icyness Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Well, I don't even know what to think do or say now. Today I thought I'd take a chance and send a happy nice text to my ex. I was incredibly happy to say the least when he actually texted me back. It was like nothing changed, he was his old sweet self, I couldn't believe it. This didn't last long. I knew it was probably dumb, but I casually asked if he had a girlfriend. I assured him I'd be fine with it and I just wanted to know. He kept avoiding it for like an hour... but finally answered "yes I do." I said "so you left me for someone else, why couldn't you just be honest, I asked you several times, why didn't you just tell me?" The last thing he said was "I have nothing else to say to you at this point." I of course went off and said a bunch of other texts I shouldn't have, but then about half an hour later I said "I didn't mean any of the other texts; just absorbing the shock of it. I wish you nothing but the best. Good luck with her (his name)." Oh. My. God. I feel like I'm dying inside. This whole time I knew, I just KNEW it was someone else. But to actually hear them confirm it is just..Oh my god. WHY do they lie about it? I asked a million times when he left if it was someone else and he was adamant it was not. He lied this whole time. Everyone was right how it just brings up a million other questions because now I just want to know more and more...I feel like I can't breathe. I just want to disappear. Why do they do this.
BW007 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 ICY- It is me again. You already knew this crap. Now it is just real. It totally sucks. All the questions come to one thing..."Why did I lose you?" or WTF... This is so painful but I am telling you your instincts already knew he was a liar. Remember what I said last night. He is not that great.And why on earth do you think you only deserve a one sided relationship? Can you kick him to the curb now?
GrayClouds Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Being honest honest make them feel guilty and takes some of the fun out of the new relationship. It also forces them to be honest with themselves and they do like to admit they are *********s. Get a pen and paper and start writing until you can't write any more. Get through tonight and No Contact from here on out. Time for you to heal no more picking at the scab. Be kind to yourself
xpaperxcutx Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 A clear confirmation is better than second guessing yourself. Knowing the answer lets you know that now you have a reason to never associate yourself with him again and more importantly, focus on yourself.
Author icyness Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Thanks you guys; I just feel like I'm in a blender right now. Just, wow, yeah. Well just when I thought he'd be happy to get rid of me, he texts me again saying "he's sorry I'm hurting, he wants us to be friends, and when he's ready to talk, I'll hear from him." What do I make of this? Is it all guilt or does he truly want to be my friend? I'm so lost.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Thanks you guys; I just feel like I'm in a blender right now. Just, wow, yeah. Well just when I thought he'd be happy to get rid of me, he texts me again saying "he's sorry I'm hurting, he wants us to be friends, and when he's ready to talk, I'll hear from him." What do I make of this? Is it all guilt or does he truly want to be my friend? I'm so lost. It confirms his need to make himself feel less guilty but also demonstrates just how selfish he is. The last point where he writes you'll hear from him is enough to make anybody angry. This is no longer about him but you, because you were betrayed. You are entitled to get angry, hurt, upset, etc. The important thing is to not keep everything inside. Ask yourself do you want to be his friend? Considering the way he has treated you, he doesn't in the least deserve your friendship. Don't expect him to change because he will always seek a way to justify his behaviour, and by becoming his friend you will reinforce that what he had done wasn't a bad thing. Stick to NC, and ignore, ignore, ignore. The next few days will be particularly hard on you because you're still confused and you'll be tempted to contact him. Don't. If you have to cry, please do so, and if you need someone to talk to or confide in, do come on LS. There will be more than enough support to help you get through this. Remember, it's about you now, and how you can eventually heal from all this.
Author icyness Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Thank you xpaperxcutx; you're a doll. Well, I thought I did want to be his friend, but I honestly don't know if I can. I thought to myself this whole time that even if it was really someone else, I'd do anything just to be in his life as his friend. Now that my fear has been confirmed though, I don't know, it feels too different; not sure if I can be.
Serena2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Thanks you guys; I just feel like I'm in a blender right now. Just, wow, yeah. Well just when I thought he'd be happy to get rid of me, he texts me again saying "he's sorry I'm hurting, he wants us to be friends, and when he's ready to talk, I'll hear from him." What do I make of this? Is it all guilt or does he truly want to be my friend? I'm so lost. Icy -- I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better!! His text is so selfish!! He's trying to assuage his guilt to serve himself not to help you. If he was primarily thinking about how he hurt you, he wouldn't be saying "when he's ready to talk, you'll hear from him." It's all about him. What a selfish a$$clown!! Thank God that you can now finally start to see him for what he truly is now rather than after you'd become even more deeply involved. Regarding the friendship thing, what friend of yours has ever said you'll hear from them when they're ready to talk!! His text reeks of narcissism!! You're better than this. I know it's tough right now but in time you'll look back and say, WHEW, thank God I got out of that one!! Go NC and DON'T answer any of his texts or his calls. Post here instead. Be strong!!
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 He's a coward ICY... stop contacting him. He does not care about you. I'll talk to you when i want? that sounds to me like his ego is massive and he's basically gonna do what he wants. Leave him alone and do a favor loose his number. He left you for someone else because he was a coward instead of doing things the right way. he's a coward.no honest bone in his body.
Ingenue Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Icy, I know exactly how you feel. My ex of 5 years dumped me via email stating that he just didn't feel it anymore. After 5+ months of NC, I spoke to him again and he admitted that he was actually already dating another woman when he dumped me. I know for sure there was emotional cheating and I suspect physical cheating (but no concrete proof). I cried for 2 days straight afterwards because it just felt like another betrayal. I always thought he was honest. He was only honest if it didn't jeopardize his own warped self-image as a man of integrity. People don't admit their actions and own up to them because they want to assuage their own sense of guilt. Your ex is a coward and a liar. He doesn't deserve your friendship or any other contact you give him. Be thankful that you know the type of man he is now and realize that you deserve so much better than him
Author icyness Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Ingenue, I am so sorry you went through that. It's insanity how many people do this to others, and it never stops! You only hear more awful generic situations such as this, never less. How unfortunate it all is; what has become of people and honesty. Thanks you guys, I know you're all more than right. It just hurts so bad; I want to talk to him, but then again I don't. I guess that's what I'm struggling with most is he wasn't ever a liar; he was so good about all of that..up until now. That's what really sucks is it doesn't really matter how good they were to you for however long, this one move seems to negate all of that and just makes you wonder if that was really them all along; he's a stranger to me now. I feel like I never knew him. I'm trying to let it all sink in, but it just feel so unreal. I don't know even know how to think at this juncture.
Ingenue Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Icyness, thanks for your well wishes. This happened to me about a year ago and I'm in such a good emotional space now. We do get through it and you will you too. The feelings you're writing about are bang on. What you've remembered most is that last betrayal that your ex committed. It doesn't matter how great a guy he was prior to that, or even how well he treated you. The test of any person is whether the person conducts him/herself with dignity when it counts, even if that means doing and saying the hard thing. I know that exact feeling of being completely out of sorts; it's very disorienting. You do need time to absorb it and process it and you will, when you're ready. But believe me, you will get through this and you'll come out a better person.
Broseph Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Hey Icy, Didnt see this post before but so sorry that you have to endure further pain, he doesn sound like the nicest person to me. I really dont like the last text you sent about wishing her the best, cause i know you really dont mean that. Anyways, sometimes people lie to protect you but I dont see this as the case. This guy is super selfish and doesnt know what he wants. The truth is anyone who is willing to throw away someone they love, without trying to work it out is plain foolish. There is right ways to do some things and there is wrong ways, this is a wrong one. How have the last few days treated you?
mimiminx Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I'm so sorry!!! I can't imagine how much that hurt you to find out. He did tell you, although he should have told you long before if that was the case. I"m so sorry. Now you know that you have a good reason to move forward and away from this relationship. Please remember as much as things may be painful they happen for a reason. Take care of yourself..
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Why, oh why did you even take the chance...? You silly-billy! Now look what you did.
t0ri Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Well just when I thought he'd be happy to get rid of me, he texts me again saying "he's sorry I'm hurting, he wants us to be friends, and when he's ready to talk, I'll hear from him." What do I make of this? Is it all guilt or does he truly want to be my friend? What a jerk. You need to put yourself first and care less about what he wants. Do what you need to do in order to maintain some sanity and dignity - which would be strict NC, in my opinion. At least you know you two are over for good, no false hope lingering around. I'm so sorry you're going through this... I know just how you feel. (((hugs))) I have some good news though - this feeling of unbearable pain, is temporary! Time is your best friend now, along with NC. Chin up. The new chick can now deal with this savage! You've been there, done that, and now you're onto better things - a life without this douche!
Bobby2010 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Yep. Gutless coward. It's too inconvenient for these idiots to tell us there's someone else. What was his original excuse? I can't remember.
Darren09 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 i just wanna add that this has happened to me. I dont understand why they dont just be honest and say they are with someone else after all they have left n are not coming back. deep inside they know there in wrong i think there ashamed to admit it. i got constantly blammed for the break up and all along i new she was with someone else. confronted her all time she would deny it. pointless really some people arggghhhhh could kill em
Nedved Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 This guy sounds a total clown and at least you know now to ignore him in the future and you see him for what he really is ven though i know your in so much pain but it'l get better. Human instinct made you ask the question if he's got a girlfriend and you were'nt ready for that answer. 6 months of NC down the line it would'nt have stung half as much. Don't allow him any off your time now hun. He's a no good for you and you need to let yourself heal now. go through it now and get it over with. You'l be fine.
Bobby2010 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 i just wanna add that this has happened to me. I dont understand why they dont just be honest and say they are with someone else after all they have left n are not coming back. deep inside they know there in wrong i think there ashamed to admit it. i got constantly blammed for the break up and all along i new she was with someone else. confronted her all time she would deny it. pointless really some people arggghhhhh could kill em Man, I confronted mine at least ten times over the last 3 months we were "together". Each time I was hit with "You're too jealous, nothing is going on". Funny, she was with a new guy DAYS after she ended it. It is more exciting for these cowards, when they know we don't know what they are doing in secret.
silic0ntoad Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 I honestly think the media and society play a huge role in this. Think about it. Woman is married to man or vice versa, then the sexy loner comes into their lives and they cheat, because it's true love. Bullsh*t. I am so done with the OM/OW crap. People need to man the f*ck up and accept the fact that they are cowards and are useless. Thus my misanthropy. People have this insatiable thirst for the hollywood romance. It doesn't exist. Seriously. Grow up and get a pair. Face issues. I have ZERO mercy for the merciless. And certainly NO pity for a coward. Forgiveness comes uneasily here.
Daisy7227 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 After reading some of the posts of this thread, I can actually verify why the no contact rule is so important. Even though it hurts to not contact them, if we do, we are going to find out something that we really won't like! I get it now! Icy, please don't ever talk to this clown again, if it doesn't work out with his current girlfriend, he thinks he can go back to you! ( When he's ready?! ) After sending my final text {fooling myself; Im okay with this breakup, but yet i want his attention} he replies " I really appreciate your message I still however remain unclear as to what I want right now in my life and I realize that is unfair to you and I apologize" Wow. Two years and he just stops calling me, doesnt want to see me, doesnt text me during the most criticial time of life, he just bails out. Drops off the face of the earth. Just remember, there's a great guy waiting for you and he will be so appreciative of you.
Beeotch Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Well, I don't even know what to think do or say now. Today I thought I'd take a chance and send a happy nice text to my ex. I was incredibly happy to say the least when he actually texted me back. It was like nothing changed, he was his old sweet self, I couldn't believe it. This didn't last long. I knew it was probably dumb, but I casually asked if he had a girlfriend. I assured him I'd be fine with it and I just wanted to know. He kept avoiding it for like an hour... but finally answered "yes I do." I said "so you left me for someone else, why couldn't you just be honest, I asked you several times, why didn't you just tell me?" The last thing he said was "I have nothing else to say to you at this point." I of course went off and said a bunch of other texts I shouldn't have, but then about half an hour later I said "I didn't mean any of the other texts; just absorbing the shock of it. I wish you nothing but the best. Good luck with her (his name)." Oh. My. God. I feel like I'm dying inside. This whole time I knew, I just KNEW it was someone else. But to actually hear them confirm it is just..Oh my god. WHY do they lie about it? I asked a million times when he left if it was someone else and he was adamant it was not. He lied this whole time. Everyone was right how it just brings up a million other questions because now I just want to know more and more...I feel like I can't breathe. I just want to disappear. Why do they do this. I can imagine how you must feel..... Sometimes ignorance really is bliss as what you don't know cannot possibly hurt you, and I know the feeling that this brings. It doesn't bring any resolve or weight off your shoulder but it leaves you open to ask more and more questions and for regrets...but what is done is done and since you cannot un-know it, only other thing is to move past it. He didn't want to hurt you which is why he didn't tell you when you broke up and also why he avoided the question for an hour. He gave in after you asked him and promised you wouldn't be upset...now you are and he feels bad and defensive hence him saying he has nothing more to say about it. It sucks...I personally WOULD NOT have played nice then and there by saying I wish him luck cause I KNOW at the moment I wouldn't mean it. he probably doesn't think you mean it either...but you know what, the BEST revenge for you is to act like he NEVER existed as much as it kills you. I know you feel betrayed and I know you wish he would have been honest....and that might have changed things or who knows maybe you would still feel upset if on day one he announced he was leaving you for someone else. Truth is you would STILL have a million questions.... I would look at it in this way: this is a hard situation for everyone. He must have cared about you and there is no easy way to let someone down so most times people avoid it which frankly makes things WORST although at the time they think it will make it better. Doesn't make them a bad person. If he fell out of love or whatever the case is, you know what? That's OK! Because it just means you twos journey together has come to an end and although it feels premature, it really is not and you are making space for NEW adventures and a new person. So cry about it, talk about it with us and with friends, write him imaginary letters...do what you must but KEEP YOUR DIGNITY! You have already wished him well....if you do so and never speak to him again, he will ALWAYS remember you. He may even feel guilty and that is his problem. But if you try to find answers he is going to continue being defensive, act angry, act like you are bothering him, perhaps get an ego boost by thinking you are so inlove with him, you are crazy etc and you DO NOT want him and especiallllllly not his new piece to have ANYTHING to say about you. So keep it moving as if it doesn't faze you and one day it WON'T! Trust me...I don't know if u read where I first posted that my ex has a new gf (albeit a fake relationship) but now I really do not care.I have NEVER asked him about her, never wished him well....NADA. I pretend I have NO CLUE about it and m totally unconcerned about it and he is none the wiser that it has ever bothered me and it makes me feel amazing!
caramel c Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 ICY! I had no idea, I just saw this thread. I'm sorry girl! I know you are in a lot of pain right now. He is a jerk. Let him be the biggest jerk he can be. He is somebody else's problem now instead of YOUR problem. I really hope this is going to help you speed up the process of recovery. There is a good chance of that. You need to stay busy girl. Start making plans, you need to book up your whole week and weekend right now, no excuses. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! He is garbage! Your left toenail is worth more than his whole body!
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