I am chubby and I have very large breasts. I am more like a size 14, depending on the make of the clothing. A size 14 person who is short has the same waist size as a person who is tall. Not sure that makes much of a difference, but maybe it does!
fabulous_chk Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I'm 5'3" and a size 6 and still need to lose a couple of lbs to feel fit. You are 5'4" and a size 16...you may need to lose weight I think that is more than overweight. My mom is size 16 and about your height. I know how that looks like. Some of these men maybe were just after sex. I'm sorry people might bash me for this but I'm gonna be honest here. Being overweight is just not attractive. You will have to compensate by having an amazing personality or an extremely beautiful face. The fact that you could be shy at times will not help you. Just being honest.
Author amymarieca Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 This comes across as denial. In the first paragraph you state that 'most men admire the fact that (you) are successful', yet you're coming here asking why men don't seem to want to stick around. Then you state that you asked your friends why they think the men don't want to stick around and their consensus was that it's because you're 'independent, strong, and successful'. You 'agree(d).. very much' with someone who supported YOUR view yet disagreed with the more objective views of what's going on with you. Now I'm not saying that you should give up your ambitions and trade in your shoes for a spatula, but when a man hears a woman that labels herself as 'independent, strong, and successful' he interprets that as 'selfish, stubborn, and feminist'. I probably didn't explain myself very well! What I meant is that they seem to think that men are turned off by the fact I am successful. I disagree with them for a few reasons: 1) I've never heard of a man who bolted because the woman had a lot going for herself (unless he has low self-esteem, and who really wants that?) and 2) I think they were just trying to be nice! I highly doubt any of my friends would tell me that I smell bad or that I am too fat. And why do you think men interpret a woman who is strong, independent, and successful as selfish, stubborn and feminist? Does that mean that a man who has those qualities is a jerk, self-absorbed, and self-centred? That is just a double-standard, and really, who wants a guy who lives by those?
bayouboi Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 And why do you think men interpret a woman who is strong, independent, and successful as selfish, stubborn and feminist? Does that mean that a man who has those qualities is a jerk, self-absorbed, and self-centred? That is just a double-standard, and really, who wants a guy who lives by those? This is a fair question. Let me ask you, what is your reaction if I were to tell you that I am a strong, independent & successful man?
Author amymarieca Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I'm 5'3" and a size 6 and still need to lose a couple of lbs to feel fit. You are 5'4" and a size 16...you may need to lose weight I think that is more than overweight. My mom is size 16 and about your height. I know how that looks like. Some of these men maybe were just after sex. I'm sorry people might bash me for this but I'm gonna be honest here. Being overweight is just not attractive. You will have to compensate by having an amazing personality or an extremely beautiful face. The fact that you could be shy at times will not help you. Just being honest. Yes, I do need to lose some weight. Everyone is shaped differently too, so you can't really compare one size 14 to another. It is the same waist size, but the rest of the weight can be held differently on some people. A lot of my weight sits on my hips and breasts, whereas someone else might carry it in the stomach. I think that has an affect on appearance too. I am overweight and need to change it, but I am at least thankful that the extra padding sits in visually appealing places!
Author amymarieca Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 This is a fair question. Let me ask you, what is your reaction if I were to tell you that I am a strong, independent & successful man? I think of it as exactly what you say.
bayouboi Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I think of it as exactly what you say. And as an extremely small sample of the male population, I've told you what it comes across to me as a male coming from a woman ^_^
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