I wanted him back

[yic]

Last year I asked my boyfriend of 5.5 years for a break. I wanted time off to be alone, I told him not to wait for me, and said he should date other girls because I didn't know how long it would take. We eventually broke up for real because he said it was either all or nothing. Although we kept in contact during that year, we minimized contact as much as possible. Fast forward a year, I sort things through, but he moved on and met a girl.

 

After I found out about this girl, I flipped out and became jealous. My first instinct was to ask for him back, but I gave myself some time so that I could be sure that these strong feelings were of love and not just jealousy. Eventually I confessed to him, he told me it was too late, that he thought things could go somewhere with this girl, and that if I had come to him months earlier, things would've been different.

 

For the next month or so, I got what I deserved, I kicked myself for taking things for granted, for letting my first love go, and I went into deep depression. We kept in contact during that month, but it was because I was still hanging onto him.

 

After that month the unimaginable happened, he called me one night, and said that if I was willing to work on the relationship, he would break things off with his current gf. We reconciled that night, but I interrogated him on how far things went with that girl. I was unhappy with his answer, but I told him I could handle it.

 

It's been over two months since we got back together, and things have been great. I'm so grateful for this second chance, but I haven't been able to forget the girl. Although I no longer think about her everyday, the thought of her still makes me insecure and distrusting.

 

We've tried talking about this, but I feel bad bringing it up because every time I do, he feels ashamed, and I tell him not to feel that way because he didn't cheat on me and did nothing wrong. At the same time, I can't help but feel betrayed that even after I confessed my feelings to him, he stayed with her for a month. I can't help but think he wanted to see how things would go with her, in their new relationship, before coming back to me.

 

We tried talking about this again last night and he told me that from the moment I confessed, he wanted to tell me how much he loved me. But I can't seem to understand... if that was the case, why did he stay with her for another month? When I said that, he got extremely angry (rightfully so). I can tell that he wants me to drop it altogether.

 

I keep trying to focus my thoughts elsewhere, and think about how much pain I've put him through this past year. Even though I believe I'm in the wrong, and I keep telling myself not to feel this way, I can't seem to get over myself.

 

Should I go get therapy? I can't bring this up with him anymore because I'm scared he'll get angry and it'll just hurt our relationship even more.

[dianna]

You'll get over it someday.Don't focus on it and don't bring it up.If you focus to much , you will end up breaking up again and this time for good.Just enjoy your second chance.GAH..I ENVY YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

[seoa]

...My first instinct was to ask for him back, but I gave myself some time so that I could be sure that these strong feelings were of love and not just jealousy.

 

...After that month the unimaginable happened, he called me one night, and said that if I was willing to work on the relationship, he would break things off with his current gf.

 

...but I haven't been able to forget the girl. Although I no longer think about her everyday, the thought of her still makes me insecure and distrusting.

 

...I can't help but feel betrayed that even after I confessed my feelings to him, he stayed with her for a month. I can't help but think he wanted to see how things would go with her, in their new relationship, before coming back to me.

 

...he told me that from the moment I confessed, he wanted to tell me how much he loved me. But I can't seem to understand... if that was the case, why did he stay with her for another month?

 

What's the difference...? You had the initial thought "maybe I want him back" - then waited a while to see if it was 'real' or just momentary...

 

He did the same thing...

 

I would say that it means more, that he didn't just turn around in 2 minutes & dump the other girl (it was hardly her fault) but made a full & considered decision...

 

It shows wisdom & maturity... You should be praising him for that, and enjoying the similarity with the way that you think /process decision-making...

 

Pretty much you need to *choose* to stop obsessing, or you are choosing to sabotage this second chance... Don't do that to this poor guy...!

 

More interestingly - why did you request the break (for a YEAR!!!) and have you resolved those underlying issues...?

[boogieboy]

You made him your option last year, he should be angry with you for that. You are just mad now that YOU became the option. You have NO right to be mad. It was his choice to get back with you, not yours. You hurt him and he had to recover. What he did with that girl was none of your business. He had to move on, and he did what he should have done, which was not to wait for you. Then he had to decide if he wanted to take a chance with you again, he might have been scared that you would have to "find yourself" again and he would give up the good girl that he was with.

 

So you eliminated one problem, and developed another one. Youre gonna wind up breaking it off with him for this because you cant get the other woman out of your head. You are jealous, but you just dont like that you were an option for a month. You deserved it, you told him to move on. Now you have to work on figuring out how to not think about his reasons for leaving you as an option for a month. It will take some mental work, but you will have to either work on not thinking about this, or break it off. You have no right to be upset at him. He doesnt owe you an explanation for things done while you were apart.

 

Kudos for recognizing tyour problem and trying to communicate it with him.

[yic]

Thanks everyone, I really needed help sorting my feelings. I was leaning towards two sides, bringing it up again (talking everything out, but that would probably go nowhere), or just forgetting it completely. I was scared that I will never be able to forget it, but if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him, there's no other choice.

 

I can see that it would be better to just bury it. I don't want to sabotage this again, that's a huge part of the reason why I requested the break in the first place, I have self-destructive tendencies...

 

I really needed to hear it... everything that boogieboy said to me is everything my bf should've said to me, but he's been really accommodating to me.

[boogieboy]

Thanks everyone, I really needed help sorting my feelings. I was leaning towards two sides, bringing it up again (talking everything out, but that would probably go nowhere), or just forgetting it completely. I was scared that I will never be able to forget it, but if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him, there's no other choice.

 

I can see that it would be better to just bury it. I don't want to sabotage this again, that's a huge part of the reason why I requested the break in the first place, I have self-destructive tendencies...

 

I really needed to hear it... everything that boogieboy said to me is everything my bf should've said to me, but he's been really accommodating to me.

 

I know you want to be happy with him, Im sure he wont bring her up. Maybe instead of bugging him about your jealousy issues, type out your feelingsr. I think venting it will help you in time. By the time you start to get over it, you might be able to look back on the first few letters and see how far youve come, and see how you dont need to obsess over this.

 

Dont show it to anyone, its just so you can let the feelings out when they show up. I think you can overcome this with time and willpower. I think if you really have self destructive tendencies, its only because you didnt check your emotions with thinking, which is a rough process...

[irishsimon]

Its not easy to get your head around no matter what way you look at it. I'm sure your bond seems violated in some way. Your reactions are fairly normal I reckon. I know I would feel the same. I've thought about if I ever got back with my ex if she had been with someone I'd be a bit jealous. My ex ex had serious issues and we split a few times and she was always with other guys in those times. I found it hard to accept and it seeped into our connection and it killed it in the end. Not before its time though. Its not right or wrong. Its human nature. It may be considered wrong but you cant control how you feel just your reaction to it.

 

As everyone says you will have to accept it to move to be together but also consider your boyfriend.. if you cant let it go it may make him feel guilty and then he might possibly resent you.

[yic]

After boogieboy's post, I apologized to my boyfriend, and said it wasn't any of my business to know how far they went. Just because I confessed my feelings, and he still had feelings for me, that doesn't mean I had any claim over him at that time. He didn't say anything for a while, and then told me he just wanted to forget everything.

 

What I'm noticing is that I want to talk about everything that happened this past year, and he doesn't want to mention it at all. So I do think a journal would be a good idea.

 

After reading everyone's advice, I feel calmer, saner, and less jealous. But I am sad (I can only hope this means I'm making progress). Although I want to love and accept every part of him, I have to realize that his history of ex's is the one thing he can't share with me.

 

I agree a bit with irishsimon. I do think my boyfriend and I share a special bond, and it kills me a little to know that he shared that with another girl. I'm not going to break up with him over this, he deserves more than that from me.

 

Enough venting, I have to save that for my blog/journal not the forum.

[mickleb]

I'm sorry yic but I can't help but feel some anger towards you.

 

I know you are here for support but my support to you is this: I think you probably do need some therapy.

 

I can appreciate that your message to your ex was one of kindness, when you broke it off, that he should date others and get over you. I can appreciate that you know you have no right to be angry or upset with him now. But you seem to me to be unable to appreciate what you have here. I feel as though you sabotaged the relationship once and your doing it again. And that's where my anger comes from!

 

I feel as though you are unable to be happy. You should be over the f*cking MOON! You rejected the love of your life and a YEAR later, were forgiven and you are still picking holes?

 

Of COURSE you will have uncomfortable feelings about him with other women. Did you not consider this, before asking for him back? Did you not consider this and then DEAL with it before asking for him back? That is the very least you should have done.

 

Please do think about why YOU are unable to be happy. Why YOU look a gift-horse in the mouth and why YOU are the reason this poor man may have to go through a second round of HEARTBREAK because of YOU.

 

Am I being rough here? YES. But I feel compelled to say all of this because, if I were in the shoes of your boyfriend, I'd tell you to get lost FOREVER for having a problem like this!

 

I, personally, think you should get counselling and then invite your boyfriend to go to couples counselling. If he refuses, that's fine but he may well be SEETHING underneath!

 

Be very wary, is my message to you. And I AM sorry if you find it hurtful.

 

Take care and the very best of luck. x