Legal Separation Day 1 - Denial, hope

[mark982]

nows the time to get all legal aspects of this going. get custody of your kids,record everything she does(or doesn't) do,calls,letters,phone calls. cover your azz,you say she's on meds? cancel insurance.who's paying her car insurance? she was a stay at home mom,so you probable paid for everything.

[singledad2]

Thanks Mark,

 

I have covered my self financially, legally. She knew she would have to fight a long fight which she could possibly lose big time, so she took what I offered. We have settled the split legally. I have the custody. I have what I want out of the "business" end of things.

 

What I did not want was the divorce/separation. I wanted to work it out. Now I figure she's not good enough for us right now. I am good enough. I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I pray to her father that just passed away that probably caused her to spiral down to this life is too short MLC. I know he can see all now and ask him to take care of her based on how he now knows all from his vanatage point an dknows what is in my heart and where I am regardless of what I have ever done to make her think we had a bad relationship.

 

Its been a good day. I have gotten off my butt and got the place back to where it was (clean and tidy) before she came back and screwed up the system. The kids enjoyed helping.....bleep. Just got two texts from her. I ignored them. I have been pretty much not answering her calls immediately, not responding to texts. She wants the kids to call her any time. Well they freakin call her all day long if I let them. If she can ignore them I'll be surprised...I am always too busy to answer her calls. Her texts are becoming more detailed rather than terse. hmmm. Work at it beyatch!

 

I decided I was going to have my own MLC while this is going on. I am looking at new SUVs to swap the ole mini van in for. Going back to more professional attire now that I am taking care of it. I don't have to mow the grass anymore and it looks much better with the service doing it. I'm gonna keep the 3 inches Ive lost on my waste off and get back to my tennis team (which does have a nifty mixed doubles season--love the skirts). I'm going to look damn good pretty soon! Maybe this stress diet is designed to ready you to feel better about yourself when you come out of it. I haven;t been this trim and tight in a few years. I am on the last hole on my belt because I've lost so much. I am working on loving other folks just for who they are. I had some great chats with strangers today and it was wonderful just to break the ice with people and talk about sports, their kids, their day. I may find a ministry to help families anticipate this stage of life BEFORE it becomes a destructive force and use it to deepen their relationships. Something good out of the carnage.

 

 

I guess its been a good day....with no drugs! I hope for more like this. I am taking half of a pain pill tonight to get some GOOD sleep. Sweet dreams everyone! I am praying for all of us and thanking all of you angels out on tihs site that are so freely giving of your time and experience and care. God Bless you. I know I will have more down cycles so I thank you in advance for being there. It really helps to have a place to turn.

[singledad2]

Final check for lump sum of settlement went out today....I felt an enormous amount of both sadness and peace at the same time. I sent her a text with shiping info and ended it with a sad face and she said she agreed it was a sad thing. Then I probably over stepped the line and said that maybe one day we would smile and look back and think it was money well spent. No reply..... Can't believe I left it open for a cheap shot like that. Up until then she had been begging me to pick up the phone instead of communicating via text. Of course it was all about her getting a check so she was intense about knowing what was going on.

 

She called the kids back today and spent maybe 2 minutes total talking to all three. Very small talk. Probably just needed a "see everything is fine, go ahead and do destructive stuff" reassurance call.

 

A man came by and dropped off some food for us as an act of kindness as he heard we had trouble. He said his first wife left him 12 years ago with 4 year old twins and a 9 year old girl. She though did want 50-50 custody so he at least had every other weekend off. Another friend told me today his wife would watch them while we went out sometimes. Starting to get some "me" time into this situation would be good. I am going to turn her rejection into motivation.

[PWSX3]

It doesn't hurt to ask & you will be amazed at who steps up & helps. Sometimes it the one you would never guess & the ones you thought would will fall by the wayside.

 

Sounds like you are doing well but be prepared for the downside/backslide and except it as part of the process. Learn from it & the next one will be easier, smaller, etc.......

[singledad2]

The phone rang tonight at bedtime for the kids and something is starting to rub me wrong. It was my wife and she was calling to say goodnight to the kids. I quit answering the phone when its her. My older who she assured there was hope and we were separating instead of divorcing answered and came running downstairs with the phone saying "mom wants to talk to you". I must have spoken too loud with my "huh?" because she heard it. Anyway dumb small talk and go upstairs and "hug the kids for me" stuff. HUH???? Come back here and do it your damn self! I just don't think this is right, unless she is starting to turn around. Well, this cant be true, since she is planning to get an instate drivers license and car registration in case she needs to prove residency a year from now to get a better tuition. This is just all too "cover all my options" kind of stuff. I am feeling like its inappropriate to have this phone relationship with my kids without me on the line. Thoughts?

[singledad2]

Sounds like you are doing well but be prepared for the downside/backslide and except it as part of the process. Learn from it & the next one will be easier, smaller, etc.......

 

Thanks. I've been up and down, so I expect I will get nailed again. what kind of things can I learn from a backslide?

[singledad2]

I think I am already having a backslide after just a few hours...I may be at ROCK BOTTOM between my despair about our failed marriage and bleak outlook for getting through her MLC. If I were to take all the blame for this I guess it would be like this:

 

Feeling guilty for my part in making her feel that our relationship was bad (right now in reflection I feel like it truly IS my fault I did not treat her well even after I started walking with the lord) I see my fault now and will be a better man and father, but I am afraid if this is true, she needed to run away. She needed to show it was not acceptable to be mentally mistreated, no matter what she was or was not doing in this relationship that was making me feel disrespected. I am hating myself right now. I don't deserve these children I am taking care of and whose mother I have forced to feel like she had to leave. Just because I am more intelligent and more educated, spiritual, mature, and obviously more of an a$$ I shouldn't have talked her down so much. So what if she didn't love me like I thought she should, WHO AM I? So she couldn't forgive my shortcomings and past mistakes i made that made me not the man she thought she married. They were MY mistakes. My haunting past. I had to forgive myself for things 25 years ago, but that doesn't mean she has to. I don't deserve her and don't want her to come back to me. Just want her to get well and come back and take care of the kids while I...who gives a darn what I do.

 

Well, I suppose that still screws up the kids. No solution taking the all the blame either I guess. Maybe neither one of us deserves these beautiful kids...

 

I guess I need to suck it up and try to make it right.

[ryepatch]

hang on to those beautiful kids. maybe post about what you like or are proud of about your kids? might make you feel better, remind you you have a reason to go on. someday they'll look back and realize you stepped up to the plate when it counted.

 

did you get to see a doctor yet about meds?

 

hang in there. she's the one in MLC, which i'm starting to realize is almost as bad as bipolar and takes a similar toll on relationships.

[singledad2]

Thanks. I will definitely try to get some help today. I am worn out and its affecting me. I had a customer service issue bubble up to my level last night and kept me up all night and a full meeting schedule today. Something has to give today. I didnt realize how close to overwhelmed I was until I got woken up in the middle of the night. Felt hopeless, helpless, guilty and did tried on the maybe she is right "take all the blame" thing in the previous post. I can't imagine getting much lower. Part of me has this strong front to the professional world, but in my solitude I am a wreck.

 

Proud of my kids abilities, smart, talented, beautiful, well-behaved. I want them to stay that way. Why can't she be proud of herself for what we have raised? There is so much she can be proud of. Did I really not make it possible for her to see that?

[MrMayI]

singledad, i don't want to rain on anything, but just from mine and several others experience with either MLC or affairs, it's not your fault. while you recognize your faults in the marriage, they are much like my own, and believe me, they are not things that someone should be so willing to walk away from a marriage and children for. please keep your chin up. if you don't want a divorce, i'm afraid you have a very long way to go.

[floridapad]

Oh my goodness you are backsliding a bit (as we all do). The guilt was there for me in the beginning to. The fact that you are going back 25 years to forgive yourself for things is a sign that you are truly changing and learning from this life event. I did the same thing too. It's amazing the self realizations you can have when you go all the way back to your childhood and examine how you were raised. I felt guilty too but I kept focusing on why I behaved the way I did for my entire life with a focus on learning about my self so I could change. Learning about you and who you are is an INCREDIBLE feeling, because now you are beginning to truly know yourself. Your subconcience. Not the conscience. You are digging deep. As painful as it can be, look at the positive side of it. You are learning at deep levels, and with learning comes true change. This change will be reflected onto your children.

 

Your wifes MLC was not caused by you and you know it. So stop with the guilt. Perhaps you were not as good of a husband as you now know you can be, but her MLC is her journey. As far as they go she is having a doozy. She is being extraordinarily selfish and is amazingly confused based on things that you have written.

 

OK sorry for my tone but you need a little ass kick. STOP with the I don't deserve the children stuff. Are you crazy (Well OK I guess we are a little crazy right now :-).The point is THEY deserve YOU. You are their father and they love YOU enormously. You are not a perfect person, husband, or father. We are human afterall and we make mistakes. This life event is tranforming you and you are learning from it and growing. They definately deserve someone who has learned/transformed in the way you are. You will be able to be a better father, better future husband, better friend, better boss, better boyfriend (of some hot chick I'm sure) better church member, better disciple. You will now give more in ALL of your relationships. Your children definately deserve to be a part of that.

 

Your a good man singledad2 and growing everyday. Keep up the self reflection. It's a good thing.

[singledad2]

Yes, I needed that kick, Floridapad. I also apparently needed some meds. I had not a single 1/2 hour for myself yesterday and was running on 2 hours sleep, so I only had time to get some st. john's worts and 2 pills later, I feel much better, even though some horrible realities set in.

 

Someone at church asked me about one of the kids and an activity on Sat and I pulled up my calendar and sure enough I get slapped in the face. Its ex-wifes birthday and she would rather have been away from her family for it. I texted her about it and she had a proably classic MLC response: "I forgot about it. Thanks for reminding me I am old". No concern for the family at all. The rest of her text was asking for money to pay for some car tags, even though I just sent her a huge check yesterday for the final settlement. WTH? I am the one that has no emergency fund left. I guess having a job interview to work in a restaurant chain is worrying her about the future.

 

Angry and bewildered is much more comforting than guilty. I think I tried that hat on and it doesn't fit that well. The guilt is dark side and the light has shown upon it to remove it. I know I am being transformed here. I need to stick to my gameplan of "stay" on paper, move on in spirit. We will see how long that lasts... My family is coming to town this weekend to lend some "unconditional love" which can't be a bad thing.

 

I just realized I called her my ex-wife. Maybe acceptance is closer now. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and Thanks everyone!

[seibert253]

If you're settled, financially, you don't owe her a dime. She's on her own, that's what she wanted, that's what she's got.

Be careful what you wish for.

[singledad2]

Yeah, I ignored her text about helping pay for the tags. She ignores my texts about anything having to do with the state of our relationship or the kids relationships, so I guess we have our lines drawn now.

 

have had to chat about the kids lately with the XW. She is coming through as overall "happy". She is acting like a "friend", as we will have to when it comes to the kids and the future around the kids. She will be that parent clapping proudly about what the kids accomplish, but doing none of the work....

 

I started the kids in a program this week that is supposed to help them deal with the situation. At the same time I go to a support group. Unbelievable how many people are in the same boat just locally.

 

I told a high level of my story. I didn't feel too bad either, very matter of fact. I think letting myself get as deep as I can into sorrow and blame may have helped. I am not feeling that bad and not taking anything, but I did wake up at 4am, so I know my mind is still racing about this stuff. Looking forward to some brotherly love this weekend.

[ryepatch]

good to hear you're going to a support group, they can be a big help. . . it's good to keep going whether you feel like it that night or not. . .

[singledad2]

Thanks for the encouragement rye. I think I will enjoy the time in the end. The kids seem to want to do it as well.

 

Woke up from a dream of a conversation we had many a time that was like our "flirting"...and I missed her. Then I realized that I couldn't go there right now. What do I do with those memories? What do I do with the pictures of our life together displayed "for the kids"? Do I remove them for awhile? Or do I remove them IN a while?

[floridapad]

Singledad2,

 

I know what you mean about those dreams. But unfortunately mine are when I'm awake. That darn hope keeps me fanasizing about a reconciliation and what it would be like. I have to stop the images and fantasies and push them away. They seem to happen after I see her or talk to her. Same for you? As I said in one of the previous posts, it is easier to move on when they are not around, but when you have children, they will always be around so some how it will have to be managed.

 

As far as the pictures go...Oddly enough my wife still displays our big wedding day picture upstairs near the kids room. She has completely remodeled her bedroom rearranged the house and did as much as she could to feel like she is getting a fresh start and gain some independence, but she never took the wedding picture or family picture down. It made me hope, but then I started really thinking about it and her mind set, I realized she was doing it for the kids (The picture is near their room). She is doing the right thing by keeping them up for now. I'm thinking she'll wait until the divorce is final. I would suggest you keep those pictures up for now and over a period of time take them down one month at a time so they just don't vanish at once. You may want to replace them with new pictures of you and the children without the mother or with your family members. But beware, your wife will notice and it will definately affect her. I noticed my wife did take one family picture down and it killed me.

 

Wow, this D stuff is a long journey. So much to process and process and reprocess. Thats part of the pain. Overanalyzing. Sorry if I seem to hijack your thread with this post. We just have similar situations (MLC wives, both execeutives, both spiritual, both going thorugh major self realizations) so it seems when I read your threads I relate and start babbling myself.

[floridapad]

OK I'm not hijacking with this post. You wrote something that made me think. I bolded for emphasis.

 

"Yeah, I ignored her text about helping pay for the tags. She ignores my texts about anything having to do with the state of our relationship or the kids relationships, so I guess we have our lines drawn now."

 

Right now she is "running" from everything and everyone. She is in a horrible MLC. Talking about your relationship or telling her the kids need her (which I don't know if you have) will only push her away because she is in running mode. The more she feels obligation because someone "needs" her the more she will run. Thats MLC. She is in a horrible state despite her sounding "happy". She is awake at nights with her thoughts and trust me she is processing all of this. But those are her issues. My only thought on this is perhaps you should not talk about your relationship or the kids relationship.....at all. In time she will realize that SHE needs the kids (I know you have a lawyer), but she is just in a horible state and can't take care of them and the odd thing is I bet she knows this but just can't DO anything about it. Also, anything you say to her about the kids relationship with her will only push her away. SHE needs to find what her relationship will be with her children by experiencing them, not by you discussing it. I'm sure she's getting plenty of "speeches" from her parents and getting more from the husband may only serve to push her away. SHE IS PROCESSING ALL OF THIS and I GUARANTEE you she is not as happy as she sounds. My wife puts on a happy face for me but she admits that she does not sleep a wink. She is processing it all. MLC is long journey. She will probably say to you at some point "I'm a bad mother" for doing this. MLC tactics would dictate that you validate her by saying "your not a bad mother". Yeah I know it may be a bunch of BS but I think I get what the tactics are trying to do. She needs to experience things now and perhaps you should try to validate her positive actions and ignore her bad actions (without being patronizing or going over the top on the validation). I know this is tough to do and you may not agree with the tactics so take my advice with a grain of salt.

[singledad2]

You can hijack this thread anytime, Floridapad. I don't see it that way at all. I think we are headed to the same place. I appreciate your insight and I agree that I need to leave her alone about the kids now. Not sure she isn't sleeping...she has narcolepsy! LOL..,.

 

You are right though. I am supposed to keep to small talk. Stay an advocate for her. She ran far away partly because of everyone from her best friends to her family, to the neighbors have reminded her how wrong it is to leave the kids. Tomorrow is her birthday. I will limit it to the kids singing happy birthday over the phone. If she will answer it....

 

I think its been a good day overall. No really deep drops, no knotted up stomach, and a visit from my older sibling. We threw out 2 drum liners worth of junk cluttering up the house which she couldnt seem to get to. I need to make this space feel more like mine.

[Penelope-love]

Hi Singledad2 and Floridapad.

 

Floridapad,

 

Excellent insight and advice for Singledad2, but there does seem to be a confusion regarding validation.

 

MLC is long journey. She will probably say to you at some point "I'm a bad mother" for doing this. MLC tactics would dictate that you validate her by saying "your not a bad mother".

That is actually the opposite of validating; it is disagreeing. It may be true that she is not a bad mother; though she may certainly be acting like one. But by disagreeing you are dismissing her statement which can be perceived as belittling, not listening or not giving her feeling importance. That last one is the key: feeling. Validate feelings without agreeing. That's why the generic I'm sorry you feel that way is recommended and used so often.

 

Singledad2, you said you looked at the site, and I gave you a few links Floridapad. Here is the validation article.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/balancing-love-validation.html

[singledad2]

Penelope-Love,

 

I read this over again. Its amazing what you see based on your state of mind. I was so stunned when I read this the first time, I don't think I caught all of it. Thanks for the reminder.

 

Its my STBX's Bday today. The kids called her and sung HB and she then asked them to give me the phone. I couldn't help but tell her we were thinking of her and she "I know" actually somewhat solemnly. We talked about what was going on with her job search and such. We exchanged a few emails today about school stuff and some questions about the household I had to see if I needed to by more bedding. I want at least 2 full sheet sets per bed so that the kids can swap out while I do laundry. They have a mish-mash of fitted, flat, and, pillow cases and I got them all matched up again today. Boy, no doubt she would take this as criticism that I straightened out the mess. No its not that important that the bunk beds match, but hey, it wasnt that big a deal to make it happen either....

 

It was Just another way I made my kids happy today. We went out and played golf together today and had a blast. I got some encouragement from a couple of HER friends today that she has cut off (since they let her know what they thought).

 

My 6 yr old daughter asked me today at the store "who was going to be the new Mommy?" Wow....

[Chrome Barracuda]

The best thing you can do is just flat out ignore her. Ignore who she has become if it aint about the kids, then why the talk. Let the kids talk to her on the phone and then hang up if she has nothing relevant to say. bottom line. You and her is over.

[LisaUk]

singledad, i don't want to rain on anything, but just from mine and several others experience with either MLC or affairs, it's not your fault. while you recognize your faults in the marriage, they are much like my own, and believe me, they are not things that someone should be so willing to walk away from a marriage and children for. please keep your chin up. if you don't want a divorce, i'm afraid you have a very long way to go.

 

Ain't this the truth! Mine gave the following reasons for leaving-

I want to go out more with friends and not have to consider you.

I want to buy a motorbike

I want to go on more stag do's.

 

Really??????????? These are reasons to end an 18 year relationship and put me on the street? You don't think we could have talked about these and resloved the issues then?

 

Even as a CP I cannot see how he managed to use these as a justification.

 

Singledad, don't go blaming yourself, I'm sure anything you did or didn't do doesn't justify her walking out on her family.

[floridapad]

Thank you Penelope for the clarification and sharing your depth of knowledge on the MLC subject. It's good to have you on this board.

[singledad2]

I woke up at 2:30am and could not sleep. I was consumed with her which I know is doing me no good. I realized that I had lost so much weight that I could probably get the ring off with no problem.

 

I took it off, put it in a drawer. Went to church without it on. Am really sad, but I am thinking I need to face that it will be awhile if at all before she is ready to give us a chance. I have to start moving forward else I won't be any good to these kids. I am pretty much moping around here today. I am trying to keep sunday as a non-work day so the kids and I can re-charge for the week. Played some "battleship" with my 8 yr old boy. Watch the Tiger Woods show, Watch some football. Check the fantasy scores...I haven't even logged onto the site yet. My partner has been handling the whole thing. I feel so SAD today, stomach knotted up again. Skipped lunch...