sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I met this guy and he seemed fairly normal went on a couple dates and had a good time. He mentioned over the phone that he was divorced almost 10 years but he seemed to be wounded by the breakup (i.e. the fact that he mentioned her after all this time). I have only been divorced 3 months and rarely even think about my x let alone bring him up. So one day we're at his house and he tells me that the x wife got pregnant with another mans baby which led to the divorce. I ask him if he has forgiven her and if he is still bitter. He says that he doesn't think he will ever forgive her. I have to stop seeing this guy because he has all this unfinished business with her that he may start to take out on me. He has acted a lil flaky a couple times (i,e saying he's gonna call at a certain time and doesn't). Not to mention his daughter with her is 11 and she is still with the man she cheated with. He doesn't mention having another long term r since the marriage. This is just a prime example of when people hold on to bitterness and un-forgiveness when they have been hurt before or betrayed. It just seeps into other relationships. I can't be with someone unforgiving because that just says to me that if I hurt him by accident he will have a hard time forgiving me too. My friends say that he is damaged goods.
JohnP82 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Maybe he has a hard time forgiving her because every time he picks up his daughter (probably the only positive from the marriage) he is reminded of the betrayal (the dude that knocked her up). People always talk about forgiveness but it's a lot easier said than done. He may have a hard time forgiving you too if you accidently cheat on him and get pregnant.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Thats not true. he's telling you becausehe' opening up to you. He's letting his guard down. He's not gonna take it out on you. he wants you to know his pain and what he's been through. I was put through the ringer too by my ex, but I dont take it out on any females. period... He's trying hard to move on. why dont you be a woman , and be his emotional support and give him reassurance. Dont you females always complain when the men arent sensitive enough? here you have a man letting you know his pain and is saying that because he wants you to emotionally back him up!!! DUH!
Woggle Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 When a man does everything men are told we should do and is still betrayed it hurts deep. You probably are better off not seeing him but I certainly understand where he is coming from.
Scottdmw Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 How bitter is he really about it? I mean, when he talked about it did he act bitter, or did he just say the words matter-of-factly? I could see a man saying what he said but meaning that he still thinks what the person did was wrong and is not going to say it's right. He may have forgiven it in the sense that it doesn't have a hold over his heart, he's not angry about it, but he's not willing to condone it. Sometimes people might have a different idea of exactly what the word forgiveness means. I would make sure that you know which it is before you dump him. Scott
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 How bitter is he really about it? I mean, when he talked about it did he act bitter, or did he just say the words matter-of-factly? I could see a man saying what he said but meaning that he still thinks what the person did was wrong and is not going to say it's right. He may have forgiven it in the sense that it doesn't have a hold over his heart, he's not angry about it, but he's not willing to condone it. Sometimes people might have a different idea of exactly what the word forgiveness means. I would make sure that you know which it is before you dump him. Scott I was wondering the same thing.
dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Bitter would be ranting and raving about it. He does not seem to be doing this from your post.
BUENG1 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I met this guy and he seemed fairly normal went on a couple dates and had a good time. He mentioned over the phone that he was divorced almost 10 years but he seemed to be wounded by the breakup (i.e. the fact that he mentioned her after all this time). I have only been divorced 3 months and rarely even think about my x let alone bring him up. So one day we're at his house and he tells me that the x wife got pregnant with another mans baby which led to the divorce. I ask him if he has forgiven her and if he is still bitter. He says that he doesn't think he will ever forgive her. I have to stop seeing this guy because he has all this unfinished business with her that he may start to take out on me. He has acted a lil flaky a couple times (i,e saying he's gonna call at a certain time and doesn't). Not to mention his daughter with her is 11 and she is still with the man she cheated with. He doesn't mention having another long term r since the marriage. This is just a prime example of when people hold on to bitterness and un-forgiveness when they have been hurt before or betrayed. It just seeps into other relationships. I can't be with someone unforgiving because that just says to me that if I hurt him by accident he will have a hard time forgiving me too. My friends say that he is damaged goods. So your worried that if you "by mistake" you have an affair and get pregnant by another man that we won't forgive you and he will divorce you? If you tell him concerns I'm sure he won't be crushed about the breakup. Your free to date or not date whoever you want of course. Some things people don't forgive, and people aren't entitled to forgiveness.
AlektraClementine Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 You know, I've heard stories about people (namely a lot of women) who've been cheated on in past relationships. They are burned and understandably very cautious and a little more alert to the little things. He likely is telling the truth. He probably never will forget what she did. Who would? Has he exhibited any tendencies toward anger or mistrust in you? Like the other posters have suggested, is it possible he's just opening up? The other issue of him not calling when he said he would....that's a no-no in my book, as well. People should follow through with their commitments. Even if it's just a phone call. Did he offer an explanation for that? Is it a pattern or an isolated incident?
lino Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 He probably is damaged goods. If something like that ever happened to me I wouldn't forgive either and I'd definitely never marry again! if I hurt him by accident he will have a hard time forgiving me too. How do you hurt someone by accident?
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 He probably is damaged goods. If something like that ever happened to me I wouldn't forgive either and I'd definitely never marry again! How do you hurt someone by accident? You can hurt someone by accident by doing something you didn't realize would hurt them. I do actually think he is damaged goods and carrying a lot of baggage. But again it depends on how often he focuses on the ex-w.
lino Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 You can hurt someone by accident by doing something you didn't realize would hurt them. do you have an example?
Author sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 You know, I've heard stories about people (namely a lot of women) who've been cheated on in past relationships. They are burned and understandably very cautious and a little more alert to the little things. He likely is telling the truth. He probably never will forget what she did. Who would? Has he exhibited any tendencies toward anger or mistrust in you? Like the other posters have suggested, is it possible he's just opening up? The other issue of him not calling when he said he would....that's a no-no in my book, as well. People should follow through with their commitments. Even if it's just a phone call. Did he offer an explanation for that? Is it a pattern or an isolated incident? I don't think that he was just opening up. He seemed sort of prideful when he said it and not so much like he was being vulnerable. I think I know the difference. Often when we talked on the phone he would ask me where I was. He wanted to go out a couple days ago and I told him I thought I was getting sick with a cold. I don't think he believed me and then he turned cold. He usually calls me every morning with a "good morning baby" but he didn't call all day and when I asked if he was upset with me he said "no". The next day he could tell by my voice that I was actually sick and said that he felt bad for being selfish. He asked what I was taking and I said that I had just ran out. He did not offer to bring me a care package until I asked. He said that he was picking his daughter up for the holiday and that he would try to stop by and that he would call in a couple hours. Did not call until like 7 hours later. Then text me this morning asking if I was awake. I have not answered any of his calls or texts. His goose is cooked. Mind you this is a guy that was absolutely smitten 3 weeks ago. A man who shows care and concern is paramount for me. I never would have guessed that he was an *******. Just goes to show when you need someone that's when you know where you stand with them. Glad that I didn't give him any.
Author sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I can't be with someone unforgiving because that just says to me that if I hurt him by accident he will have a hard time forgiving me too. . I guess I should have used the word disappoint instead of hurt by accident. Sorry. All of the feedback has been really helpful. LS to the rescue.
dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I don't think it's fair to hold it against him that he was picking up his daughter and didn't contact you. Perhaps they were having some bonding time? If you don't like that, then don't date a guy with kids. And so what if he didn't offer to bring you a care package. People can't read minds. Then you asked, and he brought it to you. Me, I think you're just making up excuses to validate not seeing him any more, for whatever the reason is. I think he is picking up on this, and this is why he's not so smitten with you. As for being damaged goods, I don't think so. He just let you know something about himself. He's not going on and on about it. And so what if he doesn't feel like forgiving someone. That's his choice.
Author sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Thats not true. he's telling you becausehe' opening up to you. He's letting his guard down. He's not gonna take it out on you. he wants you to know his pain and what he's been through. I was put through the ringer too by my ex, but I dont take it out on any females. period... He's trying hard to move on. why dont you be a woman , and be his emotional support and give him reassurance. Dont you females always complain when the men arent sensitive enough? here you have a man letting you know his pain and is saying that because he wants you to emotionally back him up!!! DUH! I didn't take his comment as him opening up. He seemed really bitter and prideful and not vulnerable at all. I have no problem supporting a man that is trying to overcome a huge betrayal like this but I didn't get the sense that he wanted to forgive her. I explained to him that forgiveness is not for the other person but to help him move forward in having trusting and loving relationships. He listened but that was it. Glad to hear that you are no longer bitter. I really think we have to chose whether after being seriously hurt if we will get bitter or better. I know how hard forgiveness is and it took me a long time. I just can't allow anyone to work out their unfinished business on my time.
Author sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I don't think it's fair to hold it against him that he was picking up his daughter and didn't contact you. Perhaps they were having some bonding time? If you don't like that, then don't date a guy with kids. And so what if he didn't offer to bring you a care package. People can't read minds. Then you asked, and he brought it to you. Me, I think you're just making up excuses to validate not seeing him any more, for whatever the reason is. I think he is picking up on this, and this is why he's not so smitten with you. As for being damaged goods, I don't think so. He just let you know something about himself. He's not going on and on about it. And so what if he doesn't feel like forgiving someone. That's his choice. You have it all wrong dreamer. He didn't come to bring me the care package after he said that he would. Don't you want someone to show care or concern when you are ill? It has nothing to do with him having kids. Every man I date has kids. I didn't want a visit, I just need some things to get better. He could have just dropped them at the door.
dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 You have it all wrong dreamer. He didn't come to bring me the care package after he said that he would. Don't you want someone to show care or concern when you are ill? It has nothing to do with him having kids. Every man I date has kids. I didn't want a visit, I just need some things to get better. He could have just dropped them at the door. He was with this daughter for crying out loud. You're a big girl, you could go get some things to get better on your own. Yes, it's nice to have someone show you they care, but you can't expect it or demand it.
Kamille Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Glad to hear that you are no longer bitter. I really think we have to chose whether after being seriously hurt if we will get bitter or better. I know how hard forgiveness is and it took me a long time. I just can't allow anyone to work out their unfinished business on my time. Well I think this is the core issue. You feel you don't share the same attitudes towards mental well-being and so you are cutting your losses. Sometimes we know instinctively when something is off and it sounds like that's what you're doing.
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 do you have an example? People misinterpret or have miscommunications all the time. I can't think of a specific example right now.
Author sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 He was with this daughter for crying out loud. You're a big girl, you could go get some things to get better on your own. Yes, it's nice to have someone show you they care, but you can't expect it or demand it. Maybe you are okay with rude or inconsiderate behavior but I am not. His behavior was totally unacceptable. No One Blows me off.... Maybe You but not me.. I expect to be treated with care and concern. He said he was coming but didn't. That is not okay with me. I don't care is Queen Elizabeth came to town. Sorry. I read your post about some guy blowing you off twice and you still being interested. I am not that girl. No offense.
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Well, if he seems bitter and prideful and is not keeping his word then you did the right thing. I believe that if you're going to be intimate (emotional, physical, etc.) that it should be with someone who shows they care and that they respect you. It also should not be with someone who apparently needs a lot of fixing. JMO
Author sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Well I think this is the core issue. You feel you don't share the same attitudes towards mental well-being and so you are cutting your losses. Sometimes we know instinctively when something is off and it sounds like that's what you're doing. Kamille, you totally get me!! I just can't believe that he had the audacity to call last night leaving a message that he's sorry he couldn't make it. Hello!!! He could have called sooner. I am so glad that I wasn't truly waiting for him. And he had the nerve to text this morning saying "hey babe. call me when you get up" Okay, right!! I wouldn't suggest that he hold his breath. This is a prime example of when a man tries to manage down a woman's (reasonable) expectations.
dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Maybe you are okay with rude or inconsiderate behavior but I am not. His behavior was totally unacceptable. No One Blows me off.... Maybe You but not me.. I expect to be treated with care and concern. He said he was coming but didn't. That is not okay with me. I don't care is Queen Elizabeth came to town. Sorry. I read your post about some guy blowing you off twice and you still being interested. I am not that girl. No offense. Sorry but I'm not dating him any longer, as I said if he did it one more time, he'd be gone. So no, I'm not someone who is okay with inconsiderate behavior. However.. If the man wants to spend time with his CHILD daughter, he probably assumed his GROWN girlfriend could take care of herself for the day. It's not as if he made plans with you to do something. If he had baggage, you'd be hearing a lot more bitching from him about the event that led to the divorce.
JohnP82 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 You sound really demanding. I don't know who I should feel sorry for. Why don't you actually return his calls and communicate what has made you so mad.
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