Author loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I think so too - I do trust him, so I can only imagine that the reason it bugs me is the respect thing. He has plenty of girl friends and I don't have a problem with any of them - but, they also have shown me that they respect our relationship. Wow, I think I just had an epiphany or something. THe more I think about it, the more I see a huge and very clear distinction between how the ex-gfs treat my bf and how how his girl friends treat him. Loveslife, do you think you treat your ex differently than you treat other friends of the opposite sex, perhaps because of the previous closeness of your relationship? Yes, now that you mention it, I do. We have a special bond. I have to be honest though I'm not sure if it's to do with the previous romantic/sexual relationship or just the fact that he's one of my oldest and closest friends. We've known each other almost 20 years. I think of him more as a brother now than as an ex-flame.
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 We have a special bond. I have to be honest though I'm not sure if it's to do with the previous romantic/sexual relationship or just the fact that he's one of my oldest and closest friends. We've known each other almost 20 years. I think of him more as a brother now than as an ex-flame. I think that's a wonderful thing, regardless of impetus. Good friends are hard to find, much less those who approach sibling status. As an only child, I'm a bit envious.
New Again Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I think one of the deciding factors for how easily an ex can actually be a healthy friend once the other ex starts dating others, is how they came to terms with the relationship's failure. Say I date a guy and I had some serious feelings for him but he was always letting me down and treating me with less regard than I felt I should accept. I choose to make the hard decision to break up and part of how I move on is to tell myself: "It wasn't me, it was him and his inability to really make a woman an integral part of his life. He is a mess; he may always be a mess and it was smart of me to get out before I lost my self esteem and grew to hate him." And I grow to accept this as fact so well that I can have a "friendship" with him. I might even get to see him re-enforce my belief by witnessing him screw up his next relationship(s)! It makes me say "See! so glad I wised up because he treats his friends with much more respect than he does his GFs". And we will have a grand old friendship (one where I get to use him as ego food because I like to believe he still sweats me as I WAS the dumper after all )! That is.....till I have to see him meet a woman well suited for him at a time where he has become mature enough to realize it. Perhaps he did some growing up and can now have a decent relationship, but I won't want to see this! It will call into question everything I used to comfort myself and now I might find myself thinking "he is such a great guy as a friend and if I had just stuck it out, I could have been the girl he decides to be a great BF for too!" And I will seeth inside and hate the girl who came along at the right time and think she has something I lack..... When really it is more about maturity and timing than any lack the ex might have. If her self esteem is really mostly tinsel and pretend, she won't be able to accept this and she will be a cold breeze to the new GF. This is such an insightful post! Yes, now that you mention it, I do. We have a special bond. I have to be honest though I'm not sure if it's to do with the previous romantic/sexual relationship or just the fact that he's one of my oldest and closest friends. We've known each other almost 20 years. I think of him more as a brother now than as an ex-flame. My bf's ex's don't have that excuse - the oldest and closet friend one I mean. They still treat him more like a bf, and they still act like they're entitled to certain bf-type things from him (IMO). The girl friends act just like they're friends.
Author loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I think that's a wonderful thing, regardless of impetus. Good friends are hard to find, much less those who approach sibling status. As an only child, I'm a bit envious. It really is very special. And I'm coming to see how unique it is.
Author loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 My bf's ex's don't have that excuse - the oldest and closet friend one I mean. They still treat him more like a bf, and they still act like they're entitled to certain bf-type things from him (IMO). The girl friends act just like they're friends. What types of things?
New Again Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 What types of things? I feel like it's hard to verbalize. The girl friends could be just another guy - as in the way they interact with my bf they could be the same sex. If that makes sense. They say hello and goodbye with hugs and kisses on the cheek, whereas with a guy it's a little different, but other than that it's the same kind of interaction. The ex's....are much more physical. Where the girl friends treat us as a couple (asking us both to do things, making comments on fb on OUR pictures, not excluding me from conversations, etc.), the ex's treat my bf as their property and like I'm stealing him or something. They never include me, either in activities or in conversation. They never comment on anything that has to do with us as a couple, only things that are strictly related to him. They try to be much more physical than hugs and kisses hello. They use "couple" body language when they are near him. They (mostly the most recent ex) continue to try to use him as their primary emotional support, they decline to go to an event or outing they know I'll be at (this happened a couple of times with the most recent ex - she was going until she found out I was), they constantly write fb status updates about my bf.... I feel like I'm not doing a good job explaining it.
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I'm hearing about responsibility BF needs to accept. IMO, the burden of responsibility is always upon the committed person to create an environment with friends which is conducive to and healthy for their primary relationship.
Author loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 The ex's....are much more physical. Where the girl friends treat us as a couple (asking us both to do things, making comments on fb on OUR pictures, not excluding me from conversations, etc.), the ex's treat my bf as their property and like I'm stealing him or something. They never include me, either in activities or in conversation. They never comment on anything that has to do with us as a couple, only things that are strictly related to him. They try to be much more physical than hugs and kisses hello. They use "couple" body language when they are near him. They (mostly the most recent ex) continue to try to use him as their primary emotional support, they decline to go to an event or outing they know I'll be at (this happened a couple of times with the most recent ex - she was going until she found out I was), they constantly write fb status updates about my bf.... I feel like I'm not doing a good job explaining it. It sounds like your bf isn't doing a good job with boundaries. He is one half of the interaction dynamics. Do you feel that?
Lauriebell82 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I know that I would feel very weird if my fiance was friends with his ex or hung around her. It's not so much that I don't trust my fiance, I would just be weirded out to think about how they had been together previously. Plus I may be a little suspicious of HER motives for the "friendship." I know my fiance would feel the same way about the situation I think.
sally4sara Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I feel like it's hard to verbalize. The girl friends could be just another guy - as in the way they interact with my bf they could be the same sex. If that makes sense. They say hello and goodbye with hugs and kisses on the cheek, whereas with a guy it's a little different, but other than that it's the same kind of interaction. The ex's....are much more physical. Where the girl friends treat us as a couple (asking us both to do things, making comments on fb on OUR pictures, not excluding me from conversations, etc.), the ex's treat my bf as their property and like I'm stealing him or something. They never include me, either in activities or in conversation. They never comment on anything that has to do with us as a couple, only things that are strictly related to him. They try to be much more physical than hugs and kisses hello. They use "couple" body language when they are near him. They (mostly the most recent ex) continue to try to use him as their primary emotional support, they decline to go to an event or outing they know I'll be at (this happened a couple of times with the most recent ex - she was going until she found out I was), they constantly write fb status updates about my bf.... I feel like I'm not doing a good job explaining it. No, you described it quite well. Lock up your gas tank dear; a new fuel system is costly!
New Again Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 It sounds like your bf isn't doing a good job with boundaries. He is one half of the interaction dynamics. Do you feel that? I do - more so in our early dating stages, and I'm having a hard time getting over that. Recently we've had a couple of conversations - he went out to dinner alone with his ex and didn't tell me before hand, I found out from the internet (haha ), and it was my breaking point - I totally blew up. Before that we had talked about it a little (him saying they're just friends and he'll hang out with his friends if he wants, but that he won't let them interfere with a romantic relationship and me saying oh but they are and how can you not see it); when I flipped out on him for some reason he finally got that I was serious I guess. I think part of the reason it was difficult for me to insist on certain things was I felt I didn't have the right to - even though we were "together" for months we weren't "official." So things are much better now, but I feel that I'm still struggling with trust. For a few months now he's done everything right to make me trust him.
New Again Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 No, you described it quite well. Lock up your gas tank dear; a new fuel system is costly! I couldn't believe that story!
Author loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I couldn't believe that story! What did I miss?
Author loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I think part of the reason it was difficult for me to insist on certain things was I felt I didn't have the right to - even though we were "together" for months we weren't "official." So things are much better now, but I feel that I'm still struggling with trust. For a few months now he's done everything right to make me trust him. What do you mean you weren't official? I'm getting the impression that there's more to it than just the exes.
New Again Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 What did I miss? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201311/ Bottom of page 1 in this thread.
Author loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201311/ Bottom of page 1 in this thread. Eek! Not good.
New Again Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 What do you mean you weren't official? I'm getting the impression that there's more to it than just the exes. I PMed you.
Thornton Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Imo it's about jealousy. My bf is mine now, and I don't want him hanging around with some girl who knows intimate things about him and has slept with him before. I am the only one in his life who should know him in that way, and if someone else knows him in that way then she can't be in his life any more, because I am the only one allowed to be that close to him. It's not that I wouldn't trust him, or that I think he would cheat, or anything like that... it's jealousy, pure and simple.
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