Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I never really counted, but probably between 10 and 15. Wow.. and they all lost interest after a while???? If the number would have been 2-3 I would have said.. you just got unlucky.. but 10-15.. then yes.. I think you should be concerned.. at least, I would. It could be something really stupid.. like bad breath ... cause from what I read.. there is no reason.. really.. (of course we don,t know you in RL)... post a pic..
Author amymarieca Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Ok fine, I'll give you mine. But people out there don't judge me. Also, I'm not saying this is your case, it's just how I lose interest. Assuming I was initially interest, I lose interest if: 1) The girl is boring to talk to on a date and has nothing to say 2) She's immature 3) She's self centered 4) She doesn't like a lot of things in men that I know I have. Therefore I know we won't work out. 5) She's jumping the gun and talking about the seriousness side of relationships. 6) She's oozing insecurity 7) She talks too much 8) She has a really annoying laugh 9) I buy all dinner and all the drinks and she doesn't say thanks. I don't like feeling like I'm a cash machine 10) She doesn't come off as physically attractive as when I first met her. Thanks! This is exactly the type of response I am looking for. Don't worry, I'm not going to judge someone who is being honest and constructive.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Yes, I agree it is difficult when you don't know me, but I was hoping for some general situations where it could happen. I'm pretty sure that a lot of my girlfriends won't tell me the truth. They always say that I am great. I want the truth even if it makes me cry! My brother gave me his opinion once. He thinks the guys that I date are overly confident and overly opinionated. He also thinks I have a very strong personality and won't take any crap from people. Could this be a factor? Yes.. it could be.. maybe you come up as being too 'feminist' .. most guys don't like that.. for them feminist = b*tch.. Even an overly opinionated, confident man would NOT lose interest if he thinks you're hot.. I have to disagree with your brother here. Tell your best gf that you NEED to know what she thinks..
Author amymarieca Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Wow.. and they all lost interest after a while???? If the number would have been 2-3 I would have said.. you just got unlucky.. but 10-15.. then yes.. I think you should be concerned.. at least, I would. It could be something really stupid.. like bad breath ... cause from what I read.. there is no reason.. really.. (of course we don,t know you in RL)... post a pic.. I agree! That is a concerning number! I put a picture on my profile if you are interested in seeing what I look like.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Ok fine, I'll give you mine. But people out there don't judge me. Also, I'm not saying this is your case, it's just how I lose interest. Assuming I was initially interest, I lose interest if: 1) The girl is boring to talk to on a date and has nothing to say 2) She's immature 3) She's self centered 4) She doesn't like a lot of things in men that I know I have. Therefore I know we won't work out. 5) She's jumping the gun and talking about the seriousness side of relationships. 6) She's oozing insecurity 7) She talks too much 8) She has a really annoying laugh 9) I buy all dinner and all the drinks and she doesn't say thanks. I don't like feeling like I'm a cash machine 10) She doesn't come off as physically attractive as when I first met her. That's a good list..
You'reasian Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Someone who shares the same beliefs and goals, easy to talk to, understands and appreciates who I am. ok. So what do you have to offer a potential suitor?
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 OH.. EUREKA.. I just had an idea... I suppose you have a computer at home.. Invite all your gf for a dinner or simply a cocktail... Tell them your concerns.. Ask them to go to your computer, so they can type a (the) reason(s) they think the guys are losing interest.. they don't have to write their names.. it's 'typed' so no fear to recognize the writing.. Or, if they don't want this... Ask them to type the reason (s) and mail them to you.. it's anonymous.. as long as they're all from the same area.. there is no way you can tell where it comes from... That way.. they can be honest with you.. and remain anonymous.. but PROMISE THEM that you will NOT hold grudges for this.. you got to be sincere about it.. they will help you..
Author amymarieca Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 OH.. EUREKA.. I just had an idea... I suppose you have a computer at home.. Invite all your gf for a dinner or simply a cocktail... Tell them your concerns.. Ask them to go to your computer, so they can type a (the) reason(s) they think the guys are losing interest.. they don't have to write their names.. it's 'typed' so no fear to recognize the writing.. Or, if they don't want this... Ask them to type the reason (s) and mail them to you.. it's anonymous.. as long as they're all from the same area.. there is no way you can tell where it comes from... That way.. they can be honest with you.. and remain anonymous.. but PROMISE THEM that you will NOT hold grudges for this.. you got to be sincere about it.. they will help you.. Wow, what a great idea! I will definitely do that.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Wow, what a great idea! I will definitely do that. Yes I think that could work.. cause even if we go on and on with a zillion of reasons.. unless someone knows you in RL.. no one can tell for sure what the problem is.. Good luck! Keep us posted... I'm curious..
Hkizzle Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 OH.. EUREKA.. I just had an idea... I suppose you have a computer at home.. Invite all your gf for a dinner or simply a cocktail... Tell them your concerns.. Ask them to go to your computer, so they can type a (the) reason(s) they think the guys are losing interest.. they don't have to write their names.. it's 'typed' so no fear to recognize the writing.. Or, if they don't want this... Ask them to type the reason (s) and mail them to you.. it's anonymous.. as long as they're all from the same area.. there is no way you can tell where it comes from... That way.. they can be honest with you.. and remain anonymous.. but PROMISE THEM that you will NOT hold grudges for this.. you got to be sincere about it.. they will help you.. That is a great idea, but if I may add. If you have guy friends you should get their input too.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 That is a great idea, but if I may add. If you have guy friends you should get their input too. Yes .. definitely.. she'd get another perspective... Plus, for example, if she gets 5 out of 7 'you have bad breath' then she'll know.. (supposition here)
mytigerlily Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 hmm...what type of men are you dating? Just be yourself. If they are not interested, may be you just look for other guys! There are plenty of fish out there!Just have fun.
seoa Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 ...asking him if he went to the same university as me ...I don't think I am drawn to "bad boys", but my brother once told me I am attracted to very confident and over-opinionated men. I've met men in many different places. Some examples are the bank, a bar, online, the subway, a mechanic who fixed my car, set ups through friends. I think you should stop worrying about what's wrong with you, and start thinking more seriously about what you are looking for in a man... Your brother has noticed that the main thing you go for is "over-opinionated". Really?? that's the main criteria you want in a man?? You went to university, yet you're dating a mechanic and a random subway-meeting... Read something like "the rules" - ones of those dating books that reminds you that the point of dating is to see if YOU like HIM... And get your girlfriends together, but use the time to think about what is important to you... Split them into: (1) essentials - e.g. male, single, intelligent (2) importants - e.g. well-educated, (3) nice-to-haves - e.g. dark-colouring, height Then start dating with a view to refining this list... You will find that stuff you originally thought was 'essential' is merely 'important' - that things on your 'essential' and 'optional' lists swap with each other... Once you start dating guys who you find interesting, as well as them being interested in you, then you'll find yourself in relationships that have potential... The only possible red-flag is you mention the feminist /confident /good job thing a bit, and you're attracted to men who appear to be 'strong'... Have a think about encouraging your feminine side a bit - you're a woman, you can be strong but also female... explore that some, if you feel you haven't already...
Calendula Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hello everyone! Here's a bit about me so that it can help you give me advice more accurately. I am 28 years old, have had my share of serious and casual relationships, and don't carry a lot of emotional baggage and talk about my past. I am a teacher, so I have a good job and like to think I am smart enough to hold a good conversation. Most people think I am independent and strong. Physically, my face is attractive. I am a size 16 so I am a little overweight, but it all sits in a nice hour-glass shape. My personality I have been told is shy at first but then really fun. The only thing that the guys I am dating have in common is ME, so it must be something I am doing wrong! Can anyone (particularly men) please give me some insight on this? I want the truth, even if it is something that I, or women in general, may not want to hear! If I like someone, I want to get to know them beyond a few dates. I miss having a connection with someone and having a guy who will be there for me. It has been a while since my last serious relationship and I think I am ready to open myself up to the possibility of a boyfriend. I'm pretty sure that a lot of my girlfriends won't tell me the truth. They always say that I am great. I want the truth even if it makes me cry! My brother gave me his opinion once. He thinks the guys that I date are overly confident and overly opinionated. He also thinks I have a very strong personality and won't take any crap from people. Could this be a factor? I read this thread and saw a lot of things that reminded me of myself, enough so that it could have been me typing the above quoted text. I think I may be a lot like you in age, physical stature, education, job, and perspectives, but I only have your few paragraphs to go on. My opinion is that your girlfriends are probably telling you the truth as they know it. They may just not have the perspective or insight to help you get to the bottom of why you haven't found something long term in a while. You may really be just that great in their eyes. Chances are, if this is the case, then the guys you are dating (based on where you meet them) probably feel intimidated by you. They may put on a good show at first, but after they get to know you they may not think they could measure up to your standards and therefore end it before you can because they've convinced themselves that they could never possibly be good enough for you. (this is part of my problem anyway) IMO Your brother's opinion is probably close to the mark as to the manner of the guys you are dating. If they are acting 'overly' confident or opinionated, perhaps they are just trying to measure up to what they think you want, or are hiding deeper insecurities. If it is your confidence, intelligence, and strength that is intimidating these guys, and you end up dating one in the future you really like, you might try and make a point of reassuring them that they really are just what you want, as they are. Thing is, you have to know what it is that you really want so that you can effectively communicate it to them and help them feel more secure with you. I've had some trouble in my recent relationship with my guy feeling like he isn't good enough because of things I do or say. Sometimes it is a valid feeling (he really isn't good enough about doing something), but a lot of times it is his own insecurities and past bad experiences coming face to face with my strengths, intelligence/education, and strong opinions about things. I would suggest you keep looking, and aim high in your expectations of the men you want to date. Figure out what you want from them (like Seoa suggested in the previous post) and let them know early on. If you lay it out on the table early, then perhaps you could save yourself some time and misery. Any guy who would be right for you should be able to handle it. If not, they weren't worth the time anyway.
Chicago_Guy Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I read this thread and saw a lot of things that reminded me of myself, enough so that it could have been me typing the above quoted text. I think I may be a lot like you in age, physical stature, education, job, and perspectives, but I only have your few paragraphs to go on. My opinion is that your girlfriends are probably telling you the truth as they know it. They may just not have the perspective or insight to help you get to the bottom of why you haven't found something long term in a while. You may really be just that great in their eyes. Chances are, if this is the case, then the guys you are dating (based on where you meet them) probably feel intimidated by you. They may put on a good show at first, but after they get to know you they may not think they could measure up to your standards and therefore end it before you can because they've convinced themselves that they could never possibly be good enough for you. (this is part of my problem anyway) IMO Your brother's opinion is probably close to the mark as to the manner of the guys you are dating. If they are acting 'overly' confident or opinionated, perhaps they are just trying to measure up to what they think you want, or are hiding deeper insecurities. If it is your confidence, intelligence, and strength that is intimidating these guys, and you end up dating one in the future you really like, you might try and make a point of reassuring them that they really are just what you want, as they are. Thing is, you have to know what it is that you really want so that you can effectively communicate it to them and help them feel more secure with you. I've had some trouble in my recent relationship with my guy feeling like he isn't good enough because of things I do or say. Sometimes it is a valid feeling (he really isn't good enough about doing something), but a lot of times it is his own insecurities and past bad experiences coming face to face with my strengths, intelligence/education, and strong opinions about things. I would suggest you keep looking, and aim high in your expectations of the men you want to date. Figure out what you want from them (like Seoa suggested in the previous post) and let them know early on. If you lay it out on the table early, then perhaps you could save yourself some time and misery. Any guy who would be right for you should be able to handle it. If not, they weren't worth the time anyway. I seriously doubt that those guys were intimidated by her. She mentioned that this has happened with 10-15 guys in the past, so the odds that they were all intimated by her is very, very small in my opinion. How often are guys really intimidated by a woman's confidence/success anyway? I suspect that women think this happens a lot, but I don't see it myself. Maybe it is a possibility if the guy makes much less money than the woman. I think that guys may be initially intimated by women whom they think are exceptionally attractive, but after they've at least made out, they are much less intimidated, if at all. The OP might be doing something to really turn off those guys so much that they don't want to see her anymore. Either that, or they just wanted sex and then left after they got it.
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I also agree with Chicago.. to many guys for that kind of coincidence. and I also disagree about her friends.. I think they can have a really good idea of what is going on.. it's just that they are afraid to hurt her...
sunshinegirl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I don't think it makes sense to ask girlfriends why men are losing interest - ask MEN! aka your target audience! Good luck...
torranceshipman Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You probably aren't doing anything wrong - it is probably that these guys aren't right for you long term, and you aren't right for them...when the right one comes along, you'll know and it'll work!
MissJoness Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Same thing happens to me. My theory is that these men are talking to several other women, and the other women may seem more interesting to them, possibly they even put out quicker or are just more fun to be around. It sucks knowing this but in a lot of cases its true.
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I don't think it makes sense to ask girlfriends why men are losing interest - ask MEN! aka your target audience! Good luck... Do you honestly think that the men will tell her.. She has way more chances with her best friends..
Calendula Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 IME, I've scared away at least that many guys just by being intelligent and letting them know it by talking about more than just the weather or popular gossip. I'd much rather discuss science, philosophy, or teaching and psychology with someone than what happened on last night's TV programming or sports game, and few people I meet can keep up with me when I get on a highly technical discussion topic. When dating someone who I thought was even a prospect, I've never tried to be anything I'm not (putting on a front, so to speak) and we would go out on 3 to 4 dates and hang out on different occasions over the course of 2 to 3 weeks and the relationship would then just die. It wasn't anyone's fault, and I know I wasn't doing anything "wrong" (how can I be if I'm just being me) we just didn't match. There was a period in my life when I must have dated at least 8 to 10 different guys over the course of 6 months and pretty much every one of those relationships ended because I knew what I wanted, let them know what that was, and they weren't it. I can't even know how many potential dates I scared off because of my directness and honesty, but if they couldn't handle it then it was their loss. Whether you call it being intimidated by a woman's confidence or not, I do know that I was direct, honest, and open, and a lot of guys I thought I was interested in couldn't handle me. People say they want someone who is confident and open and knows what they want, and when people actually are this way, you can do a lot of dating, of all sorts of guys, without finding that one person who matches you. There is a saying, "When you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there." I think the same may be true for relationships, "When you don't know who/what you want, anyone will do."
MissJoness Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Yeah, if you ask the men they are not going to tell you the truth, they'll just dance around the questions and make up more excuses as to why they aren't contacting you as much. You'll come across and clingy and needy by even asking
sunshinegirl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Do you honestly think that the men will tell her.. She has way more chances with her best friends.. I just think women can be clueless about what men really want/like/are attracted to. (As an example: someone on this thread said, women like to think men are intimidated by them but that's not necessarily the case) If she has any good platonic male friends, I would think she can trust them to be honest with her.
Trialbyfire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I don't think it makes sense to ask girlfriends why men are losing interest - ask MEN! aka your target audience! Good luck... Yup but not only ask men but ask your exact target audience since not all men want the same things.
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