DSM2709 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Well, I was suppose to go out last night with this woman that I met on a dating site. We have spoken on the phone a few times the previous few days leading up to Friday, and we made plans to go out last night (Friday), a week ago. She told me she was looking forward to going out, as was I too. Well, as friday got closer, I hadn't heard from her, and began to wonder, what was going on. I wanted to speak to her about our plans for Friday before I picked her up. Well, Friday came, and she texted me back, and said she couldn't make it and if we could try again on Monday. Before this text she kept telling me she would call me, which she never did. I was so pissed, I left her a nasty-gram on her voicemail basically saying don't bother, I don't have time for games. She texted me again later, saying that she had to go to her grandfathers B-day party and that she was sorry, and that she would call me, it was a long story........SHE STILL HAS NOT CALLED ME......WTF???? Why is she playing games with me, it's not like we're bf/gf, so why the BS? I'm trying to learn from my previous relationship not to be a doormat, and stand up for myself. Can someone explain this to me? Thanks.
hoping2heal Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 If she called you tomorrow, would you still be interested in going out with her?
CarrieT Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 These types of games are hardly relegated to women. I have countless stories of guys doing similar things to me. And I usually put out on a first date! They just never stop playing the games to know that...
xpaperxcutx Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Flakiness is common among both genders. There's no correct answer to why people like this do the things they do, but the one good thing that can actually come from this is that the earlier on you realize and recognize this habit, the earlier on you can weed out the people you don't want to date.
Chicago_Guy Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 She's clearly not interested. I think that games like this are common among on-line daters. She's probably dating other people and that's why she doesn't care about your feelings. Some guys probably do the same thing.
Author DSM2709 Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 H2H, since I have nothing else going on, I probably would, but not without a reasonable explaination from her first as why she's doing what she did.
JohnP82 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 (Wo)men play games because you let them. Don't call her again.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 H2H, since I have nothing else going on, I probably would, but not without a reasonable explaination from her first as why she's doing what she did. She gave a somewhat reasonable excuse albeit given at the last minute. The question is do you believe her?
Author DSM2709 Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Yeah, but she didn't know about this b-day party previous to our arrangment? I'm not stupid, but maybe she is dating other guys...that's the thing about these online dating sites, I have to realize that I'm not the only one guy she's talking to. We'll see what happens after the holiday weekend.
Author DSM2709 Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 OH AND BY THE WAY: Here's another story I forgot to mention. I met a nice girl at the gym one day week or so ago, and I asked if she wanted to go out and get some coffee or something to which she replied "sure that would be cool", so I then asked her for her number to which she obliged and gave it to me. I waited til a day or so, and called her and left a message to see when she wanted to get together. She never returned my call, so I waited a few more days and called her again...stating the same thing. NO REPLY. Just the other day while at the gym, I saw her and kidded to her how she was a hard person to get a hold of. She replied by saying she was working 60 hours a week and was really busy.....and that was it. A few minutes later she left and not another word was said between us....WTF over?!?!?!
hoping2heal Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 H2H, since I have nothing else going on, I probably would, but not without a reasonable explaination from her first as why she's doing what she did. Okay, then you have not learned anything so far. You aren't even in a relationship, and already you are being disrespected left and right, and as long as she talks a good game, you will allow her in your life. It's not a good sign when someone shows flaky behavior before you even begin dating as a couple.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Yeah, but she didn't know about this b-day party previous to our arrangment? I'm not stupid, but maybe she is dating other guys...that's the thing about these online dating sites, I have to realize that I'm not the only one guy she's talking to. We'll see what happens after the holiday weekend. This what I'm trying to highlight. Although her excuse was well grounded it was still given at the last minute. Understand that online dating is tricky because people become more pickier with their choices and less respectful of the other person. The important thing is that you know the type of person you want to date and how much opportunities you are willing to give someone before you tell them off Like you've said, you're not a doormat.
Author DSM2709 Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 H2H, in all reality, I would not date her. I don't want to deal with her BS everytime. If she's able to get away with this, and I keep crawling back....then she'll do it again. I get the picture.
boogieboy Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 OH AND BY THE WAY: Here's another story I forgot to mention. I met a nice girl at the gym one day week or so ago, and I asked if she wanted to go out and get some coffee or something to which she replied "sure that would be cool", so I then asked her for her number to which she obliged and gave it to me. I waited til a day or so, and called her and left a message to see when she wanted to get together. She never returned my call, so I waited a few more days and called her again...stating the same thing. NO REPLY. Just the other day while at the gym, I saw her and kidded to her how she was a hard person to get a hold of. She replied by saying she was working 60 hours a week and was really busy.....and that was it. A few minutes later she left and not another word was said between us....WTF over?!?!?! This girl gave you her number because she didnt want to tell you no and have an argument over it. So she gave it to you to make you go away. She also might have given you the number just so you can call her, and boost her ego. You also didnt read her right, she wasnt really interested, and you could see it in her body language if you knew what to look for. The first girl used you as a backup plan. She found someone else she would rather date than you, which is why she blew you off. So you have to learn to build better attraction from these women to make them WANT to call you. And since you know how to do it in person, I say skip the dating websites, they stink.
OpenGL Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 People flake all the time, and as someone who has flaked on girls quite a few times the reason is always the same no matter what excuse I give her. I'm not interested or she was a backup option and my primary plans went through.
Left in a Lurch Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 DSM, your examples are pretty much identical to what happens to me a lot of times. I hate the excuses about not getting a message or 'losing' their phone. The chances with today's technology of anyone not getting a voicemail from a new guy they are dating is like .000000001% give or take .00000001%. Even if they lost their phone, a 1st grader could show them how to check their voicemail. What gets me even more is when this happens and I'll just forget her and let it go, and then 5 days later I get a call at 1 in the afternoon (when she probably figures I'll be working and not be able to answer), and then she'll act like nothing happened and ignoring 2 of my calls for 5 or 6 days was no big deal. I can never understand if they are trying to get rid of you and are not interested, and you make it easy by not bothering them after they fail to return a call, why in the hell do they call back and act interested?! My favorite was this girl that told me she had little free time and wanted to do the lunch date thing. Normally I would never agree, but she was super hot so I ignored my gut, tucked my balls away, and agreed one time. We went to an early dinner on a Saturday (when we made plans she said she had to leave at 7, and I almost just offered to mail her a gift certificate to Chilli's to save myself time and gas) and then during the date she proceeded to tell me how she went with a friend to a late movie the night before on the spur of the moment. So she left early and with a full stomach and leftovers and with the same amount of money in her purse as she came with, and I left with a wallet full of tumble weeds to go home and enjoy myself at 8 pm on a Saturday night. I stupidly called her on that Monday and left another message, to which she did not respond to for almost a week. The next Sunday she was long out of my mind and all of the sudden she calls me to talk during her daughter's birthday party and chit chats it up for a while like no big deal. I was like, I'll make this easy, you don't need to call me anymore. Stop trying to make me stalk you, I don't have time for that crap. I swear sometimes they like stringing me along just so they can tell their friends all about the guy that won't take the hint. Just tell me if all you need is something to talk about at parties with your friends, I'll pull the dick in the popcorn tub move or get naked on your couch while you are in the bathroom if you need a story that bad. At least I'll get a story to tell out of it too.
jimbo Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Flakes are common here too. Its a shame. It should be outlawed. Men (err boys) should not do it to women. Women (err girls) shouldn't do it to men. But, most people on the dating sites are immature, so it comes with the territory.
Rebellious Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 The trick is to date several girls, so if one of them flakes you don't even notice. The downside is that you can grow to treat women as disposable... Personally, I much prefer the way they socialize in Europe, dating in America is a game zone.
Brady_to_Moss Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Can i ask how you met this girl in the gym...i find it impossible to talk to people in the gym
dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Guys flake too. It's not just women. But I promise you if you keep up the 'why do women always play games' attitude and keep bugging out about it, other women will pick up on this vibe and wont want to call you.
carhill Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 The simple answer to the OP is that men generally want physical sex more than women do and, once a critical mass of such males is achieved, historically forever, women become the controller of the process simply because they care less. The corollary could be men who play upon women's desire for emotional intimacy and, as another poster intimated, treat them as 'disposable', acting without intrinsic feeling, but projecting care and concern, to get what they want, generally sex. It's their way of caring less. Since people of the same caring setpoints rarely interact, one or the other is always going to be in control. Women are generally much more skilled at emotional manipulation, as they have a lifetime of practice and socialization (from a very early age), so it is a rare man who can be the match for a woman in that arena. Combine that dynamic with the reality that men only get the affection which women mete out and you have the potential for a substantial imbalance of power in any given dating scenario. For a really good understanding of the dynamic, presented in a hilarious fashion, watch "War of the Roses". It's about a married couple, but really underscores how things work. I've lived some of it and I consider myself pretty aware. Didn't matter
boogieboy Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 The simple answer to the OP is that men generally want physical sex more than women do and, once a critical mass of such males is achieved, historically forever, women become the controller of the process simply because they care less. The corollary could be men who play upon women's desire for emotional intimacy and, as another poster intimated, treat them as 'disposable', acting without intrinsic feeling, but projecting care and concern, to get what they want, generally sex. It's their way of caring less. Since people of the same caring setpoints rarely interact, one or the other is always going to be in control. Women are generally much more skilled at emotional manipulation, as they have a lifetime of practice and socialization (from a very early age), so it is a rare man who can be the match for a woman in that arena. Disposable for the upper hand eh? Sounds like the best reason for multiple dating to me....or at least fake it. Im going to do more research on the emotional manipulation..I gotta be able to recognize it when i see it... Edit: Just found this article on 8 ways to spot EM. Great shyt. Im gonna study it. http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm
carhill Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 IMO, having firm boundaries is the best defense to game playing. Speaking of that, where the heck is TBF? She's the poster girl for firm boundaries. Emotional manipulation begins innocently when daddy responds positively to certain expressions, behaviors or words of his darling little girl and accelerates once the young lady becomes aware of the sexual draw her body is to boys. Without adequate balance, it can become exclusively about feeding her ego, which is essentially a perpetual selfish child (in all of us). One key method I employ is to observe the person in the rest of their life; how they treat the people they purportedly love, as well as strangers. Actions don't lie Since online daters don't even know each other in any significant way until they meet, I discount anything online until it becomes flesh. It can provide some information, but reality is the best medium to absorb the appropriate signals.
thegreatmoose Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Some play games becuase they can get away with it. For example, if she dates multiple times a week and this is his first date of the year she would have a tremendous advantage. Why? She knows she has a date with a another guy in a few days while he has put all his eggs into one basket. If she has something come up, she is more likely to cancel or worse not show up. If the same happens to him, he is almost certain to still go on the date. She has the power in this emaxple. Ideally, there is a balance of power. In reality, one or the other usually has more power.
carhill Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 In reality, one or the other usually has more power. Absolutely true, and it is always the one who cares the least I know this sounds like a broken record, but recognizing the dynamic, even if invariably you always care more, is part of the boundary building process. The goal isn't to care less; rather it is to enact healthy boundaries against those who do.
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