New Again Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I realize that this makes me sound crazy and dramatic, and I'm trying to figure out what the hell my deal is, because I don't even know. Bf went out last night with an exgf (not the one I've been posting about) and her fiance. I've met them both on one occasion. She's a nice girl, but she needs to be the center of attention, and especially with guys. She also cheated on my bf repeatedly when they were dating (ironically one of the guys she cheated on him with is her fiance), so I wonder why the hell he would remain friends with her. (I realize that I don't have a strong need to be liked by everyone, and I generally choose to not include or involve crappy - excuse me, disrespectful - people or people who cause drama or problems in my life.) What's GOOD: Bf called me before he went out, told me what was up, and said he wouldn't go if I wasn't comfortable with it. This is the first time the ex-gf thing has come up since our last conversation about it, so I'm really happy that he's respecting what we talked about, and I know I can trust him to tell me things, rather than finding out after the fact, which was a big issue. And then of course, the other thing is I don't want him hanging out with ex's alone, and of course that wasn't the case. I said go have fun. He said he was only going to have a couple drinks. What's bad: He texted me, presumably when he got home, at 2am and it seemed like he was pretty wasted, which annoys me. Also, even though I trust him, I'm still kind of like: ew why is he hanging out with her. So...what the hell is my problem? I don't feel jealous (although that might play a small role?), I don't feel threatened, and so it seems like I'm kind of just being an azz hole about this.
sultry33 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I realize that this makes me sound crazy and dramatic, and I'm trying to figure out what the hell my deal is, because I don't even know. Bf went out last night with an exgf (not the one I've been posting about) and her fiance. I've met them both on one occasion. She's a nice girl, but she needs to be the center of attention, and especially with guys. She also cheated on my bf repeatedly when they were dating (ironically one of the guys she cheated on him with is her fiance), so I wonder why the hell he would remain friends with her. (I realize that I don't have a strong need to be liked by everyone, and I generally choose to not include or involve crappy - excuse me, disrespectful - people or dramatic people in my life.) What's GOOD: Bf called me before he went out, told me what was up, and said he wouldn't go if I wasn't comfortable with it. This is the first time the ex-gf thing has come up since our last conversation about it, so I'm really happy that he's respecting what we talked about, and I know I can trust him to tell me things, rather than finding out after the fact, which was a big issue. And then of course, the other thing is I don't want him hanging out with ex's alone, and of course that wasn't the case. I said go have fun. He said he was only going to have a couple drinks. What's bad: He texted me, presumably when he got home, at 2am and it seemed like he was pretty wasted, which annoys me. Also, even though I trust him, I'm still kind of like: ew why is he hanging out with her. So...what the hell is my problem? I don't feel jealous (although that might play a small role?), I don't feel threatened, and so it seems like I'm kind of just being an azz hole about this. Just a question.. if she was going with her fiancee then why couldnt you go? me... id never let any bf near there ex and if that was a problem with them then they would be an ex..
Author New Again Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Just a question.. if she was going with her fiancee then why couldnt you go? me... id never let any bf near there ex and if that was a problem with them then they would be an ex.. I know I would've been invited had I not already had other plans (a girl's night). Probably not by her, but my bf would've asked/brought me. The first time she did this (when I was with bf) was on Valentine's Day, and I said NO absolutely not; she's done it maybe two times since then, and I've said no on those occasions for various reasons.
mistieyed Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 given her past behavior, I would be concerned but I am a jealous person to some extent. if there are no kids involved, not sure I would be comfortable with my bf hanging with his ex. would he have an issue with you doing the same?
loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Wow, so I guess you guys never have anything to do with an ex once you've broken up? That, to me, is so sad. My best friend is an ex. I'm so glad his wife has no issues with me. Although, knowing him, I doubt he would have ended up with a woman who did. Is it that people worry about their partner cheating with an ex? Because I can assure you that they don't need your permission to do that. In fact, making someone off-limits probably makes it more tempting.
mistieyed Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Wow, so I guess you guys never have anything to do with an ex once you've broken up? That, to me, is so sad. My best friend is an ex. I'm so glad his wife has no issues with me. Although, knowing him, I doubt he would have ended up with a woman who did. Is it that people worry about their partner cheating with an ex? Because I can assure you that they don't need your permission to do that. In fact, making someone off-limits probably makes it more tempting. everyone is different - to me, it is courtesy to my existing other half to not pal around with an ex since there was history there. I don't want my man chatting away with an ex night/day or taking in a movie - in my opinion, those are things you do with your partner or gal pals. I do agree with you that if someone wants to cheat they will regardless of the circumstances. generally, breakups are quite emotional for one person of the two and it is too difficult to maintain a friendship (doesn't mean you are not civil, just not going to a movie and such). count yourself lucky that you were able to keep that bond with your ex.
Author New Again Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Wow, so I guess you guys never have anything to do with an ex once you've broken up? That, to me, is so sad. My best friend is an ex. I'm so glad his wife has no issues with me. Although, knowing him, I doubt he would have ended up with a woman who did. Is it that people worry about their partner cheating with an ex? Because I can assure you that they don't need your permission to do that. In fact, making someone off-limits probably makes it more tempting. My contact with my ex's is limited to a VERY occasional "what's up" if we happen to run into each other somewhere, or if he sends me an email. An old bf who cheated on me, I have zero contact with. If he contacts me (which he very occasionally does) I ignore him. I don't think it's sad at all. I don't have one ex who is a person I would be friends with...something I learned throughout the relationship, hence why it ended. I don't worry about him cheating on me with any of his ex's, hence the great mystery why I'm still so eohz;sleo;inw about this.
loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I do feel grateful that he's a friend. Thanks. One thing I think about re: exes and being friends is this is someone your partner has already decided is not right for them. Of course there could be lingering feelings but the more time I spend with this ex as his platonic friend the less I even think of him as a former lover. I think it can eliminate someone as being "the one that got away." Don't know. I can think of so many reasons why it's okay for a partner to stay friends with an ex. But hey we're all different.
loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 New again, try and not think about it for a while. Maybe you'll figure it out with a little bit of distance.
Author New Again Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Bf has said he doesn't even think of last gf as an ex anymore (although she is STILL not over him). I know that other people feel differently about being friends with ex's than I do, and since I'm not jealous and don't feel threatened, I feel like I'm just being an a-hole about it...but I can't help that that's how I feel, and I just don't understand it. Sigh. Maybe you're right. ** And also, this ex that he went to go see last night likes to call him (week days and weekends) between midnight and 1am. Odd? I think so. He doesn't answer though.
loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Bf has said he doesn't even think of last gf as an ex anymore (although she is STILL not over him). I know that other people feel differently about being friends with ex's than I do, and since I'm not jealous and don't feel threatened, I feel like I'm just being an a-hole about it...but I can't help that that's how I feel, and I just don't understand it. Sigh. Maybe you're right. The situation with his ex will likely just work itself out over time. It doesn't sound like he's going to get into any trouble with this one. Ya know, thinking about it there was another ex I was friends with for a long time. I came to think of him as a friend, not even an ex. Personally, I do just think it's healthier in a lot of ways. As for why this is bothering you, I'm sure you'll figure it out if you step away for a little bit. I suspect you already know but just don't wanna admit it to yourself for some reason.
loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 ** And also, this ex that he went to go see last night likes to call him (week days and weekends) between midnight and 1am. Odd? I think so. He doesn't answer though. Maybe she's just a night owl. It's up to him to set boundaries with any of his friends, or just not answer.
boogieboy Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Wow, so I guess you guys never have anything to do with an ex once you've broken up? That, to me, is so sad. My best friend is an ex. I'm so glad his wife has no issues with me. Although, knowing him, I doubt he would have ended up with a woman who did. Is it that people worry about their partner cheating with an ex? Because I can assure you that they don't need your permission to do that. In fact, making someone off-limits probably makes it more tempting. Not sad to me, I have no desire to hang around anyone who hurt me. I dont understand why your bf would want to hang with her still NA, since she cheated on him. I see where youre coming from.
AlektraClementine Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Not sad to me, I have no desire to hang around anyone who hurt me. I dont understand why your bf would want to hang with her still NA, since she cheated on him. I see where youre coming from. Agreed. It would get under my skin. Sounds like you're exhibiting extraordinary patience. What I like to ask my dude when issues like this come up is "What sort of things do you have in common now? Can you elaborate on the bond you have that makes the 2 of you find it necessary to hang". What I'm looking for here is evidence of an actual "friendship". One might not need to answer questions like this when it comes to people they've never had sex with, but in my world...friendships with prior sex partners should absolutely be made clear to me in order for me to find a proper comfort level. I also make it a point to get face time with these kinds of friends. If she's his friend, she can also be your friend. If she can't, then it's most likely not an appropriate relationship for him to have.
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 friendships with prior sex partners should absolutely be made clear to me in order for me to find a proper comfort level. I also make it a point to get face time with these kinds of friends. If she's his friend, she can also be your friend. If she can't, then it's most likely not an appropriate relationship for him to have. I think this makes all the difference. With the guy I've been referring to, I get along great with his wife. I really like her. And he has never kept me secret from her. This might sound really weird, but for me with exes, I've always wanted them to find someone right for them.
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