LindsM12 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Hello all! I am looking for some unbiased advice on this situation. A little quick background. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We bought a house together a little over a year ago. I compromised and lived where he wanted to (big mistake!). We live less than a mile from his parents. They are way too involved. They are constantly showing up at my house uninvited and everything we do, they have to be with us. His mom still manages his checkbook and bills. So the first part of my question is how to I get him to break him away from his parents without sounding like a total b****. Second of all, his dad is an alcoholic. He doesn't admit that he is but by definition he definitely is. He is always drinking and driving. He can't even drive the less than a mile to my house without having a beer in his cup holder. His dad's best friend is a male pig. He is degrading to woman and is also an alcoholic. Now my boyfriend springs on me that he is going to Mrytle Beach with his dad and his dad's friend for a golf trip in two weeks. They are packing coolers with beer for the trip down. Now that is only one of the problems that I have with him going on this trip. The second problem I have is that I have been asking to go on a trip together for two years. With his mom having control of his finances, she always ends those ideas because she says he doesn't have any money. Well now that it is a trip with his dad, he can go. I find this completely unfair and ridiculous. This trip is causing problems beyond belief. It is tearing us apart. I have been an emotional mess since finding out he is going. We do nothing but fight about it. My friends and family say that he is out of line and inconsiderate and of course his friends and family say that I am being ridiculous. I need an unbiased view of this situation. I am completely hurt by this situation. Any advice?
dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 How old is he? I could not date a man who's mom still balanced his check book.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 OMG... drop him like a hot potato.. don't waste anymore time and energy on this spineless wussy... It's been over 4 years and his mother still manages his finances.. for Pete's sake.. Plus I don't know why a girl like you would want to spend her life with those 'hillbillies'... (showing up uninvited, sticking around constantly, driving with beer in cup holder, alcoholics, dad's friend is a pig, degrading to women).. wow.. nice family.. If I were you I would notify the cops.. I don't know where you live, but here in Canada.. they automatically lose their driver's licence.. if caught drunk and driving. How can you live like that.. I would end up hating this family sooo much along with the bf.. It's OK for him to spend his money on HIS trip with his dad but not with you... how dare he? I find this completely unfair and ridiculous. This trip is causing problems beyond belief. It is tearing us apart. I have been an emotional mess since finding out he is going. We do nothing but fight about it. My friends and family say that he is out of line and inconsiderate and of course his friends and family say that I am being ridiculous. I need an unbiased view of this situation. I am completely hurt by this situation. I completely agree with your family.. he is being an inconsiderate 'brat'. My only advice.. leave him... I doubt this will get better.. his family will ALWAYS be against you if you made him change.. plus they have waayy too much control over HIS life.. and yours... this is insane.. I don't know how you can live like that.. honestly.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Did he go from his parents house to the house with you? I find it really really super weird that his parents, or mom, would manage his money being that he lives seperately. I would find it weird even if he lived with his parents. Unfortunetly, you aren't going to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Have you asked him what he thinks about the situation of his mom managing his money? I really can't understand any man that would be happy with this. Maybe he just goes with it because he can't stand up to his mom? Maybe you can suggest helping him getting started to manage his own money? Do you find him to be independent in other areas of his life? Or not so much? Does he sometimes look to you to take care of him like his mom? Personally heck yeah I would be hurt too, so I don't think you are being ridiculous. Especially with an acolholic falther and misgonistic uncle. I don't see his attitude toward his family or his relationship changing unless he really wants it too. ANd right now, he doesn't. You said this was a big issue between you two. Did he ever take the time to listen to what you think on this subject or was he automatically defensive and on the side of his family? Does he take your needs inconsideration in the relationhip usually or not?
Hkizzle Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Wow, you married a true momma's boy. That sucks, I don't know how to give advice to you. Other than bring out the whip and whip some sense into his wimpy ass.
Author LindsM12 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 We met in college where we lived next door to each other. After graduating from college he moved back in with his parents and I lived on my own for 2 years. Then we decided to buy this house together. He does get frustrated with his mom sometimes regarding his checkbook and stuff. However when I mention the simple solution to this is to do it himself he says he doesn't want to because it is easier when she just does it. He says he doesn't have to worry about anything then. Please...he has to sit and talk to her every Sunday about his finances. He's 25 for goodness sake! I think standing up to her is one of his biggest downfalls. He won't stand up for anything. He is too scared to tell her how he feels. I would definitely say that he is not a very independent person. He leans on them way too much which is why they are probably overly involved. As far as notifying the cops, I tried but unless I am directly behind them driving I can't call in a drunk driver. (I think that is bull****, but whatever!) He refuses to see my side of the whole trip thing! I don't know how else to make it clear. I told one of my friends this morning...I could never go on like this knowing how much it hurt someone I love. I don't understand how he can be so blind to the fact that he is hurting me so much. I guess it is just his selfishness. Or maybe it's mine...so he says.
fishtaco Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Don't get into relationships with momma's boys. You will ALWAYS get kicked around, because you are not important. You have to get out. You will always be on the outside. A relationship can be fixed only if both parties are willing. In this sort of situations, he's not willing, because he'd have to give up being a momma's boy. Many times momma's boys become momma's boys because the mom is overbearing and over protective. That's her son. You have no right taking him away from her. You have conflict of interest as far as the mom is concerned. And he is guaranteed to be on the mom's side. Sorry, be smarter about picking your man next time. I'm with Lizzie60, dump the guy. As a guy, I feel embarrassed that there are guys like this out there.
pittman Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Yeah like fishtaco said, your gonna get kicked around forever, go on a trip without him, and when you get back tell him you met someone with some balls that manages his own money. (this could be really bad advise but its what id do)
Kamille Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 What's with all the dump his az comments? they've been together for 4 1/2 years, so I'm assuming there are some good things about the R. Approach number 2: baby steps. LindsM's bf tells his financial advisor: "listen mom, it's really important that LindsM and I go on a trip together. How about we figure out a budget that would allow me to save for a trip with my honey?"
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 If you guys are living together why don't you do the finances? I'm not saying it's your job or anything (it isn't), but that would make it easier for you guys to control your own lives.
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 From what I read .. I think you are 'emotionally dependant' on him.. which is not good.. you need to be stronger.. and NOT let them push you around like that.. He treats his mother more importantly than he treats you... this guy is a wimp.. and he won't change anytime soon.. dump the jerk! If you stay with him.. (and I think you will)... and imagine for a second that you get pregnant.. and let's say you like a name but his mother likes another name better.. one you actually hate... then he takes his mother's side... and so on and so on... you will see no end to this.. imagine raising a kid with his parents taking charge... OMG.. I feel sorry for you... Trust me.. be strong and kick him to the curb..
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 If you guys are living together why don't you do the finances? I'm not saying it's your job or anything (it isn't), but that would make it easier for you guys to control your own lives. Read her post (#6)...
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Read her post (#6)... Yea I see, the whole dependent/not standing up for himself thing...
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I think she's in for a long and painful life with this guy..
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 How old is he? I could not date a man who's mom still balanced his check book. No ****. That's exactly what I thought. Does she change his diapers, too? There's no way I could be in relationship with a man whose mother CONTROLS his money. Yikes.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 LindsM's bf tells his financial advisor: "listen mom, it's really important that LindsM and I go on a trip together. How about we figure out a budget that would allow me to save for a trip with my honey?" A grown man that has to figure out a way to get HIS MONEY handled the way he wants while it sits in his mother's hands? Are you kidding me? I am at a loss as to why she bought a house with this guy in the first place! Get out while you can. :eek::eek:
sugarmomma Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Mom is controlling and dependent on alcoholic? Total codependency, dysfunction and enmeshment. This family clearly has no rules or boundaries, Kamille, how can you suggest she stay in a situation like this? Alcoholism does a job on a family as a whole and I know from personal experience.
Kamille Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I proposed a way where they could work within the parameters of the current arrangement and move towards a new arrangement. A way for him to start speaking up about his needs to his mom and a way for LindsM and her bf to find a compromise when it comes to the trip. I also suspect that the two hours budget calls to his mom are about more then finance for both mother and son. It's likely a psychological prop for the two of them and that is why it is so hard for them to let that habit go. Fine. That's what it is. Let's leave them their blanki and find a space where LindsM and her bf can enter into a dialogue about a way where she could also feel happy in the R. I think it's easy to judge other people's relationship and recommend they dump their partners. And yet, we're the first to complain that we live in a society of disposable relationships. I also know, from experience, that it's hard to leave a long term relationship. I much prefer LindsM's bf and her try to find compromise within then relationship before calling it quits. I understand why she is upset with the way things are, but dumping him seems like a radical solution to me.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 There are so many issues going on the least of which (however alarming and glaring) is the money situation. The entire family has boundary issues. The BF who has been in this relationship for years hasn't made his partner's wants a priority. Clearly taking a trip together is something she has wanted - and it is the mother who puts the kibosh on that straight away. When he goes on this trip she will sit with the worry of her BF father and friend driving drunk and risking their lives along with her BFs. How should she handle that? "BF you must do all of the driving" and then how is she assured of that? Would you be comfortable with your loved one traveling with a known alcoholic who ONLY drives drunk and drinking behind the wheel? There are big huge issues going on and they are glaring. I don't see where he is separating himself or the relationship and prioritizing her at all. In fact quite the reverse. This would take a whole lot of counseling and even then there has to be an understanding there IS a problem to even begin to work on it. Do you see any indication that he is on the same page with her?
Kamille Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 This would take a whole lot of counseling and even then there has to be an understanding there IS a problem to even begin to work on it. Do you see any indication that he is on the same page with her? I totally wholeheartedly agree there are a lot of issues here, and that him establishing healthy boundaries and making her feel like a priority is one of them. I am not diminishing the hurt or pain that the situation is causing her. But it seems to me that what I suggested, that he start establishing better boundaries within the current parameters is a step towards better communication between the two of them. He's so far refused LindsM's input on the premise that And I am adressing the issues: her first question is this: So the first part of my question is how to I get him to break him away from his parents without sounding like a total b****. He won't wake up one morning and suddenly no longer need to rely on his parents as much as he does now. But he can be encouraged to take little steps towards gaining further autonomy. If she feels like supporting him in this, that is up to her. If she is fed up and can no longer stand the situation, then, yes, she should consider leaving him. Second of all, his dad is an alcoholic. He doesn't admit that he is but by definition he definitely is. He is always drinking and driving. He can't even drive the less than a mile to my house without having a beer in his cup holder. His dad's best friend is a male pig. He is degrading to woman and is also an alcoholic. Now my boyfriend springs on me that he is going to Mrytle Beach with his dad and his dad's friend for a golf trip in two weeks. They are packing coolers with beer for the trip down. Now that is only one of the problems that I have with him going on this trip. Yes, I would have issues with the likely drunk driving involve in this scenario. Her bf, however, doesn't. The way I see it, she cannot control the dad and the uncle, nor, really, can she control the bf. She has to recognize that he is making the decision to go on the trip, not his mom and dad. He is putting himself in the way of danger and she has to let him take responsibility for that. I've been in a relationship with a heavy drinker: all she can do is voice, calmly, why the situation worries her. Then let him make his decision. If she cannot live with it, again, she has to make that decision for herself. This trip with his parents is bringing up a lot of underlying issues. The fact that his family is so involved in their life is causing her anxiety. She cannot, however, solve this. He has to do it. Or rather, Lindsm and bf have to find little compromises so that he doesn't outright tune her out on the premise that she is "being ridiculous". Sounds to me like the core thing that's missing in their R right now is that basic trust that they both want what's best for the R. Either she works towards re-establishing that trust or she moves on.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I think it's easy to judge other people's relationship and recommend they dump their partners. And yet, we're the first to complain that we live in a society of disposable relationships. I got to agree with this. Whenever anyone asks a tough relationship question people come in screaming "dump them". OP, you need to ask him what he really wants from life, his future plans and his future with you. Is he going to be 35 STILL having mom help him with fiances? What happens when she gets very old and passes a way? Even ask him how he would feel if you denied him vacation time with you but went on a trip with your mom and aunt? On second though, if he is going to vacation with his family, maybe you should make your own trip to vacation without him. Be prepared for now at least that if you do stay envolved with him, mom is going to come first. I really suggest counceling for you two if you see yourselves settling down further together.
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