Katherineos123 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 My heart is breaking because I love him, but I he's not treating me the way I deserve... Im currently in a relationship, for about a year, and the guy has been very hurtful/unappreciative of me the past month or so... We had reached the tipping point two weeks ago, and he hurt my feelings terribly. I told him how much he hurt me and he said he would try and be more appreciative and considerate and loving of me, and that he loved me and blah blah blah... We met up this past weekend and had a wonderful night on Friday, laughing, having fun, had awesome sex... we talked about our problems and both agreed that we want to work this out and that what we have is too good to give up on. He was having some sort of family reunion and kept introducing me to all of his family with his arm around me, complimenting me, and he just seemed to be very proud of me. Well. He hurt me AGAIN on saturday night, taking me for granted, making me feel disposable, and unloved... Im at my complete wits end. I know I need to break up with him because he is obviously incapable of giving me what I want/deserve, but the thing is... I dont want to end things. I still love him... Although at this point, Im not even sure why.... Im at the point where the bad times are begining to outweigh the good times, and that whenever things ARE going well, Im always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for everything to turn south... However, I feel as though because Ive given him so many chances, that that is part of the reason why he's not trying... I feel like he believes to have me wrapped around his finger, and that Im so hopelessly devoted that Ill stick around... I know he would miss me terribly... Im hoping that if I dump him it might be a serious reality check for him, and that he might realize what he's lost...
Adri Ana Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Benique , do not make fun on her . She just wanted as many posters as possible to pay attention to her post . Have some pity . Though your answer on her other post I loved .
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 you just wrote it .. chickeeeeen Thank you so much for your reply. It was really helpful. And no Im not chicken, If I were chicken Id stick around in an unhealthy relationship. Im just in pain because I care about this man, and Im about to say goodbye to him.
Adri Ana Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Katherine , the main is to stay in a healthy relationship and to remain sane after it if you ever break it up .. So , think over it . Do you have chances to stay sane or is there anything indicating you would go insane in a short while with him ?
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Break up with him... move on.. This type of guy is only able to love periodically... they can't, for some mysterious reasons, keep a healthy relationship. It's always going to be this way... a 'roller coaster' of happiness followed by extreme sadness... you can't win with this type of guy... Trust me.. leave him.. let him suffer a while.. if he really loves you.. he will come back.. but warn him.. if it starts all over again.. it's over, fini.. ni-ni.. forever.. you got to be strong.. and never look back.. Think about you.. you need to feel 'safe' and happy.. not miserable..
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Adri: Thanks for your post. I think that i would manage to hold it together after the break up. Im going to be sad, definitely. But I know its what must be done, because the games he's playing with me now are what will inevitably drive me nuts... I just wish this guy gave us more of a fighting chance. And Im hoping that MAAAAYBE this split will help him to realize that... Lizzie: Youre absolutely right with the loving periodically. Its up one minute down the next, and it makes me feel inadequate. Like I cant seem to make him happy. Like theres something wrong with me, like Im not enough... I know everyone preaches no contact. But what if youre the one doing the breaking? I dont really know how to approach that... Im thinking I might just say something along the lines of "As much as I love you, I have to make myself happy, and Im not happy. I dont think you can give me what I deserve and need right now. I wish things were different, but I dont think you are ready to devote yourself to me the way I need you to... If you feel you are up to that challange, Id be willing to give it another shot, but for now, I have to take care of myself" Sort of an open ended split? This way, if he takes some time to think things over and comes back, Ill know that it was on his own accord, and if he doesnt.... well then theres my answer in itself.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 That's perfect.. try that.. you got nothing to lose... except him.. but if you lose him.. at least you don't lose your sanity.. Good luck!
MSUE Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I must have missed the memo somewhere...Op you describe in detail the positives such as him holding you while being introduced to family...but there are no details on the negatives other than he treats me wrong or he doesn't appreciate me...so I wonder about an example of it...or if its sensitivity ? then again I think I missed the memo;)
Tony T Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Regrettably, it's not likely your bf is going to change...become more considerate and appreciative. He was most likely that way in the beginning of the relationship when his job was to suck you in. Now he's got you, he's relaxed and he's being himself. You see his real self and it's not fulfilling for you. TAKE HEED TO THAT INFORMATION. Every woman in the world thinks she can change a man but it's impossible. Frankly, the more time you spend with him the more you're going to see he's not only unappreciative but he's demanding, insincere, self centered and near narcissistic. I've seen these types over and over. I know it's really hard because you fell in love with the person he was...the person you thought him to be. Thankfully he is showing you his real self before you may have decided to marry him. Cut your losses short and move on. That's your ONLY choice. OR you can stick around and live in hurt for many years until he finds another woman he wants to suck off of. I'm just so sorry. You have already seen evidence that he won't change. Even when he says he will work on things, he goes right back to being an arsehole.
seoa Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Yes, i'm also not quite clear on what's so bad, and why, so in that context... Breaking up with him because you hope he will then start chasing after you...?? It's extremely risky, and quite likely to backfire. Is there a halfway-house option - something like becoming less available? Maybe just get busy (more trips to gym, out with friends, to see family) in a really pleasant way (avoid suppressed anger), so that you are mysteriously less available to him... That way, you'll find out if he responds by chasing you, or breathing a sigh of relief. If it's the first, you've got what you wanted, and you'll probably both recover from the experience (unlike if you force a fake breakup, which seems to be what you're suggesting).
NopeNah Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I agree with the other posters. There's no mention of his wrong doings. I only see positive stuff about the guy.
TaraMaiden Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Sometimes it's hard to articulate exactly what the 'wrong-doing' is... it's just a feeling that something isn't right. An Instinct, if you will.... And occasionally, it's lots of "little things" that just don't add up, but pile up... Remembering that it's the little things that count. like a house... it's not the bricks that hold it together, it's the mortar. if the OP feels uncomfortable, and knows that something isn't gelling, then I'd trust her instinct.
NopeNah Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 That's true,Tara. For the Op.. When you break up with him don't believe any of the begging,pleading,ect...words he says. It's all in hopes of keeping you around. He's going to have to show you what you want by actions. In the same turn though, if he was to listen to the fine folks of LS he'll go NC and begin to heal himself and move on...tricky situation you're in if your intent is to have him chase you..Good luck!
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 yeah. my mind is pretty much made up. I know what I have to do. And although I can understand why it may have seemed that way from my original post, Im not breaking up with him as some sort of scare tactic. I am not happy, and I know I deserve better than the way this guy is treating me. I was simply stating earlier, that perhaps now he MAY take me seriously, and he wont know what he had till its gone... Tony, you pretty much nailed it. when we first started dating, he was sweet and considerate, and romantic and the whole nine... Now I understand that this was the wooing stage, and its not going to last forever. But for the past few months, he has been acting like a complete jerk. Saying inconsiderate things, not calling when he says he will, ignoring me, two weeks ago he went MIA on me for 4 days!... hence the tipping point I described in the original post. So, in a sense, Ive already mourned the loss of him in those 4 days (two weeks ago) I already went through the begining stages of the breakup rollercoaster. And now he set me up again just to knock me down, and I dont have the strength to try anymore. That broke my heart, and I told him so. he felt badly, said he would never do it again, and that he loves me. The other thing to mention is that we are in a semi long distance relationship, wherein we only see each other on the weekends, sometimes with a week or two in between, so it would be pretty ridiculous for him to claim that I am smothering, or too needy... Its just that I know he's not going to change unless he truly wants to. Maybe the split will help him to realize whats at stake. Im not banking on it by any means, but its nice to have hope.
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 yeah. my mind is pretty much made up. I know what I have to do. And although I can understand why it may have seemed that way from my original post, Im not breaking up with him as some sort of scare tactic. I am not happy, and I know I deserve better than the way this guy is treating me. I was simply stating earlier, that perhaps now he MAY take me seriously, and he wont know what he had till its gone... Tony, you pretty much nailed it. when we first started dating, he was sweet and considerate, and romantic and the whole nine... Now I understand that this was the wooing stage, and its not going to last forever. But for the past few months, he has been acting like a complete jerk. Saying inconsiderate things, not calling when he says he will, ignoring me, two weeks ago he went MIA on me for 4 days!... hence the tipping point I described in the original post. So, in a sense, Ive already mourned the loss of him in those 4 days (two weeks ago) I already went through the begining stages of the breakup rollercoaster. And now he set me up again just to knock me down, and I dont have the strength to try anymore. That broke my heart, and I told him so. he felt badly, said he would never do it again, and that he loves me. The other thing to mention is that we are in a semi long distance relationship, wherein we only see each other on the weekends, sometimes with a week or two in between, so it would be pretty ridiculous for him to claim that I am smothering, or too needy... Its just that I know he's not going to change unless he truly wants to. Maybe the split will help him to realize whats at stake. Im not banking on it by any means, but its nice to have hope. Scary stuff... sounds like the exact position I was put in with my fiance, and after he came back to me, i'm back in the same position once again. I felt it was nessesary to break up with him after he dissappeared for 4 days. He didn't care what I needed, it was all about him, and if I didn't like it... then oh well. I tried talking to him about it many times (and find myself doing the same thing all over again) and he reassures me that it won't happen again and that he's very sorry. Now i'm stuck in the same situation again. I ended up taking him back almost a month later when he realized he couldn't be without me. I assumed he would make an effort to change this time around, but damn was I wrong. I'll tell ya now though, I had that same "i'm ready for this to be over" mentality. I prepared myself as much as I could. I was grieving the loss of the man that I fell in love with months before we actually broke up. I thought I was ready to break up with him. Until I broke up with him. That's a completely different story. There was no preparing for that kind of heartbreak. I really feel for you. I'm trying my hardest as we speak to get him to open his eyes to the way he is treating me. Nothing is working. And we are supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. Whatever you decide to do though, stand behind your decision.. no matter how painful it's going to get. Because I promise, it will be extremely painful. But keep in mind that this is not the guy that you fell in love with. This is someone else that has taken ahold of his body. Someone else that doesn't appreciate you and understand you the way you need. As for me, I think i'll struggle with this for a few more years until I hit absolute rock bottom, get a divorce, swear off men entirely. Become the bitter old cat woman you always hear about. Ok, not really, but that sounds a lot easier than doing what I know needs to be done. I really wish you luck. Keep us updated!
MSUE Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Saying inconsiderate things, not calling when he says he will, ignoring me, two weeks ago he went MIA on me for 4 days!... hence the tipping point I described in the original post. So, in a sense, Ive already mourned the loss of him in those 4 days (two weeks ago) I already went through the begining stages of the breakup rollercoaster. And now he set me up again just to knock me down, and I dont have the strength to try anymore. now there's an example 4 days MIA completely unacceptable...did he even give you a reson? Maybe the split will help him to realize whats at stake. Im not banking on it by any means, but its nice to have hope. what's at stake? split means all gone... I agree with those posters if you are doing this as a wake-up call and truthfully that's what it sounds like...otherwise why hope? you might be in for a rude awakening...he may not even care and move on a whole of a lot faster than you...but regardless of...it doesn't sound like prince charming...in fact quiet far from it... Good Luck and remember you always have LS to count on;)
NopeNah Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Scary stuff... sounds like the exact position I was put in with my fiance, and after he came back to me, i'm back in the same position once again. I felt it was nessesary to break up with him after he dissappeared for 4 days. He didn't care what I needed, it was all about him, and if I didn't like it... then oh well. I tried talking to him about it many times (and find myself doing the same thing all over again) and he reassures me that it won't happen again and that he's very sorry. Now i'm stuck in the same situation again. I ended up taking him back almost a month later when he realized he couldn't be without me. I assumed he would make an effort to change this time around, but damn was I wrong. I'll tell ya now though, I had that same "i'm ready for this to be over" mentality. I prepared myself as much as I could. I was grieving the loss of the man that I fell in love with months before we actually broke up. I thought I was ready to break up with him. Until I broke up with him. That's a completely different story. There was no preparing for that kind of heartbreak. I really feel for you. I'm trying my hardest as we speak to get him to open his eyes to the way he is treating me. Nothing is working. And we are supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. Whatever you decide to do though, stand behind your decision.. no matter how painful it's going to get. Because I promise, it will be extremely painful. But keep in mind that this is not the guy that you fell in love with. This is someone else that has taken ahold of his body. Someone else that doesn't appreciate you and understand you the way you need. As for me, I think i'll struggle with this for a few more years until I hit absolute rock bottom, get a divorce, swear off men entirely. Become the bitter old cat woman you always hear about. Ok, not really, but that sounds a lot easier than doing what I know needs to be done. I really wish you luck. Keep us updated! So....why are you going to marry this guy?
MSUE Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I really feel for you. I'm trying my hardest as we speak to get him to open his eyes to the way he is treating me. Nothing is working. And we are supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. you can't change anyone...you can only change yourself...and even that is a challenge But keep in mind that this is not the guy that you fell in love with. This is someone else that has taken ahold of his body. Someone else that doesn't appreciate you and understand you the way you need. i disagree a bit with you here...this is in fact that man...true colors come once the honeymoon stage fades...if you believe otherwise so you are only fooling yourself...which may make dealing with the situation a bit better but its not reality As for me, I think i'll struggle with this for a few more years until I hit absolute rock bottom, get a divorce, swear off men entirely. Become the bitter old cat woman you always hear about. Ok, not really, but that sounds a lot easier than doing what I know needs to be done. Why struggle? you can still stop this wedding...you might be making the biggest mistake of your life...I know its not easy and you may be concerned about family and friends and what they think...one of my girls went trough a similar scenario...we all tried to stop that wedding we came up with every way possible and she was more concerned about what everyone else would think than herself...eventually the non-appreciation turned into resentment and resentment turn into heated arguments that only escalated and then what? well one day she came to my door desperate with bruises all over... I'm not saying by any means your SO will become violent I'm just giving you an example of a similar scenario that ended really really bad...today they are still together...sadly so is the abuse
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I feel as though I am beginning to hijack this thread. I think I will post a thread on exactly what I am going through.
9Lives Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 If you dont like the way he is treating you NOW....and it is still pretty new...then I dont think it is going to get alot better. It is hard when people change on us. I think once you notice that your future is going to be a up and down rollercoaster and you will be going thru stupid changes...you might want to seriously consider moving forward. I did not take care of myself while I was in a relationship and I paid for it. I should have made a TOUGH decision but I was too weak to do it. You HAVE to take care of YOU. He is not going to do it. He is not going to respect you unless you respect YOURSELF. It is f/king hard man. But find out NOW then to invest years later like a lot of us to find out that you should have done it long time ago. I had to learn the hard way. Keep in Mind...It is YOUR RESPONBILITY to take care of you rather you are in a relationship or not. It is your responsibiliity to make sure YOUR best interest is always being considered. If it is not, and you arent do anything about it.....You mind as well join the coping forum too. Most of the relationship we have are not meant to be forever. Eventually we meet the right man or woman. Until then..everyone else is a test to see how much you value yourself....and to learn alot of other stuff about yourself and others. Dont let him fool you. I have played the fool for 2 1/2 years. The first were good,,,the last was A HOT MESS. I treated myself like s/it and I learned more about me and what is not good to do in a relationship. Think it thru and dont settle
MSUE Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I feel as though I am beginning to hijack this thread. I think I will post a thread on exactly what I am going through. ok cool...that's the best thing to do...so focus can go back to OP I'll check it when its ready
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Thought Id give you guys a little update on my situation.... I have not talked to my "boyfriend" since Sunday afternoon. I texted him on Monday afternoon saying "Im going to visit so and so at 6:00. Ill call you when I get home" No reply. So, I called him that night at around 9:00 to tell him that I couldnt do this with him anymore. He didnt pick up. I called him yesturday after I got home from work to try and talk to him again. He hit the "f you" button. So, I sent him a text saying "Well, I really wanted to talk to you but since you wont pick up or return any of my phone calls, I guess Im going to have to do this over text..." And I sent him a couple of texts explaining how Im feeling, and that I cant do this any longer. All of which delivered successfully to him. Have not heard anything in return. Now, I know I shouldnt have broken up with him via text message. But I had been trying to talk to him for 3 days, and the stress of it all was making me sick, I had to get it off my chest.... But I really cant believe that he has not gotten in touch with me, which could mean one of three things... 1) He's a coward, and doesnt want to face the music 2) He doesnt care and he never did or 3) He feels hurt and his pride is getting in his way, just like it always has Which ever way you slice it. I obviously have made the right decision in letting this man child go. But it still stings.
9Lives Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Well I know that sucks but just remember ....IT TAKES TWO. You cant make him do anything and you didnt do anything wrong. It is "his" choice to carry "his" side of the relationship He got EVERY call, text, email, or whatever. I know it hurts but that should tell you that the future with him was going to continue to be stressful. he couldnt even handle the "get together" so how could he handle more than that. HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH!!!! Be GLAD you found out sooner than later
Lishy Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 K i have been with a man just the same Get ready for a HUGE rollercoaster! He will pick you up and drop you until one day the light will switch on in your brain and you will know what to do and it wont be hard. By the way my one did all the things yours is doing and it turned out he was a cheat and let me tell you not once did I think he would cheat on me! You are best rid of him but I know how it hurts!
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