sugahoney Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Hi guys it been a long time. I really need some advice. The guy i was dating that works with me dropped a bomb on me on wednesday. He started it by saying he had something to tell me but had trouble putting it into words, I assumed it was something bad and just waited until he worked out what he had to say. He told me how much he likes me and how most mornings he cant wait to get to work so he can see me and that he smiles everytime he gets an email from me and how these things and more have him hooked and how he thinks of me as his unofficial girlfriend. He went on to say that sometimes he wonders if we can coexist for an extended period of time because of how I react to stuff ( i am not very good at hiding my emotions so if something is bothering me you can usually tell). He then tells me he has been thinking about getting back together with his ex more and more lately but if he does he honestly does not want to lose me and wants me to stay in his life as a friend. I have told him already if that happens i will be gone from his life forever or at least a while so I can get my feelings in check. I actually begged him to give us a proper chance and not go back to his ex cause I'm thinking there must be a reason he is telling me all of this. I stupidly thought he wanted me to really let him know how I felt so I spilled my guts only to have him tell me that he will probably go back to her as he knows how things will be with her and it is too uncertain with me. This all happened close to the end of the day so when I was about to leave I went to the kitchen to wash my mug and he cornered me there and tried to hold my hand and tell me he doesnt want to stop talking to me. I backed away and told him we cant always get what we want in life. How can someone who tells me they care about me and dont want to hurt me be so selfish. He is only thinking about himself aand is obviously not thinking about how I feel. You dont want to be in a relationship with me but want to keep me as a friend? All of this happened on Wednesday and I took thursday off from work he called me on thursday to ask if I was ok and then started emailing me from work. I said all I had to say and just kept repeating that we couldnt be friends and he kept saying he would not allow our friendship to go down the drain without a fight. On friday morning I was late for work and he texted me to find out if I was coming to work and told me to hurry and get there cause he was waiting to see me. The day goes on we email each other back and forth like wednesday never happened. We go to lunch together and just drive to the beach and just sit and hold hands and talk and joke a bit. There are a couple of kisses but nothing more. Which leaves me in my current state of confusion, I dont want to think he is trying to keep me as a back up, I want to believe he genuinely cares about me. I dont know what to do, should i just give up or should I keep trying to show him life with me could be great? I really need some advice.
Kamille Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 ((sugahoney)). Poor thing. A variation on the scenario you described is what got me totally hooked to LS. To answer some of your questions: yes, I do believe this guy is being insensitive. Don't ever let yourself get trapped in a situation where you feel you have to compete. You are not competing against his ex. How could you? You are two completely different people. He has to make up his mind. You can give him time to make up his mind, but I suggest you do as Paige Parker recommands in her e-letters. Move on with your life until he sorts himself out. You told him how you feel, he knows you think the two of you would make a great couple, now the decision is up to him. You, in the meantime, should go out, meet other guys and try and forget about this one.
boogieboy Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 He clearly wants to keep you as a backup, you got it right. I wish I thought like you when my ex pulled that shyt on me, to just cut her off. I dont know why he is getting back with his ex, or why he lost interest in you, but it seems to me that he never really let go of his ex. SO he might not have ever been emotionally invested in you, despite any sweet words he might have told you. I dont think he ever took you seriously since he never let go of his ex. You had it right when you wouldnt be friends with him. Friends with exbf's usually means booty call. Either way, no need to keep in contact with him.
Author sugahoney Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I know but its so hard. I figure if I didnt have to see him everyday it would be alot easier for me to move on but he is there all day, every day being sweet and generally driving me crazy. I know I cant compete with her and I just know that he will get back with her and I will have to deal with the fact that he is off limits and I dont know how I will do it. It should not be this hard for him to make up his mind, if he is so in love with his ex he shouldnt even be thinking about me. I will have to again try very hard to limit my contact with him. I may be wrong but it doesnt seem like he lost interest cause he still does all the things he did before. His ex has been trying to get back with him for a year and he told me the reason he didnt want to was because they argued practically every day. We dont argue but sometimes I react badly to things and he doesnt like that. I guess that is why he doesnt want anything serious with me. As of today I am making a conscious effort to let go and move on, i will start to distance myself from him as much as it may hurt.
Dolos Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I stupidly thought he wanted me to really let him know how I felt so I spilled my guts only to have him tell me that he will probably go back to her as he knows how things will be with her and it is too uncertain with me. This kind of made me laugh. I mean really, going back to the ex because he knows how it will be? Shes his ex for a reason. Ill take uncertain over already failed any day. What hes doing right now is remembering the good times, not whatever made them break up. You should really distance yourself like the other posters said, but be prepared for him to come back to you when things fail with his ex (And they probably will), and you should blow him off then too, though i imagine it wont be easy.
Kamille Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 You should really distance yourself like the other posters said, but be prepared for him to come back to you when things fail with his ex (And they probably will), and you should blow him off then too, though i imagine it wont be easy. Yes, chances are things will fail with his ex. My guy, we'll call him Dweebo, went back to his ex. Things were great for a few weeks and then all the problems they had came back. Plus, he knew there were other interesting women out there (you know, like me). Anyway, they ended things. Again. Throughout all that, I allowed him to keep me hanging. I couldn't believe he could walk away from what felt like one of the greatest connections I have ever known. For awhile, I therefore felt that I had to remind him of how great I was... except, it totally backfired because it only gave him an ego-stroke (which he needed as things were falling apart with his ex). Only once I told myself "enough! this isn't good for my self-esteem!" did he come snivelling back. Only, by then I had gone through months of agony and anxiety because of our warped relationship and I had a poor opinion of him... (I still think he was self-centered, but what I have to accept is that I allowed him to be self-centered.) So, for both your sakes, don't make yourself miserable. Don't let this situation become unhealthy for you. Place the priority on your well-being and let him make his decision all on his own while you continue with your life.
TooAccepting32 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Ok I feel you are being "too accepting" ! Look: Neither YOU nor his ex is an object that is just supposed to wait there at his disposal to be enjoyed while one of you in particular suits him and to be set aside on a shelf to wait for him somewhere while he's deciding if he's interested in another. It's so degrading. It's not ok to set his ex aside on a shelf while he's enjoying romance with you and to go back to her later when he has a use for her again. He's treating you both like objects that have no best interest of your own. You are not an object to be set aside on a shelf for later. You are not grocery items that have been placed there just for him to choose from. You along with everyone else on the planet deserve to be the apple of someone's eye. And you would be.. WILL be if you get away from this guy who does not deserve you or his ex and open yourself up to meeting someone who does deserve you. If there is a choice to be made between you and someone else... even for a moment... it's not good enough. There are a lot of people on this planet. A lot of guys Hot sexy ones with good hearts Take care *hugs*
sugarmomma Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 OP, you really need to work on your self worth and self esteem. How can you let someone treat you as a back up and have the audacity to tell you that is what you are to him? You are not healthy enough to be in a r with anyone. If you do, you will only attract people who will bring out in you what you think about yourself. Cut all contact with this loser since it will only lower your already low esteem. I'll be your cheerleader!!
Author sugahoney Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I have realised that he has already made his decision and it wasnt me. My issue with my reactions apparently is a big deal to him and one he does not think he can live with but being with someone you constantly argue with and who does not trust you is a much better alternative. sugarmomma-this all happened on wednesday, today is only sunday, it is not that i have known this was the case for a long time and was putting up with it. Cutting all contact with him may not be possible because we work together. I have made up my mind that he can live his life without me in it, I am not going to tell him this because I know he will try to convince me otherwise, I will just start to distance myself from him bit by bit.
TooAccepting32 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Sugahoney... It's a tough time for you right now I'm really sorry that you work with him. In a few months once you have distanced yourself from him for a while you will start to see things differently... you will see things you didn't even see while so closely involved with him. That's the way it is when we're all involved and emotionally tied in to something. I have experienced a lot of this and that is why I call myself "tooaccepting".. i needed to come on here for a reality check! I wish you courage and I hope you can get through distancing yourself without too much heartache. Be proud of yourself! You say NO! I'm better than that! I think it's a great idea not to even tell him because you're right, he'll put his efforts into trying to get you back on board. Don't worry too much about your reactions. There's a right guy out there for you who won't see it that way. I'm very emotional and I have found that the wrong person brings out the worst in me! The right people bring out the best in me! The right guy won't mind a whole lot of emotion because there are many many good things that come along with that if those are things he appreciates! Good luck and just try to get through a month of distance.. You'll see a difference in how you feel! Take care ! *big hugs*
Author sugahoney Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 So apparently this is going to be harder than I thought. I have been at work for about an hour so far, and he has already tried talking to me twice. I was only at work for a few minutes when he sent me an email saying good morning. I didn't respond, pretended I didn't see it and he came over to my desk a little later to ask why I didn't respond to the text he sent yesterday evening, I told him my phone was off and I didn't see it. I think he realised I was being cold to him cause he left very quickly. I just want him to leave me alone. Not that I wanted him to call me over the weekend but the entire weekend passed and u only remembered me late yesterday evening and want to act today like everything is ok? Things have not been ok since wednesday and you don't seem to realise that. Some friend you are. I need help guys. Serious help. I am so angry right now.
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Sugahoney... I'm very emotional and I have found that the wrong person brings out the worst in me! The right people bring out the best in me! The right guy won't mind a whole lot of emotion because there are many many good things that come along with that if those are things he appreciates! I think the above is SO very wise and true!
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Sugahoney, tell him to leave you alone. Tell him you need some time to process everything.
Kamille Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 So apparently this is going to be harder than I thought. I have been at work for about an hour so far, and he has already tried talking to me twice. I was only at work for a few minutes when he sent me an email saying good morning. I didn't respond, pretended I didn't see it and he came over to my desk a little later to ask why I didn't respond to the text he sent yesterday evening, I told him my phone was off and I didn't see it. I think he realised I was being cold to him cause he left very quickly. I just want him to leave me alone. Not that I wanted him to call me over the weekend but the entire weekend passed and u only remembered me late yesterday evening and want to act today like everything is ok? Things have not been ok since wednesday and you don't seem to realise that. Some friend you are. I need help guys. Serious help. I am so angry right now. ((sugahoney)). You feel angry? Get angry. What he did, drop the "I'm going back with my ex" speech and then acted like nothing happened is very insensitive. Sounds like he expects you to be all over him, competing for his attention, like he expected to have the upper hand here and now he's panicking because you have the good sense of not getting involved in a detrimental relationship. You're doing good suga, stay on course. Deep breathe and think about how strong you are. You might want to tell him, like loveslife suggested, that you need time to process everything. I would do this calmly, a "we are two adults here" kind of tone. The point is that you have to do everything you can to stay balanced. This means giving yourself the space you need to put your well-being first.
Author sugahoney Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 He called me a little while ago to do something work related for him and he sounded as if he was about to cry. I know I should get no pleasure from this but it serves his ass right. Maybe I imagined it but if he does feel like crying now he knows how I feel. This morning when I was parking his ex was driving out of the parking lot with his car so it looks like they are back together. He made his choice and I am moving on by the time he realises that he made a mistake it will be too late. Being in control feels so good. I am looking out for my best interests now and that does not include being friends with him. Kamile and loveslife-I have tried telling him so many times that I need space and he just won't listen. So I will do what I have to do and stop wasting time with him.
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Good for you Sugahoney. Sounds like you have it well under control. Guys like him will cry and plead and do whatever they have to do in order to get control. He doesn't want to lose control of you, pure and simple. But you see that you're the one with control of you.
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