jmmm Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 well i made the decision to call him after he ended it kind of harshly last june..and i even contacted him in october b/c i regretted all my jealousy etc and he said he wasn't ready to do this all over again and he can't right now..if you read my other thread you will see the things he did..now almost a year later i sent him a v-mail...... ..i sent him a v-mail so it wouldn't ring with my number and possibly interrupt something..i mentioned i have been thinking of him lately, wondering how he is etc and if he wants he can text me back and i left my number in case he didn't have it anymore...he called me back about 3 minutes later and we started talking..i dont remmeber everything word for word b/c it was very nerve wracking, i wasn't expecting his call..i asked him about his mom and how was family etc he was on a vacation with a friend to do something right now..and he said he is very suprised to hear from me after the way things happened so abrupt and how it finalized etc..he did mention my things like he still has it and he wasn't going to throw it away and my heart started to sink a little so i said i regret alot and know if it wasn't for the jealousy most of our problems wouldn't have existed and he was saying hindsight is 20/20 right? and he said im sure i had my flaws too..but i basically put the blame on myself and said no, i don't want to do what i did with whoever i am with and if i knew what it was doing to us and to you it would have stopped, i just never realized it etc....and then he kind of changed the subject and said how is my family and then asked what have i been up to which is when i told him about my traveling and he said very nice and asked who i went with to one of the trips he mentioned he knew my b-day passed and didnt want to call on it and ruin anything and he also knew i didn't want to be friends and thats when i said i dont want to be friends and he says he understands..and at one point in the convo it was brought up how when i contacted him months ago he just didn't want to go through all that again and i said i don't either, i wouldn't to do that again my stuff did get mentioned again and he said something like you would use it again except for maybe that brush in my medicine cabinet(it was all full of hair) and i said bad i know..and he said its still there....and i really tried to get in as best as i could with me being nervous how i wish i could back and do things over and he mentioned i dont believe in changing everything for someone else and i said well this would be for me in general..and then he asked but how can you change like that and just not be that way..something along those lines he siad..and i said well by taking a couple of steps back and asking is this worth reacting to and stressing out about and most times it isn't...he also mentioned it cant be together all the time...and i had no idea what he meant so i asked..and he said like not being able to be out of the person's sight..and i said i know you should have been able to do this or that...and then he mentioned but you should want to do those things too and i agreed and told him i even joined a coed softball league this summer which kind of was a good light topic and he kind of started laughing like i can't picture you doing this and that i would have to see and record etc..and i said no thats embarrassing...we got on the topic of dates and he said you mean to tell me you didn't date anyone..and i didn't know what to say so i said i took some time to myself and then asked him and he said he went out with a few people but nothing b/f and g/f which is what he wanted..he wanted to work and pay off bills etc..so i said ok i expected that..and i mentioned i went on some dates but its not where i wanted to be..and he said there is a lot of garbage out there and when i was mentioning the relationship stuff he said can we talk about this when i get back? he eventually started to say he is gonna go..i guess b/c his friend was there or they were going somewhere..and maybe i shouldnt have said it but i said do u want to meet up? and he said well i am back this week so i will give you a call and i said ok bye and he said ok expect a call im so nervous..i really tried to explain myself..i wasnt expecting him to call back so fast especially if he was away..its like being heartbroken all over if rejected and he doesnt think a second shot is worth it..but i guess i showed i had heart after all this time he said he would be back thursday and would call me when he gets back..but now its sunday and i still haven't heard from him...my friends think he is kind of a jerk in a way that he didn't call quicker b/c it was hard to call him after a year and put myself out there....some are saying well maybe he just wants to give it time rather than call me right away and rush into things and show it needs to be different and its also a holiday weekend and maybe he wants to wait til it over and wants to appear busy etc etc.....if it was bad news i am wondering why he didn't do it sooner and just get it over with, it seems almost cruel to wait til tuesday for example to say i thought about it and no....
Girlygirl1977 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I believe you have more than you done your part and laid everything out on the line for him. It was very brave of you to contact him. He knows where you stand now. At the same time, I currently do not see him putting in the same effort. I also believe given you have done your part and laid it out - and he broke up with you -all you can do is wait. You should do no more until he reciprocates a next action. It doesn't appear he has the same mindset as you now but again, you will know best if/when you hear from him again. Stay strong and try for diversions.
Author jmmm Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 well he called..he didn't sound super nice in his v-mail..just basically its me if u want call me back...so that kind of stung but maybe he doesnt like putting himself out there..i called and we spoke for an hour..i spoke about my family, work, money, he did the same...and he said he has been sick this past weekend which is why he didn't call..so i just said ok, sorry...when the convo was ending i said do u want to go? and he said yeah its getting late, talk to you later? so i said do you want to talk again? and he said he doesnt no how to respond to that..and he joked saying no i will just talk to you next year..and i said whatever and he kind of laughed and said you deserved that...and then he said i will give you a call tomorrow or the next day or you can call me...he said he doesnt want to give me a specific time and then not do it like this weekend b/c of the way he was feeling so i guess this is headed in the right direction?...i guess i shouldnt mention us for awhile?...don't know what to do next really....
seoa Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 at the moment, it doesn't mean anything specific... the fact he's willing to talk could just be a casual "sure it's nice to catch up" thing... it could be the basis for something more being built... but the obsessing about it all (and yes, i know it's virtually impossible not to) is quite a lot similar to the jealousy issues you said broke you up before... the best way to play this is to chill out... more than you think you can... accept what he's offering, don't demand more, and you'll find out reasonably quickly whether that's enough for you... you can't force him to respond in ways he doesn't want to, so just find ways to keep yourself busy and distracted, and let this flow naturally...
hoping2heal Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 well he called..he didn't sound super nice in his v-mail..just basically its me if u want call me back...so that kind of stung but maybe he doesnt like putting himself out there..i called and we spoke for an hour..i spoke about my family, work, money, he did the same...and he said he has been sick this past weekend which is why he didn't call..so i just said ok, sorry...when the convo was ending i said do u want to go? and he said yeah its getting late, talk to you later? so i said do you want to talk again? and he said he doesnt no how to respond to that..and he joked saying no i will just talk to you next year..and i said whatever and he kind of laughed and said you deserved that...and then he said i will give you a call tomorrow or the next day or you can call me...he said he doesnt want to give me a specific time and then not do it like this weekend b/c of the way he was feeling so i guess this is headed in the right direction?...i guess i shouldnt mention us for awhile?...don't know what to do next really.... As I said before, I don't think he's interested in a relatinship with you. I think he cares about you as a person and doesn't want to hurt you, but it's pretty obvious he's only talking to you out of feeling guilty. I don't mean to be cruel, I just don't want you getting your hopes up when I can see where this is really going.
Author jmmm Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 why would a person feel guilty? they can simply say it was for the best...him doing what he is doing to be nice would just make him seem like a jerk b/c its leading someone on.
Author jmmm Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 He texted me saying i probably could be handling this better but im truly not sure what to do yet. I am glad we have been talking though. I started to panic so i texted him saying can we talk on the phone for a few minutes? and he wrote i dont have privacy right now. so i wrote back saying maybe you can go outside? sorry..so he wrote give me a few minutes and then he called...basically we started talking and then he said i know we can't keep avoiding the issues etc..and he said i really just don't know what to say. he said i have been thinking about this since you called me and i see good and bad points about this..and i said well there is always bad points right? and he said i guess i kind of came to terms it was over and you see these couples that break up and get back together etc and he said he never saw the point in doing that and going back ..and i said yeah but if they recognize what can be different and changed, it might work and can be worth it...and i told him the truth that it was very hard for me to call him last week b/c i was nervous and afraid..and he said u didn't have to be afraid, its not like i would have ignored you or hung up on u..and i said still, its hard to put urself out there..and then he kind of made a joke like well ur not really an aggressor..except for when ur mad.......and he said so what made u decide to do it..i said i knew eventually i was going to do it and he laughed at that point....and i said i knew i needed to leave u alone for a bit and i still thought about you as time passed so i finally just got the nerve to do it and it was hard for me and i asked him didn't u think about me..and he said u thought i didn't think about u this past year? and i also mentioned u thought i just forgot about u? and he said no, you don't forget about the people u have been with and i said that's true but then he said it doesn't mean u want to go back though.....which scared me b/c i thought he was talking about himself..and i said even if things would be different? and that's when he said no i wasn't referring to that, i meant in terms of u not forgetting but i wasn't expecting a call a year later to do this(so i guess he meant in general it doesn't usually happen that way)...he said he can't just jump back into this..and i said i know, i wasn't expecting that..i know its going to be baby steps...so he said it would have to be starting over like from scratch so i agreed and said i knew it wouldn't be like that...he said in theory it would be ideal to just do that but it can't be like that..he said he wasn't even expecting this a year later..and that's when i was trying to be light about the topic and say well surprises are good right? and he said most aren't actually and then he corrected himself saying not that this isn't a good suprise, just most arent. He said we will exchange some calls and then meet eventually and just take it from there and see how it goes.....we started talking about other things and the convo seemed to go ok...he said where we are now is alot different from over two weeks ago so maybe this can slowly happen?
Broseph Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 He sounds very down to earth and actually like a genuinely nice guy. Anyways, dont let your emotions get too sucked in, but sometimes it is best to go down fighting maybe so why not give it a go. Anyways, play it cool and it sounds that he isnt sure so dont rush in, dont announce anything, and be yourself. Best of luck to you
nature Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Argh...I've read your whole post and I fear you are trying to convince him...which is what you are doing. i understand why you are doing it, but it is not a healthy way to get back in to a relationship. It honestly has to come from both people accepting responsibility, and right now, it is only you. I realize you take the full blame, but it does really need to come from both people wanting to rekindle the relationship. I fear if you do get back together, he will have one foot out the door the entire time....just waiting for the shoe to drop. I sincerely think you need to stop convincing him. Stop bringing up the relationship. Stop explaining it to him. Stop all of it. Let him bring it up. Let him call you when he feels like it. Stop chasing him. Because that is what you are doing. And that can be a big turn off to people. It is desperate behaviour. You need to make it clear that you do not want this again unless he wants it as badly. He dumped you. Thus, you are really not in the drivers seat. And you need to stop acting so desperate. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I honestly think it will backfire on you and you will get hurt. His ego is stroked enough. I know you feel you messed the relationship up, but it does take two to tango. I am sure he could have made things easier on you so as not to make you as jealous all the time. Please think about all of this. I think you need to take a step back now. He does know how you feel. You've said your peace. Told him you are sorry. Taken responsibility. Now it is up to him to come to you. Relationships are about give and take. Love is about the good times and the bad times. If he does not love you enough to believe that you are worth working this out and having patience with each other, then he is honestly not the right guy for you. Please listen to me. I don't want to see you further hurt.
Author jmmm Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 i am going to let him call me and back off now. I hope this goes well..he knows i don't want to be friends so i don't see the point of us chatting and eventually meeting up if we aren't going to slowly progress the relationship..so i am hoping this is what will happen....i guess its good he said its like starting from scratch b/c he can't just jump back in which i wouldn't be able to do either.
Author jmmm Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 we spoke sunday and the convo seemed to go well...i texted him the other day just saying hope you are having a good day and he wrote back...we haven't spoke since sunday though..i figured i should just give him space, maybe wait another day or so to call him or possibly just let him call me....
Girlygirl1977 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 we spoke sunday and the convo seemed to go well...i texted him the other day just saying hope you are having a good day and he wrote back...we haven't spoke since sunday though..i figured i should just give him space, maybe wait another day or so to call him or possibly just let him call me.... Listen to what nature said. You should not call him again. After the call on Sunday, you already initiated the text. If he wants you at this point, let him initiate. You should not be calling him at this point I am sorry. You just have to let go and see what happens.
Author jmmm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 well the thing is..he said last week we will exchange some calls and then meet..so i am assuming its both of us calling each other..not just him..we spoke last night for 2 hours pretty much...
Girlygirl1977 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Ok but make sure you are not the one doing all the calling. For example, if you called this time - do not initiate the next call. You will see his interest level from there. IF you keep leading, he just may be going along so as to not be rude. He has to invest something into it for him to really be in it.
Author jmmm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 i completely agree..i called this time so now i see it as his turn to call..seems to be going well so far?
Author jmmm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 is it a positive thing about him knowing all the things i did this year...traveled, joined a team, classes etc..he even said you did alot this year, what else did you do....i don't want him to think i had this complete time of my life without him and i'm better off but it was good he saw that i did some interesting things this year and still called him and reached out to him. i am guessing overall, it makes me sound more appealing?
BCCA Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 jmmm, What are you doing to yourself? Its been 14 months, and youre still pinning over him, and now youve made a nerve wracking call. What do you think is going to come of all this? He hasnt done anything to show hes interested in reconciling, why do you insist on torturing yourself like this? Youve aready reached out to him before, told him you would change, etc...he wasnt interested and made no attmepts to contact you. All thats happened so far is that hes responded to you in a civilized manner, he hasnt gone out of his way to show any interest. i don't want him to think i had this complete time of my life without him and i'm better off You really think hes going to get that impression when youre contacting him all frightened, and practically throwing yourself at his feet...again?
Author jmmm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 What are you talking about and how do you have the nerve to say what am i doing to myself...after a year of doing my own thing and a lot of activities i still cared about him so i took a chance...and so far it seems to be positive..if he wasn't thinking at all about getting back then he would have just said that in our conversation already and not spend any time with me on the phone a few times a week... instead he said we will need to take this slow and we will exchange some calls and meet. yes, it was a huge risk and i knew what it was when i was doing it but i saw it as worth a shot and it wasn't something i did on impulse.
northstar1 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 What are you talking about and how do you have the nerve to say what am i doing to myself...after a year of doing my own thing and a lot of activities i still cared about him so i took a chance...and so far it seems to be positive..if he wasn't thinking at all about getting back then he would have just said that in our conversation already and not spend any time with me on the phone a few times a week... instead he said we will need to take this slow and we will exchange some calls and meet. yes, it was a huge risk and i knew what it was when i was doing it but i saw it as worth a shot and it wasn't something i did on impulse. BCCA has the nerve, because he sees that you have been stuck in limbo over this guy for over a year. Yes, you took a chance, and he is speaking to you, but we just don't want to see your get your hopes up about this, only to be disappointed, when he ends up just wanting to be friends.
Author jmmm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 i guess i see every situation as different and i didn't think me contacting him after a lot of time passing is the worst thing...if that is the case with friendship, he knows i won't be sticking around for that. I already made my intentions clear that I am not calling him for friendship and can't just be his friend. thanks for the concern bcca, wasn't trying to come off badly in my last post.
northstar1 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 i guess i see every situation as different and i didn't think me contacting him after a lot of time passing is the worst thing...if that is the case with friendship, he knows i won't be sticking around for that. I already made my intentions clear that I am not calling him for friendship and can't just be his friend. thanks for the concern bcca, wasn't trying to come off badly in my last post. No, it's not the worst thing, as long as you can keep the perspective that things may never go further with him. Just be clear about what you are willing to accept (ie. communicating will lead to something more) and what you aren't (dragging on communication, you doing all the work, 'friendship').
norajane Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 This is so sad. Don't you want to be with a guy who is enthusiastic about being with you and who is showing interest and affection? Why do you want to be with a guy you have to talk into it? Even if you do get back together, you will always be full of anxiety wondering if he really wants to be with you, if he really likes you, if he's going to leave you at any moment for someone else he meets whom he's really into? I hope you haven't stopped dating while you're waiting for his next call. Don't limit yourself when he isn't likely to be doing so.
Author jmmm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 i'm not talking him into anything..he didn't have to call me back right after i left the first v-mail and didn't have to continue talking to me or saying we need to take this slow and i can't just jump back into things..he could have just said i can't, what happened was for the best and i all i have to offer is friendship and that would have been it. If he wasn't at all interested i don't think he would spend his time or my own time catching up and being on the phone for two hours at a time. He is definitely the type if he made up his mind about it and it was a no, he would just said it already. I don't mind taking it slow for now and see what happens. And i actually think if we do get back together it will be a feeling of well this happened for a reason and there must be something special between us if we came back together.
Girlygirl1977 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Hopefully it moves from he is considering it to he is enthusiastic about it. This will not turn out well unless that is the case. So the point is not that he would simply consider it - but that he really wants it. The evidence doesn't show that at this point - but I wish you luck. When it is turning into him initiating contact and meetings and you are not so antsy (as you are now and why you started this thread), then it will be more equal. It doesn't sound like that yet. It sounds like you really want to be with him and he is considering it - imbalanced at the moment.
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