TerryB Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I was recently in short, whirlwind relationship. Myself, at the end of a divorce and sure of it. Him, kicked out some weeks ago after his wife and children found out he was out on his marriage for the past year. He mentioned so many times how "f***ed up his head was" and how I was the catalyst to showing him what he wanted, the life he wanted back and the person he wanted to be. We both have been married for over 25 yrs. My reasons are not a factor here since I have been going through this and quite sure of my position with the ending of my marriage. He not so much. He was not getting the intimacy and affection he so much desires from his wife. She has the famous quote when he tried to touch her "all you ever want is sex". She has showed no feelings for him in the past years. Out of his 27 years of marriage to her, he says the first 5 years were good. He can only claim that there were some good times in the other 22 yrs. HHhhhhmmm! We were having a great time in the last weeks, we clicked on everything and our likes were so on, it was all smooth and easy, we took a weekend out of town that was fabulous. He said I pushed his buttons in everything! He would include me in his life and his words were "if you stick with me" ... The Monday after the great weekend, he talked with his wife and they decided to give it a try. He said he loved her and hoped that she loved him and that they could make it work. He said he thinks it can work. The swapping of the divorce papers were done in anger. He wanted his family back, did not want to deal with the financial part, and he said things were done in fear. He said he would check it at 3 months and then at 6 months. During the past weeks, he went out got an apartment and kept it for this time period of them beginning to date again. He is hoping he will face his fear of telling her what he wants from her in all concerns and he is hoping that she will face her fears of giving him want he wants with affection, intimacy and sexual desires. What does anyone have to say about this? Am I crazy for still thinking about him? Can they make it work? Can she come around after all the years of putting his desires aside? Will she be able to make him happy? Will he settle and choose complacency? Will he think of me and want back the things we shared in the short amount of time. Should I contact him? Will, should, can, what do you think.... T
carhill Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 OP, sorry to say this, but the likelihood is that he will remain in his M, whether healthily or not. Have they been through MC yet? IMO, by the words you heard from him, he was arranging a backup plan, with you at the center of it. Men (and women) manipulate through language. This is why we often say on LS to watch for the words and actions to match. I will postulate (you can disprove me later) that much of what you heard was a con designed specifically for you. I'll bet even numerous 'facts' he conveyed were in fact lies. I'll tell you right now, if you go complete NC, he will attempt to contact you. Wait for that contact, and then simply tell him to not contact you again until the divorce is final and he's living completely separately in his own domicile. He's proven that he's a chain yanker and you deserve better than that. Date other men. Men other than myself, who are indeed single legally. I decided, even though emotionally detached and living separately, I would not date until legally divorced. IMO, it's a respect issue; respect for the women involved. What do you think about that philosophy?
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 It sounds like he did a serious number on you. There were probably lots of red flags though but he was probably manipulative enough to get you to overlook them. I know you got emotionally invested but really try to look at the big picture of how badly he treated and used you. It's very painful, I know, but it's best in the longrun. You deserve better! Carhill gave some excellent advice.
sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 OP, it sounds like what he wants is simply an affair and not necessarily a divorce. I would not contact him. Move on with your life. The reality is that he is still married and wants to work on it. You deserve more, and if he can't give it to you, let him go. You deserve more than someone else's husband, don't you think?
Recommended Posts