Sideburns Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Last week it was my girlfriend's (of a year and a half) birthday. I got her a cake, bought her a couple gifts (we're relatively poor - students with philosophy degrees so ... poor - but I work almost every day to sustain our lifestyle - what little there is) and took her out to 4 or 5 different places around our area that she had never been to (being she is originally from 10 hours north of where we currently live) so all the neat attractions like butterfly conservatory and Niagara Falls, The Spanish Aero Car and a few other places. I had to work really hard at putting it all together and making enough money / working enough shifts to do this for her. Anyways, it was my birthday yesterday and she baked a batch of about 12 peanut butter cookies for me. The gesture I thought was a lazy one and I feel bad but peanut butter cookies are very easy to make and she didn't get me a car or even buy me a drink at the bar (but I was sure able to get hers) In her defense she did buy pizza the night before and munchies after the bar last night but the $20 and 20 minutes baking. I feel kinda gypped. Now I don't know what to do. How can I convey this to her without hurting her feelings, I already went all out for her birthday it's not like there is a nearby holiday where I can stiff her and "teach her a lesson". I don't want to be a patriarchal instructor in the relationship. It sucks, I can't ask her for a present now because it won't mean the same thing. Any suggestions? Keeping in mind that I very much care about this person and I don't want to end the relationship on the grounds of material possession so save the snarky comments please.
loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Why would you want to stiff her and teach her a lesson if you care about her? You do sound peeved and kind of hostile. Some people just don't make a big deal of birthdays. Don't try and get back at her. Maybe next year before both birthdays ask her if she wants to make a big deal of the birthdays "this year". That way it's mutually decided. It sounds almost as if you made a big deal of her bday because you wanted her to make a big deal of yours? Just enjoy the relationship.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Maybe she thinks that that is just how it is supposed to be (the man doing and paying the lions share)?
caramel c Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I know you are feeling like what she gave/did for you does not add up to what you gave/did for her but just try to look at it from a different perspective for a moment. When you give somebody something, or do something for somebody, regardless if it is a special occasion or not, for it to be a true gift from the heart out of love then it is not conditional. You do not give with the intention of receiving back, if it's done out of love. You just give. The person appreciating your time and effort is all you need back to be happy. With love, there is no scoreboard or tally of favors or list of dollars spent. That doesn't exist. If you buy something that costs $100 and then when they give you something it costs $10 none of this should count. That is the joy of giving and receiving from the heart. I hope you read these words and see some truth in it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I'm getting where the OP is coming from. And it's not a tally in the mind as to who spent the most money for the other person's B-day. It's the fact that when somebody puts forth effort to think of me (and show it with words/actions/gifts), it sends me a message as to how much they value me. Now, I'm different than most in that time spent is greater than money spent, IMO. In fact, I'd MUCH rather a date took me to a park for a well put-together picnic, bread to feed the geese, walk around the pond, hand-written "card" and good conversation than handing me an expensive diamond necklace. It's more about wanting to feel like I put a pause in their day - where they thought about me and wanted to do something to make me feel special. SB - I don't have any idea how to address the issue. Some people are not very skilled at the art of making other people feel valued. This is one of those things, I think, that you're going to have to accept as it can't be changed. In her world, that may have looked like a lot of effort. Do you know how birthdays were treated in the house she grew up in? That can explain a lot.
Author Sideburns Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 I appreciate everyone's comments although I do not agree with a few of them. I do not believe in altruistic love, and I do not believe it is possible in every situation. What I see is love as a spiritual lust. If you think about that, it isn't necessarily a bad thing. The point is, everyone is looking for something, especially out of a relationship and generally that thing is to feel loved/valued or appreciated as well as much more. You want to receive caring attention and support and to feel as though you are special and a little bit different than everyone else. Upon consideration I understand that what I did for her birthday was not entirely for her, I believe subconsciously I was sending her cues to do something equally as special (not financially greater). To the person who said "just enjoy to relationship" I reply - how would a mother feel if her kids did not give her a mother's day present? Should she just enjoy the relationship between her and her kids? Perhaps, but you know what, almost every mother would be a little bit sad. I think people have to look at the big picture and realize that when you live with someone day in and day out and you work your fingers to the bone day in and day out to make ends meet, that there are sometimes precious few occasions to celebrate. Its not that her cookies weren't enough I didn't get gyped on material possession, I got gyped on sentiment and that's why I was/am upset. *****FOLLOW UP***** I decided to talk to her about it ... And there were tears. It was very uncomfortable but I felt necessary. After we talked I let her calm down a bit and we talked some more. She acknowledged that she wanted to do more but said she didn't know what and so on. On my day off (which is tomorrow) she has now made some plans for us that I have no idea about but she says its going to be nice because I am the planner of the two of us and as such I am often forced to lay everything out step by step lest it never get finished. Anyhow...all things are well in the kingdom for at least 1 more day. As an addition, her parents to this day still send her cards and things and never forget her birthday - she is from a small family so the occasion was never big but all the right loving was there. Over and out. thanks for the input team.
Island Girl Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 *****FOLLOW UP***** I decided to talk to her about it ... And there were tears. It was very uncomfortable but I felt necessary. After we talked I let her calm down a bit and we talked some more. She acknowledged that she wanted to do more but said she didn't know what and so on. On my day off (which is tomorrow) she has now made some plans for us that I have no idea about but she says its going to be nice because I am the planner of the two of us and as such I am often forced to lay everything out step by step lest it never get finished. Anyhow...all things are well in the kingdom for at least 1 more day. As an addition, her parents to this day still send her cards and things and never forget her birthday - she is from a small family so the occasion was never big but all the right loving was there. Over and out. thanks for the input team. My husband and I had to have a chat about this very thing 6 years ago. HIS family never even acknowledged his birthday and he lived in other countries for 19 years so rarely did he even get a phone call. It was hit or miss. So in his world birthdays were wonderful celebrated but not a big deal if they weren't. He didn't call me on my birthday. We had been together almost 2 years at that point - the first year he was here and I got gifts, flowers, dinner, etc. Then the next year nothing. So we had a hell of a conversation and I made sure expectations for birthdays and other special occasions were understood from my perspective and how I viewed them. Since then every single occasion is recognized including 4th of July. Sometimes all it takes is a conversation of expectations and feelings. Congrats that this happened - and the two of you have reached an understanding. CHEERS.
Isolde Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 This is just my opinion but here's what works for me. If I feel I don't celebrate a relative or friend's birthday nicely enough (due to not finding a good present in time, or not being there to celebrate with them) I simply give or send a small gift at a later time, which works because I'll often find a perfect gift, at random times/places. I understand that celebrating on the spot may be important to you, but it's not like your girlfriend forgot your birthday, you know? Also, keep in mind that if you have two celebrations close to each other, like your gf's and your birthday, it can be difficult to "out-do" the first occasion, if it went well. Your gf may have felt she didn't want to repeat a similar celebration to yours, so she may not have had time to think of something original.
Lucky_One Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 You say that you work to sustain "our lifestyle", so it appears that she does not work right now. She simply may not have the money to do as much for your birthday as you did. Next year, why not pool resources, and celebrate the birthdays in a day that falls between them?
Lauriebell82 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I think "stiffing her at next holiday" is rather manipulative and rude. You said yourself that you are both poor, why do you feel so bad then? If she was really rich and hoarding her money I could see where you'd be a little upset by the situation. What's bad about baking you cookies? That takes time and she probably thought it would be a nice and personal gift instead of some Ipod. When I was a poor college student I made my fiance one time I made him "love coupons" on my computer for his birthday. I worked hard on them too! He loved them and appreciated that I did something thoughtful for him. It was your choice to take her out to expensive places, I always say that you should give a present to your partner out of love with no expectations of what you will get in return. You don't have to go out and spend a lot of money to have a good time. Our 3 year anniversary was yesterday, we rented a movie and had some wine while snuggling on the couch. It was awesome!
torranceshipman Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I don't think she did anything wrong - this was probably her way of showing you something little and special. Sometimes people are just different. I personally DO believe in altruistic love because I am a big fan of paying it forward and doing good things to make something happy without being bound in any way to a reciprocal act...I think it's pretty bad for someone to give you something and then for you to feel like, oh man, remember this so I can offer something equal when his turn comes up - he'll be watching carefully what I do! Glad you got it sorted though.
SierraRose Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Always give from the heart and never expect anything in return.
Author Sideburns Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 For all of you out there who pretty much have thought me the tyrant for being upset by the gift of peanut butter cookies (which if you've never baked takes about 10 minutes out of your busy life). We had a lovely day together, and rode the city bus around the city for a few hours, had a couple milkshakes and she presented me with a home made card. A type of card that I had never seen before with a hand-stitched fabric envelope which contained in it a little coupon-booklet with home made coupons for things like doing the dishes and scratching my back. I enjoyed that more than I could have any iPod or what have you. The fact of the matter is, she stepped up to the plate and did something meaningful that made me feel like I was special. I want to say something like 'that's all I wanted' but that wouldn't be fair because I thought she outdid herself. A hallmark card with a $4 lottery ticket inside would have been sufficient. Anyways, the case is closed. All is well in the kingdom once more.
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 For all of you out there who pretty much have thought me the tyrant for being upset by the gift of peanut butter cookies (which if you've never baked takes about 10 minutes out of your busy life). We had a lovely day together, and rode the city bus around the city for a few hours, had a couple milkshakes and she presented me with a home made card. A type of card that I had never seen before with a hand-stitched fabric envelope which contained in it a little coupon-booklet with home made coupons for things like doing the dishes and scratching my back. I enjoyed that more than I could have any iPod or what have you. The fact of the matter is, she stepped up to the plate and did something meaningful that made me feel like I was special. I want to say something like 'that's all I wanted' but that wouldn't be fair because I thought she outdid herself. A hallmark card with a $4 lottery ticket inside would have been sufficient. Anyways, the case is closed. All is well in the kingdom once more. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! :bunny::bunny: I am happy all is well in your kingdom!
seoa Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 sounds like the 'love languages' thing... you know? people have different 'dialects' for showing /receiving love - quality time, physical touch (not just sex), acts of service (doing helpful stuff), words of affirmation (saying nice stuff) and gifts (not necessarily expensive, just visible signs)... most people offer to their SO what they most want themselves... i've done the test a few times, and i score zero on gifts - they just don't mean much to me - and it means i'm absolutely *rubbish* at people's birthdays... i have to work really really hard to remember to send cards, and buying presents can be a stress for me... but there are ways round it - i have a coupla friends who call me a few days before their birthday to remind me to sort out the card/present that they want... keeps us all happy...
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