BW007 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I don't know who said it, but they said to someone "She is not that special of a person, she was special to you once." or something like that. That is a great quote for kicking the ol' pedestal to the curb. Anyway it was what I needed to internalize right now. It's true. She wasn't that great. She has proved she is not a great person. She is messed up and has low self-esteem. It is true I loved her but now all I can think about is all the crap she pulled and I see a bunch of crap in retrospect that makes me really dislike her and not think much of her. I think the next phase in this healing process will be to not think of her anymore. I am well aware of my role in the relationship too, but I truly did my best to try everything to save the relationship, even if some of the things were the wrong thing, I tried my best.
carhill Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Probably uttered on LS many times, but here is my recent version: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2365147&postcount=3 Here's the important part from my personal experience: I'm not really angry at my wife (stbx) but I'm no more than cordial with her. We're not 'friends'. We likely never will be. There's no need. If we wanted to be with each other, we'd be married.
Author BW007 Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Move on. You're young. Many young ladies around. Your ex isn't anything special, as a human being. She was just special to you for awhile.-Carhill YEP THAT WAS IT! That was a little epiphany of a quote for me and was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you and I am glad I can attribute it now! Right on. Farm House!
Author BW007 Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 I have really struggled with this breakup and was doing a hell of a lot better until recently when it was all brought back up again. I sort of fell into a depression again and it was making me so crazy that I still have so many feelings for her (some of them too positive) when she has been such a crap GF. I need to constantly reinforce that she is nothing special to me because that is the way she has made it, for good. She did some really bad stuff.
Exit Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Eh... I've realized my ex isn't that special of a person, but I still love her. I've asked her to have one conversation with me and help me ease my suffering and move on, and she just keeps dodging me, what kind of worthless person can't spare 20 minutes to help someone if they know it will make them feel better. I shouldn't care about someone like that, but I do.
4givrnt4gtr Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Interesting. I tried to think of m ex that way...that he isnt special, just special to me. it just doesnt ring true to me at all. Its weird, cuz when I think about him objectively I know he is one special man. I dont have any ill feelings towards him at all, not even about the break up. It just isnt the right time at all. Objectively, even when i was with him i knew he was a really great guy. his morals were very like my own, he is extremely smart and I know he's going to go far in his life. And objectively i also think he has issues, like such a low self esteem that makes him incredibly insecured, indecisiveness, pessimist. Yet overall he is still a great guy. For some reason though that fact doesnt make me long for him any more or less than if i think he is the scum of the earth. I actually feel better thinking that although timing isnt right, and for whatever reason Im not what he was looking for, at least I got to meet a decent man who gave me hope that maybe, just maybe in a few years when Im ready Ill meet someone with similar positive qualities. But i guess it might be my unique situation, had he cheated on me, i would feel differently.... ah well, whatever works i guess
carhill Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 tried to think of m ex that way...that he isnt special, just special to me. it just doesnt ring true to me at all. Of course not. You loved him. Ponder for a moment how insignificant he is to the billions of other people in the world. That's the true measure. He was singularly special to you. He was and is insignificant to existence. We all are. Just one tiny part of a huge machine; mortal, removable and replaceable. He was fortunate that he enjoyed your value for the time he did, and you his. That's what life is about, being fortunate to exist
Author BW007 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Well, that worked for a while and will still be helpful, but this still keeps coming back when I least expect it. It is important to keep remembering that she is not all that but I can't pretend I don't miss her a lot. It has been NC since April 3. Should a normal recovery be beyond this. It seems too long to grieve.
Author BW007 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 When you have loved someone that you know is flawed, I think it makes it harder to be rejected by them. Does that make sense to anyone? I know she had a lot of problems and self esteem issues, and I felt like I made an effort to help her with some of that as much as I could, and I guess it messes with me because I know I have my faults too and I am so frustrated that she didn't give me the same sort of unconditional love. Now it is like the blockbuster movie "Unconditional Love Out Of Control!™"
carhill Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 When you have loved someone that you know is flawed, I think it makes it harder to be rejected by them. Everyone is flawed and imperfect. Some perhaps are more obviously so. Don't kid yourself. Neither they nor you nor I are perfect. No one is. Loving a flawed and imperfect person is part of what love is. Acceptance of the flaws. That doesn't mean it's unconditional. You love a child unconditionally. Some love their pets that way. It doesn't work like that in a healthy adult relationship. You communicate. You negotiate. You set and maintain boundaries. You compromise. All turn on conditions. If you feel devalued or like the love is being sucked out of you, and your conditions aren't being met despite your best efforts, the right thing to do is leave. And so we return to the OP
Author BW007 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 No, I realize "unconditional" is an ideal and lives in the same realm as "soul-mate". I just mean that I cannot seem to shutdown the wellspring of feelings I still have which are mostly inappropriate and have gone from being positive emotions to unhealthy ones for me. It is 5 months later and I still wish things were different. I have really internalized the reality of the situation is not going to change ever. But to realize that she is not that special anymore was a good step in the right direction. I wonder what OP means.
Author BW007 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 It is weird. I woke up realizing she is really pregnant by her new BF and was suddenly really glad it was not going to be my kid. I have one daughter already from a previous relationship,and she is all I could ever want as far as a kid goes. My feelings were hurt that my ex got knocked up so quick (4.5 months) but thank god really. I don't need that kind of chaotic drama. I don't want another kid. I would have had a kid with her, but that would not have been my first choice. I know exactly how much work and energy it takes to raise a kid and I am not really up for it again at this point in life. There are times when I still wish for the happy little family with her but who am I kidding? I am done having children and I was always honest about that in the relationship. It looks to me like that was the real dealbreaker for her maybe with her insto-preggo moves. That poor other bastard.He is like 45 with a 25 year old kid already. He will be spending his pension on college.hahahahahaha. Ok had a mean moment there, but if you have followed my story you would know how sad I have been. I am most def not sad that I am not going to be a dad with her cheating ass.
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