GrayClouds Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 It makes no sense at all that I still find myself brought to tears about this person. It been 2 months with some very good days. I know she is not worth the energy but still she is taking it anyway. I coming back from out of town visiting some friends. The airport was full of happy couples on holiday or single women dressed to kill. The whole time I am thinking of the empty place I am coming back to and f@cking loneliness. I am no good for anyone else at this point, but I really dont want to be alone any more. So I end up missing the person who treated me like crap. Link to post Share on other sites
moo Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Well I have two reasons why I want to contact the arsewipe that threw me away. 1-Not all times were bad. Some were very good. 2-I still have lots of things I need to tell him. I want to bring to his attention in person what he did to me and tell him I feel like he duped me and took advantage of me. I really wanted to contact him today. My roommate talked me out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 There's a third reason: When we have no love-life in our life, then the crappy love we remember is better than no love at all. It's incredible how quickly people get over it when they earnt the affection from someone new. But the only way to do this is to focus on you and pick yourself up by your bootstraps and fer chrissakes "man up" and get over yourself.... That bit's harsh. But permitting yourself to wallow, just brings you down. Deny permission, lift your chin, and get out there and get some good time! Link to post Share on other sites
moo Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I know I will get over him very quickly if I started dating someone else. But I don't want to do that. Instead, I choose to suffer through. I want to develop self-strength. I do wallow alot, but not as much as I used to. I'm very angry, but not as much as I used to be. However, I do have some very angry movements, as prooved in the "Post this instead of contacting your ex" post. Still, overall, the anger is lessening. Speaking of pulling ourselves up, TaraMaiden, you have changed my life. I'm not in shape to do regular yoga, but I'm getting there. I am doing Chinese yoga though CHI- and it really helps. Thank you so much for suggesting yoga. My body is really benefitting from it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 No, Moo, I did nothing. The credit is yours for seeking a viable option, and running with it. Bless you for your kindness, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayClouds Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 There's a third reason: When we have no love-life in our life, then the crappy love we remember is better than no love at all. It's incredible how quickly people get over it when they earnt the affection from someone new. But the only way to do this is to focus on you and pick yourself up by your bootstraps and fer chrissakes "man up" and get over yourself.... That bit's harsh. But permitting yourself to wallow, just brings you down. Deny permission, lift your chin, and get out there and get some good time! OUCH! lol point taken ( understanding you have my interested in mind). But... in 2 months I started running 4 days a week, weights 6 days a week, walking 7 days a week. got some great cookware, learning to do some darn good healthy cooking, spending times with friends, got on anti d meds, lost weight, bought new clothes, got off soda, taking care of a brand new dog (X's idea just before she left) and whiting my teeth So its not from a lack of effort yet I get get down find myself lonely. So where is the line between allowing yourself the process of letting go and wallowing? 2 months I should be over it? As most of us knows sometimes the ghost are hard to shake, weekends often being the most haunted. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I'm the same way GrayClouds. I've realized so many things wrong with my ex, yet I sit here and miss here as if I need her like oxygen. I guess I just love her with all her faults included, I never said she was perfect. And also like you said, "not for lack of effort", I've overcome my social anxiety and gone out with my friends more in the past few weeks than I have in the last few years combined, I've been working out, eating healthy, got a job (but lost it), been getting into my hobbies again, etc. When I tell people I still miss her it creates this idea that I've been laying in bed eating cookies and crying, but that's not it at all. I've been trying 110% to move on but I still love her with all my heart. Maybe you're right, maybe thinking about a crappy lover is better than having nobody to think about. Or maybe we really do just love them and want it to work. Link to post Share on other sites
lizzylizliz Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I'm not sure. But we still do. It's stupid, and I get so cross with myself for doing it (sometimes, I'm just like 'why?! He treated you badly, you left him because of this!!!) Just stay strong. Many other posters here say that there were good as well as bad times...and its a shame that these seem to be the ones that plague us the most when we're down. Remember...everything happens for a reason, and you are strong enough to lead a fulfilled life without relying on someone else, someone who definately didn't deserve you. This is all a process, we go through it and it makes us stronger...the most hossible kind of experience, but an experience nonetheless. One day, you'll look back, smile, and think about what a load of BS it all was, and how much you've grown as a person, deserve better, and no doubt have better Chin up. You're stronger than you realise. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 OUCH! lol point taken ( understanding you have my interested in mind). But... in 2 months I started running 4 days a week, weights 6 days a week, walking 7 days a week. got some great cookware, learning to do some darn good healthy cooking, spending times with friends, got on anti d meds, lost weight, bought new clothes, got off soda, taking care of a brand new dog (X's idea just before she left) and whiting my teeth I think I love you..... So its not from a lack of effort yet I get get down find myself lonely. So where is the line between allowing yourself the process of letting go and wallowing? Letting yourself go through the process is both natural and essential. But those who do so wisely, are aware, throughout, that a process is taking place, and small, slow almost imperceptible changes are occurring.... What you're doing is admirable and I am sure that with this attitude, you're going to be fine.... "T'is part of the Cure to wish to be Cured". No doubt about where you stand.... 2 months I should be over it? As most of us knows sometimes the ghost are hard to shake, weekends often being the most haunted. Evenings. and Nights. They're the real bitch. You know why? Because it is during the night that the body at rest, implements any physical healing we require. It's when the systems close or slow down, that the body goes into repair mode. That's why we feel like crap last thing at night, and first thing in the morning. Because the body's ejecting all the crap. it comes to the surface. Same with the mind and Emotions... it's all churning up and shifting, then..... But as the day wears on, and everything slips back into gear, then we become invigorated, and the crappy symptoms subside.... A heavy cold? About a week. Something like this? Yes, way more than two months..... But a strong attitude, and a determination to make progress and not stay stuck, are the most healthy things to cultivate..... be well..... Link to post Share on other sites
Losing Faith Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 OUCH! lol point taken ( understanding you have my interested in mind). But... in 2 months I started running 4 days a week, weights 6 days a week, walking 7 days a week. got some great cookware, learning to do some darn good healthy cooking, spending times with friends, got on anti d meds, lost weight, bought new clothes, got off soda, taking care of a brand new dog (X's idea just before she left) and whiting my teeth So its not from a lack of effort yet I get get down find myself lonely. So where is the line between allowing yourself the process of letting go and wallowing? 2 months I should be over it? As most of us knows sometimes the ghost are hard to shake, weekends often being the most haunted. GrayClouds, I feel your pain. In you mind, you know you deserve to be with someone better... but your heart still aches for your ex. Why is that so? Why can't our mind and hearts be the same. It sounds like you have been doing a lot to physically keep busy, which is great. But are you doing these things to get your ex's attention or get her back? Or are you doing these strictly for you? To me, it's sounds like you are going through the motions of letting go and moving on... but mentally, I am guessing you are not letting yourself let go of her. It's going to hurt for awhile and feel lonely, but it's ok to let go. If you two were ment to be, your paths will cross again when it's ment to happen. You need to keep moving forward. Love yourself more then you love your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayClouds Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 But are you doing these things to get your ex's attention or get her back? Or are you doing these strictly for you? To me, it's sounds like you are going through the motions of letting go and moving on... but mentally, I am guessing you are not letting yourself let go of her. Losing Faith good post... The truth may be somewhere in between. The physical helps with the endorphins and keeping the depression away, and to be physically attractive for if and when the next comes along. But maybe I am also looking to disprove her crappy reasons for cheating on me and to show her what she gave up. Insightful and something to think about, I hate when that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayClouds Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 I think I love you..... I bet it was the teeth whitening that did you in! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 nah, it was the cooking... last time a guy cooked for me, I paid him to do it in a restaurant..... Link to post Share on other sites
moo Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 OUCH! lol point taken ( understanding you have my interested in mind). But... in 2 months I started running 4 days a week, weights 6 days a week, walking 7 days a week. got some great cookware, learning to do some darn good healthy cooking, spending times with friends, got on anti d meds, lost weight, bought new clothes, got off soda, taking care of a brand new dog (X's idea just before she left) and whiting my teeth So its not from a lack of effort yet I get get down find myself lonely. So where is the line between allowing yourself the process of letting go and wallowing? 2 months I should be over it? As most of us knows sometimes the ghost are hard to shake, weekends often being the most haunted. That's great...but weight lifting 6 days a week- is that overdoing it? These are good things, but are you processing the break up? In therapy and self-help books I have done many exercises to help me process the break up. My therapist called it cleaning the wound: Journaling, listing what I brought to the relationship and what he brought to the relationship, writing about what my role in the relationship was and what his was, drawing what I felt like when he left, and many more exercises plus deep breathing techniques to relax me, thought stopping so I don't get caught up in whys. There's a lot to do in order to process your break up. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Hi Gray. First of all, it's very easy to miss someone who once mean't so much to you. We are all human and have feelings. Now, the fact that she did not treat you right.. is a sign thats she's not the right one for you. It's only been two months.. just give it time. You can and will get past this. Trust me I've been there more than once. Best wishes. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 This is a brilliant exercise...I did this for myself when getting over a period of abuse..... I looked it all up about 5 years ago, and thought to myself "What a pile of bo**ocks!" I ctually laughed at myself It's great, because every word was heartfelt and sincere, at the time.... talk about 'moving on'..... It will be fine. You'll be fine. You'll see...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayClouds Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 That's great...but weight lifting 6 days a week- is that overdoing it? Chest, shoulder, biceps x 3 days Back, legs X 3 days These are good things, but are you processing the break up? Does barking at the moom count as processing? thanks everyone Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayClouds Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do. nice quote, now can I send it to the X.... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 You're very welcome to... But it's not originally mine.... I got it from a book by Lama Surya Das.... but then, I think he was quoting too..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayClouds Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Einstein said being a genius is knowing who to steal from (which was a quote he lifted from a previous renown scientist) The thing I cant understand is why it feels like I am back sliding. A couple of weeks ago I was doing pretty good. Now I am closer to those earlier weeks of doubt, self flagellation, and loneliness. I guess I am looking for this to be a nice linear progression from madness to misery to new found manly mirth. Just not going to be is it... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Given that everything - but everything - in life works cyclically....there is no question that this will ever go in a straight line. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I apologize that I haven't read all the posts in this thread, but I think another factor is that when we get dumped, it's natural for our self esteem to take a dive, so that sense that "we deserve better" takes a bit longer to surface. And the catch 22 is that we need that realization to help heal from the current pain, so it's all kind of circular. Plus losing a relationship, even when it wasn't perfect, means losing the dream -- and dreams are all about the fantasy and the happy ending. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayClouds Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Coping? Nope, not right now. Its not the madness/insanity of the first 3 weeks but close to it. After a couple of good weeks....ITS BACK. The Obsession, self-doubt and sadness is the soup of the day and has been for the last 5 days. I am tired of eating it, sick of the taste, and really starting to wear me down. My friends are tired of me. The dog is getting tired of me. The dog would rather be with my friends and the friends would rather be with the dog. I am tired of me and rather not be with any of them right now, specially myself. 2 hour run on Sunday, 2 hour hike on Monday, Cook fiestas lastnight, finished a book, journaling, walked the dog this AM, had breakfast with friends this morning, trying to think happy thoughts (weeee!) , don't know what else to do. Damn it. Link to post Share on other sites
t0ri Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 There's a third reason: When we have no love-life in our life, then the crappy love we remember is better than no love at all. So very true!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 ...... don't know what else to do. Damn it. take a good hot shower. Shave off your hair, and look in the mirror and tell yourself - "you feel like sh*t on the inside, and now you look like sh*t on the outside". If you wouldn't shave off your hair, and make yourself look a complete numbnut, then why do it to yourself on the inside? Remember, you're in charge of you,. And while I think sometimes a bit of back-and-forth is understandable (let alone right and proper) there comes a time - and you imply this in your post - that you become sick 'n' tired of being like this. I used to have a "whymeee" complex. (After a while, I caled it a 'whine'me complex.....) And I came to the realisation that the only reason I kept asking "why me" was - because there was no answer. So one day I sez to myself, I sez... "TM" I sez, "Today you are going to be miserable. Yup. I'll give you that, no problem. It's allowed. BUT: Look at the clock. It's now Eight am. You have one hour. Just one hour to really vent, wallow, cry, scream, rant, bellow and complain. Go on, off you go. get it out of your system. And when the hands reach 9 am - shut up. Stop. anything after that just makes you a right tit. ready? GO!" And so I did. I completely indulged myself and let rip. And I did - I stopped at 9am. And then, the next day, I cut it down to 40 minutes. And then, a few days after that, down to 30.... until one day, feeling like crap warmed up, I said - "Sorry. No time for that. You should now be too busy enjoying yourself to let yourself go through it one more minute. When misery comes visiting, put your coat on and tell it you're just going out, so letting it in is out of the question, because you're not home to misery. Even nowadays, if i feel down, i give myself 20 minutes. No more. So. feel like shaving your head? Link to post Share on other sites
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