frustrated&sad Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Hi all, So I recently have been on multiple dates with a great guy. He has been extremely nice and courteous. I've had a wonderful time getting to know him, and I appreciated how slowly he seemed to be taking everything. Besides holding my hand and kissing, we've not done anything more physical. Given the place I'm at in my life, I've really enjoyed this. The other day, he told me that he wanted to tell me something, be honest with me. He revealed to me that he had an innocuous STD (herpes). He's had it for 8 years, no outbreaks for 2+. Initially I was shocked, if only because I've never been with anyone who has had an STD. I was also shocked that he so calmly revealed this to me. I appreciate honesty, and this was unexpected honesty that I found refreshing, if a bit "sad." It didn't change anything for me, but I am curious to hear your thoughts on how to approach this. I'm guess that this is one reason that he's been so gentleman-like with me, besides him being a nice guy in general. How to proceed? Has anyone dated anyone before with this STD and found that it affected your intimacy? Problems? No problems? Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.
MSUE Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 as far as I'm concerned I haven't been with one...hhhmmm...I'm not sure that I would not feel comfortable in bed...I don't think I'd be able to enjoy sex even with all the necessary measures in place...it would be in the back of my head to a point where i might not even get wet...I wouldn't be able to...but I have to give this guy more than credit for being so honest and open with you...
missdependant Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 STDs are common nowadays, unfortunately. A lot of people are in relationships with some sort of STD. Use protection and make sure he's treating it with medication. Not that big of a deal. I can admire his honesty. Don't do anything sexual unless and until things become serious. You will most likely end up getting it.. but I'm under the impression that with HPV going around (at least 80% of the population has it in some form or another), just about everyone is bound to get an STD at some point in their life anyway.
sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 If you get it and you guys break up, you will forever be scarred. I would suggest that you put yourself FIRST and find a guy without herpes. He can find someone who also has it and be happy with them.
Author frustrated&sad Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Thanks, MSUE and missdependant.
Author frustrated&sad Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 If you get it and you guys break up, you will forever be scarred. I would suggest that you put yourself FIRST and find a guy without herpes. He can find someone who also has it and be happy with them. Sugarmomma, You don't think that is being too judgmental? Even if it wasn't his fault and he's been living with it for years?
sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I just want you to consider thinking about yourself and your future relationships if you catch herpes from him (which you probably will). You seemed to be more concerned about him. Women tend to sacrifice so much for a man and I don't want to see your entire future affected by someone you may not last with. That's all I'm saying.
MSUE Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 girly...its a catch 22...as even if all measurements are taken you are still very likely to get it...if you are ok with that and you feel this guy is so wonderful and as close to prince charming as it gets...then i guess it might be worth it...if i felt that way about the guy I might consider it further...but that's just me
dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 OP - I strongly urge you to become educated on the matter before making a choice. Given the length of time, and if he's treating it with an anti viral, and you're using protection, the chances ARE quite slim, but that doesn't mean they are non existent. He was responsible about telling you. Which I think it a great thing. It has to take a lot of courage to tell someone. Also, I don't believe that someone with an STD should be bound to dating someone with one as well. Most people don't realize they carry HSV 1 orally. A lot of people place a stigmata with HSV 2 genitally. It's everyone's own personal choice to choose if they'd be with someone who has an STD, but a lot of people aren't fully educated before they speak their opinions. I have a friend who's had HSV 2 genitally for 5+ years, her bf doesn't have it, and they've been together for most of the time she's had it.
sumdude Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My ex wife found out she had genital herpes a couple years into our R, before we were married. She said didn't know she had it until she had a surprise outbreak (or maybe something else happened but that's a different story). People can carry it for years without symptoms and unless you ask for the specific blood test you won't know because it's not part of standard screenings. Anyhow I was with her for seven years. She was on anti virals and if she showed any signs of an outbreak we abstained. Her's were very rare. After she left me in a small way I feel like I dodged a bullet since I took the risk expecting to stay in a committed relationship. I never contracted it and now make sure that my doctor adds the HSV-2 blood test to my yearly physical. If I run into it again I'll just have to make that choice when the time comes. If someone is really worth it.. who knows?
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I think it was honorable of him to atleast tell you and give you the choice to pursue it or not. I understand it's not easy to tell someone you have an STD. Plus like dreamergrl said, i'm sure it's possible to be with someone and not contract it. Although, you may want to consider a few things like say the effects it could have down the road - i.e. pregnancy - if to say you guys stayed together or you got it..
dreamergrl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I think it was honorable of him to atleast tell you and give you the choice to pursue it or not. I understand it's not easy to tell someone you have an STD. Plus like dreamergrl said, i'm sure it's possible to be with someone and not contract it. Although, you may want to consider a few things like say the effects it could have down the road - i.e. pregnancy - if to say you guys stayed together or you got it.. As long as she doesn't contract it, it wont affect a pregnancy. If she does contract it, she can have a c section and the baby will be fine.
nyc_transplant Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 girly...its a catch 22...as even if all measurements are taken you are still very likely to get it... No, the assessment "very likely" is not true. With condoms, making sure that he wears boxers during, using medication like Valtrex (in North America), and not ****ing when he has outbreaks, the probability is lower, not zero, but lower
Thornton Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 If you get it and you guys break up, you will forever be scarred. I would suggest that you put yourself FIRST and find a guy without herpes. He can find someone who also has it and be happy with them. Um... doesn't this verge on treating people with STDs like lepers? You're basically saying that they're not fit to date, and should only date other people who also have the same STD. So basically you're saying that such people should be restricted to dating "their own kind"... and it doesn't matter how wonderful a particular person is, they should be thrown on the scrap heap because they happened to contract a virus through no fault of their own? Why don't you just go around painting red crosses on their doors and be done with it?
dreamergrl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Um... doesn't this verge on treating people with STDs like lepers? You're basically saying that they're not fit to date, and should only date other people who also have the same STD. So basically you're saying that such people should be restricted to dating "their own kind"... and it doesn't matter how wonderful a particular person is, they should be thrown on the scrap heap because they happened to contract a virus through no fault of their own? Why don't you just go around painting red crosses on their doors and be done with it? No kidding. And it's not a life threatening disease. You can't look at them and know they have it. I also highly doubt those with this STD feel 'scarred' for life. They learn how to accept it, and not let it run their lives.
silic0ntoad Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I agree. If the dude is worth it and you go about it properly, you should be ok. But the only thing you need to consider is that you MAY contract it anyway. I wouldn't fall out of love with someone if they had AIDS. I mean, they are the same person, beautiful in their own right. By being in a relationship, you are promising to care for them regardless of physical ailments. That includes STD's. As long as you are safe and knowledgable, I'd say you should be alright.
Thornton Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 AIDS is a bit different because it is a life threatening disease. I wouldn't judge someone for not wanting to have an intimate sexual relationship with a HIV/AIDS carrier. But something like herpes is a really minor virus which is carried in some form by the majority of the population, it isn't life threatening and your life isn't going to be over because you catch it. Genital herpes is the same sort of thing as a coldsore, only on the genitals instead of on the mouth. I suppose all people with coldsores should also be treated like lepers, and should only date other people with coldsores? Including children who caught it from their parents?
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