Littledeer23 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Hi I'm new to this forum. My name is Brett I've been married for one year and 8 months but been together for almost three years. Me and my wife are both twenty years old and we have a seventeen month old son together. But as of right now we are going through a seperation. Here's how it came about: We had a mini seperation prior to this one. That was about a two weeks ago, she stayed with her mom for a couples days before I got her to come back. Now everything seemed okay up until Saturday night. She texted me after she got off work asking if she could go hang out with her friend for her friends birthday. I told her no. Then she told me that she was gonna go anyways and drop the car off at the house. I got pissed and waited for her to come drop the car off. When she arrived I told her, she couldn't hang out because our son was sick and she got mad at me. Well I'm not goin lie this particular fight we had got a little physical because I thought she was talking to someone else as in cheating. So i took her phone to look through it and she kind of got defensive with it saying that her personal life is in the phone. She was hitting me and I was grabbing her trying to control her. I have a short temper and she knows how ignite it. Well when she said that about her personal life I lost and broke her phone. She also told me that I'm a loser because I don't like to go out but I do like to go out we just never have money to do things like we use to. I look at it now I should have controlled myself better. Well next day after she got off work she got her clothes, just clothes to go stay at her moms. I pleaded her to stay but she went. She said she still had feelings for but I wasn't going anywhere to make things better for us. Being the first time this has happened to me I didn't know how to cope with it...so I kept pushing for reconciliation for couple days into seperation. But I read a lot about just giving time and have done that here lately. But today I found out that she, her sister and her bf got a apartment and she doesn't want anybody to know where she lives, even when I asked if she wanted to see our son she wouldn't tell me. So I'm a little worried about what that means?
LisaUk Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Hi Brett Sounds like you already know that your behaviour during the fight went too far? Yes, you were provoked, your w hit you and you know you have a temper, but you also know that breaking someones possessions is not right. It's good that you are aware of this and can take responsiblity for it. You may find it helps to do some reading about anger management and forms of emotional abuse? With regards to your w, the best thing to do right now is give her space. Just communicate with her about your son and work on your anger issues. Improving yourself will show her that you are willing and able to make permanant healthy changes. Google divorce busting and get the list of the 180's off the website, try your best to follow these. You are correct, begging, pleading etc will only push her further away. We all did it! It's a natural instinct to try and hang on to those you love and not want to hurt them either. Keep posting, we're listening.
Auroracoladybug Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Hey Brett...First and foremost read up on doing a 180 (hard with a child I know read my posts because I have a 2yr old)...sounds like she does want to reconcile and don't beg or get involved or it will hurt you more, you never should tell anyone no to anything unless they are in danger...she has to be able to willingly make her own decisions...when you said no to her going out you should have said "can I join? or "ok I hape you come home soon because I miss you" but it sounds like this is all in the past...Honestly it all doesn't matter your baby comes first and you have made that your priority as it should be... Keep posting...I feel like my H just left and doesn't really care about the baby (see my posts Fights, Separation, Past and a 2 year old) but I am falling apart because he has him for the whole holiday weekend and my little boy is the only thing that keeps the gas going in this mommy to make our lives better...
Author Littledeer23 Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I would like to thank you both for the advise. I just got back from visiting with my grandparents and they both show real concern for the both of us. My grandpa, he wants to come down sometime this week and sit down with the both of us and talk about whats going on? Another thing is I asked my mother in law if she was okay with me talking to her one on one, surprisingling she agreed to it. I just want to know if that will effect whats goin on between me and my wife. Because I would hate to have my son go back and forth between parents.
Auroracoladybug Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 little you can get others involved only if she is okay with that...keep us posted! I think you both can make it if you both want it and keep your eye on that baby first and foremost if the focus isn't on your happiness then the baby grows up in that... 1. take care of you so you can take care of baby 2. take care of baby 3. the rest of the world doesn't matter but that baby (including the other parent if the baby is not the priority!) good luck!
Author Littledeer23 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 First off I would like to thank you all for the advice and support. Well me and my wife spent most of the day together. We talked about what had happened and what was going to happen. All she wants is time, time for me to meet her expectations. Although we're still seperated we're going to keep in contact with each other and ocassionally have nights for just the three of us. This isn't just for our sake but for our son. We also made promises to each other as far as supporting each other and not seeing anybody in between seperation. Made my day a whole lot better knowing I that she still loves me and is giving me that chance to redeem myself.
Enema Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 What exactly are her expectations? How does she expect you to redeem yourself? What did you both agree she has to work on?
In_Repair Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Her personal life is in that phone? Does your carrier use SIM cards? If so, get the card and put it in another phone... see what her "personal life" is all about.
phineas Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 She could just be immature however I can't imagine a mother wanting to go out when her baby is home sick. OH wait, my wife did that. She was cheating on me. Her new boyfriend was more important than our childs welfare.
Author Littledeer23 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Well I've been the lazy type. I've been out of work for a good couple months now and she's been wanting to progress in life as far as having our own place and stuff of the nature. We had an apartment together about 2 years ago, but we fell in debt and my mother was generous enough to let us move in and fix ours problems. I guess she wants to me to do is to show her that I have steady job and that I can control my own life. It's mainly me, as far as expectations go. She's got a good head. I just need to find my true potential self.
SRV Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Well I've been the lazy type. I've been out of work for a good couple months now and she's been wanting to progress in life as far as having our own place and stuff of the nature. We had an apartment together about 2 years ago, but we fell in debt and my mother was generous enough to let us move in and fix ours problems. I guess she wants to me to do is to show her that I have steady job and that I can control my own life. It's mainly me, as far as expectations go. She's got a good head. I just need to find my true potential self. Find your "true potential" for you and not for her, and not because you are in this situation, then it will be more worthwhile and long lasting.
LisaUk Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hi Little Sounds like things have improved a bit? You're both still very young and I guess that's why you w wanted to go out when her baby was sick and why you told her she couldn't. The fact is you can never tell someone what to do, but you are right, she should want to be home when her child is sick. She has work to do to better herself also!
seibert253 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Find your "true potential" for you and not for her, and not because you are in this situation, then it will be more worthwhile and long lasting. This is SO TRUE. Don't do this for her, do it for you. Dude there are red flags waving all over the place. The fact she didn't want you to look at her phone means one thing; there's something or somethings in there she doen't want you to see. Trust your gut, it's usually always right. If you think she's cheating, she probably is. The proof was, and still is, in her phone. IMO you need to approach this slowly, and do not trust everything she tells you. She left for a reason and I'll bet the bank it's not just to "find herself" or because she "needs space". Let me tell you this from experience, when a woman says she "needs space" it equals another man. Do your homework, don't be her patsy.
Author Littledeer23 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 Find your "true potential" for you and not for her, and not because you are in this situation, then it will be more worthwhile and long lasting. Yeah thats what I'm doing. I've already set goals for myself.
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