patkirk Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 My ex told me we could never be friends because she's always going to want more? is this true or just an emotional reaction to our break up? how many of you remained friends after NC or immediately after break up?
EricaH329 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I am friends with the majority of my ex's. But only after NC. After I had completely gotten over them and moved on.
CarrieT Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I'm the same with Erica. I am really, really good friends with a handful of Ex's (one brought his 12-year old daughter to visit from the other side of the country), but we haven't been BF/GF for 30+ years. The guy I broke up with last year; well, we might not be friends for 30 years... It takes time to heal, then the friendship can commence.
Author patkirk Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 My ex and I have been broken up for almost a month now, we've been on NC since with me being, well the dumper. While I don't want a relationship with her anymore, she was still a fun person to be around and I'd love to be friends. I guess I should give her some time to heal before attempting any contact. Her birthday is coming up in less than a month (3 weeks) and I wonder whether I should wish her a happy birthday or not. I don't know whether it will be too soon to initiate contact or I'd come off as a jerk deliberately ignoring her birthday. I sincerely want to give her my best wishes but also want her to heal from the break up.
EricaH329 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 My ex and I have been broken up for almost a month now, we've been on NC since with me being, well the dumper. While I don't want a relationship with her anymore, she was still a fun person to be around and I'd love to be friends. I guess I should give her some time to heal before attempting any contact. Her birthday is coming up in less than a month (3 weeks) and I wonder whether I should wish her a happy birthday or not. I don't know whether it will be too soon to initiate contact or I'd come off as a jerk deliberately ignoring her birthday. I sincerely want to give her my best wishes but also want her to heal from the break up. Time in a sense of days, months, years, doesn't really make a difference. It's the amount of time that she takes to heal that matters. It could be years before she is able to have a friendship with you, or it could be days. In most situations, I was the one who initiated contact with an ex once I was fully over them and was willing and able to have a friendship with them. Whether or not to wish her a happy birthday is definitely tricky. Who knows if she is over you or not yet. If she is, she will make it clear whether or not she wants to remain friends, and if she isn't over you, that could lead to false hope on her end. I wish I could tell you whether or not to do that, but unfortunatly I can't. You are just going to have to do what you think is right.
Beeotch Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 It is possible...anything is possible but is it the norm? I doubt. Friendships have to come around naturally. None of my ex's and I are good friends. I don't hate them or anything but we're just not good friends. I may speak to them online or something every once in a while but not regularly. Forcing a friendship is not a good idea. If it happens it happens.
grizzlyvw Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 my girlfriend was my best friend, and than she dumped me. She still wants to be friends but I cant have that. One reason is because im soo damn mad at her and the other reason is that I feel like a loser hanging out with my ex girlfriend after I just got dumped..
Author patkirk Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 yes Erica, It is a bit of a pickle, I guess the best way is to leave it alone, if she ever asks about it I'd simply say I didn't feel it was appropriate, being that I wanted to give her space to get over the break up. She should understand and if not oh well.
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 yes Erica, It is a bit of a pickle, I guess the best way is to leave it alone, if she ever asks about it I'd simply say I didn't feel it was appropriate, being that I wanted to give her space to get over the break up. She should understand and if not oh well. This is still fairly fresh... I would agree that maybe not saying anything would be best for now. At some point down the road when you two are able to be friends, if she asks, which I doubt she will... then you can explain your position. She should be able to understand. Even if she doesn't, that shouldn't ruin any kind of friendship the two of you might be able to have. But as far as actually being able to be friends, again, i'll say that it's more than possible. I mean, you like this person for whatever reason, enough to have wanted to be with them at some point. They must have good qualities, even if it's not the qualitites you would look for in a romantic relationship. I appreciate all of my ex's for who they are, even though it never worked out. We are much better friends than lovers.
Author patkirk Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Thank you very much for your input Erica, it has definitely helped coming to a conclusion about this. I still love this girl very much but a relationship with her has been quite unsuccessful. It's strange because when I was with her, I couldn't stand being with her, I know I love her but she just knew how to push my buttons, our fights got worse and worse over time until I decided enough was enough, twasn't healthy for either of us. But after the break up, I missed her like crazy, twas incredibly hard not to contact her but it has gotten easier over time. I deleted her from my social networking sites which infuriated her but I explained it didn't make any sense us being connected that way and would more than likely hinder us moving on. Yet I found myself checking out her page every day for about two weeks. Finally stopped when I realized any communication she had with a male person would infuriate me. I still miss her but don't want to get back together and you're right, if a friendship materializes out of this then well and good, but I'm also prepared to not talk to her ever again.
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Thank you very much for your input Erica, it has definitely helped coming to a conclusion about this. I still love this girl very much but a relationship with her has been quite unsuccessful. It's strange because when I was with her, I couldn't stand being with her, I know I love her but she just knew how to push my buttons, our fights got worse and worse over time until I decided enough was enough, twasn't healthy for either of us. But after the break up, I missed her like crazy, twas incredibly hard not to contact her but it has gotten easier over time. I deleted her from my social networking sites which infuriated her but I explained it didn't make any sense us being connected that way and would more than likely hinder us moving on. Yet I found myself checking out her page every day for about two weeks. Finally stopped when I realized any communication she had with a male person would infuriate me. I still miss her but don't want to get back together and you're right, if a friendship materializes out of this then well and good, but I'm also prepared to not talk to her ever again. You are very welcome! If I may ask though, when the two of you were together and you were fighting all the time, did you talk to her about it? Like... about how maybe the two of you could somehow come to some sort of compromise about how to deal with certain situations? I'm only asking because I know what it's like after a break up when you really love someone. I was just like her in the relationship i'm in with my fiance the first time around. It took us breaking up for me to realize my actions and to make an effort (without him) to change myself into becoming a better person. Him and I are back together again, and he is shocked at how much i've improved. We never had that talk while we were together. About how our arguing was affecting our relationship. We both knew it, but we didn't do anything to prevent it from happening, or try to work on it. Just wondering, because the way that the two of you broke up sounds almost exactly how it went down with me and my fiance. But i'm glad you don't have any expectations about what's to come. It's when you expect to have a friendship at the end that really tends to mess things up. Only time will tell I suppose. But I hope for your sake it works out that the two of you can be friends. I find it to be a much more intimate friendship, like best friends. The two of you shared so much in the past and really got to know and appreciate eachother for everything. It's a great friendship to have and I hope that you get the chance to experience that!
Author patkirk Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I hope so too Erica, she is a great person but has issues she needs to deal with. I tried to talk to her about it to no avail, I always joked that she has a man's temper, when we had an argument she would escalate pretty quick and actually bang and throw stuff around! but I tend to be veeeeery even tempered, maybe too calm for her i guess, because that seemed to drive her even more mad. I also tend to overinfuse logic into situations too which I guess doesn't work as well with relationships. To begin with she had trust issues before we even met, she looked at my phone all the time, I have a lot of female friends, none that I've been with but that made her uncomfortable but I couldn't do anything about it. I mean stop talking to my female frinds because my girlfriend was uncomfortable? I made an effort to introduce her to most of them but that never made a difference. She actually believes I'm a sociopath...because my face does not express any emotions apparently, and I speak with an even tone aaall the time! things I had no idea how to deal with, she's the first person that ever said it. Nevertheless on a good day we're perfect for each other, It's unfortunate, quite unfortunate. I would settle for a friendship but I suspect it would probably lead to us getting back together, though I wouldn't try it unless I found a way to fix our issues.
EricaH329 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I hope so too Erica, she is a great person but has issues she needs to deal with. I tried to talk to her about it to no avail, I always joked that she has a man's temper, when we had an argument she would escalate pretty quick and actually bang and throw stuff around! but I tend to be veeeeery even tempered, maybe too calm for her i guess, because that seemed to drive her even more mad. I also tend to overinfuse logic into situations too which I guess doesn't work as well with relationships. To begin with she had trust issues before we even met, she looked at my phone all the time, I have a lot of female friends, none that I've been with but that made her uncomfortable but I couldn't do anything about it. I mean stop talking to my female frinds because my girlfriend was uncomfortable? I made an effort to introduce her to most of them but that never made a difference. She actually believes I'm a sociopath...because my face does not express any emotions apparently, and I speak with an even tone aaall the time! things I had no idea how to deal with, she's the first person that ever said it. Nevertheless on a good day we're perfect for each other, It's unfortunate, quite unfortunate. I would settle for a friendship but I suspect it would probably lead to us getting back together, though I wouldn't try it unless I found a way to fix our issues. I'm sorry for asking so many questions, it's just that your situation sounds very much like mine used to be. It's a little scary. I'm trying not to go off topic, but you said that you would settle for a friendship. Does this mean that you would actually like to be with her? And I completely agree that the both of you shouldn't be back together until the issues are worked out, but it all seems so familiar to me. I was absolutely in love with my fiance, and I still am... and it took us breaking up for me to realize what I needed to work on to make our relationship work. If you ever decide to try and make it work with her (I don't know your whole story, so I hope you don't think that i'm pushing that as an option), I would be more than happy to talk to you about ways you could go about making it work with her. I used to be her. And I remember all those flaws that I had as being overwhelming for not only the people around me, but myself as well. It took a lot of digging and courage, but I eventually overcame those flaws. Ah, I took away from the original post. Sorry! I'd definitely like to stay updated on how everything is going. I know it can get confusing at times.
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