gordon_gc Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Ok, i know most of you will say "you shouldn't care" "it's not relevent" ect ect but just thought i'd ask what is going throught the head of someone wh needs space. Does that person actually care for the other person ? Does that person actually miss the other person ? ect...ect... I'd be curious to hear from people who actually needed space, or have been required to give space. Just asking because I know it would help me handling the break a bit better and I really need that support right now. Thanks
carhill Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Personally, I don't use the verbiage. I either work things through in the R or M or leave with the intention of never returning. Our MC essentially echoed this perspective; one of always progressing the relationship rather than escaping from it to have 'space'. Separation breeds divorce, he said. Right on the money Hopefully someone more adept with relationship games than myself can decode the language. To me, 'space'= 'gone'. Have a nice life
boogieboy Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 No the other person feels smothered, thats why they say they need space. Sometimes they think they want to see if they can live without you before making a breakup permanent. That and usually they are trying to let you down easily and slowly. They say they need space before breaking the news about breaking up. They think its kinder to drag it out instead of making a clean break.
Author gordon_gc Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 so would you make it easier for yourself and the other person by simply contacting the person and asking for a clear position....BREAK UP OR NOT ? or will it just lead to more dissapointment ?
carhill Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I'd be curious to hear from people who actually needed space, or have been required to give space. My wife got to enjoy her 'space' in my demented mother's vacant house, courtesy of me. All that happened there was nothing; marking time and no work on our marriage. I should've sent her packing back then, but I was a fool. Not foolish any more, just guilty that I blackened my mother's memory with stbx in her house
boogieboy Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 so would you make it easier for yourself and the other person by simply contacting the person and asking for a clear position....BREAK UP OR NOT ? or will it just lead to more dissapointment ? You dont even do that... if they give you the "space" line, you cut off all communication right then. Dont even tell them. Theyre not coming back anyway, so ignore them. It drives them nuts. Thats the way I would do it, after learning about the BS space line here.
Author gordon_gc Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Million dollar question. How do you do when you need to get a couple of important stuffs from the person ? (ie > External Hard Drive with work stuffs, some money I lent). There are also clothes but this, i can live without...not the rest !
possession1 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 i think breaks and space can be good work on yourself and see where you went wrong my exbf screwed up so much that i didnt want to break up but i couldnt stand to be around him when he wouldnt shape up
Author gordon_gc Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 i think breaks and space can be good work on yourself and see where you went wrong my exbf screwed up so much that i didnt want to break up but i couldnt stand to be around him when he wouldnt shape up It's been difficult so far but also good. I've realised a few issues I had and have my own life happening now (hanging out with my friends, ect..). Just that I purely and simply miss the person. :-(
possession1 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 It's been difficult so far but also good. I've realised a few issues I had and have my own life happening now (hanging out with my friends, ect..). Just that I purely and simply miss the person. :-( It made me miss and appreciate him, but sadly he didnt work on himself while we were together or apart. I thought if he missed me he would appreciate what he had and try harder And by try harder stop lying and ignoring me
Author gordon_gc Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 It made me miss and appreciate him, but sadly he didnt work on himself while we were together or apart. I thought if he missed me he would appreciate what he had and try harder And by try harder stop lying and ignoring me well, in my situation, I know she wants space because things are going too fast and she is scared of more commitment. I'm just lost and find it so unfair to be so suddenly appart from the person. On the other end, I know it's not fair from me to oblige her to let the whole situation going faster if it scares her. What I have trouble accepting is that she wanted me to commit more initially. I made the effort, got attached and now, she realises it's gone too fast...kinda unfair :-(
leap83 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Gordon: It IS unfair. I don't think you should wait - cut your losses and move on. I was in the same position a couple of weeks ago - the guy needed space because things were moving too fast (bla bla bla bla bla - he needed to work on the issues - bla bla bla bla bla). You know what ended up happening? He's blaming me for EVERYTHING. Don't let yourself go through this. I'm telling you - it emotionally drains you. I'm totally and utterly drained right now and I feel like I've brought all of this on myself. So, cut the losses. Let her go. If she wants to come back, decide whether you want her back or not. If not, then you're good - because you already let go and moved on. Be a bit selfish. That's what she is doing anyway. But don't believe her - I believed EVERYTHING the guy said because I thought "why in the world would he lie to me?!" and guess what?! It was all bull****. I didn't need him to tell me this. I figured it out on my own. So, you can take my advice or you can roll with the punches when they come. It doesn't cost you to move on and take care of yourself. That's what you need to do right now.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Does that person actually care for the other person ? Does that person actually miss the other person ? ect...ect... Yes, but it is waning and not waxing. They are letting you go, in other words. Your best bet is to put your needs over theirs. Their need is to 'let go at their own pace'. Your need is to 'get it over with and start healing'. I know it is hard to let go of that hope that they might come back. You find yourself stepping on increasingly brittle eggshells just to make sure you don't piss them off or push them away. What people fail to realize is that regardless of your actions, they are going to walk away. If you push for reconciliation or explanation or there is someone else involved, the process only goes that much further. 'Time', 'space' etc is a runaway train with no 'reverse'.
sultry33 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 hi op, has it actually been said that they need space? or more of a not calling in a while? Im going through this atm as i feel really suffocated by my bf and he is driving me away.. i have discussed the i need lots of space thing but he agrees but then carries on trying to get more time with me and when we do have time together he dont leave:mad: Just today he is messaging me after not talkin to me in 24hrs all but a text. please respect her need for space if its just that thats needed
Author gordon_gc Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 well, After a long time thinking of it. I've made the decision I wanna call it off (the relationship). I'm suffering too much from that whole game "let's create a communication breakdown BS". Obviously, she doesn't know what she wants and she needs to figure it out. Me being around is not gonna help her nor me. I also need to figure out what i want. I realise i've been sorta 'the rebound guy' with her and we need to keep away from eachother for a bit. Maybe just the time to finally know what we both want. It's a hard decision and my only problem now is that I feel I have to do this face to face more than by email or text. Problem is that she might interpret my wish to see her as something bad. How do i get to meet to break up ?
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