knewbetter23 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I am at my end. And when someone hurts me, I let them know. But I can't do that with my ex. I've been told NOT to do that with my ex. But thought maybe a good place to get this out could be where I just another IP address, and not embarrass myself in front of anyone I know. I know I need help getting through this. I just... am exhausted at this point. Here goes: ____________________ I didn't sleep again last night. 4 months later you are still tossing me around. This time its just in my dreams. And I woke up emotionally dissolved, as if you were right here, bottle in hand, and "jokes" ready. I hate you. I am told hate is dangerous and that I should let go. Hate is still holding on. This is true. There are days where I am as optimistic and sure as I used to be. I can see ahead of me, and it is bright, luscious even. But then an obstacle comes along, and another form of your abuse must be undone. And its as if the darkest and most violent of storm clouds are rolling over my life again, and I am in the middle, still alone, still fighting. But you aren't here to keep me down, and it does feel good that I do fight out of it, but God damn you for doing this to me in the first place. For three years, I was the one constant. When you thought you could go no further, and when you thought there was nothing else, I brought you to light. Encouraged you to work, go back to school, believe in yourself, forgive yourself and restore your relationships with your family. Be a better person. Be happy, not depressed. Forgive yourself, let go, etc. I was so kind to you. But I guess that's what we both fed on. I fed on helping you, eventually making you the man you wanted to be. As if that man would finally be the one that could make me happy again. I always knew better. I knew better. Everyday that I got on that train to see you, because you would never come to see me, every time - everyday when- I caved in to your push and put the bottle to my mouth, the bubbler to my mouth, every hour I waited for you to call, write, text, talk, see me instead of a video game or a show you downloaded, taking you back after you threw me around and pinned me down that night— every time — i hated myself a little more. I am better than this. Than you. And you knew I hated myself, and knew the more I hated and loved to help, the more you could get out of me. It was easy to make smiles every 100 miles, because it gave you 99 to **** up completely. I gave you that room, I guess. But you didn't have to abuse me and take them. And you didn't have to go as ****ing nuts as you did. The racial slurs, the drinking- GOD the drinking, the lying about the big and the small (after all, seriously, you faked BOTH cancer and a tumor), the female friends you would hide, and the ones you didn't hide so well at all (how could you cheat on me THAT many times- how did I forgive/believe you that many times), the bruises you left on my body during sex despite my tears and crying against them, saying my beautiful body is beyond its proportions, all the time you ignored me, the time you denied me, and the time you spent being as selfish as possible.... I write this and think, why was I even with you. The person I was with you is the complete opposite outside of this, and so much so it would blow/ and blew everyone i know's minds. I am so much stronger than this. I am constantly being told how I am beautiful, and smart and brilliant. And you said the complete opposite — and I believed you. I still struggle with not believing you. Why tear someone who was kind to you down with those things? I was never mean. That was never warranted. Why? I could go on, with the list of things you did. And you would go on of course denying them. When a friend suggested you were a sociopath, and I looked up the definition, I wasn't surprised you hit every bullet. I am surprised, however that I put up with it. Reading that was like falling from a tree and hitting every branch on the way down. I just hate that I still have to recover, after you. I have to move forward now, there are things I NEED to and WANT TO do with my life and I'm filled with so much doubt that I can't see straight. Its palpable. And without rest. You just abused me cause you could, and you just took because you needed. And the only thing you left me with is poison. How am I suppose to not hate that? And the sick thing is, I want to be connected to you, in ear shot, because I want to see if you get it back. I want you to get it all back, and for it to hurt 1000x more. I almost took my own life because you made me believe, think and sink that low. You pushed me lower than you to make yourself feel that much more powerful. Yet I was the one with the career, the money, the awards, establishment, the joy, the togetherness. But I guess I'm the one whose out of your world now. And your not. So maybe I am ahead. Cause no matter what you say to anyone, you're still you. And that's a pretty dark place. And I hope, I guess, you stay lost in that for a long time. Cause I feel like you deserve it. I no longer wish for your best. I hate you. I really really hate you. And now I still hate myself for putting up with this for so long. And every time I think of you or say your name, I hate myself a little more too. I don't want to endure any more. I was good to you. I put up with enough. At this point —this is not fair.
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