caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Today, I had a get together at my place. My cousin asked me how things were going with my boyfriend. The last time we talked I told her I was in love and it was serious and he is the one. So when she asked today, I told her he broke up with me, and I told her briefly what happened. The conversation was short but afterward this awful feeling of anger kept brewing and brewing inside me. I almost lost it. I kept quiet at my own party for an hour. I kept having thoughts of finding him, approaching him, and yelling and screaming at him, hitting him, throwing things at him, asking him how he could lead me on like this, asking him why he kept it going with me the way he did, why he pursued me in such a way and led me to think we were going to get married if I was really not what he was looking for the whole time. I really had visions of doing physical damage. I am not a fighter by any means! I've never been in a fight. I never want to be in one! This is kind of scaring me. I calmed down a little bit but I don't know what to think.
BW007 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I understand how you feel but it is a question of what you do. Impulse control is what you need. You have probably never felt this injured from someone else. When you have those really scary angry moments it can scare the crap out of you how intense the feelings can burn but you have to just learn to be patient and live through it, endure without doing anything crazy. These feelings pass.
moo Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I would write these thoughts in a journal. I wished for harm to come to my ex because I was angry. I wrote it out in a journal. It was nothing graphic, just things like "die, die!" I did get nervous and wonder- gosh what if this gets lost and someone finds out? I even went so far as to include a note in my journal in case that happened, that I was just letting out thoughts and was not going to act on them. That may sound paranoid, but you never know. Anyway, it was good to get them out on paper.
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Thanks for being here you guys. Have you felt this way though? This is new for me. I have never felt like ripping somebody's teeth out. I feel absolutely crazy and psycho even typing this. I just want to stand before him and scream at him, and grab his collar and push him into the wall. I have to let this pass. This is awful...
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I understand how you feel but it is a question of what you do. Impulse control is what you need. You have probably never felt this injured from someone else. When you have those really scary angry moments it can scare the crap out of you how intense the feelings can burn but you have to just learn to be patient and live through it, endure without doing anything crazy. These feelings pass. This is really intense and it does scare me. However, like you said I do have to be patient and just let this craziness pass. I am usually so calm and cool. Right now, I am definitely not calm or cool.
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I would write these thoughts in a journal. I wished for harm to come to my ex because I was angry. I wrote it out in a journal. It was nothing graphic, just things like "die, die!" I did get nervous and wonder- gosh what if this gets lost and someone finds out? I even went so far as to include a note in my journal in case that happened, that I was just letting out thoughts and was not going to act on them. That may sound paranoid, but you never know. Anyway, it was good to get them out on paper. I hear you, even writing here in this forum is kind of like writing in a journal, I think.
BW007 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Hey Caramel...Just find an appropriate outlet..punch a pillow... Burn his picture...jog or workout... have some raunchy revenge rebounds(Just kidding on that one) and maybe yell a bit but make sure there is some part of you staying in control so you don't do something really harmful to yourself or someone else. Seriously find an outlet to channel the anger.
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Hey Caramel...Just find an appropriate outlet..punch a pillow... Burn his picture...jog or workout... have some raunchy revenge rebounds(Just kidding on that one) and maybe yell a bit but make sure there is some part of you staying in control so you don't do something really harmful to yourself or someone else. Seriously find an outlet to channel the anger. This is what I need to do. It's too late tonight because I am not leaving the house at this hour and there is nothing I can do here at home to let this anger out. Tomorrow if I wake up still this way then I am going to let this out in a physical way that will give me some relief but will not hurt anyone. I want to punch his lights out. Wow.
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 It's been two and a half months since the break up and I have never felt this way until now.
MeadowGlitter Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Thanks for being here you guys. Have you felt this way though? This is new for me. I have never felt like ripping somebody's teeth out. I feel absolutely crazy and psycho even typing this. I just want to stand before him and scream at him, and grab his collar and push him into the wall. I have to let this pass. This is awful... I have felt this way, caramel c. I never wanted to hurt someone so bad! We talked about getting married too and then, a few months later, he broke it off. That was a couple of years ago. I'm glad that feeling I had to hurt him has gone. I never thought I could be violent (it was thoughts but still, I was scared of what I could have done). It will pass, caramel c. Don't focus on him. Focus on having more reliable men in your life.
BW007 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 What set you off? I have been going through a relapse after 5 months because: 1. I found ot she is pregnant by the other guy already and 2. I just found out she has been living with the other guy a block and a half away from me. This has been a total mind blower. Am I angry? You betcha! But what can I do? Nothing really, except move and move on.
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 What set me off is my cousin asking me about him. She innocently brought up the subject of him thinking we were still together. Then, everything escalated in my mind. Thinking about how wonderful our relationship was and what he led me towards with all of his actions and words, how just a week befor we broke up he took my hand and kissed it and told me I am the one for him and its his honor to take my hand in every way...how he planned this special night for us and everything was beautiful as planned this particular sat night, and how that was the last time I ever saw him because the following mon morning only 2 days later was the breakup call. I still don't have a reason. He panicked . He had doubts, anxiety. That's all. Thats all! That is why we broke up. I could go on...this is where it's coming from. I thought he was going to propose the very weekend he broke up with me. I'm crushed. I'm angry.
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 What set you off? I have been going through a relapse after 5 months because: 1. I found ot she is pregnant by the other guy already and 2. I just found out she has been living with the other guy a block and a half away from me. This has been a total mind blower. Am I angry? You betcha! But what can I do? Nothing really, except move and move on. Dude, I don't know even how you are dealing with this. Whoa. I'm sure I'd be angry. There has got to be a way for us to cope.
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I THOUGHT WE WERE GETTING ENGAGED! He talked about marriage with me and the future and took steps towards this goal with me! Then ITS NOTHING. Then its a phone call saying 'I'M SORRY I CAN'T DO THIS'. um, EXCUSE ME?
Author caramel c Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I have felt this way, caramel c. I never wanted to hurt someone so bad! We talked about getting married too and then, a few months later, he broke it off. That was a couple of years ago. I'm glad that feeling I had to hurt him has gone. I never thought I could be violent (it was thoughts but still, I was scared of what I could have done). It will pass, caramel c. Don't focus on him. Focus on having more reliable men in your life. I am going to try not to focus on him. How did you do it? How did you get through it?
BW007 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Well...that happens, and it is not your fault and it might not even be his fault and it is better for him to back out now than to waste years of both of your lives if he has too many doubts, you know? You don't want to be with someone who is being wishy washy about you. He could have decided to tell you the same thing after a couple kids and a few years of marriage. That would be much worse I think.
MeadowGlitter Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I am going to try not to focus on him. How did you do it? How did you get through it? I took kickboxing classes . That helped but the talks we had about marriage kept coming back. Every time it came back, I'd feel the need to hurt him... that sucked. Few months later, I got over it. I focused on other things and got myself busy. I deleted him off my life. Everything.
moo Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Thanks for being here you guys. Have you felt this way though? This is new for me. I have never felt like ripping somebody's teeth out. I feel absolutely crazy and psycho even typing this. I just want to stand before him and scream at him, and grab his collar and push him into the wall. I have to let this pass. This is awful... Actually, besides my ex, I only felt that way with one other person, many, many, many years ago. Regarding boyfriends, he was the only one I had such anger towards. At times it made me uncomfortable. But when I think about everything he did to me...I say my anger is justified.
seoa Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 ...but afterward this awful feeling of anger kept brewing and brewing inside me. I almost lost it. I kept quiet at my own party for an hour. I kept having thoughts of finding him, approaching him, and yelling and screaming at him, hitting him, throwing things at him, asking him how he could lead me on like this, asking him why he kept it going with me the way he did, why he pursued me in such a way and led me to think we were going to get married if I was really not what he was looking for the whole time. I really had visions of doing physical damage. I am not a fighter by any means! I've never been in a fight. I never want to be in one! This is kind of scaring me. I calmed down a little bit but I don't know what to think. Apart from this, how do you normally deal with anger? Coz it sounds as if you aren't very familiar with feeling it... which will make it harder to deal with. First, admit that it is *appropriate* to feel angry with him. It's what you should be feeling! He has hurt you - and anger is a normal, healthy response to that. If you look at the stages of grief, they are: - Denial (this isn't happening to me!) - Anger (why is this happening to me?) - Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...) - Depression (I don't care anymore) - Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes) Obviously, as others have said, you have to choose *what* to do with that anger, but don't deny that you feel it. Find some healthy productive ways to express your anger. That might involve a trusted friend (who won't be scared by it) and getting angry about him with them... but do let yourself experience your anger, coz denying it will just mean you take longer to get through the grief. (And the 5 stages above don't come one by one - you'll cycle through them all a few times, probably, till you get to acceptance...)
GrayClouds Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 (And the 5 stages above don't come one by one - you'll cycle through them all a few times, probably, till you get to acceptance...) Cycle through them... it feels like I been on a Kawasaki Ninja for about 2 months and the ride still going
Serena2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 caramel c -- What if you write him a letter where you express all your emotions but don't send it. Hang in there. We'll get through this!!
Author caramel c Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Seoa thanks for the info. Thing is, I don't deal with anger very often at all. I rarely ever get angry. I only do once in a great while, and when that happens I'm over it very soon, no matter what it was. It takes a lot to get my blood boiling, I usually just shake it off. If something does get to me and I get very angry I just vent to a friend or two, maybe do a confrontation depending on the situation, but I take care of it right away and move right along. So here's what I did tonight you guys. After feeling this way all day, I came home and talked to a friend about it. She suggested I write it out, and I did in the form of a list. I listed all the things I am angry about, specifically. It didn't help yet because I still feel the same, but I think maybe getting it out onto paper and taking it with me everywhere I go from now on may eventually help. We'll see.
seoa Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Something to try... I have temper tantrums at God, often while in the shower (there's a link - it's a mindless displacement activity to distract me when the feelings threaten to get overwhelming, and I don't feel calm enough to sit on my bed being sad). The tantrums don't have to be particularly high volume, but there is usually foot stamping etc going on... seriously, it's like being 3 again... Then I cry, then I get on with life... until the next tantrum...
silic0ntoad Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Hey Caramel- trust me I know what you mean. I have hideous anger towards my ex. It's frustrating. But it's helping me get over it. By feeding my anger and whatnot it allows me to cope. I suggest you try the same. Be angry. You deserve to be angry. And being angry is better than pain any day.
Author caramel c Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Something to try... I have temper tantrums at God, often while in the shower (there's a link - it's a mindless displacement activity to distract me when the feelings threaten to get overwhelming, and I don't feel calm enough to sit on my bed being sad). The tantrums don't have to be particularly high volume, but there is usually foot stamping etc going on... seriously, it's like being 3 again... Then I cry, then I get on with life... until the next tantrum... Thats a coincidence you said that, I sometimes cry in the shower because it washes right off, there is something comforting about it. I talk to God everyday, I agree that you can direct any of your feelings to him. I do this whether I'm happy and thanking him, or I'm unhappy and asking for help. Lately I've been asking for help.
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