Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 You misunderstood me. Most people do In any event, I will say this. Don’t listen to what people tell you to do. Absorb the advice, and make your OWN decision. YOU, listen to YOU. I have been making my choice. I listen to advice on here, and I go with what feels right for me. And that's what I'm doing now.
carhill Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I stopped multi-dating when I was single mainly due to the casual way women blew me off, much like your guy 'disrespecting' you by not calling or confirming/regretting. See, when it's casual, it doesn't matter. There are no expectations of courtesy. Things come up and one has no investment in the other person of any significant sort, so it doesn't matter whether they see them or not. I learned this from women
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 What if I don't want to have high expectations at this point? What if I don't want someone to have high expectations of me?
kizik Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Dreamergrl, it's clear to anyone with two eyes that you have no idea what you want. God spare the man who falls into that ambiguous trap. A smart guy is not going to tolerate being one of your little dating experiments. And you won't even have to tell him you're multi-dating, it'll be written all over every single moment of your distracted interactions.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Dreamergrl, it's clear to anyone with two eyes that you have no idea what you want. God spare the man who falls into that ambiguous trap. A smart guy is not going to tolerate being one of your little dating experiments. And you won't even have to tell him you're multi-dating, it'll be written all over every single moment of your distracted interactions. And you would know how I am while interacting on a date, how? I give the person I'm out with my full attention thank you very much. I have a good idea about what I want. It's about finding the guy that has what I want to offer. That's what dating is. Getting to know the person to find out if they are what you want. Personally I think you just enjoy putting down others.
carhill Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 What if I don't want to have high expectations at this point? What if I don't want someone to have high expectations of me? No worries. The key is to respond consistent with your un-high expectations. The key here is, as of yet, these men are not even 'friends'; we have some minimal expectations of friends, like they'll call and cancel on a get-together. There are no shared interests with these men, no friendship. This is the upside (and downside) of dating relative strangers. For example, on my transcon Saturday, I met this great lady from Florida who was returning home from her home in Mexico. We talked about a lot of things; travel, vintage cars, fashion. She shared some magazines she brought with me. I gave her some tips on maximizing her mileage earning while flying and told her about our SIN(Singapore) do, someplace she's long wanted to travel to. We walked off the jetway and went our separate ways. Nice lady, fun time, no expectations. 5 1/2 hours went by quickly. Life is good. Does that make sense? Enjoy the time you spend with these multi-date guys with no expectations of any future. If you're not interested in a relationship right now, it's really no different than my plane ride. Enjoy
sugarmomma Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Dreamer, you say that you don't want to have expectations, but you want to be treated well? That is an expectation and it is okay to have reasonable expectations of men who claim to be interested in you. You deserve to be treated like a woman. I think the definition of casual dating has just been reduced to mean "booty call". There's nothing wrong with having expectations, in fact the are necessary to meet someone worthy of you. Like the expectation of... Honesty Respect Courtesy Care Concern Reliability Dependability Understanding.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Dreamer, you say that you don't want to have expectations, but you want to be treated well? That is an expectation and it is okay to have reasonable expectations of men who claim to be interested in you. You deserve to be treated like a woman. I think the definition of casual dating has just been reduced to mean "booty call". There's nothing wrong with having expectations, in fact the are necessary to meet someone worthy of you. Like the expectation of... Honesty Respect Courtesy Care Concern Reliability Dependability Understanding. I said I don't want to have HIGH expectations and I don't want HIGH expectations expected of me. I've said that several times. I asked CarHill a hypothetical question, that was all. And I haven't been anyone's booty call - thanks.
kizik Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Personally I think you just enjoy putting down others. Uh, no. I enjoy good decision-making and attempting to aid in it. You start threads asking for advice and weed out the responses that you only want to hear. I'm telling you from a guys' perspective that multi-dating is a bad move b/c you will always be hedging one guy against the other, at least in your own mind. Anyway, I hope you DO find someone.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Uh, no. I enjoy good decision-making and attempting to aid in it. You start threads asking for advice and weed out the responses that you only want to hear. I'm telling you from a guys' perspective that multi-dating is a bad move b/c you will always be hedging one guy against the other, at least in your own mind. Anyway, I hope you DO find someone. And, as advised, I did NOT invite anyone else.
boldjack Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I think that you are not being realistic. CLC2008 had some great insight. If all of you, (you and your dates) are casual, then why are you upset? If it's casual, then he probably didn't think it was important to either of you to make special plans. If he came, he came, if he didn't , he didnt', what's the big deal? If he calls you, it's OK, if he don't, that's ok too. Hey, it's casual!! You say that you want it that way, yet you expect the guy(s) to be more than that. If you go through life with a non-commmittal attitude, then that's what you will have, no committement. Why would anyone commit to you, when you won't commit to them?
boldjack Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 BTW, if you tell a man that you want to date him, but that you also want to date others, and it's ok for him to do it too, the I would be most leery of the guys , who would accept such a proposal. What man with an ounce of self-worth would be willing to do it? I certainly wouldn't. I deserve better than a woman , who is so indecisive and is showing me so little respect, as a man.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I think that you are not being realistic. CLC2008 had some great insight. If all of you, (you and your dates) are casual, then why are you upset? If it's casual, then he probably didn't think it was important to either of you to make special plans. If he came, he came, if he didn't , he didnt', what's the big deal? If he calls you, it's OK, if he don't, that's ok too. Hey, it's casual!! You say that you want it that way, yet you expect the guy(s) to be more than that. If you go through life with a non-commmittal attitude, then that's what you will have, no committement. Why would anyone commit to you, when you won't commit to them? OMG I'm not upset about it. I just decided that if he can't have the decency to call and say he's not coming, he's not someone I want to continue seeing. Even with casual dating (as others, not just me have mentioned) you don't make plans and bail on them with out notification. So I decide not to see him. I wasn't the only girl he was seeing as well. But that doesn't mean you make plans with someone, and not bother to call and tell a person you aren't coming. So it has nothing to do with 'committing'. Even though I'm casually seeing someone, that doesn't mean I'll flake out on them. Just because it's casual doesn't mean I'll be rude with them.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 BTW, if you tell a man that you want to date him, but that you also want to date others, and it's ok for him to do it too, the I would be most leery of the guys , who would accept such a proposal. What man with an ounce of self-worth would be willing to do it? I certainly wouldn't. I deserve better than a woman , who is so indecisive and is showing me so little respect, as a man. Um, actually he came out and told me first that he was seeing other girls. I was bringing up the conversation, just asking if he's seeing anyone else, and he said yes. Asked me, and I told him the truth.
boldjack Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I'm glad that you were honest. I don't see that it matters, in your case, because it's still casual, right? If the situation doesn't agree with you, just blow him off, and get another of your admirers.:D
kizik Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 The way you respond to posters here really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. "Hello, OMG, um, thanks!" None of us has to write on your threads, dreamergrl. Don't post them if you don't want honest opinions, and don't act condescending to people who are simply trying to open your eyes. If you want reassurance and validation, speak to your mom. This attitude of yours leaves a lot to be desired. A little humility and gratitude for people trying to help you would be in order. And no, I'm not asking you to thank ME, but to perhaps show a little grace to the multitudes of peons who dare to comment on your life.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 The way you respond to posters here really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. "Hello, OMG, um, thanks!" None of us has to write on your threads, dreamergrl. Don't post them if you don't want honest opinions, and don't act condescending to people who are simply trying to open your eyes. If you want reassurance and validation, speak to your mom. This attitude of yours leaves a lot to be desired. A little humility and gratitude for people trying to help you would be in order. And no, I'm not asking you to thank ME, but to perhaps show a little grace to the multitudes of peons who dare to comment on your life. Well assumptions of myself, what I'm doing, and what not get a little irritating. Getting on me about not respecting this guy, yet he's dating the same way I am. How much sense does that make?
9Lives Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 It does make him a little less attractive to me, unless he's got a good reason. It's also very strange for him not to get back to me. I tried calling this morning and nothing. I think perhaps he's found other female company he likes better. Just a gut feeling. I wont try calling him any more today. And if he doesn't show, I'm not going to attempt contact. I'll be backing off. I do enjoy his company. I like being around him. He's from my home state, and an are I'm very familiar with, so it's neat for me to hang with someone who can get my references to home and what not. If he isn't coming, that is fine, I'd just like to know. And if it's not respectful, I'm sorry, but I'd like to have a date for this. I wonder if he'll just pop up. Maybe his phone got lost or something, I don't know. It's just very strange for him to not respond. He always has before. With in a few hours. i say invite another guy and if the the original guys shows up he just going to have to deal with it or leave. Look at it this way You wanted a date at the bbq You invited a guy He has not called you back. You dont know what he going to do YOU STILL WANT A DATE AT THE BBQ Invite another guy If guy A shows up...well he should have had the decency to tell you he was coming so it is on him. You dont have to be a b/ch about it but just say I invited another friend cause you didnt say anything. He will then learn to respect you or keep it moving. He could have called.
9Lives Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Well assumptions of myself, what I'm doing, and what not get a little irritating. Getting on me about not respecting this guy, yet he's dating the same way I am. How much sense does that make? You deserve respect PERIOD. It is okay to date others but respect is like air. You have to have it or you die...men like it when we make them respect us. Another hard lesson for me
boldjack Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Kizik, Dreamer has the right to do as she chooses. As you do. Disagreeing with her, doesn't give you or anyone the go-ahead to be disrespectful. IMO
Keoki Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I'm going about dating that works better for me. I hate to have to state the obvious here, but it's NOT working for you.
loveslife Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Leave Dreamer alone already. She doesn't owe anyone here an explanation. I mean, I gave her my ten cents or so, as did many others. Now let her be!! It's getting really obnoxious the way people are putting her down. Dreamer, go back to your life and let this thread go away. I have a feeling that's what you're doing. Good luck and sweet dreams.
sally4sara Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Multi dating doesn't have to be disrespectful to anyone. I did it when my ex husband and I split up for about a year. You have to be honest when someone shows interest and asks you if your single. "Yes, I have been dating around but have not found anyone to get serious about; I figure till then there is no reason to not at least make friends." And you don't cancel unless you're ill. Not for nothing because it is rude. I don't make friends by being rude to people, I can't imagine getting a BF by being rude either. You have to respect boundaries too. Say you accept a couple dates with a guy who also is multi dating. You tell him you enjoy his company but if he is getting more intimate with someone else, you'd prefer to know rather than continue dating him. You're really clicking with him, but meanwhile, one night, he gets more intoxicated than he typically would and sleeps with one of the other girls he is seeing. If you'd expect him to share this with you - you better be prepared to extend this same courtesy to anyone else who has this kind of boundary. No "oops I totally didn't mean to do that so I won't disclose" crap. Because really it is about deciding what kind of relationship you can or cannot live up to and not wasting the time of anyone who doesn't seek similar relationships. It is also good practice for when you've recently gotten out of something serious and don't want to jump right away into something heavy. You get to practice keeping your word and developing your preferences which will serve you well when you do meet someone you really like.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Kizik, Dreamer has the right to do as she chooses. As you do. Disagreeing with her, doesn't give you or anyone the go-ahead to be disrespectful. IMO Thank you BoldJack - it is very refreshing that even though we disagree, that you respect my choice enough to say that. That is really awesome, and I appreciate that a lot. Because you at least respect me and my choice enough to understand me to treat me as another being. I give up... So be it. We have our differences, so fine. We disagree. So fine. I hate to have to state the obvious here, but it's NOT working for you. Are you me? Do you know and understand what is working for me? Leave Dreamer alone already. She doesn't owe anyone here an explanation. I mean, I gave her my ten cents or so, as did many others. Now let her be!! It's getting really obnoxious the way people are putting her down. Dreamer, go back to your life and let this thread go away. I have a feeling that's what you're doing. Good luck and sweet dreams. THANK YOU LL - I know we don't completely agree on the situation, but it means a lot to me that you at least trust my choice right now. And I'm glad even though we don't 100% agree, you at least trust my judgment enough to let it lie. I am working out what I need to be working out with the situation that lays at hand. Multi dating doesn't have to be disrespectful to anyone. I did it when my ex husband and I split up for about a year. You have to be honest when someone shows interest and asks you if your single. "Yes, I have been dating around but have not found anyone to get serious about; I figure till then there is no reason to not at least make friends." And you don't cancel unless you're ill. Not for nothing because it is rude. I don't make friends by being rude to people, I can't imagine getting a BF by being rude either. You have to respect boundaries too. Say you accept a couple dates with a guy who also is multi dating. You tell him you enjoy his company but if he is getting more intimate with someone else, you'd prefer to know rather than continue dating him. You're really clicking with him, but meanwhile, one night, he gets more intoxicated than he typically would and sleeps with one of the other girls he is seeing. If you'd expect him to share this with you - you better be prepared to extend this same courtesy to anyone else who has this kind of boundary. No "oops I totally didn't mean to do that so I won't disclose" crap. Because really it is about deciding what kind of relationship you can or cannot live up to and not wasting the time of anyone who doesn't seek similar relationships. It is also good practice for when you've recently gotten out of something serious and don't want to jump right away into something heavy. You get to practice keeping your word and developing your preferences which will serve you well when you do meet someone you really like. I love this post. Not because it answers all my unmet questions, but because I can complete 100% understand and comprehend. She put it to the point where multi dating makes perfect sense to me. It is something I can completely relate to and understand.
Recommended Posts