sacrificed Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I found an old childhood friend a few months ago. We were very close as pre-teens but drifted apart when we attended separate schools. We would see each other around for years but never dated. We lost track of each other 15 years ago. Once we reconnected it was as friends, we are both married. I am not unhappy at all with my marriage and my husband is everything I could have ever hoped for, which makes this all the more confusing for me. As my old friend and I reconnected online and in person we began to wonder what could have been. We talked at length about having an affair and what it could mean for both of us. We agreed that we would be always be friends no matter what and that when either wanted to end it that we would talk about it, and that would be it. (Naive, I know!) We never, ever planned to leave our spouses. We met a couple of times for the physical part of our relationship. But that didn't seem to be the basis for the whole thing. We continued to chat have what i can only describe as a real connection and friendship. This was a first affair for both of us and I have never even entertained the idea prior to this. Even before I was married. I have never cheated on anyone in my life! We have also met at mutual events as friends (no plans to hook up) and have talked about other things on the phone without any mention of "us." Recently we planned to meet (at a hotel) and at the last minute he cancelled (by text) and up to this moment I have not heard from him at all. No texts, calls, etc. I have a gut feeling about what happened and have sent one email explaining my thoughts and that if what I suspected was true then this was fine and we could go on from here. I have heard nothing. This was a month ago and I am greatly releived to be done with the "affair" itself. However I am deeply greiving the loss of my friend. I feel abandoned and set adrift. I have no explanation and I feel as if I have no choice in this. I have all his contact info (cell, home phone, address, work email and personal email, even his wife's cell #)and could force this issue, i guess, but I do not want to go there at all. I don't feel as if I can move forward without knowing what happened. This whole affair has lasted only a few months. We have slept together twice and have been around each other in social situations a handful of times other than that. We chatted online and on the phone but as stated before, really as friends. I have read the posts on here about NC, and I was wondering if anyone has had a situation like mine? I am stunned that I have gotten no info from him at all. He is very lucky that I am not a bunny boiler! Anyone else I know would had blown up the phones and email trying to get a response. I am also very confused as to why if this is a NC situation and I am out of his life and he is moving on, then why hasn't he removed me from his friends list on the social networking sites we are on? any help would be greatly appreciated.
Karmababe Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Seems to me that the wife may have discovered something or he is trying to salvage his marriage. If I were you, under no circumstances call him, contact he or his wife, e-mail or text him - you'll appear like a stalker. For your own healing - why is it that this person was able to enter your life? What is wrong with your marriage? The OM filled a need - what was it? As always, time heals - increase your support system and allow yourself to grieve.
Author sacrificed Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I know that his wife didn't find out. I would hope that he would give me a heads up as well! Also, I have met her and she would absolutely make sure I knew she knew. She also would have made him remove me from Facebook (i would think). And as hard as it is I refuse to try and contact him at this time. I sent an email, a text and placed one phone call during the first week. It's funny though, that if I were to make another attempt then it would make me appear like a stalker! i think the same thing, isn't that strange? He is allowed to do whatever with no explanation and I am just to take it. He is either very stupid or trusts the heck out of me. The very confusing thing about this entire affair is that there was nothing wrong with my marriage (i know, you are rolling your eyes!) but it's the truth. I will never be able to explain our connection, it's been there since we were kids. If this man were to hit on me in a bar or whatnot, I wouldn't give him the time of day. I know his silence is telling me all that I need to know at this time. It just makes it so hard when you think back to all the conversations about how important you are, how glad he was to have me back in his life, yada, yada, yada. Is this just standard operating procedure for all men? Are we progammed to believe the lovely things people tell us? Is it always harder on the women than the men? UGH!
lkjh Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Why don't you divorce your husband? You obviously don't love or respect him. Please don't say that you do. What you did to him is horrible and nasty and all you care about is yourself. Please leave him or confess. You have to remember that this is his life and marriage to. Just because you are feeling down all of a sudden doesn't mean you can destroy everything. He has a right to know what his "wife" is doing. I know you are not going to tell him and you are even going to convince yourself that telling him is selfish but its not. All you are thinking about is yourself Also, your friend got what he wanted( the sex) and now he is trying to get away before you get to serious. Please, don't fool yourself into believing that you were his first affair.
Author sacrificed Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Please do not assume to know anything about my love for anyone in this lifetime. I am new to LS and I thought I was posting in a thread specific to my situation. If there is anyone else out there who has been in my situation or one similiar, I would love to hear your experiences and how you got through it. This is far worse than I every dreamed it would be and I am alone in this, as it should be.
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 The very confusing thing about this entire affair is that there was nothing wrong with my marriage No, there isn't. And this isn't about your unsuspecting husband either..It's about YOU and not being able to stay faithful, live up to your vows that you said to your husband. You've CHOSEN to go back in time, open pandora's box, reach into the past and start something up with an old flame. BIG MISTAKE. Innocent people, your husband, his wife, your kids, his kids - ALL didn't ask for this.. You and your MM did. Both of you made stupid and selfish choices to pursue this and have sex. He obviously realized he wasn't into it anymore, changed his mind (which he has a right to do), and you need to accept that and focus on fixing yourself. Seek counselling and find out WHY you allowed yourself to do this. You're broken inside, and only you can fix this before you lose EVERYTHING that you know and love..Aka your husband, family life as you know it.
sugarmomma Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Sounds like he got what he wanted and he is done. I would chalk it up to experience. He's a sly man and this is probably not his first affair. He knows how to get in and get out. Sorry you're in pain but now you can focus on your marriage like he's probably doing.
lkjh Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Please do not assume to know anything about my love for anyone in this lifetime. I am new to LS and I thought I was posting in a thread specific to my situation. If there is anyone else out there who has been in my situation or one similiar, I would love to hear your experiences and how you got through it. This is far worse than I every dreamed it would be and I am alone in this, as it should be. Everything bad that is happening to you is from your own doing. You are alone in this because of your own actions. You have to stop thinking you are a victim. I don't need to assume anything about your love for your H, your actions tell everything. You are treating him like a disposable unimportant item, not a person. That is not love. The OM got what he wanted and when he wants it again he will contact you and you will jump at the moment. There really isn't anything unique about your situation. You can read a bunch of threads on here about people who get bored, "reconnect" with a "friend" from the past, and then become cheaters, liars, and everything they claim they would have ever considered.
aussiegirl66 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I found an old childhood friend a few months ago. We were very close as pre-teens but drifted apart when we attended separate schools. We would see each other around for years but never dated. We lost track of each other 15 years ago. Once we reconnected it was as friends, we are both married. I am not unhappy at all with my marriage and my husband is everything I could have ever hoped for, which makes this all the more confusing for me. As my old friend and I reconnected online and in person we began to wonder what could have been. We talked at length about having an affair and what it could mean for both of us. We agreed that we would be always be friends no matter what and that when either wanted to end it that we would talk about it, and that would be it. (Naive, I know!) We never, ever planned to leave our spouses. We met a couple of times for the physical part of our relationship. But that didn't seem to be the basis for the whole thing. This was a first affair for both of us and I have never even entertained the idea prior to this. Even before I was married. I have never cheated on anyone in my life! We have also met at mutual events as friends (no plans to hook up) and have talked about other things on the phone without any mention of "us." Recently we planned to meet (at a hotel) and at the last minute he cancelled (by text) and up to this moment I have not heard from him at all. No texts, calls, etc. I have a gut feeling about what happened and have sent one email explaining my thoughts and that if what I suspected was true then this was fine and we could go on from here. I have heard nothing. This was a month ago and I am greatly releived to be done with the "affair" itself. However I am deeply greiving the loss of my friend. I feel abandoned and set adrift. I have no explanation and I feel as if I have no choice in this. I have all his contact info (cell, home phone, address, work email and personal email, even his wife's cell #)and could force this issue, i guess, but I do not want to go there at all. I don't feel as if I can move forward without knowing what happened. This whole affair has lasted only a few months. We have slept together twice and have been around each other in social situations a handful of times other than that. We chatted online and on the phone but as stated before, really as friends. I have read the posts on here about NC, and I was wondering if anyone has had a situation like mine? I am stunned that I have gotten no info from him at all. He is very lucky that I am not a bunny boiler! Anyone else I know would had blown up the phones and email trying to get a response. I am also very confused as to why if this is a NC situation and I am out of his life and he is moving on, then why hasn't he removed me from his friends list on the social networking sites we are on? any help would be greatly appreciated. Sacrificed, Oh dear, what can I say? I can empathise with what you are going through as I am marrried and I was involved with a MM too for a few months. We didn't sleep together, but it was emotionally intense as yours, though more so for me than it was for him since I had all these hopes and expectations, though like you in the end, deep down I didn't really want either of our marriages to end. He ignored my emails, sms' too which after a number of months left me really frantic and abandoned, much like how you are feeling now. I am the classic example of what NOT to do when you are desperate for information - yep, I became stalkerish so I am glad that you are NOT deciding to go down that route, though I can fully understand your despair, frustration and anger as that is what drove me in the end to "lose it" with him. I too wondered whether not replying was because he was no longer "into me", or whether he could not for some reason, like perhaps whether he was scared of disclosing his real feelings. If you want me to be honest, I agree with some what the posters have said (bear in mind they have been the other women/men who have gotten hurt from their husbands/wives having an affair which is why they show you no mercy)...not that he is necessarily a serial cheater, but that guilt may have got the better of him and he is deciding to focus on his marriage, not that there was anything wrong with you, per se. Don't worry about him removing you from social networking sites, etc, that would only happen if you aggravated him in some way (like I did my MM) and he had to specifically make a point of removing you. Also, men aren't really into the fine detail of things like that like we women are? Do you get me? I do think that NC is the way to go, regardless of whether you want to heal and put the affair behind you, or whether you want him to "come back" to you one day with some sort of explanation, which I do feel you deserve, but that unfortunately, may not come as soon as you wish. You have sent him the one email asking for information, the ball is now in his court, so leave it there. It may be appropriate in a few months, say around Christmas/holiday time to very quickly ask him by email something like "hey remember me? how are you doing, I haven't heard from you and hoping things in your life are working out for you, or something like that. Feel free to drop me a line anytime." But leave it for now. The thing that worries me, is when you say that "We continued to chat have what i can only describe as a real connection and friendship". The implication is that you don't share a real connection and friendship with your husband or that it is not enough for you. If I can ask you gently, are you perhaps in denial about your relationship with your husband and if so, is that something you would be willing to address? I know I have to think about this too - why my husband wasn't 'enough' and why I needed the attentions of another man in my life. Just food for thought (for both of us!)
GreenEyedLady Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I am not unhappy at all with my marriage and my husband is everything I could have ever hoped for, which makes this all the more confusing for me. If this is true, put MM out of your mind. Imagine your H finds what you're posting here, what do you think he would think and do? You have put your M at risk and for what? An old friend who had sex with you a couple of times and dumped you by text. Stop thinking about him, stop wondering why. You should never contact this man again; he is not a friend to you or your M. GEL
VictoryisMine Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Slept together twice? Maybe there was something that turned him off? Do you keep good hygiene? I'm confused too (as you are) if you are so happy with your husband, what do want from this guy?
Author sacrificed Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I really don't want anything from this MM except for an answer as to what happened. I would like to go back to being friends but I think that is off the table at this point. We were only together twice because we live in separate towns and the last time we had sex was 3 months ago. We have seen each other and hung out, but as friends only. This last meeting was initiated by him. when he cancelled and he told me he would explain later. that was the last I have heard. So I am under the assumption that NC has been initiated by him. though we never talked about NC ever (I'd never heard of it until this site) And I am certainly, at this point, not attempting to contact him at all. I am afraid of never hearing from him again, and I am afraid that I will hear from him again. Is this normal? I do know that whatever happens the A is over, I have no fear of that happening ever again. Thanks to those of you who have offered advice and not judgement. It is appreciated more than you know.
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 You cannot be 'friends.' Ever. Start focussing on your marriage and husband, and let go of your former so-called friend. You were fine without him for over 15 years, you'll be fine again without him for the rest of your life. I don't mean to sound harsh but the bottomline of this is, you both are married and never should have met up and opened that door.. Look how it's messed you up, let alone, if your husband finds out the truth, he will be devastated. The best outcome is for you two never to see/talk/email again. Let it go.
ednadean Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 hmm. not sure why people are being so mean on this thread. anyway -- I guess he just got an attack of the guilts and called it off in his head. He probably almost got caught -- or his wife got pregnant -- or something to make him reconsider.
Author sacrificed Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 hmm. not sure why people are being so mean on this thread. anyway -- I guess he just got an attack of the guilts and called it off in his head. He probably almost got caught -- or his wife got pregnant -- or something to make him reconsider. I am not sure about the tone here either. I am new here so maybe this is normal? I know he had an attack of the guilts. He is a churchgoer and has been conflicted about the A and his faith. Which is completely normal I am sure. I just never thought he would quit without an explanation of some sort. I am never going to get one, I know. I just wish I knew how to stop the pain. I would like to share more but right now I just don't feel like being slammed for being selfish and so on...today is one of the bad days.
2sure Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Since he hasnt taken you off of face book and it seems evident his wife does not know...the fact is , he is a cheater. You have no reason to believe you are his first affair and no reason to believe he hasnt simply moved on to someone else. Cheaters very rarely stop cheating unless they are caught, they simply change partners.
MistyK Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I am not sure about the tone here either. I am new here so maybe this is normal? I just don't feel like being slammed for being selfish and so on...today is one of the bad days. Is it not atypical. Certain people consistently attack in this way...your best bet is to go into your user options and put them on "ignore" if it bothers you.
VictoryisMine Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Sacrificed, You ask only how to deal with the pain. I don't get them often, but when i have a major crush on someone i was seeing (i am single) and they just stop calling all of the sudden.... I know for whatever reason ... to leave it be. I allow myself to constantly think about them, good or bad, as i go thru my daily routine. I continuesly check my cell phone and e-mail to see if he has called or wrote. I consciensely know i am obsessing. But it's natural to 'let it out', get it out of my system. One day at a time. Before you know it you could care less what his reason was for not giving you an explaination.
Lovely10 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Before I jump in and do anything with life altering consequences I play out the worst possible outcome and the best possible outcome in my mind. Then decide. Given this spectrum of events, it seems that while you are feeling hurt you avoided the worst possible outcome ... being caught by your spouse. Take this as a gift from the heavens, count your blessings, take a deep breath, realize that this is really about your pride being hurt, and chalk it up to an experience that ended... mercifully... before it truly wrecked you. If you are feeling lousy now, how might you have felt a year from now? It sounds like you got off easy this time. Now make some meaningful choices concerning your life. Don't recklessly get into things if you aren't prepared for the reality of them. This could have really blown up in your face. Perhaps it still could. I've been placed in similar circumstances by men I've known from the past... professing their infatuation/love for me. I did a fast forward and declined. Not worth it. I'd rather have a clear head.
Author sacrificed Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Sacrificed, You ask only how to deal with the pain. I don't get them often, but when i have a major crush on someone i was seeing (i am single) and they just stop calling all of the sudden.... I know for whatever reason ... to leave it be. I allow myself to constantly think about them, good or bad, as i go thru my daily routine. I continuesly check my cell phone and e-mail to see if he has called or wrote. I consciensely know i am obsessing. But it's natural to 'let it out', get it out of my system. One day at a time. Before you know it you could care less what his reason was for not giving you an explaination. Victory ~ I am trying my hardest to let it be. Today has been especially hard. I have had many moments where I reach for the phone. However, I am not going to give him another chance to reject me. In the course of talking about this with him prior to moving forward with the friendship and then the A, I asked him for one thing only: if there came a point in all this that he couldn't do it anymore (be friends or lovers), that he let me know. Not to just disappear from my life. He knew this and he knows why this matters so much to me. And yet that is what it looks like he has done. I am tired of crying. I am tired of using what little emotional energy I have left wondering instead of knowing and dealing with it. There is so much more that would be useful to all who are trying to help, but I am hesitant to reveal more as I do not ever want to be identified. Please tell me how all of you got through it, if you have. Please tell me that I will as well.
fooled once Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 geez, more of the "people here are mean" posts. It isn't that people are MEAN, they just say what they mean. WHY do people want words sugarcoated??? I don't get this. Anyway, this man has decided he doesn't want to be with you. Period. He isn't into you. I am not sure how much more clearer he can make that to you. Why isn't he into you anymore? who knows. we don't. Could be many reasons -- but underneath that, does it really matter? You won't get an answer. I know that is hard to deal with; but it is what it is. You just have to own up to your part in this. You have to tell your H what you did. You have to be honest. You have to decide what is lacking in you/your marriage that caused you to look up an old friend and then have an inappropriate conversation which lead to an inappropriate relationship. I will never understand why people look up old friends/boyfriends from YEARS ago and do the "I wonder what it would have been liked had we had sex" or "I wonder what it would be like to have sex AGAIN as adults". I don't get it. It is one thing to find an old friend; it is another to take it to the level you did. That is what you need to examine. And you need to tell your H what you did.
VictoryisMine Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Crying is okay Sacrificed, get it out. And we have all one time or another reached for the phone to call only to put it back down. fooled once (member on here) is right. This man doesn't want to be with you anymore and it could be any reason.... (but i don't agree with telling your husband, as Lovely10 has said, This could of blown up in your face) Please try to let it go, please let it go. It DOES get better, do all the grieving and you will find yourself feeling better. And, i know, being on a site like this, there is always a lot we want to say but afraid of being revealed.
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Fooled once, people on LS are often mean - period. They might believe they are saying what they are saying in the OP's best interest, but they ARE mean. If you can't see that, I feel sorry for you. Your perception of the world must be unrealistic.
fooled once Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 In an average 2 page post, there is maybe 1 MEAN post - really mean post. Other posts could be considered harsh. Some could be considered real. Some could be considered sugar and spice and sunshine up the butt. TAKE what you need and leave the rest. It really isn't that hard. But seriously, do people who are in affairs think they really are going to find people to applaud them for their decision? Do they think that people are going to help them continue to scheme and hurt people? Don't you think the truly 'mean' people are the ones who are lying and cheating on their spouse????? THOSE are the mean people; and they they find people to help them scheme and hurt others (OM/OW).
Author sacrificed Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 My MM was a part of my childhood, he and a few other friends were what I looked forward to every day during school. My home life was awful and they were my shelter, so to speak. Without them and him I don't know that I would have made it into my teens with my sanity intact. And I am not trying to be dramatic, just giving some background. As with many, life separated us but we would still hear about and run into each other through the years. Why we "went there" with the "what if's"? I don't know, that was a mistake. Once that door opened, I could not help myself but walk through it. I know others could, but I couldn't. As I have told others who know about this, I will never have the words to properly express what we both went through trying to do the right thing. I don't understand it myself. I know that he struggled with this as did I. We have not had any contact in a month. I have not tried since the first week. He has gone without returning messages before and we have gone a couple of weeks at time without chatting online. This time is definitely different. I know this is over and the best thing I can do for all concerned is to let it die. As his friend I should have never let this happen in the first place. Now as his friend and someone who cares deeply for him, I will let this go. He has and now so must I. my heart breaks, but I don't deserve that luxury, I know.
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