weeble78 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Partner and I were together 7 years (I'm 31 he's 27) and own a house. Relationship was rocky over last 6 months or so and we became further away from each other. I discovered several days ago he has been having an emotional affair with a girl at work for maybe two months and it looks like tipping into a physical affair. I immediately left when discovering the emails and he called twice but I ignored them. The next day he called me, saying it had only just started getting to the whole sexual point. He relayed all the things I had done in the relationship to upset him, apologised for upsetting me and said he just wants to be on his own for a while, to grow up. I was crying and couldn't breathe, he was very calm. Background is three months ago he started a new job where they're all 20 and go out constantly. He has joined in. This girl is 19 years old, smokes weed (he's against anything to do with smoking). They've been texting and IM'ing for at least two months - mostly talking about crap, saying they want to be together. She's been doing dirty stuff on web cam for him, he's been encouraging her and talking about sex mostly. For the last month we were together we'd had a little break and decided to try and get it back together, planning the future, taking breaks away etc. I feel like I've snapped, but I need opinions please - I might be crazy but if I contributed to him feeling miserable in the relationship, is there any way he might come back to me? If you want any more history, I have several posts from the last two years. I honestly feel like I'm dying from the inside out - what hurts the most is that he hasn't been on the phone begging me to talk to him, he hasn't even cried. I feel like something worse than nothing and don't know if I can ever get over this. This was the man I'd planned to marry - it feels like I cannot go on.
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 And here beginneth the healing process. Cut him off, receive no more contact from him, block him and concentrate on you. If he's got problems being faithful, having affairs and knowing where he's at - that's exactly what they are. His problems. he's screwed up and screwing up. You're the one who's fine, and him telling you everything you did wrong in the relationship, is really, really rich. It's bull. He relayed all the things I had done in the relationship to upset him if everything was so wrong, why didn't he say so before now? Cowardly creep. You seem to be in a situation where actuslly, if you think about it, he's done you a favour. Smoking weed? On-line sex? Good riddance, by the sound of it. Have nothing more to do with him. he is carpeting his mind with wall-to-wall problems. let him vacuum.
Ingenue Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Weeble, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have to agree with TaraMaiden here. Regardless of whether he consummated the cheating in a physical sense with the girl is irrelevant. He was webcamming and encouraging another woman to disrobe and perform sexual acts while still in a relationship with you. That is a betrayal of your trust and your relationship. While I don't believe this, some do say that cheating is not necessarily the dealbreaker for relationships. I'm of the firm belief that once a cheater always a cheater. But, a more moderate argument has been made for those who give cheaters a second chance that there are a number of reasons people cheat (insecurity, a lack in life, stressful situations). The difference between those cheaters and your ex (based on your post) is that there is usually genuine remorse and guilt over harming the other partner. Rather, your ex is putting the blame on you by stating all the things you supposedly did in the relationship to upset him. That's not a partner who is fully communicating with you. That's a manboy who is not owning up to his mistakes. He's absolving himself of any responsibility for his actions. His apology, insincere at best, is not about his betrayal for cheating on you or the act of acting, but rather because he upset you, the consequence. How is that taking responsibility? As painful as this advice may sound, I think you should let him grow up and move on with your life. I know that you intended to marry him but you seriously need to think whether this man, the man who assuages his own sense of guilt by blaming you, is a man that you want to spend your life with. If it were me, I'd never contact him again except to settle the matter of the house and I'd cut him out of my life forever. I'd consider it a blessing that I saw his character before I committed to him and I'd be thankful that I'm now free to find a partner who is emotionally more mature than someone who wants to hang around with 20 year olds and smoke pot while watching another woman do sexual acts on a webcam Good luck *hugs*
Author weeble78 Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 So even though there has been a lot of pressure on him (i.e. me being ill for three months off work and lying on the sofa every day, me talking down to him for being sick of him not paying the bills, arguing) - does anyone think that this might have led him to look for attention elsewhere and it might possibly be me who is partly to blame? Or is this stupid as he should be in front of me now begging me for forgiveness? I put him down a lot after the first year of money problems and his constant running away from it and lying, I made him cry and didn't comfort him, I didn't support him when he needed me too. It seems like a terrible set of circumstances to me, and now he's telling everyone he doesn't want to be in a relationship for a long time and wants to be alone. I just wish I could mend it - am I wrong? I miss his arms around me at night, the meals he used to cook for me, the times he'd make me toast and cut hearts out of it, get me chocolate from the shop when I had a craving.....why does my heart feel like it's dead and he's not crying????????????
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 So even though there has been a lot of pressure on him (i.e. me being ill for three months off work and lying on the sofa every day, me talking down to him for being sick of him not paying the bills, arguing) - does anyone think that this might have led him to look for attention elsewhere and it might possibly be me who is partly to blame? No, absolutely, completely, totally entirely no way were you to blame. Whilst it is true that everybody in a relationship is 50% responsible for the effort and commitment they contribute, he made his choices. Nobody held a gun to his head, and for him to try to apportion the blame elsewhere for his own choice of actions, is entirely his fault, and he is to blame. A marriage or partnership means an equal input. if he had problems with it, he should have voiced his concerns and discussed them with you - not coerced and enticed another woman to spread 'em for him. Please!! Or is this stupid as he should be in front of me now begging me for forgiveness? I put him down a lot after the first year of money problems and his constant running away from it and lying, I made him cry and didn't comfort him, I didn't support him when he needed me too. It seems like a terrible set of circumstances to me, and now he's telling everyone he doesn't want to be in a relationship for a long time and wants to be alone. Why comfort somebody who's a liar and now a cheater? Why comfort somebody who quite obviously doesn't face his responsibilities and deal with them, but runs away and looks for solace in the arms of another woman? You're kidding....right? I just wish I could mend it - am I wrong? Up to him, not you. I miss his arms around me at night, the meals he used to cook for me, the times he'd make me toast and cut hearts out of it, get me chocolate from the shop when I had a craving.....why does my heart feel like it's dead and he's not crying???????????? I know. That's the worst part. but you need to find love with someone who will love you no matter what, not only when the sun shines....
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