loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Seriously, I just don't get it. This seems to be at the heart of many, many threads. What do people think? If they're thinking the partner is going to use the occasion of going to a movie alone together to cheat, it just makes no sense. A cheater doesn't need your permission.
WineCountry Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Seriously, I just don't get it. This seems to be at the heart of many, many threads. What do people think? If they're thinking the partner is going to use the occasion of going to a movie alone together to cheat, it just makes no sense. A cheater doesn't need your permission. Well, I guess because for some people, they know how the moral fiber of a lot of people is in the toilet. So, perhaps they figure, why have a fox in the hen house? It's hard enough for some people to remain faithful without having opportunities dangled in front of their nose all the time. hahahah Im being a bit sarcastic there, but seriously, It may not be such a good thing to be hanging out with someone you once cared for and had a sexual relationship with. Hmm...perhaps its also a matter of respect? I mean, going to the movies with your ex?? Why would you need to do this? You cant go with a friend that you HAVENT been in love with and slept with? I know the movies is just an example you used..but really..you would think that is ok? You cant go with your current dating partner?? Or like i said, platonic friends? The reason you see so many threads about that, is because I think it can be dangerous ground to walk on at times. No one says you still cant be friends with your ex, chat them up once in a while, etc. But, going out alone together? What GOOD can come from hanging out alone with someone who you used to care for and slept with while your current partner is at home?? Just what good can come from that?? I mean seriously, people. I never do that when I am dating someone, and i would NOT appreciate them doing that to me. I would find it disrespectful.
WineCountry Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Had to delete something..stupid computer
AlektraClementine Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I think Winecountry covered it nicely.
JohnP82 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Some people aren't comfortable with it; I know I'm not. Then again I have an ex that remained friends with her ex claiming they're just friends. Next thing I know I'm dumped and they're engaged, now married. Also I think a lot of people have a problem when it appears that the current SO is putting the ex ahead of them. I think there was a thread from earlier today in which some guy's girlfriend was hanging out with her ex-boyfriends more than him. Honestly I don't understand why people would let an ex conflict with their current SO unless they aren't serious about them. Please spare me with the "But we've been through so much and are the best of friends blah blah blah"
CLC2008 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Its about setting boundaries for yourself. In the case of New Again, she says she is neither jealous nor threatened by her boyfriend’s ongoing relationship with his ex’s. Yet, when I read her posts, it is obvious it bothers her on some level. If she or anyone else is “okay” with it, and is willing to compromise and/or dismiss their own feelings, in order to support their partner's s ongoing relationship with an ex, well then, that’s their choice. There's nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, but with anything, there are certain things that are appropriate, and others that are not. And if/when it starts to interfere with your current relationship, what then?
Author loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Oh well. I've known many people who do stay friends with exes and feel nothing is wrong with that. So, it's been surprising for me to see people feel so upset about it. I do think going through a lot together counts for something and I would never turn my back on a friend. And, to me, and others I know, that is what it is. YMMV
Author loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Oh, but p.s. I do really appreciate the responses. Trying to understand.
JohnP82 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I do think going through a lot together counts for something and I would never turn my back on a friend. And, to me, and others I know, that is what it is. YMMV So what happens when what you've gone through together gets in the way of new experiences with the current person? Honestly out of my really close group of friends (there are probably 12 of us) none of us are close with exes. I'm mean we're cordial and do the whole "what's going on in your life routine" but no trips with exes, movie night, etc that I see some people doing that drives their current SO crazy. There is no way I would let someone from my past interfere with my current and future. To each his own.
Author loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 So what happens when what you've gone through together gets in the way of new experiences with the current person? Honestly out of my really close group of friends (there are probably 12 of us) none of us are close with exes. I'm mean we're cordial and do the whole "what's going on in your life routine" but no trips with exes, movie night, etc that I see some people doing that drives their current SO crazy. There is no way I would let someone from my past interfere with my current and future. To each his own. I'm not sure what you mean about what we've gone through together getting in the way. For me, I'm thinking of post-romance experiences. For instance, this ex I've been mentioning has been there for me through a lot in the last few years. He's a really good friend. And through my crises when he's stood by me he's been married. I knew I could always count on him. Am I supposed to turn my back on him? We've been post-romance friends for over ten years. I've made it clear to guys I've been with that he's a good friend (and an ex) and nobody has given me a hard time about it. I don't know. You and I see it differently. I'm not trying to convince you, was just curious. Still don't really get it.
sally4sara Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 It isn't an impossibility to keep exes as friends, but it has to be an out in the open situation. Generally the only times it becomes a problem is: You decide up front that it will be a problem so you keep the ex a friend but don't tell your current partner you keep in contact with them. This causes problems because if your current partner finds out anyway, it makes them wonder why it was hidden. Your ex is unresolved about the relationship you use to have with them. They still feel they hold claim to some part of you and treat your current partner poorly or try to manufacture reasons why your current partner should be excluded. Sometimes this is because you give them reasons to feel this way and sometimes it is because they are crazy. Your current partner is too insecure to feel comfortable with the person around. Perhaps they dealt with a bad similar situation and said they would never be in that position again. Perhaps they are just controlling. Perhaps they know that they wouldn't be able to keep an ex around without cheating....sometimes it makes your current partner uncomfortable because they have never stayed friends with their exes and they wonder if you still love the person. I think in your case - non sexual friendship post relationship for 10 years to someone who is now married - I can't see why it would be a threatening situation to a new guy, but that is just me.
New Again Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Its about setting boundaries for yourself. In the case of New Again, she says she is neither jealous nor threatened by her boyfriend’s ongoing relationship with his ex’s. Yet, when I read her posts, it is obvious it bothers her on some level. If she or anyone else is “okay” with it, and is willing to compromise and/or dismiss their own feelings, in order to support their partner's s ongoing relationship with an ex, well then, that’s their choice. There's nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, but with anything, there are certain things that are appropriate, and others that are not. And if/when it starts to interfere with your current relationship, what then? I think on some level I'm probably jealous, but mostly it comes down to respect. I think Winecountry covered it very nicely, same with the comment that often the ex is put before the current SO. Still working on it and how I feel about it - never had to deal with it before with a previous bf
looking4 green grass Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 For me, I finally gave up on the whole ex's as friends thing. Why?? Because every single guy I have ever stayed friends with has eventually tried to start something up again. Whether they have gfs, live in gfs, or wives. And I do mean EVERY single last one of them. It's why I no longer even attempt friends and why I pitch a fit if a current bf claims "friends". If it had been one or maybe two, sure, but ALL of them???? I do think I'm a fabulous woman....but still.....telling me how sexy I still am and how much you miss me after 3 or 4 (or 6) years creeps me the hell out.
Dex Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Seriously, I just don't get it. This seems to be at the heart of many, many threads. What do people think? If they're thinking the partner is going to use the occasion of going to a movie alone together to cheat, it just makes no sense. A cheater doesn't need your permission. It has nothing to do with freaking out about the possibility of cheating. It has to do with respect. For example, going to a movie alone together with someone you have seen naked, used to have romantic feelings for, and used to sleep with, is incredibly disrespectful to any current SOs. If you want to hang out with your ex who is SUCH a great friend, invite your SOs. Don't go alone together. It's inappropriate.
Soul Bear Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Well, I guess because for some people, they know how the moral fiber of a lot of people is in the toilet. So, perhaps they figure, why have a fox in the hen house? It's hard enough for some people to remain faithful without having opportunities dangled in front of their nose all the time. hahahah Im being a bit sarcastic there, but seriously, It may not be such a good thing to be hanging out with someone you once cared for and had a sexual relationship with. Hmm...perhaps its also a matter of respect? I mean, going to the movies with your ex?? Why would you need to do this? You cant go with a friend that you HAVENT been in love with and slept with? I know the movies is just an example you used..but really..you would think that is ok? You cant go with your current dating partner?? Or like i said, platonic friends? The reason you see so many threads about that, is because I think it can be dangerous ground to walk on at times. No one says you still cant be friends with your ex, chat them up once in a while, etc. But, going out alone together? What GOOD can come from hanging out alone with someone who you used to care for and slept with while your current partner is at home?? Just what good can come from that?? I mean seriously, people. I never do that when I am dating someone, and i would NOT appreciate them doing that to me. I would find it disrespectful. Need we say anymore?!
Anahata Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 When I first started dating my husband 13 years ago, he was still in contact with his ex. Originally I thought it was OK, I figured he was "over" her since he gave me such a story of how he caught her cheating on him, they were "just friends," I have male friends, I wouldn't think it fair for him to forbid me from having contact with a previous friend, we're mature adults, yada yada yada. Flash forward 13 years and now I've come to find he's been writing her "you're my soulmate, I hate my wife" letters, and they're playing "I'm unhappily married" with each other, texting, meeting "just for coffee" or so I've been told when I confronted him with the concrete evidence I have. I'd like to say it should be a case-by-case basis based upon the individuals in question and the specifics of the previous relationship (how long ago, etc.) But in my experience, I now say it's suspicious and playing with fire. They are an "Ex" for a reason - they should stay that way. Or if you're not happy in your current relationship and can't fulfill your non-sexual social needs through platonic same-sex friendships you should have the stones to be honest with your current partner and work things out or break up and move on.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 For me, I'm thinking of post-romance experiences. For instance, this ex I've been mentioning has been there for me through a lot in the last few years. He's a really good friend. And through my crises when he's stood by me he's been married. I knew I could always count on him. My husband should lean on me and turn to ME in his times of need or crisis. WE have a life together and we need to be seeking solace from each other, and working on our issues with each other. I find it completely inappropriate to turn to a member of the opposite sex (especially one he has been intimate with) when in need of some companionship (i.e. going to the movies, or dinner, etc.), or even as a confidant about goings on in his life. It is borderline EA ground and completely disrespectful to ME -- his wife who took on a formal commitment to the man to go through the trials and tribulations of life TOGETHER. My husband's exes all want a relationship with him -- still -- and it is almost a decade since he has been with any of them. Two of my exes have come out of the woodwork decades after I had left them and professed still caring about me and just wondering how I am doing. That is thinly veiled don't you think? The truth is they wish they WEREN'T exes. And they are just looking for a window of opportunity. I won't provide that to them especially under the guise of "friendship". Exes were once possibilities of building a life together. Sorry -- it didn't work out and now there is someone filling that position of best friend, confidant, partner, and lover. Out of respect for ALL of that I would never attempt to hang onto a back up support system or sell out my husband for some guy that didn't cut the mustard in the first place. As someone said, they are exes for a reason. So they go in the archives and stay there. This statement doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the reasons why it is inappropriate or thoughtless to go on "dates" with exes. There is so much I see that is wrong with it - the post would be a pamphlet. That said I know of a couple of posters here who have maintained opposite sex friendships while married - however - I do not believe they were intimate prior to the friendship (carhill? ).
northstar1 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My husband should lean on me and turn to ME in his times of need or crisis. WE have a life together and we need to be seeking solace from each other, and working on our issues with each other. I find it completely inappropriate to turn to a member of the opposite sex (especially one he has been intimate with) when in need of some companionship (i.e. going to the movies, or dinner, etc.), or even as a confidant about goings on in his life. It is borderline EA ground and completely disrespectful to ME -- his wife who took on a formal commitment to the man to go through the trials and tribulations of life TOGETHER. My husband's exes all want a relationship with him -- still -- and it is almost a decade since he has been with any of them. Two of my exes have come out of the woodwork decades after I had left them and professed still caring about me and just wondering how I am doing. That is thinly veiled don't you think? The truth is they wish they WEREN'T exes. And they are just looking for a window of opportunity. I won't provide that to them especially under the guise of "friendship". Exes were once possibilities of building a life together. Sorry -- it didn't work out and now there is someone filling that position of best friend, confidant, partner, and lover. Out of respect for ALL of that I would never attempt to hang onto a back up support system or sell out my husband for some guy that didn't cut the mustard in the first place. As someone said, they are exes for a reason. So they go in the archives and stay there. This statement doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the reasons why it is inappropriate or thoughtless to go on "dates" with exes. There is so much I see that is wrong with it - the post would be a pamphlet. That said I know of a couple of posters here who have maintained opposite sex friendships while married - however - I do not believe they were intimate prior to the friendship (carhill? ). I agree about ex's and being respectful. But what about if you have been friends with a member of the oppostive sex for 15 years (ie. good friends since college), both of you are in relationships and happy, do you think it's also wrong for you to meet up once in a while for lunch/coffee to catch up?
New Again Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 My husband should lean on me and turn to ME in his times of need or crisis. WE have a life together and we need to be seeking solace from each other, and working on our issues with each other. I find it completely inappropriate to turn to a member of the opposite sex (especially one he has been intimate with) when in need of some companionship (i.e. going to the movies, or dinner, etc.), or even as a confidant about goings on in his life. It is borderline EA ground and completely disrespectful to ME -- his wife who took on a formal commitment to the man to go through the trials and tribulations of life TOGETHER. My husband's exes all want a relationship with him -- still -- and it is almost a decade since he has been with any of them. Two of my exes have come out of the woodwork decades after I had left them and professed still caring about me and just wondering how I am doing. That is thinly veiled don't you think? The truth is they wish they WEREN'T exes. And they are just looking for a window of opportunity. I won't provide that to them especially under the guise of "friendship". Exes were once possibilities of building a life together. Sorry -- it didn't work out and now there is someone filling that position of best friend, confidant, partner, and lover. Out of respect for ALL of that I would never attempt to hang onto a back up support system or sell out my husband for some guy that didn't cut the mustard in the first place. As someone said, they are exes for a reason. So they go in the archives and stay there. This statement doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the reasons why it is inappropriate or thoughtless to go on "dates" with exes. There is so much I see that is wrong with it - the post would be a pamphlet. That said I know of a couple of posters here who have maintained opposite sex friendships while married - however - I do not believe they were intimate prior to the friendship (carhill? ). This is such an excellent post - I wish I could be this articulate when talking about this issue with my bf!
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 TBH, I had no problem with my wife being friends with her ex'es and she remained in contact with exH#2 and an old boyfriend for a number of years (both men went on to get married and have hopefully satisfying M's of their own). I'd have no problem being friends with my wife if we were compatible as friends. I enjoy women as friends. Most men enjoy women as sexual partners; friends less or not at all. Hence the reasoning proferred. Men don't like their wives having male friends for the same reason. They 'know how men are'. As long as that dynamic and perception exists, specifically that men can not rise above their base sexual drives, we will go round and round on this. Me, I prefer the roller coaster to the merry go round
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 TBH, I had no problem with my wife being friends with her ex'es and she remained in contact with exH#2 and an old boyfriend for a number of years (both men went on to get married and have hopefully satisfying M's of their own). I'd have no problem being friends with my wife if we were compatible as friends. I enjoy women as friends. Most men enjoy women as sexual partners; friends less or not at all. Hence the reasoning proferred. Men don't like their wives having male friends for the same reason. They 'know how men are'. As long as that dynamic and perception exists, specifically that men can not rise above their base sexual drives, we will go round and round on this. Me, I prefer the roller coaster to the merry go round Glad to see you carhill. You know you are a rarity when it comes to this stuff. You are a renaissance man who can separate feelings from sexual impulses and keep things in their nice tidy compartments. I know most men do not do this and a lot of women don't either. The appearance of impropriety can be just as problematic as the actual act. Situations can cause issues and rampant thoughts. To me, why even go there? Why even push those buttons? But then my husband was such a player before we were together he is very skeptical of any man's motives and I have the utmost respect for his feelings.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I agree about ex's and being respectful. But what about if you have been friends with a member of the oppostive sex for 15 years (ie. good friends since college), both of you are in relationships and happy, do you think it's also wrong for you to meet up once in a while for lunch/coffee to catch up? Are these ex boyfriends/girlfriends or just men/women that have been purely platonic? If they were always purely platonic there should be no reason why you can't meet up for dinner and invite the SOs along. Can't everyone be friends then? Why the need to meet away from the partners?
northstar1 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Are these ex boyfriends/girlfriends or just men/women that have been purely platonic? If they were always purely platonic there should be no reason why you can't meet up for dinner and invite the SOs along. Can't everyone be friends then? Why the need to meet away from the partners? Purely platonic friends you've known for years. Sure, everyone can be friends, I have no issue with my SO meeting them, but in this case, my friend is from out of town, and the one clear day she has, my SO can't make it.
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 What would you make of a 'player' who doesn't mind his wife/GF having male friends? I know projecting is typical, but how about the atypical? The way I look at it, for myself, is that there are so few compatible women out there for my emotional/sexual setpoint that, upon finding one, the bond would be such that other women would become irrelevant in that way. Even when it was mostly one-sided during my M, I still didn't see other women in 'that' way. With a compatible partner, I couldn't imagine a circumstance that would come close to temptation. Men chose who they pursue. Women choose whose pursuits are successful. Evolution turns on this dynamic, in many ways. Choose wisely, both
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Purely platonic friends you've known for years. Sure, everyone can be friends, I have no issue with my SO meeting them, but in this case, my friend is from out of town, and the one clear day she has, my SO can't make it. It is up to you and your partner to decide if it is appropriate or not. If I were in your shoes, the subject was discussed, and my husband had no problem with it, then fine. If he DID have a problem with it then my spouse's feelings come first before anything and anyone so it would be a no go.
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