Is this the end of dating as we know it? Flakey women everywhere?

[Mydish1]

So in a nutshell it seems, everyone women I've gone out with over the past year has been flakey. Most of my dates have not gone past 1, and only a few have reached 2/3 dates...which of course results with the same ending.

 

And what frustrates me is that even though they know there won't be any more dates, they'd happily let me pay for their drinks/food. And if I don't pull out my wallet to cover them, the guilt trip comes along and I feel like an a-hole because they have an expectation that I'll cover them. I recall once I split the tab with this girl and she paid for her own food and I got the vibe that it offended...well boohoo. I think from now on every person I go out with I'm going to have to split the tab with, no exceptions.

 

This afternoon I was at a bbq where this girl was flirting with me and gave me her business card and we swapped numbers. I had asked her if she gave her business card to anyone else, she said I was the only person she gave it to. I sent her a text tonight and no response, absolutely flaky.

 

To be honest these women don't even need to be with someone or a SO. Half of the ones I've gone out with have as much guy friends as female friends even.

 

I can't even be proper anymore and ask if a woman would like to go on a date, it has to be coffee/drink/(insert activity).

Are we all doomed to this dating culture that is going to become inevitably widespread? A bunch of casual daters? Does anyone feel my pain?

[CaliGuy]

Hmmm well the only common factor between your dates is you. Have you perhaps looked within to see what areas of yourself you can improve?!

 

Maybe you need a dating coach?

[Hkizzle]

You're meant to use strategies in early dating that increases your chances, not to decrease them. If you get upset from previous dates and don't offer to pay for future ones, why even bother going on a date in the first place?

 

Generally if someone has bad experiences in dating, they are not having bad luck, or something is wrong with the opposite sex. There's something they can do better which they haven't figured out yet.

[Mydish1]

Hmmm well the only common factor between your dates is you. Have you perhaps looked within to see what areas of yourself you can improve?!

 

Maybe you need a dating coach?

 

I don't know what a dating coach is, but maybe I am the x factor. I admit I am kind of a slim/skinny guy. But I have broad shoulders and I'm all muscle...though it's all because I have a high metabolism just like my dad. Though I always dress well as I get complimented on that, and I do exude confidence wherever I am.

[You'reasian]

So in a nutshell it seems, everyone women I've gone out with over the past year has been flakey. Most of my dates have not gone past 1, and only a few have reached 2/3 dates...which of course results with the same ending.

 

And what frustrates me is that even though they know there won't be any more dates, they'd happily let me pay for their drinks/food. And if I don't pull out my wallet to cover them, the guilt trip comes along and I feel like an a-hole because they have an expectation that I'll cover them. I recall once I split the tab with this girl and she paid for her own food and I got the vibe that it offended...well boohoo. I think from now on every person I go out with I'm going to have to split the tab with, no exceptions.

 

This afternoon I was at a bbq where this girl was flirting with me and gave me her business card and we swapped numbers. I had asked her if she gave her business card to anyone else, she said I was the only person she gave it to. I sent her a text tonight and no response, absolutely flaky.

 

To be honest these women don't even need to be with someone or a SO. Half of the ones I've gone out with have as much guy friends as female friends even.

 

I can't even be proper anymore and ask if a woman would like to go on a date, it has to be coffee/drink/(insert activity).

Are we all doomed to this dating culture that is going to become inevitably widespread? A bunch of casual daters? Does anyone feel my pain?

 

Have you considered your location? Venue?

 

I've got some buddies that hook up very easily overseas and in medium to large size cities, but go through dryspells in small towns - or the reverse - buddies who find keepers in the small towns but can't connect in larger areas.

 

You might find yourself sharing alot in common with a smokin hot German girl in Germany, but barely entertaining the interests of a girl who frequents the same local bar as you in your home town. Attraction is a strange thing...

 

Venues matter too. If you go to the same bar, the same night to meet people - you aren't going far enough. Go to other places, activities and work from there.

[jeepchick]

Being well-groomed is a plus, but when it was suggested that you were the x factor, I don't think they were talking about your appearance?

[Mydish1]

You're meant to use strategies in early dating that increases your chances, not to decrease them. If you get upset from previous dates and don't offer to pay for future ones, why even bother going on a date in the first place?

 

True. But it's frustrating to see women flake out after you pay for them.

 

Generally if someone has bad experiences in dating, they are not having bad luck, or something is wrong with the opposite sex. There's something they can do better which they haven't figured out yet.

 

Maybe there is something I can do better, maybe not. A lot of the dates I go on, me and the girl will usually get along or we'll talk about a lot of things and often they'll laugh at what I have to say. But maybe I'm just not cocky enough or bust their balls enough at times..which is what I figure is the reason. But I don't know.

 

Some of these women I've met is from online too which are probably a bunch of bad apples. As I notice even after a year their profiles are still active. So it could also be contributed to them having commitment issues.

[Mydish1]

Have you considered your location? Venue?

 

I've got some buddies that hook up very easily overseas and in medium to large size cities, but go through dryspells in small towns - or the reverse - buddies who find keepers in the small towns but can't connect in larger areas.

 

I live in NYC. I don't know, maybe this place is cursed. But I do have friends who got lucky and met someone and hit it off with them over the last 2 years.

 

You might find yourself sharing alot in common with a smokin hot German girl in Germany, but barely entertaining the interests of a girl who frequents the same local bar as you in your home town. Attraction is a strange thing...

 

Venues matter too. If you go to the same bar, the same night to meet people - you aren't going far enough. Go to other places, activities and work from there.

 

I agree, I've traveled and find foreign women can be more receptive and less flakey. But I'm in America, here to stay for the time being unfortunately.

 

As for the bar scene, I'm kind of sick of it already. And have outgrown it. It's not a good place to meet anyone that's LTR potential IME.

[CaliGuy]

I don't know what a dating coach is, but maybe I am the x factor. I admit I am kind of a slim/skinny guy. But I have broad shoulders and I'm all muscle...though it's all because I have a high metabolism just like my dad. Though I always dress well as I get complimented on that, and I do exude confidence wherever I am.

 

Meh -- too much focus on the outside and not enough focus on the inside, WHO you really are, not WHAT.

[Mydish1]

Meh -- too much focus on the outside and not enough focus on the inside, WHO you really are, not WHAT.

 

Ok, the inside. I'm very well traveled, adventurous, well-rounded and at times I can be a magnet attracting people to me, people often comment on me being an interesting person. I wonder if what I'm missing is the sex appeal? Or passion?

 

My friend thinks that I'm lacking passion in my life. I digress. I have many interests and hobbies. However I also have friends who lack passion/ambition and they are in a relationship. So I'm not sure.

[xpaperxcutx]

Flakiness is a common feature in online dating. If you meet most of these women online then yes, 3/4 of them will flake out on you after a date or two, while the remaining 1/4 may hold out a bit longer before telling you you guys are incompatible.

 

If you're trying to date a woman in NYC, you're better meeting someone in person. Women in the city are more demanding, because they seek a man with a well groomed background, high paying job, and most of all a large bank account. Your status is important, and if I guessed correctly, the first thing they have always asked you is what kind of occupation you have. Then their minds start working out the numbers x the dinners and dates you can afford.

 

That's the reality, and I'm sorry it makes you so bitter. But I honestly do believe you a dating coach would help especially if your previous streaks have gotten you nowhere. At least seeking a little advice from an expert will double your chances of avoiding these flaky women.

[xpaperxcutx]

Ok, the inside. I'm very well traveled, adventurous, well-rounded and at times I can be a magnet attracting people to me, people often comment on me being an interesting person. I wonder if what I'm missing is the sex appeal? Or passion?

 

My friend thinks that I'm lacking passion in my life. I digress. I have many interests and hobbies. However I also have friends who lack passion/ambition and they are in a relationship. So I'm not sure.

 

 

So you're appealing in general. But when you sit down to have a conversation what do you normally tell your dates? Does the conversation flow from both sides and do most your dates interests ever peak at any point of the topics discussed?

[Mydish1]

Flakiness is a common feature in online dating. If you meet most of these women online then yes, 3/4 of them will flake out on you after a date or two, while the remaining 1/4 may hold out a bit longer before telling you you guys are incompatible.

 

Touche I've come to that conclusion unfortunately. With so many choices for these women online why would they need to commit?

 

If you're trying to date a woman in NYC, you're better meeting someone in person. Women in the city are more demanding, because they seek a man with a well groomed background, high paying job, and most of all a large bank account. Your status is important, and if I guessed correctly, the first thing they have always asked you is what kind of occupation you have. Then their minds start working out the numbers x the dinners and dates you can afford.

That is a stereotype. As for how valid it is, I don't really know I've never heard of that one. But I disagree, I see couples from all walks of life from every neighborhood.

 

That's the reality, and I'm sorry it makes you so bitter. But I honestly do believe you a dating coach would help especially if your previous streaks have gotten you nowhere. At least seeking a little advice from an expert will double your chances of avoiding these flaky women.

 

Maybe I am a little bitter, but I'm also equally frustrated that all this dating has gotten me nowhere ..at the end of the day I'm back to square one.

 

So you're appealing in general. But when you sit down to have a conversation what do you normally tell your dates? Does the conversation flow from both sides and do most your dates interests ever peak at any point of the topics discussed?

 

Usually the conversation flows from both sides. There rarely are times with awkward silences. We talk about our hobbies, interests, food interests, travel, movies, family, etc.

 

Actually I just came back from a date a couple of hours ago and we talked about all that and the time just flew by. Before we parted we got into an intense conversation about our families and what they do. I asked her if she would be interested in going for dinner the following night, but she told me she'll be busy with classes (she's a teacher) and said maybe next week. I understand if someone's busy but for an entire week? That's almost absurd.

[xpaperxcutx]

Touche I've come to that conclusion unfortunately. With so many choices for these women online why would they need to commit?

Same reason why men normally don't commit, but I'm going to go into a gender war here.

 

That is a stereotype. As for how valid it is, I don't really know I've never heard of that one. But I disagree, I see couples from all walks of life from every neighborhood.

I was being sarcastic, but you have to understand if you're dating a woman of a higher status they will expect you to at least have achieve similar goals and at least an occupation that match theirs in terms of incomes and

position.

Maybe I am a little bitter, but I'm also equally frustrated that all this dating has gotten me nowhere ..at the end of the day I'm back to square one.

Acknowledged.

 

 

Usually the conversation flows from both sides. There rarely are times with awkward silences. We talk about our hobbies, interests, food interests, travel, movies, family, etc.

 

Actually I just came back from a date a couple of hours ago and we talked about all that and the time just flew by. Before we parted we got into an intense conversation about our families and what they do. I asked her if she would be interested in going for dinner the following night, but she told me she'll be busy with classes (she's a teacher) and said maybe next week. I understand if someone's busy but for an entire week? That's almost absurd.

 

 

You dived into the second date a little too fast. You obviously showed too much interest which in turn from a female perspective, while flattering is still a turn off. You should have went along with a " I'll see ya" or a " I'll give you call", anything to create an air of ambiguity. Female are like men in this aspect, that they need time to think over whether they want to go on a second date with you or not. Had you left her a ambiguous ending to the date, you would have in effect created a ripple effect to whether you will actually call her or not.

[Mydish1]

 

I was being sarcastic, but you have to understand if you're dating a woman of a higher status they will expect you to at least have achieve similar goals and at least an occupation that match theirs in terms of incomes and

position.

 

Surprisingly the women I've been going out with have either been teachers, work non-for-profit, or are going for their masters. I'm pretty certain they don't match anywhere near as close as me in terms of income.

 

You dived into the second date a little too fast. You obviously showed too much interest which in turn from a female perspective, while flattering is still a turn off. You should have went along with a " I'll see ya" or a " I'll give you call", anything to create an air of ambiguity. Female are like men in this aspect, that they need time to think over whether they want to go on a second date with you or not. Had you left her a ambiguous ending to the date, you would have in effect created a ripple effect to whether you will actually call her or not.

 

I think that's debatable. I find it varies from person to person depending on their interest level. Before/by the end of a first date I've made plans with a girl and have had success on securing a 2nd. And other times I've been ambiguous with "I'll call you" and also securing a 2nd date. The ambiguous effect works best if the girl has 90% interest level in a guy.

 

As much as I do agree on a woman needing time to 'feel out' a guy. IME, most women that need time to feel out a guy usually turn out to be not that into him, or will wind up being flakey.

[SoulSearch_CO]

There's no way that "flaky" is limited to the female gender. There are flaky PEOPLE everywhere. So of course it'll leak into your dating life. Me, personally - I hate flakiness. I think it's incredibly rude.

[boogieboy]

This afternoon I was at a bbq where this girl was flirting with me and gave me her business card and we swapped numbers. I had asked her if she gave her business card to anyone else, she said I was the only person she gave it to. I sent her a text tonight and no response, absolutely flaky.

 

 

Dish, like Caliguy said, no 2nd or 3rd dates the X factor is you. Youre dating too many women for ALL of them to be flakey. What kills me is you think that THEY are the problem. You screwed up with the woman with the card, because you came off as needy right away. As soon as she gave you her card youre asking her if she gave her card to others? Do you even comprehend how clingy that is and you didnt even know her...thats why she flaked on you.

 

I have a feeling that on these dates, you might not realize that you come off as possessive, maybe a lil needy, and prolly some self deprecating humor which immediately turns women off, and she decides that was the last date. So its not the women, its you. They agreed to go out on the dates with you, so they were interested, you just ruined it for yourself. You will have to assess the point where you physically see when you turned them off, and what you said. Soon as you figure this out, you will get the GF for sure.

[thegreatmoose]

I asked her if she would be interested in going for dinner the following night, but she told me she'll be busy with classes (she's a teacher) and said maybe next week. I understand if someone's busy but for an entire week? That's almost absurd.

That's too quick and will scare most women away. Tell her you had a great time at the end of the date. Then give her a call 2-3 days later to set up the 2nd date. Also, the next date doesn't have to be the day after the call. It may well be the case that the first and second dates are close to a week apart.

 

You can do everything right and it still may take a number of first dates before you go further with someone. If she feels there's not enough chemistry, you will have to find someone else. Yes, it's a frustrating feeling.

[EsmerKiss7]

I think people can sense when you want a deeper commitment, and if they aren't in that boat at the moment that may make them kind of wary. Most people want to take things slow and see where it goes you know? Are you possibly pushing it a little?

 

Btw, i don't agree with you always paying, not on the first date atleast.. lol. Thats just my opinion tho. I've dated a lot of guys who want to buy me things or pay for everything and it makes me slightly uncomfortable, sometimes to the point where I cut it off with them. If it were my bf that would be different, but a dater, no thanks.

[DollWelch]

I see you're frustrated, and fretting the living rats out of dating. But, that's okay. Dating isn't a walk through the park.

 

You're just impatient, worrisome, and overly-analytical. That's all -and that's not always a bad thing. You should try to relax, and think logically about your dating methods.

 

When you're out with a woman (or women), pause and look at your date, and what's around you. Be yourself; you don't have to try too hard to impress her, people will notice, she'll notice it. A woman will like you for who you are.

 

If a woman isn't impressed, because you don't have the "umph", or "attraction", or a "burning desire to make you hers", then that's too bad for her. Her loss.

 

I think you should be more patient, go out, and meet women. You sound like you're a young guy, and you still have time to find that special woman. Especially living in NYC, that's something grand right there, as opposed to a smaller town with a mere 3 000 people.

 

You've got many advantages. Be optimistic, and don't let some of those dates/women get to you.

[dreamergrl]

You do realize that all the women you date can't possibly be the core problem. Also, do you realize that this pent up frustration will show in your face, voice, body language, right?

[thegreatmoose]

Btw, i don't agree with you always paying, not on the first date atleast.. lol. Thats just my opinion tho. I've dated a lot of guys who want to buy me things or pay for everything and it makes me slightly uncomfortable, sometimes to the point where I cut it off with them. If it were my bf that would be different, but a dater, no thanks.

Most women prefer the guy pays on the first date. If she tells me that she would prefer to split, I would do so. If she does not, I will pay.

 

This is one reason that a first date should not be too expensive. What to do with a $100 check is a bigger deal than what to do with a $20 check.

[Mydish1]

Dish, like Caliguy said, no 2nd or 3rd dates the X factor is you. Youre dating too many women for ALL of them to be flakey. What kills me is you think that THEY are the problem. You screwed up with the woman with the card, because you came off as needy right away. As soon as she gave you her card youre asking her if she gave her card to others? Do you even comprehend how clingy that is and you didnt even know her...thats why she flaked on you.

I don't know maybe I did screw up maybe I didn't. I asked her about the card casually, I didn't really care much about her response. Throughout the BBQ I was chatting up other people and women there also. We even made EC and smiled to each other when we were talking to other people. At night I just sent a friendly text with "how was the bbq after I left?"

Honestly I don't really care that she flaked out, she's going to be leaving the country soon for 6 months anyway. I thought it would be worth a shot or at least a good experiment.

 

I have a feeling that on these dates, you might not realize that you come off as possessive, maybe a lil needy, and prolly some self deprecating humor which immediately turns women off, and she decides that was the last date. So its not the women, its you. They agreed to go out on the dates with you, so they were interested, you just ruined it for yourself. You will have to assess the point where you physically see when you turned them off, and what you said. Soon as you figure this out, you will get the GF for sure.

 

I don't come off needy and if I say let's do this/that, she'll usually follow along. Honestly it seems to me that online women are just horrible prospects in general.

 

That's too quick and will scare most women away. Tell her you had a great time at the end of the date. Then give her a call 2-3 days later to set up the 2nd date. Also, the next date doesn't have to be the day after the call. It may well be the case that the first and second dates are close to a week apart.

 

You can do everything right and it still may take a number of first dates before you go further with someone. If she feels there's not enough chemistry, you will have to find someone else. Yes, it's a frustrating feeling.

 

I've done the 2-3 days or even the next day thing with women, and have had them flake on me too. With these first dates I'm experimenting still a bit to gauge what's working and what's not. But what I find to be true is how soon or later you contact a woman has little effect if she already has a high interest level in you.

 

I wonder if the issue is that these women are more looking to meet and go out with guys, and say that they've been on dates than are actually taking this seriously. Lol, the girl had her backpack with her and wore everyday clothes when I had met up with her...It felt less a date than it was hanging out as we went to check out a new park that had opened in the city and had a drink.

 

I even recall another one where she magically had time to meet me up for coffee on X day and claiming how she was free that day and busy the rest of the week..this was even before I had confirmed coffee. And it was a Monday too! LOL

[Mydish1]

I think people can sense when you want a deeper commitment, and if they aren't in that boat at the moment that may make them kind of wary. Most people want to take things slow and see where it goes you know? Are you possibly pushing it a little?

While I am looking for a commitment with the right person, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I feel like I'm taking things at a natural pace. But you could be right, maybe I'm just a little outdated/old-fashioned. It seems to me women want to hangout and be friends first before jumping the wagon with anyone. It seems that's the way it's going with people here in the city and even of new couples I know of.

 

Btw, i don't agree with you always paying, not on the first date atleast.. lol. Thats just my opinion tho. I've dated a lot of guys who want to buy me things or pay for everything and it makes me slightly uncomfortable, sometimes to the point where I cut it off with them. If it were my bf that would be different, but a dater, no thanks.

 

True, I do agree. But I don't want to look like a stingy a-hole when the tab comes and she doesn't even try to pull out her wallet..or go for the fake reach even.

 

You do realize that all the women you date can't possibly be the core problem. Also, do you realize that this pent up frustration will show in your face, voice, body language, right?

 

Nope I have no pent up frustration. Every time I go on a new date I'm on a clean slate.

[boogieboy]

While I am looking for a commitment with the right person, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I feel like I'm taking things at a natural pace.

 

What your perception of a natural pace seems to not be the same as what these womens idea is of a natural pace. Then you must be pushing it. What you need to do is work at their pace for a change and watch how comfortable they get with you. Let them lead as far as escalating the relationship, dont push them. No one likes to be pushed. Just relax!