letinmotion Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I'm a patient, understanding and respectful dude but I have a no bull**** attitude and don't let anyone walk over with me so this one is a little tricky. I've been seeing this girl for a couple months now and things have been going well but after a recent stay over at my house the other night, the girl i'm seeing decided that shes not sure if she's ready for a relationship. We were intimate with each other and I typically like to wait until I am in a relationship with a girl unless its been stated that were "just having fun." We talked last night and she told me that the previous night was a little much for her and that its nothing I did wrong, shes just not sure if shes ready for a relationship. You must also know that this girl has some issues...but like anyone who doesnt? However, shes been proposed to twice and her last boyfriend was extremely clingy and crazy. I am the exact opposite of clingy. My first though is wow this is total bs and i'm about run as far away from her as possible. Anyone who doesnt value me enough to take a chance on me doesn't even deserve my friendship as far as i'm concerned. I'd be happy to continue to see her to see where things go but she must know that I would also be dating other people as well. I just dont even know if I buy into the whole "not ready for a relationship thing" we've been seeing each other 3-5 times a week for 2 months and do things like a couple and act like a couple. This is all so strange to me. Im pretty bummed about this considering the fact that this is the first girl in awhile I've actually been quite fond of and wanted to pursue a relationship with and I meet a ton of women. I just never seem to click with very many. Im in no rush and not wanting to lock anything down just yet but at the same time, I do not like the fact that shes wishy washy and it sends up a red flag for me. In high school I actually dated a girl for about 2 years that had originally said the same thing to me. I stuck it out for a couple months but I told her that we were beyond friends and it was either all or nothing. I left her alone and she came running. I just dont know if this one is worth putting my feelings on the line. I feel like I have too much going for me then to have to worry about one girl but at the same time this girl is important to me and ive grown somewhat attached. I'd be interested in hearing from people who've been in similar situations. Im quite conflicted and told her that I would meet up with her wednesday to talk about things.
djo Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I am a male, but I was seeing a girl for about 2 months as well and last week dropped that same bomb. And it is because I am not in a mental state of mind to be caring for some one else. I have personal issues that NEED to be taken care of as far as my state of mind. I thought I was ready but found out I wasn't. So I would say it's entirely possible she really does want to be with you, but needs some recovery time. What type of problems does she have?
Bleeve Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I could have written the exact same post. So I am curious as to the responses as well. I got the I am not ready for a relationship, have never been single line. But we have been acting as a couple for awhile and she still is making plans like we are. I want more and don't want to miss other oppurtunities but at the same time I am somewhat attached.
Author letinmotion Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I am a male, but I was seeing a girl for about 2 months as well and last week dropped that same bomb. And it is because I am not in a mental state of mind to be caring for some one else. I have personal issues that NEED to be taken care of as far as my state of mind. I thought I was ready but found out I wasn't. So I would say it's entirely possible she really does want to be with you, but needs some recovery time. What type of problems does she have? She was raped when she was 16, she's been in multiple long-term relationships consistently (not an issue really but shes hardly had time to for "herself") and shes been cheated on repeatedly.
djo Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Okay this is good to know. It is very possible she has abandonment issues and a hard time trusting men. I lost my fiance back in march who had the exact same thing happen to her, in addition to physical abuse and an extremely unstable family life. Not only did her passing cause me a lot of problems, but also some of our altercations. You mentioned her past guys were clingy and crazy, but its quite possible she was a main cause of the craziness. Speaking from my experiences with people with the same past. So what I am getting at is she potentially could have some issues that really would make a relationship a struggle, and certainly not the healthiest. Thats why I backed out of mine.
Author letinmotion Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Okay this is good to know. It is very possible she has abandonment issues and a hard time trusting men. I lost my fiance back in march who had the exact same thing happen to her, in addition to physical abuse and an extremely unstable family life. Not only did her passing cause me a lot of problems, but also some of our altercations. You mentioned her past guys were clingy and crazy, but its quite possible she was a main cause of the craziness. Speaking from my experiences with people with the same past. So what I am getting at is she potentially could have some issues that really would make a relationship a struggle, and certainly not the healthiest. Thats why I backed out of mine. Thankfully, I am not ready to marry by any means and I enjoy how we are right now so I would definitely be willing to give the relationship a chance.
Author letinmotion Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Keep the advice coming. Im hoping that some female insight could be shared on this. I just have so much trouble buying into the whole "not ready for a relationship thing."
dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 SHe's being honest with you. She may have thought she was ready, but turned out she wasn't. She's got a lot of issues to deal with, and come to terms with. You make it seem like she hasn't been single much, and maybe she's feeling the need to be single, and figure out what she wants, and to deal with the series of events that has happened to her. I don't think it's fair to call it b.s. - why not be happy that she's letting you know what's going on, instead of 'sticking it out, just in case' - which will only lead to her resenting you and/or the relationship later on. If you truly like her, give her the time she needs. If you can't handle that, then move on.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Lentimotion, you do sound like a respectful dude. And I think it's really good and healthy that you set up a time to talk about it. The best thing to keep in mind is that no matter what you are feeling, no matter of conjoling or rationalizing to her about your own feelings and needs, are going to change hers. Infact, it might push her away. So what I suggest is being honest what you want from a relationship with her. But that you aren't going to sit around and wait around for it. If she can't give you what you need, you need to walk away. It's really hard. I've been there. But when someone can't give you what you need, that's really your only good option. Otherwise your selling yourself short. She could be acting this way because of her trust issues from her past. It's possible. However, she could also be acting that way because she doesn't see you on a more serious level. Or it could be a combination of both. Women are never cut and dry. And there is no way of saying what is behind her feelings. But usually when a woman doens't want to progress things, she doesn't 100% feel it. And I am not saying that can't change, but that's the way of it right now.
Author letinmotion Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Im liking the opinions--keep them coming!
sally4sara Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I need some clarification How many times have you had sex with her and how quickly after having sex did she bring up being hesitant for anything serious? Was it - sex once and then very shortly there after she brought this up? OR Sex a few times and a few days/week after the last time, she brought this up? And, Have either of you brought up the exclusive talk prior to having sex? Was there talk of it at all prior to sex? Also, is she becoming distant since this?
You'reasian Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Women are never cut and dry. And there is no way of saying what is behind her feelings. But usually when a woman doens't want to progress things, she doesn't 100% feel it. And I am not saying that can't change, but that's the way of it right now. I agree with this.
Author letinmotion Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 This might sound extremely odd and it definitely is for me but we have never had intercourse from start to finish. Ive penetrated for maybe 5-10 seconds and she gets scared and puts a stop. She hasnt really been distant at all. In fact when I took her back to her place on Sunday she put her hand on my leg and I held her hand the way there. She's the same girl that when getting intimate freaked out and told me she was raped when she was 16. Shes been cheated on numerous times etc. We've remained very close since then. She brought up the issue about the relationship about 8 or 9 hours after engaging in the intimacy. We had a short conversation and I didnt really know what to say. I wanted to clarify and I wanted her to think. I am quite aware that there is nothing I can say to change her rationalization--I know this. I do however think that I need to make my position known now. While I do enjoy the friendship aspect of our relationship--thats not what I want and wont settle for something I dont even want. Id rather pursue other prospects. Thus, I told her that anyone who doesnt value me enough to take a chance on me isnt even deserving of friendship. This is kind of ambiguous and almost makes it seem like my feelings are hurt but I said so I am not going to think back on it. It also does say how I feel about the situation. I believe her and I both have reached a level beyond normal friendship--no thank you! I do believe our meet up wednesday will be interesting. I dont want to focus on the talk as I dont like being too serious and want there to be no pressure. Anyone have any suggestions for what we should do? Thanks for the advice--please keep it coming. Its been a month since we talked about the possibility of being exclusive I need some clarification How many times have you had sex with her and how quickly after having sex did she bring up being hesitant for anything serious? Was it - sex once and then very shortly there after she brought this up? OR Sex a few times and a few days/week after the last time, she brought this up? And, Have either of you brought up the exclusive talk prior to having sex? Was there talk of it at all prior to sex? Also, is she becoming distant since this?
Jersey Shortie Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I don't know Lentimotion if you really need advice, you sound very mature. But let us know what happens!
Lovely10 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 It sounds as if she is terrified of being hurt. Getting close to a person who has been deeply hurt is like getting close to a wild elk. You have to be very gentle, let her know how you feel and don't hesitate in showing your vulnerability to her. In some ways perhaps being vulnerable to her may open her up to you.
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