littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 So the guy that I thought I was building something with has gotten all weird on me. Not exactly sure why either. He's pulled back. I gave him his distance. Still nothing. I tried to reach out to him yesterday. He didn't respond but he accepted a file I sent him in my "reaching out to him". He didn't respond personally though. But I saw that he visited a photo of mine for an extended amount of time... I just updated my pic. It'll be exactly 1 yr in oct, that I've known him. And from what I gather, it seems that when he really needed me, I was there for him, as I am with anyone in my life/I care about, not just dudes I happen to like. Seriously. And I was not trying to 'fix' him. And he was there for me too. But what I'm thinking is I guess I had fulfilled something within him, and now he's done getting to know me on 'that' level. I think I've been relegated to "friend" status. I truly care for him, even still, as he's the first dude I really had a great connection with in a very long time. And I know the good person that lies beneath the tough exterior. And clearly for a while, it was very much likewise. But, I guess it's 'whatever'. So I was wondering, what would you do? Would re-activating my online (dating) profile at this time, just be a knee-jerk reaction? And a bad move? Or is it a good time to get moving? The more I marinade in this situation, the more it sucks... What should I do?
looking4 green grass Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Have you come out and ask him about where the two of you are going? Communication is so important, and you will definitely get an answer to your question about what to do.
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Nope, I have not asked where it's headed. As soon as I saw the pull back, i got scared.
looking4 green grass Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 If talking face to face is too scary, try a phone call. Unfortunately "Mind Reading" is not an available course at this time. lol I've long given up trying to decode men's behavior, they all baffle me.
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Phone call? No, it seems pretty obvious where things are........what I don't understand is, why he's not 'speaking' to me but still accepting my messages? I get that for whatever reason this guy is no longer interested for whatever reason but - Guys? any feedback?
2sunny Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Nope, I have not asked where it's headed. As soon as I saw the pull back, i got scared. can you describe what "pull back" looks like? what is it that happened exactly? this is a vague term and looks different in many cases... so clarification is helpful. thanks.
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Alright so the both of you aren't together. You don't know what's going on because he isn't responding to anything that you've been putting out there. I think you should start thinking of yourself. Renew your membership if that's what interests you. If, for some reason, he comes to you with questions about that... you can simply tell him that his actions implied that he was no longer interested in pursuing anything with you and if you are wrong about that, then he should explain why he's acting the way he is. Personally, I do not respond well with being ignored. I feel that if someone begins to ignore or avoid me (which my fiance did right before and after we broke up), that they have no interest in keeping in touch, or anything to do with me. I begin thinking for myself.
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 can you describe what "pull back" looks like? what is it that happened exactly? this is a vague term and looks different in many cases... so clarification is helpful. thanks. Yeah sure, he's plain just not initiating emails to me anymore. The first point of contact between the two of us in the past 3 wks has been by me & that was yesterday. I just feel that he's avoiding direct contact with me. I have no idea why.
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Alright so the both of you aren't together. You don't know what's going on because he isn't responding to anything that you've been putting out there. Yeah, he saw once, how many other guys were responding to me. One and one time only. Personally, I do not respond well with being ignored. I don't either, hence my situation. This guy is driving me crazy! I've had two dreams about him, two nights in a row. Arrrrrgh, Now, you tell me when you've had a dream about the same person, two nights in a row! That's pretty impossible with the subconsious mind! I can't stay like this forever. I'm hurting like crazy. IS moving on so soon a terrible idea?
2sunny Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 well don't initiate contact at this time. see if he ever makes an effort... that will tell you something.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Completely separating your brain from the episode with this guy - do you feel READY to meet and date new guys? If so - activate the account. If you're activating it to get a rise out of this guy, don't do it. Only you know the true motivations to your actions. And I say quit trying to decode his behavior. Somebody on this board once said that the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse - and I agree. It's incredibly childish.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 IS moving on so soon a terrible idea? NO. As long as you are CLEAR that you can offer the new person 100% of yourself. If you're choosing to move on to get over this other guy, then that's not fair to the new guy - whomever it may be.
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Completely separating your brain from the episode with this guy - do you feel READY to meet and date new guys? I'd love to, but it's hard to say. I mean, he's the first person that I've had such an incredible connection with- in a-very-long-time-. Not to say he's the only person in the world but, I feel it's been incredibly to find someone with similar interests. We bonded on his profession, which is my (die-hard) hobby. I haven't even come close to running into anyone of the same caliber. I definitely know I deserve more but I think that's what I keep tripping up on...
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Then I think it's time to be alone for a bit, TBH. Just get back into knowing yourself and not needing any sort of validation from an outside source. I totally get what you're saying about other guys not matching up, Rose. BELIEVE me, I know what you mean. That would be the most recent guy I dated. But it has totally turned me off of dating altogether. I'm just not interested because it all looks like ground meat compared to filet mignon. (Sorry, men. LOL)
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Thanks SoulSearch, but then the question is, how do I know, unless I get back out there? I'm not a multi-dater, so I go one-at-a-time. Since this dude doesn't realize what he had, which he will soon, which they all seem to do and comes back, at which point, I won't ever take him back, do I get back on the scene?
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 can you describe what "pull back" looks like? yeah, he no longer initiates any contact with me...
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 This guy is driving me crazy! I've had two dreams about him, two nights in a row. Arrrrrgh, Now, you tell me when you've had a dream about the same person, two nights in a row! That's pretty impossible with the subconsious mind! Oh honey, I had dreams about my fiance every single night for a month straight!! I'm not lying, i'm fortunate (or unfortunate, depends on how you look at it) enough to remember all of my dreams. It drove me insane!! I couldn't get away from him while I was awake, or asleep!! Most of the time, my dreams would make me feel worse than what I was feeling alone! I know the feeling, trust me! Thanks SoulSearch, but then the question is, how do I know, unless I get back out there? I'm not a multi-dater, so I go one-at-a-time. Since this dude doesn't realize what he had, which he will soon, which they all seem to do and comes back, at which point, I won't ever take him back, do I get back on the scene? Yes, you are right in the fact that he will realize what he lost. But I wouldn't negate the possibility of ever trying anything with him again. I would let that decision take place when it happens. It's a coward thing to do when you ignore and avoid someone (outside of it being abusive), and in my case my fiance recognized that and apologized for it, promising to never let it happen again. I do believe in giving second chances, but for right now, that's not something I feel you should be concerned with. I think for now, you should go on about your life, with the thought in mind that this man doesn't care for you enough to recognize you or your needs.
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Oh honey, I had dreams about my fiance every single night for a month straight!! I'm not lying, i'm fortunate (or unfortunate, depends on how you look at it) enough to remember all of my dreams. It drove me insane!! I couldn't get away from him while I was awake, or asleep!! Most of the time, my dreams would make me feel worse than what I was feeling alone! I know the feeling, trust me! Yes, you are right in the fact that he will realize what he lost. But I wouldn't negate the possibility of ever trying anything with him again. I would let that decision take place when it happens. It's a coward thing to do when you ignore and avoid someone (outside of it being abusive), and in my case my fiance recognized that and apologized for it, promising to never let it happen again. I do believe in giving second chances, but for right now, that's not something I feel you should be concerned with. I think for now, you should go on about your life, with the thought in mind that this man doesn't care for you enough to recognize you or your needs. Really? I've always previously dismissed a dude -2 others in the past- when they did this. My needs weren't being met at the time. And yes they did end up coming back. Well now I'm confused as #^@*! Was that wrong of me?
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Really? I've always previously dismissed a dude -2 others in the past- when they did this. My needs weren't being met at the time. And yes they did end up coming back. Well now I'm confused as #^@*! Was that wrong of me? Ahhhh.. no no no, don't doubt yourself now!! That was just my opinion. I believe that everyone makes mistakes, especially when they become confused or overwhelmed with something. In my case, my fiance became extremely overwhelmed with our relationship and began ignoring and avoiding me. It wasn't right what he did. I was very angry about it, and I was forced to move on. Although, I didn't fully move on of course. He came back, just as they always do, apologizing and telling me that he was a coward for going about things the way he did. I believe in second chances most definitely. He recognized the problem, we talked about how to react if it were to happen again, and we moved on. We grew from that. I said not to discard thoughts of never getting back together with him only because you really care about this guy. For now, I think you should focus on yourself. But... if and when he does come back, IMO, you two should talk about things. See if you can understand where he is coming from, and if he accepts responsibility for his actions. I wouldn't worry about that until it happens though.
Author littlewhiterose Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 So he emailed me back today, thanking me for the file and that he's gonna check it out soon... Not justifying his actions or anything but it's a really large file that would require a good block of time to go thru. Annnnd I had yet another dream about him last night. I'm still on the fence about whether or not I should take this into consideration and try to get myself back 'out there'. My mind is swirling.
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Have you tried talking to him about it? Ask him why he has been ignoring you? It's great that he finally wrote you back... but you should figure out why he was acting the way he was before making any decisions about anything.
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