tmoe Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 To me this is the the kiss of death. We have been separated for 4 months now. We have talked over the phone just about every other day, and last week we had dinner together twice, but I can help it and I keep asking her for another chance and to stop the divorce. She says I am pushing her, but I just want her to know that I have changed. She filed for divorce 3 months ago and I have been trying to get her to change her mind everyday since. I thought that I would feel better by now, but it just keeps getting worse everyday. I want another chance so badly, I am so devastated. I can't eat, I can't sleep. She won't talk to me because she says I am too pushy. Space and time is what she says she needs. I look at it like-- she wants space and time so that she can forget about me entirely and push me enitrely out of her life. Out of site out of mind. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. 10 years now seem lost. I really don't know what to do or if I can actually make it through this.
truegirl Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I went through the same thing when my ex-husband I were seperating... When she is telling you she needs her space... I was in your position. Listen to what she is asking and do it. By giving space and time you both find what you really want. You bringing this up everyday to her only makes her push you away and she does the opposite of what you want. There is a lot of anxiety when giving someone space, it's that unknown that is a killer... Go get some hobbies, make some new friends; do not broach the subject of stopping the divorce. Check in with her about once a week. You think she will forget about you; she needs time to figure out if she misses you; she can't do that with you always calling. She has the control so take it back... Do what she is asking. Change the tune and you will see results.
Author tmoe Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I will try to stop calling her. It will take every piece of me to put the phone down, but I will do it. The unknown scares me to no end. The pain I feel now seems like it will never go away. I don't see how I'll make it through this.
floridapad Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Give her plenty of space. But let her know you need space too now to think. And do the 180's or NC. Google divorce buster and you will see it somewhere on their blog. But be disciplined about it. It will be painful to do but you are already in pain. This will be a looong haul. Accept that. What ever the outcome is it will surely be a long haul and you will make it through. Yes you have changed but she can't see it right now and you telling her this will not awaken her. You need to take small steps with your actions not your words. I read some where that women like lots of small actions and men tend to give more big actions. My suggestion for what it's worth. Send her a letter saying you respect her decision and will give her the space she needs. Tell her one LAST time you love her never say it again. Also let her know that you are moving on and do it. She will gain respect for you and you will gain a little bit of precious control/power back. Do the 180's or NC. If you do right the letter, make it short and sweet. She will not hear long romantic soul felt words. Yes you definately need to stop calling her. Just a heads up. When you do stop calling she will miss the security and call you for some petty thing just to make sure you are still on her fishing line. Don't fall for it. You HAVE to stay strong with your game plan or she will take back what little control/power you may have regained by doing 180's or NC.
beachbum84 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 From my experience, when I asked my H for space it was b/c I was at the end of my rope (so the speak), I really did just need time apart to cool down, get some solid ground under my feet, and then see how much damage had been done and go from there. At first his unwillingness to give the space was frustrating, I didn't rush and file for divorce, so I thought that was a big sign that I wasn't out, just needed time to clear the funky fog. Its been two weeks and some MC now and he has moved back home today. I know its early, but I'm hopeful. I can't speak for every woman, but I know for me when I felt swallowed whole by the situation, I needed space so I could breathe again. If you allow her the space she needs you BOTH will see things much more clearly. Of course IMO.
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 It was over yesterday, it was over today, and in so far as your know? Its going to be over tomorrow. That's just the way it is! Your fault, her fault ~ matters not! That's just the way it is. All of this supplicating "Honey I've changed! I love your business makes you look like a little boy with his pants down around your ankles in her eyes. (Sorry but its true) The actual fact of the matter? She left you mentally and emotionally months ago? She's just getting around to doing so physically now. beachbum84 advice is biased. She's an exceptionally patient, caring, loving, giving, intelligent woman. She's a rare find with a lot of love to give the right man. Your best bet? Move on and go on with your life. Its not that your this bad person ~ that made all of these horrendous mistakes ~ so much as you just didn't have a whole lot of experience when it comes to long term relationships? You just didn't have the skill set, knowledge, experience to 'pull it off' These skills, knowledge and experiences are not taught ~ but learned! The hard way! By living Life! Take a "Fool's Advice" Leave her alone!
ryepatch Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 To me this is the the kiss of death. We have been separated for 4 months now. We have talked over the phone just about every other day, and last week we had dinner together twice, but I can help it and I keep asking her for another chance and to stop the divorce. She says I am pushing her, but I just want her to know that I have changed. She filed for divorce 3 months ago and I have been trying to get her to change her mind everyday since. I thought that I would feel better by now, but it just keeps getting worse everyday. I want another chance so badly, I am so devastated. I can't eat, I can't sleep. She won't talk to me because she says I am too pushy. Space and time is what she says she needs. I look at it like-- she wants space and time so that she can forget about me entirely and push me enitrely out of her life. Out of site out of mind. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. 10 years now seem lost. I really don't know what to do or if I can actually make it through this. god, my feelings exactly, except we're not in contact. 10 yrs together, separate 3 months, she filed 6 wks ago, i'm totally obsessed with it and it's getting worse everyday. i get the same thing "space and time." other people will say don't talk to her, but that hasn't worked for me. although, we're not divorced yet. just a horrible limbo. didn't mean to threadjack, just wanted you to know there's somebody out there in almost exactly the same situation as you. one thing i've learned from this forum--be thankful that you don't have some of the specific problems and complications other people are having, and hold onto that. in my case, no affair, no "i don't love you anymore," for example. no "we've grown apart." it's not a lot, and i have a lot of problems other people don't have. . . but it helps to think about what could be worse about your situation. yours is still talking to you. . . i guess i'd say try to make the conversation less frequent, less pressured, more carefully planned out. i don't know if i can make it through this, either. i keep thinking, some of us won't. it's a morbid thought, i know. people keep saying eventually i'll have to give up on her and consider a life by myself. . . i'm not there yet. my therapist said, don't let anyone push you. hang on to hope, it might be an emotional crutch, but we're crippled, some of us will need crutches for longer than others. hope you found something in my ramblings that helped.
seibert253 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Stop pushing, stop calling, 180, and go LC. She calls, don't answer let it go to VM. She texts, don't answer. Call and answer her on your terms. She needs to see you're moving on. Also, is there an OM in the picture? Before you say "no way", ARE YOU SURE? If you gut is telling you something else is going on, usually it is. You need to investigate and be sure there's not an intruder in your marriage.
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