becky2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 This has ended a month ago but we still work together, I see him everyday, there is a lot of interaction with our positions. How is this going to work? I cannot quit my job at least for another 2 years. We both need our jobs. Part of me thinks fine go try to make your marriage work and face me everyday...see how that works. But at the same time I need to get past this.
jj33 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Becky there will be people who will tell you to quit or you will never recover. It really depends on you. I have worked with xMM (mm for short) for the past 2 years and it has been very challenging at times and we do not work in the same office. How do you feel about facing him? Are you still holding out hope that you will get back together or are you ready in your heart to move on? If you are still in love with him then it will be challenging at least until your feelings change and it is a question of whether you value your job so much that you are willing to put yourself under the potential stress of being around him all the time. It will also depend on him and how compassionately he behaves towards you. When it ended I thought we would be BFF in a work sense because we had good feelings towards each other. However that was marred by him toing and froing about the state of the relationship between us followed by a total denial of the past combined with behavior that showed that he still treated me like he could break boundaries (calling me at home on the weekend allegedly for business) sending me personal texts and generally doing things to provoke a reaction. If you can possibly help it, dont react if he tries to get a rise out of you. The sooner he sees that his provcations are not rewarded with a reaction (even anger is a reaction and shows you still care) the sooner he will stop. It gets to a point (or it has with me) where I think leave me alone. You are married, there is no reason for you to send me so many work related emails - text your wife instead... Its not easy. I dont know what else to say. But whatever you do DONT go to HR over this. Find a way to deal with it on your own. He or she who goes to HR is the loser.
Author becky2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 He is still coming in my office a hundred times a day talking about work but not necessary work things. He is treating me with respect. He still loves me and that is very obvious but this had to end. For me...I have hope one day and nothing the next, we love each other but I know if his marriage ends I cannot be in the picture at all it has to end on its own. This is up to him and what he wants in his life, and it is very hard to realize you have no control and have to let it go. I don't want to hurt him in anyway and I am not mad at him but I would like to know that he is as miserable as I am.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Focus on you and not him. Time will help, but MAKE yourself not care how he is feeling. This is the ego part, wanting to know that he's hurting as much as you.. If you plan on limited contact at work, then do what's necessary: KEEP conversations about work related issues only. DO NOT talk personal with him, don't ask him how he is, and if he tries to talk to you about personal things, walk out of the room. Your A is over, he chose to stay married to his wife, so part of HIS consquence is, he loses you. And that means NO friendship, no buddy-buddy conversations, NOTHING. The NC has to happen outside of the office. NO calls, no emails, nothing. Use that time to grieve and heal..
jj33 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Honey he is as miserable as you are, that is why he is hanging on. Its difficult to send someone away when they say I need to talk to you about x project. But there are some things you can do to minimize the contact: If you have your own office keep the door open - then he is less likely to change the conversation to personal issues Once he finishes with necessary work conversation just say thanks I am swamped and get back to your work. Look down at your desk and start writing or pick up the phone and start dialing giving him his cue to leave. If he starts chit chatting just look up and say I am really busy and just get back to your work or if you are on the phone turn around so that you can concentrate on the conversation (back to him). I know it sounds harsh but if you keep shutting down the nonessential communication either it will stop because he will have gotten the hint. Or, he wont get the hint and he will ask you why you are being unfriendly. If he asks just tell him you are married I need to maintain a purely professional relationship with you and I hope you will respect that. He doesnt get to have it both ways, unless you let him. I made that mistake of thinking we could be good friends and it proved to be difficult because he kept pushing the boundaries. Just keep it professional. The less interaction you have, the easier it will be for you.
StoptheDrama Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Honey he is as miserable as you are, that is why he is hanging on. Its difficult to send someone away when they say I need to talk to you about x project. But there are some things you can do to minimize the contact: If you have your own office keep the door open - then he is less likely to change the conversation to personal issues Once he finishes with necessary work conversation just say thanks I am swamped and get back to your work. Look down at your desk and start writing or pick up the phone and start dialing giving him his cue to leave. If he starts chit chatting just look up and say I am really busy and just get back to your work or if you are on the phone turn around so that you can concentrate on the conversation (back to him). I know it sounds harsh but if you keep shutting down the nonessential communication either it will stop because he will have gotten the hint. Or, he wont get the hint and he will ask you why you are being unfriendly. If he asks just tell him you are married I need to maintain a purely professional relationship with you and I hope you will respect that. He doesnt get to have it both ways, unless you let him. I made that mistake of thinking we could be good friends and it proved to be difficult because he kept pushing the boundaries. Just keep it professional. The less interaction you have, the easier it will be for you. Becky, Just keep it professional. The less interaction you have, the easier it will be for you - this is sage advise, please take it to heart. I also work directly with my xMM and have tried to maintain a polite, friendly and professional work relationship with him. I ended the A and he has been increasingly antagonistic toward me and making my work difficult. It's gotten to the point lately where I was wondering if I would have to go to HR...then he swtiches gears and is overly friendly...it's all a game... I'm not saying that this will happen in your situation, I just want you to understand how difficult it can get...please just tread lightly and, no matter how hard it is, keep it professional only.
anne1707 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Becky It's tough but it can be done. I work with the ex-OM. The A ended over a year ago and whilst I having been looking for a job since then, I work in a specialised sector so jobs only come up once or twice a year at my level! Keep it professional - only talk work. No asking about how he is or what he has been doing and don't answer any personal questions from him. Make more use of email rather than going to see him or phoning him - it helps keep the relationship more formal and distant. It can also be useful to have email evidence if the ex starts being difficult at work which is something I have had to contend with. I know that he cannot deny me telling him something or that I have requested information if I have an email to that effect. If he tries to flirt, ignore or walk away. Or tell him to stop - that his behaviour is unacceptable. It depends on how bad it gets & whether you want to make a scene in front of colleagues. I had the ex-OM looking me up and down, trying to catch my eye, making comments about my dress, for months after it had ended and that was inspite of him seeing someone else. Have you got someone at work you could go to as a safety net if things get bad - someone who knows about the affair and will provide a shoulder to lean on if needed (or will just listen to you having a rant!) It will make it harder to get over but it is possible. And I tell you something - it feels really good when you realise that you have had a good day at work and you have not seen or spoken to him. My H absolutely hates that I work with him and if you start seeing someone else, they may also find it a problem. Apparently the ex-OM's now fiancee has no problem at all that he works with me - but I (& others) strongly suspect that she knows absolutely nothing about me. Can't wait for the invitation to the wedding
Author becky2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 I took everyones advice and have kept it to work ONLY, no personal at all. He is now walking around like a lost puppy, I don't know what to think anymore. What does he expect? I don't think we can be friends after everything that has happened and honestly I don't think he should get to have both.
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Who cares? Let him walk around like a lost/hurt puppy. Be more concerned about YOURSELF and what you feel. Doing limited contact and only dealing with him on a professional level is easier for you. And yes, you're right, no friendship can happen after everything that's happened.
jj33 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 You are absolutely right Becky on both counts. He is a married man with whom you work. So you work together. Your job description does not include muse and baby sitter to xMM. If he is lost let him call his wife. His life is a product of his choices. You are not required to fill in the gaps.
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