New here - My story

[Tori2103]

Hey everyone. Been reading things here for a while, but this will be my first post. Here is my story.

 

I met my bf Dave about 2 1/2 years ago in World of Warcraft. We were instant friends, really. He is an amazingly kind, sweet man. We spent a lot of time together in game, and some out of game time too. He was very guarded at first. It took me probably a year before he would even tell me his name. NO ONE knew his name in game. I did know that he was married, with two children, and that he was considerably older than I was (I am currently 24 and he is 49). I was also married.

 

My marriage started to go downhill. My husband was no longer the man that I married. He was emotionally abusive. Many times I would find myself running to the computer, to talk to Dave about what was going on. He always made me feel better. He quickly became one of my best friends. I could always go to him, and never worry about our relationship going past friendship. He never acted like anything but a friend to me. I never expected him to either. Again, he was happily married, right?

 

I don't know if it was because my marriage was failing, or the fact that we did already have an amazing friendship, but I started to have feelings for him. After months of hiding it, pretending to be just his friend, I couldn't take it anymore, and I came out and told him how I felt. I then asked him to tell me how he felt. That is when he told me his long, sad story.

 

Yes. He was married...but his wife had forced him into an open marriage years ago. She had started seeing someone else. He did not want a divorce because he wanted to still be a main part of his kids lives. He told me that he no longer slept even in the same room as his wife, nor had any sort of physical contact from her (not even a hug) in years. He said he put up with it all this time because of his kids.

 

At first, I was a little shocked at what I was hearing. I thought, maybe I should run away from it. What if he is lying to me? He could easily lie to me. But then I thought, this is Dave. I knew this man, he was not a lying type of person.

 

My marriage continued to fail. My husband and I worked on our marriage, and at one point my husband said that if I did not stop all contact with Dave, he would leave. I told him to leave.

 

I know that might sound unfair, but I was being offered freedom here. I jumped at it. I was sick of my life with this man who called himself my husband. He was an emotional abuser, made me want to die every single day.

 

I want to make one thing clear though. I wanted my husband to leave...NOT because of Dave, but because I had wanted out for a long time.

 

Anyway..

 

Once my husband was back in Michigan (we have both agreed on a divorce in the near future), I moved into a smaller place that I could afford, and Dave came to visit me for the first time. It was amazing. We spent 5 wonderful days together. He was even more sweet and kind in person than I could have imagined. He cooked for me, bought me things for my new place, and made me feel safe. It was an amazing feeling. I had head-over-heels fallen in love.

 

Then he had to return home, and my world fell apart.

 

The love is still there, and we are now officially a couple, though we are 1500 miles apart.

 

Now here are the problems though, that are making me hurt.

 

1. Obviously, the distance. We are 1500 miles apart. I hate being alone. This is the first time I have actually lived...on my own. I lived with my parents, got married at age 22 and lived with my husband. It is quite hard to deal with being alone when it is one of my biggest fears. I just find myself crying a lot, missing him. But that happens to a lot of people I have seen.

 

2. He was laid off in February, and relies on his wife's income to support him and the family. This is probably the hardest of the problems to deal with because he is still living at home with the wife and kids. He has this whole other life that I am not a part of. I am pretty sure he has not said anything to them about me. So here I am, alone all the time, with a bf living another life with another woman. True, he is not involved with her anymore, but that is not the entire point. I feel like I am on the back burner of his life. I have told him how this upsets me, and he feels like crap that I am hurting over it. He tells me that I am most definitely NOT on the back burner, and that as soon as he can get enough money to support himself, he will move into his own place, where I can move into hopefully once my lease is up here. But it STILL bothers me.

 

3. We have a 25 year age difference. Normally, this does not bother me. The only thing that sucks about it is sometimes I do worry what is going to happen to him. I don't want anything to happen to him. I love him, and I hate thinking that one day, he is going to get sick or something. I shake it off though because, well, you never know when you are going to die. I could die in a car accident tomorrow. I just hate that everyone else seems to have a problem with it. Can't people just let things drop and be happy for someone for once?

 

4. I am kind of the jealous type. I am horribly afraid that he is going to realize that divorce is a really tough process, and that it would just be easier to stay exactly where he is. He also wouldn't have to end up paying child support that way. It terrifies me. He assures me that he wants only me, and will do anything to get me, just as long as he can stay close to his kids. That is important to him.

 

So I think that sums it all up. We are just praying that he can find a job soon so that he can move out of his house, divorce his wife, and have me move in. Money is our biggest problem right now. We are both pretty broke, so flying him out here is difficult. I am praying that he is able to make it out in December, if not sooner. That will all depend on the job situation, I guess.

 

I love him more than anything, and some would say that I should be happy that I have someone worth missing. It is just really hard sometimes.

 

Well that is it. Talk to you guys soon.

 

Tori

[KikiW]

I can totally see where you are coming from. I met my SO through the game as well. It began about a year and a half ago. We both used the game as an escape from dealing with the realities of our situations. Neither of us set out to meet someone else, but it happened.

 

We both have children, his is 12, mine is 8. I made it clear from the beginning that I could not leave my area (we are 1200 miles apart). Had he said the same, we would have ended it early on. But he was more than sure that he knew we were meant to be together, and he was willing to make the sacrifice of being near his daughter on a FT basis in order to make it happen.

 

Since it all began, his divorce is nearly finalized (the papers are making their way through the courthouse). Mine is in the early stage because my husband and I are very amicable and I need to retain health insurance since I do not have an income, but we have an attorney and we already have an agreement, we just need it turned into court papers that can be submitted when we are ready.

 

I am making preparations to move into an apartment October 1st, and my SO is in talks with someone about a very nice job here, so we are hoping that if things go well, he will be starting by November 1st.

 

It CAN work. It will make your heart ache to be away from him. You will cry rivers getting in the car or on a plane to leave each other. But you both need to be on the same page. You need to tell each other what you each are capable of. Can you compromise on the smaller things but stay strong on the important stuff? Trying to compromise on something important will come back to bite you in the rear, so be honest with yourself and with him, and expect the same in return.

 

Insist on complete truthfulness. Complete honesty. Accept nothing less.

 

And it will all be worth it

[Tori2103]

Thank you. That was helpful.

[Island Girl]

Hello Tori

 

I know you mentioned the plans of moving in together. Have you gone there to visit?

 

How old are the children and has he mentioned if they know of the divorce or not?

 

I am just cautious about this situation because, unlike KikiW's situation, it seems that there could be a lot hidden.

 

I hope it is not the case. But there have been a lot of similar circumstances talked about here that have ended up in the OW/OM forum.

One of the most common things is that the marriage is just a convenience because of money issues, or something else - and that they don't have sex etc. And usually that is far from the truth.

 

Are you able to call him any hour and talk to him freely? Are you generally speaking to each other in a pattern such as in the morning when the ex is gone to work or before she gets home from work?

[Tori2103]

Yes, I can call and talk to him freely any time. We have somewhat of a routine because I do work and have school, but weekends are not as routine, and I have never really found a time when I needed to talk to him and I couldn't call him.

 

I am not 100% positive if his children know about what is going on or not. He has said before that he doesn't want them to be upset, but I am sitting here thinking, well um, might as well tell them now. It is going to happen eventually right? They are always around though. A lot of times when we are talking online, they do interrupt, asking him to help with homework or take them somewhere. They are not stupid though. One is 11 and one is 15. I am sure they know something is going on. I have never been to LA but he came to visit me for a few days last month. Obviously, they had to know something was going on with dad going out of state like that.

 

I have never considered Dave to be lying to me about anything. He is very open and like I said, very available if and when I need him. Some of it does sound a bit fishy at times. Maybe I should not be as trusting as I am. I've always had a really hard time trusting people but it seems like I can trust Dave easily. He's never given me a reason not to. I know that I should be careful though. Maybe he isn't telling them because he is scared that his wife is going to kick him out or take the kids away from him, something that would tear him apart. But maybe I should tell him that I expect him to tell his family exactly what is going on, because I don't deserve to be the OW here. I don't know. This is why I came here.