I'm an OM, hurting

[thought it'd work]

Thanks for the posts. D.I., thanks for the link, it fits. Fooled Once, she called me mid week, I haven't called her. Just told me what she did Labor Day, etc. Said since she had the talk about divorcing from her H, he is scrambling to reconnect, wants to go to counseling, etc. She said she doesn't have enough left for him to consider "working on it".

2 days later, Friday 9/11, she calls me on her way to work and tells me her H is accusing her of screwing around with the exBF. Apparently, he found out or heard or caught them or whatever, I didn't ask.

She did reveal, I think slipped, that she told her H she had taken her son to the exBF's house a "few times" over the summer for BBQ, pool parties. Said there were lots of kids there for her son, and it was really good. She didn't understand why the H, and why I, can't understand that there's nothing going on and it's just good for her son.

I asked why then couldn't she say she was going there, to the H or to me? If you can't say anything about going there, then you feel like you have to hide it. She deflected the question, said she had to go and hung up.

She said, all she is concerned with right now isn't the exBF, or anything else, but resolving what to do with the marriage and getting her and her son into a place on her own.

Amazing how much she's changed just since July towards me. In July, she had never known anyone who could make her feel so free, so loved and who she loved more than anyone she'd ever known.

To this uncaring attitude, almost cold, which is SO UNLIKE her. The exBF must have quite a hold on her.

[whichwayisup]

Why are you even talking to her? Next time she calls, and she will.. Just tell her you can't talk, you're busy and have to go.. Seems she likes telling you all that's going on in her life..It's totally one sided and she's treating YOU like crap. STOP answering her calls. Let it go to the machine..

[Devil Inside]

TID

 

Maybe this is actually not unlike her...but exactly who she is. I am not saying she is a bad person...but someone who has some really deep issues. I can feel you wanting to save her...I got some White Knight in me myself...but I think it would only lead to more pain for you. As wonderful as the good times were...it isn't worth it.

[thought it'd work]

Devil, WWIU,

I know, I agree with you, applying it is tougher than I thought. In a month, I've gone from reading everything I can about how to overcome jealousy issues, to how to get your power back, to how to get over a lost love...to you guys.

I know I have to throw out all the images of should's and what if's, and go to being satisfied with not having her in my life at all. Have to remember that I wasn't dating anyone when I met her, and I was just fine. Got to get that sensation back again.

The No Contact thing is really confusing to me though. Reading the threads here was my first exposure to that and it seems contrary to who I am. It sounds like the bad a$$ style of doing it. On the other hand, that's probably why I'm in this position in the first place. The Nice guys finish last BS.

I'm getting it. BUT, still don't believe that 3 years of her being one person is over-ruled by a month of being 180 different? I can't figure that one out at ALL.

To be clear, I'm not pushing back at your advice, I'm only having a tough time executing the NC behavior. I'll accept she plans on moving on with the stud, but it would really help if she just said it to me to finalize this crap.

[Devil Inside]

Devil, WWIU,

I know, I agree with you, applying it is tougher than I thought. In a month, I've gone from reading everything I can about how to overcome jealousy issues, to how to get your power back, to how to get over a lost love...to you guys.

I know I have to throw out all the images of should's and what if's, and go to being satisfied with not having her in my life at all. Have to remember that I wasn't dating anyone when I met her, and I was just fine. Got to get that sensation back again.

The No Contact thing is really confusing to me though. Reading the threads here was my first exposure to that and it seems contrary to who I am. It sounds like the bad a$$ style of doing it. On the other hand, that's probably why I'm in this position in the first place. The Nice guys finish last BS.

I'm getting it. BUT, still don't believe that 3 years of her being one person is over-ruled by a month of being 180 different? I can't figure that one out at ALL.

To be clear, I'm not pushing back at your advice, I'm only having a tough time executing the NC behavior. I'll accept she plans on moving on with the stud, but it would really help if she just said it to me to finalize this crap.

 

Hey brother...no judgments....just reaching out cause I can see you're hurting.

 

IMO NC is the furthest thing from a bad a$$ approach. It is a way of being kind to yourself. A way of giving yourself the time you need to heal so that you can make decisions from a whole and rational state of mind. It also allows you to be in a place where you can move on. If it doesn't sound like you...join the club...it goes against every fiber of my being to "cut off" anybody I love...but what I wasn't thinking was that it was the only way to really love myself.

 

As for your pain...I think you need to allow yourself to feel this man. You are in love with this woman. This is not going to go away overnight. It's OK to accept how you feel...because you are a real person and we cannot control our feelings...but it doesn't mean we need to react to them...this is where NC comes in.

 

In the end man...you will have ups and downs with this. It would be great to have a time machine so that you could see how it all plays out. I thought all the same things when my A ended.

 

Good luck. We all have to find our own way...but just make sure that you look up at the street signs every once and awhile.

[thought it'd work]

D.I., thanks man. Great insights. Yep, some of the best times of my life with her. The irony is, I always knew she might go back to her H and try to make it work. But, I was NEVER prepared for this turn of events. If I concentrate on the fact that it really doesn't matter to me in the end, because I don't get her anyway, then it makes this a little easier to deal with.

Believe me, I'm having no problem 'feeling the pain'. I can't not feel it no matter what I'm doing. Did you lose weight? This is unreal!

I'm working really hard on understanding what it is to NOT react to these feelings. Four Agreements, Wayne Dyer, et al. Good stuff while I'm reading it but then I start to apply it to her...as if to say, 'here, use this to break away from your H...think this when you want to hook up with the ex bf...' Then reel myself back in and use it for ME to help get through.

Thanks again for giving a damn brother.

[thought it'd work]

Devil Inside...

"We all have to find our own way...but just make sure that you look up at the street signs every once and awhile."

 

By the way, that's a great line! Thanks again.

[Owl]

She did to you the same that she's been doing to her H.

 

Man up...end this on YOUR terms.

 

Walk away, don't look back, and don't give her the satisfaction of knowing your pain.

 

Don't feel bad for grieving the loss of the relationship...it's to be expected.

 

But make sure that the relationship is OVER...because otherwise you're going to get sucked in and outta this like a ping pong ball on Bingo night.

[thought it'd work]

Owl, Yeah, I know. I bought in to everything she told me for 3 years. so, of course, I was walking around in the fog, that I was better for her that the H, that she thought I was hot s**t and there was no way this wasn't going to work out in the end. Dummy.

Another reason I suppose for the NC...as you say, so she doesn't get to hear my pain over it.

Hung out with some buds over the weekend, so it was good to try and get back out there a little and snip off one more of the strings to her.

[fooled once]

Keep moving forward, one step, even one baby step, at a time.

 

Don't stand still or walk backwards, not even a baby step.

 

Glad you hung out with some friends and enjoyed yourself.

[mourningMM]

First of all, it will really wierd her out.

 

Next, remember, she's younger than you....think of her as a kid instead of a woman. Because honestly, the way she is making these choices, she probably stopped maturing when she WAS about 20. And honestly...a woman of 40 or 45 who ACTS her age will be a heck of alot more fun to you.

 

Think about it with both the big and the little heads....and then let your heart and soul in on the conversation.

 

You sound like a good man, you deserve a woman who will

1) be able to be with you for 24 hours a day.

2) be willing to meet your family and be introduced as your girlfriend, lover...whatever you take it to.

3) be there to help with the mundane things, like grocery shopping, or mowing the lawn.

4) be there to watch ballgames with you and share their favorite music...and it will be music that you already know.

 

I don't understand why you would want to waste your time with someone who only gives you a half-life.

 

Women OUTNUMBER men in your age group. Go out of match.com, or eharmony.com, or even bigbeautifulwomen.com if that's the way you like it!

 

Or go to a bar that has cover bands of the stuff you like and look for a nice woman who IS NOT WEARING A RING!

 

But really, don't waste any of the precious days, weeks, months, or years waiting for a cheater.

 

Give yourself a gift; believe that you deserve to be the whole meal, not just a side dish.

[thought it'd work]

You people are awesome and I respect your advice and suggestions. Thanks for the hang-out ideas. I've been wondering how to move on when the place I've always gone, where a lot of my friends go, is the place she works! It will be strange, but I need to stick to this, so I can talk my friends into maybe going elsewhere, at least for a little while.

Why is it the last 3 relationships I've had were all the EXACT same age? The two prior to this were LDR's I met while out of town. Great times, fun, but just become too much work, expensive, etc to continue it without someone making a major move. Ironic this one, same age again. Hmmmm.

[thought it'd work]

First of all, it will really wierd her out.

 

Next, remember, she's younger than you....think of her as a kid instead of a woman. Because honestly, the way she is making these choices, she probably stopped maturing when she WAS about 20. And honestly...a woman of 40 or 45 who ACTS her age will be a heck of alot more fun to you.

 

Think about it with both the big and the little heads....and then let your heart and soul in on the conversation.

 

You sound like a good man, you deserve a woman who will

1) be able to be with you for 24 hours a day.

2) be willing to meet your family and be introduced as your girlfriend, lover...whatever you take it to.

3) be there to help with the mundane things, like grocery shopping, or mowing the lawn.

4) be there to watch ballgames with you and share their favorite music...and it will be music that you already know.

 

I don't understand why you would want to waste your time with someone who only gives you a half-life.

 

Women OUTNUMBER men in your age group. Go out of match.com, or eharmony.com, or even bigbeautifulwomen.com if that's the way you like it!

 

Or go to a bar that has cover bands of the stuff you like and look for a nice woman who IS NOT WEARING A RING!

 

But really, don't waste any of the precious days, weeks, months, or years waiting for a cheater.

 

Give yourself a gift; believe that you deserve to be the whole meal, not just a side dish.

 

MMM, sorry I missed something, "what" will weird her out?

[whichwayisup]

so I can talk my friends into maybe going elsewhere, at least for a little while.

This is a good idea.

 

How old was this MW? Sorry I forget..

[Devil Inside]

You people are awesome and I respect your advice and suggestions. Thanks for the hang-out ideas. I've been wondering how to move on when the place I've always gone, where a lot of my friends go, is the place she works! It will be strange, but I need to stick to this, so I can talk my friends into maybe going elsewhere, at least for a little while.

Why is it the last 3 relationships I've had were all the EXACT same age? The two prior to this were LDR's I met while out of town. Great times, fun, but just become too much work, expensive, etc to continue it without someone making a major move. Ironic this one, same age again. Hmmmm.

 

Could be a sign. Next woman you meet...be sure to card her.

[thought it'd work]

WWIU,

She's 38, I'm 53.

[thought it'd work]

DI,

Funny. But, they've never lied to me about their age, in fact, this girl especially, looked a lot younger than she is. Just seems like it hasn't been an issue, OR at least they never made any comments like the age thing was any problem. I think I'm pretty young at heart, body, spirit, so...

[Owl]

Here's another thought...you need to redirect your energy/focus.

 

Resume an old hobby, or start a new one that you've always wanted to try.

 

Hit the gym, take up martial arts, start running...anything to burn off the energy and wear yourself out, as well as something that holds your mind while you're trying to learn something new or focus to accomplish a goal.

 

Use whatever support mechanisms you've got to help you "get over her". Friends/family/whoever you can talk with about the situation.

[thought it'd work]

Owl, thanks, have been trying to do just that. Working out hard after work, running again too. Friends and fam are beginning to ask what

"you two" are doing this weekend, etc. I haven't said a thing to anyone about it. Yet. Mutual friends/her co-workers at the restaurant where she works are probably wondering why I haven't been in there in weeks now too. Next steps that need to be dealt with I guess. Of course, if her new/ex bf is coming in to see her, then that cat is out of the bag eh?

Hobbies? I'll have to come up with something there. Lots to do here in Chi-town. Thank you.

[Dexter Morgan]

She is, I know it sounds cliche, the most amazing girl I've ever known.

 

ya, she's just a cheater....thats all:rolleyes:

 

 

Now, about a month ago, calls became less frequent, less answering at the 'normal' times I would call her...she's home during the day, works evenings at a restaurant. I felt her pulling away somewhat. Still saw each other on weekend nights, and all was good, but still something changed.

 

Went to meet her one night a month ago after she got off work and she was having a drink with a guy. Extremely close talking, laughing. I walked in and just looked, she just looked, and then a few minutes later, intro'd him to me as her "friend X", and me as just my name. Peculiar, and I got kind of pissed. She came over to me and said he's an old friend then went back to him as if I wasn't even there. So, really mad, I left.

 

Talked to her about it, she said I have to stop the jealous stuff, and I agreed I over reacted. She said she is having an affair with me and it's either me or her husband, period. I said it's time to make that decision

 

 

Let me get this straight...she is cheating on her husband with you, but you are all up in arms at the prospect of her with another guy? uh....ok.

 

doesn't look to me like you really know the story of her marital state and she just likes to cheat.

 

my guess is she is a serial cheater. So anything you can do to sway her away from her husband would be doing the guy a favor.

 

 

Dying here, so any advice is appreciated.

 

I'll digress from my point above.

 

let me ask you this, she is obviously a cheater and likes being with different guys other than her husband. So why would you want such a worthless individual? What?....you think you are special and she wouldn't be looking to cheat on you too if you got together?

 

Maybe you should tell her husband whats been going on.

[Dura]

Hi my name is abigail dura i've been going out with my boy friend for over 5 years now within the past 4 years everything was going on just fine,resently he's being cheating on with girl to the other,he keep saying sorry baby it wont happen again but he would do the same thing over and over again so i really dnt know wat 2 do

[fooled once]

Dura, why don't you start a new post to discuss your situation?