sandcast123 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I have written here before about a relationship I am in. I'm dating a man who I met 8 months ago - we are both in our 50's. Not sure but I think he may be a player and have commitment issues - he has never been married. I have been divorced for a long time and have two kids in their 20's. I asked him what we were doing for Labor day weekend on Wednesday - he hemmed and hawed and wasn't sure - finally said he had plans to see his neighbor for dinner on Sunday night but could visit Saturday for dinner and spend the night. He lives an hour away. We had a nice evening and day today but I am concerned. He has been looking at match.com almost every day in the past several weeks. He has no visible profile (I checked) and when I search for him, it says his profile is hidden. So, what is he doing? Is it possible to meet someone even if your profile is hidden? Could he have a date tonight? He told me he would never cheat on me because he had a woman cheat on him and was devastated. So, I am trying to believe him but not sure. He hasn't introduced me to family or friends yet - hasn't said I love you - we see each other usually once a week, sleeping over at one house or the other. He met my kids and some friends. Not sure what to believe. I know that telling him I looked at his match.com activity will drive him further away. He has told me we were exclusive but that was about 3 months ago - I wonder where things are at - if anything has changed. Advice?
2sunny Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 a few points of concern: the hidden profile... after dating him 8 months? he's actively looking foe someone other than you seeing him once a week? he's spending time and energy on "others" not meeting his friends or family = you aren't his only - primary date sleeping over when seeing you once a week = he wants sex but not the obligation of daily interaction if this is all ok with you - then continue seeing him. if it's not - then don't.
Author sandcast123 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 He is giving mixed messages. Says he wants to see me and even made plans for the following week to spend a whole day together on a weekday. But, he screens his calls - doesn't always answer right away when I call. I don't know what to think - when I have confronted him before, he turns it around that I am over anxious and he doesn't like it - I should know he is not seeing anyone else and I should stop being anxious when he doesn't call. I can't figure out why I can't just stop seeing him. I am not a stupid person. Just can't figure this out.
Hkizzle Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Didn't you start another thread about this guy a few days ago? A lot of people start these threads not because they can't see the truth, because to everyone else it's obvious. They start these threads because they are emotionally attached and want validation, they don't want to accept the one they care about is in fact a jerk. From your previous thread trust me, he's a player, he's got all the signs. You not being able to see him has nothing to do with being stupid. If you were stupid you would be oblivious to what he's doing, you clearly can see something is wrong. What you have is emotional attachment to a jerk. Just remember this, holding on to a jerk is like holding on to a hot cup of tea. The longer you hold on to it, the hotter it gets, and the more burnt you will get. In the end you will still have to let go, but the longer it is, the more damage there is.
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I'm sorry. It does sound like you're being played. When you get anxious he turns it around on you instead of trying to assure you. After 8 months you shouldn't be anxious about the relationship you're in. I understand how hard it can be to break away from someone like this. It sounds like he's really manipulated you and your feelings. Try really hard to break away. You deserve soooo much better. :bunny:
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Just remember this, holding on to a jerk is like holding on to a hot cup of tea. The longer you hold on to it, the hotter it gets, and the more burnt you will get. In the end you will still have to let go, but the longer it is, the more damage there is. This is the god's honest truth. I was trying to figure out how to say just this!
Author sandcast123 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Yes, I did post earlier - as I mentioned. I just wanted feedback specific to this weekend's events. I have been delaying having the hard conversation as he is being laid off in a week and a half from his job with an auto company - I didn't want to add this to what he is already going through (not even sure if he would care I guess). My plan is to talk about it by the end of the month and until then - I am less available, more busy with my own stuff, going back to therapy to help me figure this out...
Hkizzle Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 You've had therapy over this guy already? What did the therapist say?
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Yes, I did post earlier - as I mentioned. I just wanted feedback specific to this weekend's events. I have been delaying having the hard conversation as he is being laid off in a week and a half from his job with an auto company - I didn't want to add this to what he is already going through (not even sure if he would care I guess). My plan is to talk about it by the end of the month and until then - I am less available, more busy with my own stuff, going back to therapy to help me figure this out... Good for you. Turn the focus off him and onto why and how you got to where you are with him. That's what I did after a recent relationship fiasco and even though it hurt a great deal at first it ended up empowering me much more. Remember, this is not about him, it's about YOU. What do you deserve? How do you love and respect yourself enough so that you don't settle for anything less than what you deserve?
Author sandcast123 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I just went back to a therapist I had seen when I was divorcing my ex. He said he couldn't understand why this man wouldn't just want to spend more time with me - not limit his time - and we talked about how he overreacted when my son called me when he had a flat tire for advice. My therapist said he would have tried to help my son, not react by saying why did he call for help? He has been helpful - am seeing him on Wednesday to talk more.
Hkizzle Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I just went back to a therapist I had seen when I was divorcing my ex. He said he couldn't understand why this man wouldn't just want to spend more time with me - not limit his time - and we talked about how he overreacted when my son called me when he had a flat tire for advice. My therapist said he would have tried to help my son, not react by saying why did he call for help? He has been helpful - am seeing him on Wednesday to talk more. I think you should bring up the player theory. Don't say we said it, just say a friend suggested he was a player and can't commit, and see what he says. I find that therapists tend to assume more relationships are fixable than they really are. But I guess they need to try since they get paid for it.
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I just went back to a therapist I had seen when I was divorcing my ex. He said he couldn't understand why this man wouldn't just want to spend more time with me - not limit his time - and we talked about how he overreacted when my son called me when he had a flat tire for advice. My therapist said he would have tried to help my son, not react by saying why did he call for help? He has been helpful - am seeing him on Wednesday to talk more. I knew someone who was married to a man (second marriage, they both had grown kids) who felt that my friend's kids were grown and should just deal with their lives without their mom. My friend suffered through this for a while but then finally ditched him. She was very family-oriented. Yes, of course he should have offered to help!!!!!!!
Author sandcast123 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Thanks for the idea of bringing up the player concept to my therapist. I will do that. I'm so tired of waiting for things to get more serious when I see things are just stuck in one place. He says "it is too soon to know for sure if we are serious" - but he does say we are exclusive. So confusing. And I would think helping my son would occur to him too. He has no kids so I gave him a bye thinking he just didn't understand. But I think hopefully anyone would understand.
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 And I would think helping my son would occur to him too. He has no kids so I gave him a bye thinking he just didn't understand. But I think hopefully anyone would understand. Sandcast, if it's important to you (and anyone can understand that your son would be important) it should be important to the man you allow in your life.
2sunny Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 his actions are already telling you what you need to understand. you are not the priority. let me ask you something - have you ever seen him for a date in the past six months when you didn't have sex with him? and why you are planning to have a conversation about dating him? he's told you with his actions where your place is... it happens to be way low on his priority list. men who are really interested make a lot more effort for a gal than this dude. why not just send a simple text saying you are no longer interested in seeing him?
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 why not just send a simple text saying you are no longer interested in seeing him? Because she's a human who is emotionally invested and not a robot. But she is way ahead of most people on this board because she knows she needs counseling and is seeking it.
2sunny Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 imagine the counselor determines that there is a reason she wonders about his inability to participate in her life as a committed partner. the next question asked is what are you planning to do about it?
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Of course she should do something about it. She knows that. It's just proving hard for her to take the proper action and she's working to take the steps towards resolving the issue. I hope.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Whenever a guy, like him, says that you are 'exclusive' that means.. he wants you to be faithful... but he's excluding himself.. He has told me we were exclusive but that was about 3 months ago - I wonder where things are at - if anything has changed. Nothing has changed.. this guy is just not that into you.. he has other priorities.. that doesn't mean that he doesn't like you.. he probably does.. but only under HIS terms.. He doesn't want you to see other people.. he wants to make sure he won't get any diseases... but it's OK for him.. At his age, he's probably set in his habits.. doesn't want to compromise about anything.. he just likes being single and having sex whenever he feels like it.. I say.. if you're not willing to have this guy as a F* friend... then drop him... I think he only wants a FWB relationship.. nothing more..
2sunny Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Of course she should do something about it. She knows that. It's just proving hard for her to take the proper action and she's working to take the steps towards resolving the issue. I hope. so i guess - given his actions - and the evidence of him being unwilling to: make it seem as though he's a guy dating and interested only in her a guy that makes time for her a guy that is including her in his social circle a guy willing to show compassion for her family in need of help a guy willing to accept communication when she reaches out under these circumstances what do you recommend the proper action be? from my perspective he already shows her that it's his way or nothing. the nothing comes when he's not with her - which is often. has he stated what he's doing when he's not with you? what else has he been up to this holiday weekend? most folks dating for eight months spend this weekend together if they're not working. i am now wondering why the date on a weekday? seems a guy that has you as a priority would see you for a date on Friday or Saturday.
Author sandcast123 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I wouldn't send a text message because that is not how I communicate. I've spent enough time with him that I want to have this sort of conversation in person. I am not saying I think it will work out but for some reason, I am emotionally attached and it is hard for me to leave. It is a matter of time and for me, I plan to pull back and talk it through with my therapist as I leave. I am not a perfect person but I am strong enough to know what I need to do in order to leave on my own terms. I thank all of you for your perspectives and advice. It is very helpful to hear from others.
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Good luck sandcast123, I can tell that you're a strong woman who got emotionally invested with a not-so-great guy. It hurts and you're dealing with it. I know you'll be fine.
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