SinCosTan Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I've been with my current girlfriend for about 1 1/2 years. When we first started dating, sex happened often. Almost daily, sometimes multiple times per day. So often I could barely handle it sometimes. As time went on, we started doing it less often, and I was fine with that. I don't consider myself that needy when it comes to sex. I don't need it daily. I think about every other day is perfect. But we haven't had sex in three weeks. I'd say it started about 6 months ago. Her sex drive started to decline, but its gotten really bad in the last 3 months, where instead of the 3-4 times per week we used to do, it dropped to 3-4 times per month, and now its been three weeks since we last had sex. The sexual frustration is turning into anger. I left her house tonight, with some leftover dinner in my hand wrapped up, and as I walked to my car, I just wanted to smash the food on the ground in anger. Another weekend with no sex, finishing the third week. I've talked to her about it. I've tried to get answers. Why is your sex drive so low? She doesn't give any direct answers, usually complaining about work, but we both work together. I actually work more hours than her, and have more responsibilities. If anyone is going to play the work card, it should be me, but we work a very easy job. If work is REALLY what's keeping her down, then how is she going to be years from now when she's working a REAL job, or hell, even sooner than that, what about when she's actually taking the college classes she wants to start taking, and works 20 hours/week while taking 15 or so credit-hours of classes? I'm trying to avoid dumping her just because she doesn't want to have sex anymore, because that seems like a really shallow thing to do, but it just seems like a real compatibility issue, added to the many other compatibility issues we already have (She's a smoker, I'm not, she's a social person that likes to hang out with friends, I'm fine with chilling at home, she never wants to go out and do anything, while I'd like to when I have the money for it). Advice?
Scottdmw Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 There is most likely something wrong in your relationship. She is upset about something. It is very unlikely her body would change that much in such a short period of time so that her sex drive per se would reduce so much. I would say you need to figure out a way to talk to her. Maybe she feels that she has already told you the problem many times over a period of time and you haven't listened or understood. Maybe she feels like she shouldn't need to tell you. Women are not always reasonable that way. But I would say that there is something seriously wrong with the relationship in her eyes, and you need to figure out what that is and address it correctly. Scott
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 There is most likely something wrong in your relationship. She is upset about something. It is very unlikely her body would change that much in such a short period of time so that her sex drive per se would reduce so much. I would say you need to figure out a way to talk to her. Maybe she feels that she has already told you the problem many times over a period of time and you haven't listened or understood. Maybe she feels like she shouldn't need to tell you. Women are not always reasonable that way. But I would say that there is something seriously wrong with the relationship in her eyes, and you need to figure out what that is and address it correctly. Scott I could not have worded that better. That sounds exactly right, there is some issue here that needs to be resolved. Also, I don't think your being shallow by wanting to have some sex, it's more or less the intimacy that you crave from her. Talk to her find out what's really going on, stress or maybe some other issue. I don't want to say beat around the bush but you probably don't want to come straight out and talk about the lack of sex right away. That could give her the impression that thats all you care about. Good luck.
Author SinCosTan Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Also, I don't think your being shallow by wanting to have some sex, it's more or less the intimacy that you crave from her. You touched a point that I had meant to put into my post but forgot... ...The intimacy in our relationship is gone. She doesn't like me laying too close to her in bed and tells me I'm smothering her if I want to give a kiss that's more than a peck, or want to hold her. Anything I do, she reacts as if I'm trying to have sex with her while she's not in the mood. I think her real issue is self-consciousness. She's gained some weight in the past year, but despite how much I tell her that I still love her and still think she's beautiful, she still won't let me put an arm around her in bed because all she can think of is my hand being on a fat roll that she imagines being much bigger than it is. Sure, she's gained weight, but its not like she's a bus of a woman now or anything. I actually prefer my woman to be "soft" as I say. Ribs are a turn-off. I like to say "Bones are for dogs, its just sad that most men are dogs." Anyways...I digress... How can I help her get her self-esteem up besides telling her that she's still attractive?
Author SinCosTan Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 I wonder if the way she acts in this relationship has anything to do with the way her parents interact with each other. She still lives with her parents, which are married, but they have no intimacy with each other. They don't even really talk to each other. They don't even sleep in the same bed. He sleeps on a couch on the other side of the house while she sleeps in the bedroom. How likely is it that she sees her parents' relationship as a role model for how people in a serious relationship should interact, and just simply doesn't believe that intimacy is an important part of a relationship? I will still say that if you love her than you should not see her outer beauty , i think there is no love or attraction or intimacy between you it is just infatuation or need for sex between you . No love? Well that's a tough one to prove. Attraction? What person is going to tell their significant other "No I don't think you're attractive." As for intimacy, its not there because she won't allow it. As I said above, I can't even give her anything more than a quick kiss or else she thinks I'm smothering her. Intimacy (And I don't just mean sex) is an important part of a relationship to me. You know what they call a man and a woman that talk but never lay close to each other, never have long passionate kisses in a loving embrace? "Just friends." Infatuation? Infatuation is what you have during the Honeymoon Phase of the relationship, which for us, I'd say ended somewhere around last Feb. And if it was just for the need for sex, I can get that elsewhere, but I'm not going to cheat. I've been a cheater before, and I'm not doing it again. I'm just saying that if the sex was the only reason I was in this relationship, I would have left a long time ago when the sex began to decline in frequency.
Phateless Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 ...The intimacy in our relationship is gone. She doesn't like me laying too close to her in bed and tells me I'm smothering her if I want to give a kiss that's more than a peck, or want to hold her. Anything I do, she reacts as if I'm trying to have sex with her while she's not in the mood. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but she's checked out buddy. She is either done with you and wants to break up, or you guys are just spending WAY too much time together. Probably both. Honestly, she's probably just trying to figure out how to break up with you or hoping you'll get the hint and end it yourself. I'm sorry to be so negative but that is honestly what it sounds like to me. I suggest you get out and go find someone you're more compatible with in general. How often do you see her?
Author SinCosTan Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but she's checked out buddy. She is either done with you and wants to break up, or you guys are just spending WAY too much time together. Probably both. Honestly, she's probably just trying to figure out how to break up with you or hoping you'll get the hint and end it yourself. I'm sorry to be so negative but that is honestly what it sounds like to me. I suggest you get out and go find someone you're more compatible with in general. How often do you see her? We work together, so we see each other almost every day at work, but outside of work, not so much anymore. I'll go to her place for a couple hours once during the week, and again for a few hours each day during the weekends. A couple weeks ago, she lied to me about not having the money to pay me back for something, and I was really upset about it. She was at her sister's place and we were talking through text messages. I told her that I was pissed that she told me she didn't have my money, but later that day had bought a bunch of stuff. I said it wasn't the money that upset me, but the fact that she lied to me about it. She sent me a message saying "If you're not going to get over it maybe we should break up" and I responded "Maybe we should anyways all we do is bicker nowadays" and she replied "We should talk in person. We shouldn't do this over the phone." She ended up staying at her sister's place that night and kind of acted like that exchange didn't happen the next morning. (For the record, she DID pay me back, and its not like I needed the money right then, but I didn't like being lied to) Anyways, point is, if she really wanted to break up like you suggested, she had her chance to do it. She may be feeling the exact same way I'm feeling in that we've both probably checked out and don't really want to be with each other, but neither of us want to suffer the heartache of a breakup, even if its a breakup with someone you don't want to be with.
t0ri Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I acted (subconsciously) like your girlfriend is acting, and it was because of two reasons: 1. I was no longer happy in my relationship. BECAUSE... 2. I could tell/feel that my ex was no longer (as) happy in the relationship, and that he was gradually checking out of it emotionally; and if he wasn't emotionally into me anymore, only physically, then I had no desire to be intimate. I would also mention breaking up every now and then, I'm not sure why. I thought I wanted to break up, but I couldn't find the courage... so he did it. Maybe this is what is going on in your relationship as well.
Phateless Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 We work together, so we see each other almost every day at work, but outside of work, not so much anymore. I'll go to her place for a couple hours once during the week, and again for a few hours each day during the weekends. A couple weeks ago, she lied to me about not having the money to pay me back for something, and I was really upset about it. She was at her sister's place and we were talking through text messages. I told her that I was pissed that she told me she didn't have my money, but later that day had bought a bunch of stuff. I said it wasn't the money that upset me, but the fact that she lied to me about it. She sent me a message saying "If you're not going to get over it maybe we should break up" and I responded "Maybe we should anyways all we do is bicker nowadays" and she replied "We should talk in person. We shouldn't do this over the phone." She ended up staying at her sister's place that night and kind of acted like that exchange didn't happen the next morning. (For the record, she DID pay me back, and its not like I needed the money right then, but I didn't like being lied to) Anyways, point is, if she really wanted to break up like you suggested, she had her chance to do it. She may be feeling the exact same way I'm feeling in that we've both probably checked out and don't really want to be with each other, but neither of us want to suffer the heartache of a breakup, even if its a breakup with someone you don't want to be with. She had her chance and she chickened out at the last second. That doesn't she doesn't want to. End this. What positivity is this relationship bringing to your life now?
passionisall Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I think you should change the way you look at your relationship. Take her out to a place she has never been to, and pay everything for her. After you are done eating take her to a park, and walk around holding hands. Have fun and entertain her. WOMEN LOVE BEING ENTERTAINED!!! You will not get a different reaction from her unless you change the way you do things. It seems to me that she still likes you, but she is bored of the same routine.
Phateless Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 I think you should change the way you look at your relationship. Take her out to a place she has never been to, and pay everything for her. After you are done eating take her to a park, and walk around holding hands. Have fun and entertain her. WOMEN LOVE BEING ENTERTAINED!!! You will not get a different reaction from her unless you change the way you do things. It seems to me that she still likes you, but she is bored of the same routine. What part of her behavior indicates that she still likes him?! She leans away from him, complains when he tries to hold her, won't cuddle, refuses sex... DUDE, do you need a big neon sign? It's over. Go find someone who's interested in you.
justwondering03 Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 I have been married for about six years and our problem started right afterwe go married. For years I went through all of the; is it me, did I do something wrong, am I not sexy enough, is he cheatin on me!! Then finally over time I realized that it was not me; but that still does not fill the void. My husband has had sex with me three times this year. I have tried everything under the sun. I wear very sexy teddied or nothing at all. I have tried wearing a football jersey with a sexy thong. I have watched pornos with him. I tell him that I am going to find it elsewhere (not wanting to). I have tried to get him to go to counseling. I am a very sexual woman; and I so desire to be Made love to; Have sex; F**cked; Whatever! I get flirted with enough that I know that I am still desired; but what I really want; is for him to desire me! He is only 47 and says that he could go without sex for the rest of his life! I loved sex and I am not greedy; I would be OK with once a week. So anyhow; I know you pain and really wish you the best! If you find any answers; Please let me know! justwondering03
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