SadandConfusedWA Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 But see, I'm not ready for a long term exclusive commitment just yet. I want to date, and meet more people. I don't want to settle down right now. And just so we are all clear, I'm not sleeping with multiple people. How far away is being exclusive from multiple dating? It depends on if/when I meet a man that is right for me, and shows that he's worth it. I'm done settling for less then what I deserve. And I'm trying to date in a way that works for me. I'm honest about it with those I'm dating. And I refuse to commit to one guy when I don't know if he's worth it. What if I would have committed to this guy? Where would I be left standing? But I think that you are ready. You are only multi-dating because a) it will increase your chances of getting a long term bf in the shortest amount of time and b) you will have less time/mental space to obsess over a particular guy thus less chance of freaking him out and driving him away. I get the sense that you desperately want to settle down and are not too picky who with. If any of these guys were to hang around that would be the next bf. As it is, they are making a choice for you (i.e not showing up etc).
Author dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 But I think that you are ready. You are only multi-dating because a) it will increase your chances of getting a long term bf in the shortest amount of time and b) you will have less time/mental space to obsess over a particular guy thus less chance of freaking him out and driving him away. I get the sense that you desperately want to settle down and are not too picky who with. If any of these guys were to hang around that would be the next bf. As it is, they are making a choice for you (i.e not showing up etc). I think I'd know if I wanted to have a serious relationship right not, and if what you say is true, then I'd have only dated the guy in the OP and not other people. I was seeing him since like two weeks after I moved here. Another guy I was seeing came out with me and my friends and he started being a jack ass to one of my friends, I told him no more, and asked him to leave. That was a while ago, though, and at that time I was only seeing the guy in the OP besides him. My point in this - is if I'd settle for anyone, I'd have allowed this behavior. As well as the not showing up.
boogieboy Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I know dreamer isnt settling. I understand everyones concerns, but after seeing Dreamers attitude change since moving to colorado, even if the flaky guy was the only guy she was dating, he wouldnt have lasted long. Its obvious he made her a plan B, and she wont stand for that regardless. Dreamer knows what its like to REALLY click with someone, and she knows better than to invest in someone that she doesnt feel it with completely anyways. She gave the guy a few chances. Theres plenty others out there, she will know when the real spark shows up. The more guys she casually dates, the more personality types she will discover that she knows to avoid in the future. I know you know what youre doing Dreamer! keep doin your thang-thang....
Isolde Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Dreamr, just a thought... do you go into dating expecting that most of the guys will be flaky? Low expectations in general can send out vibes you might not want to send.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Soul search & Dreamer, this is exactly the point I'm trying to make. If you date multiple people, you mind set will inevitably become one of your "A", date or your "B",date. Somebody is going to get hurt, but you seem not to care, as long as it isn't you. Oh, dude - I can't multi-date. I'm a hell of a multitasker, but I'm not THAT good. My comment about inviting somebody else was because Dreamer IS mult-dating. I don't judge that. IMO, everybody can live their own code of ethics - it's not my job to change their mind. I support people in their choices. Personally - I care about people too much to be able to split what I'm starting to feel for "A" date to go on "B" date.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I've never been one to multiple date (but will fight to the death your right to do so, dreamer and SS). Jeebus. LOL I can't multi-date, either. haha
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Jeebus. LOL I can't multi-date, either. haha Oops, sorry. I was just referring to what someone else said.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Oops, sorry. I was just referring to what someone else said. It's all good. I was just laughing because I was imagining all kinds of rumors about Soulsearch going around LS. Can't have that.
boldjack Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 For the record, Dreamer, You have the right to date as many men as you like. Whether or not you are intimate with more than one at a time , is also your right. Carhill made some very good points. My problems with multiple dating has to do with my own sense of self-worth. and my respect for women. I will not compete for a woman's affections, that would be beneath me, and if a woman is a "prize to be won", that reduces her to the level of property, to be claimed by the victor. I have way too much respect for women, to treat them as such. You have said in your posts that you will be exclusive with the man who in your words, is "worth it', and that you "deserve better", you also talk about "investing", or not in a man. In my opinion, this is evidence of your lack of respect for men, you are more interested in finding "the greatest prize", and not the "love of your life". Seems pretty callous to me, but then, I'm a romantic..
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I know dreamer isnt settling. I understand everyones concerns, but after seeing Dreamers attitude change since moving to colorado, even if the flaky guy was the only guy she was dating, he wouldnt have lasted long. Its obvious he made her a plan B, and she wont stand for that regardless. Dreamer knows what its like to REALLY click with someone, and she knows better than to invest in someone that she doesnt feel it with completely anyways. She gave the guy a few chances. Theres plenty others out there, she will know when the real spark shows up. The more guys she casually dates, the more personality types she will discover that she knows to avoid in the future. I know you know what youre doing Dreamer! keep doin your thang-thang.... Thank you! Dreamr, just a thought... do you go into dating expecting that most of the guys will be flaky? Low expectations in general can send out vibes you might not want to send. Nope, I gave this guy a second chance after being flaky last time. I don't write someone off for one mistake. But when it happened again, then he got written off. I'm not going to expect too much either though, as that was one of my problems before my dating break. Oh, dude - I can't multi-date. I'm a hell of a multitasker, but I'm not THAT good. My comment about inviting somebody else was because Dreamer IS mult-dating. I don't judge that. IMO, everybody can live their own code of ethics - it's not my job to change their mind. I support people in their choices. Personally - I care about people too much to be able to split what I'm starting to feel for "A" date to go on "B" date. It's not that I don't care about people. It's that I'm not letting myself get over invested. The person I was going to invite if the guy wasn't coming, I had been out with once, and I haven't gotten to know him enough to be that vested. But I ended up not inviting any one else other then friends. And I enjoyed myself just the same. Having a date would have been nice, but it still worked out just fine For the record, Dreamer, You have the right to date as many men as you like. Whether or not you are intimate with more than one at a time , is also your right. Carhill made some very good points. My problems with multiple dating has to do with my own sense of self-worth. and my respect for women. I will not compete for a woman's affections, that would be beneath me, and if a woman is a "prize to be won", that reduces her to the level of property, to be claimed by the victor. I have way too much respect for women, to treat them as such. You have said in your posts that you will be exclusive with the man who in your words, is "worth it', and that you "deserve better", you also talk about "investing", or not in a man. In my opinion, this is evidence of your lack of respect for men, you are more interested in finding "the greatest prize", and not the "love of your life". Seems pretty callous to me, but then, I'm a romantic.. Well, why should I have committed to a guy who flaked out once before, then have done it again? Does he deserve respect? This time, not even a phone call to cancel? Yeah, I do deserve better then that. I'm not going to settle for less. Why would I want to be exclusive with someone who isn't going to treat me the way I deserve, want, and need? Just as I wouldn't expect a man to be with me if I'm not what he deserves, wants, and needs. And later on in my life, I do want the best man for me. I used to make the worse choices in men, and I promised myself I would no longer do that. I could have missed out on meeting a great man by wasting my time on the ones that treated me poorly. If I click with a guy, and he's good to me (as in treats me well), and I can see LTR possibility in him, then I'll stop multiple dating. I don't feel like I'm a prize to be won. Nor do I want guys 'completing' for me. I just want to casual date, and see who I meet.
boldjack Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Dreamer, I guess we will have to agree to disagree. I believe that a person should date one person at a time, evaluating them in the process. If they aren't the right fit, THEN move on to the next person. I just do not think you can give 2 or 3 people the same level of attention, at the same time. JMHO.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Dreamer, I guess we will have to agree to disagree. I believe that a person should date one person at a time, evaluating them in the process. If they aren't the right fit, THEN move on to the next person. I just do not think you can give 2 or 3 people the same level of attention, at the same time. JMHO. And this was the point I was making. Dreamer, I'm not saying you don't care about people. But in my own experience, I don't think I'm making it fair for the person in front of me when I have some other person waiting in the wings if this one doesn't work out. I wonder if it would make it HARDER for you to get invested if you DID find the right guy. Or how about the dreaded, "I'm in love with both of them!"? I could not personally do it. But if you can, power to you. I have no judgment on your choices. People have to do what makes them happy. It's a compartmentalization problem. I can't. It's really odd. I don't even want to explain my problem in depth, or I'm going to sound like a big weirdo. LOL But I have basically zero compartmentalization ability.
carhill Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 So, some women can multi-task chores and others can multi-task men OP, my best advice is to proceed as you see fit, mindful of some of the warning signs offered here. Best wishes
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Poor Dreamer has been racked over the coals, it seems. But I have found what people are saying interesting and I don't think it's sinking in for you Dreamer..... Keep reading after each quote.... Well, why should I have committed to a guy who flaked out once before, then have done it again? Does he deserve respect? This time, not even a phone call to cancel? Yeah, I do deserve better then that. I'm not going to settle for less. Why would I want to be exclusive with someone who isn't going to treat me the way I deserve, want, and need? Just as I wouldn't expect a man to be with me if I'm not what he deserves, wants, and needs. The whole point is to not get involved with flaky guys to begin with. Did you learn anything from the experience of this guy so maybe you'll figure the next jerk out quicker? Nobody thinks you should commit to a flaky guy. I expect that everyone thinks you should learn to not date them to begin with. This guy probably gave signs of being a flake right from the beginning. Maybe you let them slide because "it's just casual dating" or maybe because there was something familiar. By familiar I mean look at your dating history. It's full of jerks, right. So maybe you're comfortable with jerks somehow. (Believe me, this is not judging. I've made several whoppers of bad choices.) It all begins and ends with US. Ask yourself honestly why you even dated him to begin with. You don't have to tell us but tell yourself. And then ask yourself how you can avoid someone like him in the future. Don't just date anyone who asks. Don't just flirt with anyone. LEARN. Learn to be more honest with yourself about someone's character. And later on in my life, I do want the best man for me. I used to make the worse choices in men, and I promised myself I would no longer do that. I could have missed out on meeting a great man by wasting my time on the ones that treated me poorly. Do you think you're making better choices in men now or making the same choices but investing less? The trick is to choose better men. Not all guys are flakes or unable to commit or treat a woman well. I think you know how to recognize the good guys. If I click with a guy, and he's good to me (as in treats me well), and I can see LTR possibility in him, then I'll stop multiple dating. Is that what you're waiting for? Then don't date a guy unless you click with him and he's good to you and you see long term potential. I don't feel like I'm a prize to be won. Nor do I want guys 'completing' for me. I just want to casual date, and see who I meet. Well, I think you are a prize, just not the way some people are saying. You just have to learn to start looking for character over charisma or personality. And most importantly, I think you have to start learning to love and respect yourself. One thing I am learning about myself is I never loved and respected myself enough. It's only now that I believe I do. And with that comes the vision (the ability) to recognize what it means to be loved and respected from another since it's how I treat myself. It's about having a good relationship with yourself, feeling a strong sense of self. When that happens you'll ONLY have relationships with men who treat you well.
Keoki Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Didn't read the entire thread, but I will say this. You only just started casually dating the guy, so inviting him to meet all your friends (and possibly family, in his eyes) at your BBQ would understandably freak him out a bit and cause him to be noncommittal about it.
Kamille Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Great post loveslife. Dreamer, I understand why you are multidating and I know you are making the best choices for yourself. It sounds to me like you are trying to break a pattern (of being too into a guy too soon) and that the way you've found of doing this is multi-dating. So yeah, this is likely a temporary phase for you. Enjoy it! But I really like the advice you are getting here because I think everyone here senses that multidating is some kind of defence mechanism for you and they're prompting you to adress the reasons that made you put up with bad behaviour in the past and "invest" () in guys who weren't treating you well. Multidating is a band-aid on a deeper issue. I did go through a summer of serial dating and it was actually really good for me. I never really multidated, I would date a guy, decide he wasn't really right for me, then date another guy. And most of them really treated me well, but I just felt like our personalities didn't match. I guess what we're encouraging you to do in this multidating process is to learn to be selective. Now you're focusing on whether a guy follows up on plans and is into you. Switch the perspective and make it about whether or not you're into a guy. Make it about you and what you want - character wise- and not about their interest level in you (although of course, you will want to be with someone who thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread).
loveslife Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Kamille, I like what you're saying! Dreamer, ANYONE you date should be of the highest character, have high interest and treat you well. Those shouldn't even be issues in deciding if it's the right guy. Then it comes down to compatibility.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Seriously guys, I love that you care so much, but I'm just trying to date in a different way then I was before. I wasn't trying to disrespect the male species. I wasn't sure if it would be a bad thing to invite someone else, not knowing if this dude was going to show. He didn't show a sign until last week that he was flaky - as he always had good communication up until then. It was my sugguestion to move the date to the next day as I was tired. THen he moved the date up a few hours. I told myself if I got put off again, that would be it, and I'm sticking to that. I haven't attempted to contact him or what not. I set a boundary and am sticking to it. That's a vast improvement on how I used to be last spring. Let's say the flaking never happened - I don't know if we'd have clicked in the way that would make it so I wanted a LTR because I was trying to let things develope slower, opposed to how invested I'd get before. If it's a phase then so be it. I'm learning more and more what I want out of a guy. What I deserve. And I look at that as a positive thing. I'm not getting crushed for this guy or that. I'm handling things better. As for him freaking out about meeting some of my friends? I've met his brother and his gf. And it's been a good four weeks since we started dating. I don't think that was the issue.
CLC2008 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Seriously guys, I love that you care so much, but I'm just trying to date in a different way then I was before. I wasn't trying to disrespect the male species. I wasn't sure if it would be a bad thing to invite someone else, not knowing if this dude was going to show. He didn't show a sign until last week that he was flaky - as he always had good communication up until then. It was my sugguestion to move the date to the next day as I was tired. THen he moved the date up a few hours. I told myself if I got put off again, that would be it, and I'm sticking to that. I haven't attempted to contact him or what not. I set a boundary and am sticking to it. That's a vast improvement on how I used to be last spring. Let's say the flaking never happened - I don't know if we'd have clicked in the way that would make it so I wanted a LTR because I was trying to let things develope slower, opposed to how invested I'd get before. If it's a phase then so be it. I'm learning more and more what I want out of a guy. What I deserve. And I look at that as a positive thing. I'm not getting crushed for this guy or that. I'm handling things better. As for him freaking out about meeting some of my friends? I've met his brother and his gf. And it's been a good four weeks since we started dating. I don't think that was the issue. But in a way it is disrespectful, on both sides. Here’s why. Dreamer and Guy A, Guy B, Guy C, etc., are casually dating each other and multiple people at the same time. So, they all treat each other as such, casual. Dreamer and Guy A, Guy B, Guy C, etc., dislike when the other exhibits casual behavior and each dislike being the recipient of said treatment. They each feel disrespected. Now, if you can honestly say that you enjoy this type of arrangement, then there is no harm in casual dating for you... If what you "deserve" is being the recipient of "casual", then that's on you.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I don't feel disrespected about the guy seeing other girls. Because I've been casually dating other men. Two which made it through 2 dates, before I decided I did not want to see them. One which I only had one first date, last week with. I have only been seeing 2 at the most at one time. The guy in the OP is the only one I have consistently been seeing. So realistically there was no guy c. If two people are on the same page, and being honest with each other, I don't find that disrespectful. The guy in the OP was disrespectful in the sense of not calling to cancel. That's it. If I want things to be casual for me when dating right now, that is my choice, and I don't see how that is disrespectful. And as I've said over and over - when he flaked out on me, I decided that he wasn't treating me well enough, to at least be considerate of the fact that he made plans and didn't follow through. It's not as if I'm still seeing him, so why are you guys continuing to tell me I should date someone of a higher character. What I find just silly is the fact that when I was getting over invested in guys, I was advised by people on this board to go out and date other men. Not to concentrate on one guy. Now that I'm doing that, I get told that is wrong too. Yet I'm in a better mind frame now then I ever was in my dating life.
Kamille Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Hey! we're not all saying what you're doing is disrespectful. A lot of us have said you seem to be doing great, and the right thing for yourself. You don't have to defend yourself Dreamer. Most of us agree you're doing great and we're offering insight - because we think you deserve a great guy. Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest as non-applicable.
CLC2008 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 What I find just silly is the fact that when I was getting over invested in guys, I was advised by people on this board to go out and date other men. Not to concentrate on one guy. Now that I'm doing that, I get told that is wrong too. Yet I'm in a better mind frame now then I ever was in my dating life. You misunderstood me. Most people do In any event, I will say this. Don’t listen to what people tell you to do. Absorb the advice, and make your OWN decision. YOU, listen to YOU.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 The point that I was trying to make is that you are really not selective about the guys you date at all. Your selection is only based on their flakiness, their follow troughs or essentially their interest level. OF course you are not going to put up with men flaking on you repeatedly, it's common sense and if you did put up with it they would ditch you sooner rather then later. More often than not flaking is a sign of low interest level rather than an inherent personality trait. I have never heard you say, this guy really likes me but the chemistry is just not there from my side. It's like you would go for anybody as long as they would go for you. I am all for giving people a chance but one usually knows within first 1-3 dates if the chemistry is there. It seems like for you either the chemistry is ALWAYS there (which I find hard to believe) or you are willing to go forward without the chemistry for the sake of having a boyfriend. I mean, you mentioned a guy that got separated 2 weeks ago and you went out with him and possibly will go out again until he decides to start giving off signals that he is no longer interested in you. You just come across as very desperate for a boyfriend even if you say otherwise and I bet those vibes scare guys of within first few dates. When was the last time you actually rejected anyone? And no, seeing someone's picture on an online dating site and deciding not to go out with him because he is a 50 year old, 4l00lbs and still lives with his mum doesn't count.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 The point that I was trying to make is that you are really not selective about the guys you date at all. Your selection is only based on their flakiness, their follow troughs or essentially their interest level. OF course you are not going to put up with men flaking on you repeatedly, it's common sense and if you did put up with it they would ditch you sooner rather then later. More often than not flaking is a sign of low interest level rather than an inherent personality trait. If there is something of an attraction, and we have things in common, yes I will give a first date a shot. I have never heard you say, this guy really likes me but the chemistry is just not there from my side. It's like you would go for anybody as long as they would go for you. I am all for giving people a chance but one usually knows within first 1-3 dates if the chemistry is there. It seems like for you either the chemistry is ALWAYS there (which I find hard to believe) or you are willing to go forward without the chemistry for the sake of having a boyfriend. When I first started dating here, I had two first dates, both which there was no chemistry, both which I was asked out again, and I turned it down. There was a guy I had two dates with. I didn't click with him on a dating level, so I decided not to see him again. There was another guy I had two dates with, he had a terrible attitude that I could not be around, and so I told him that was it. And yes, there are guys from the online dating site that have asked him out, but the conversation and what not didn't really strike me as we had much in common, so I turned those down. But yeah, sure, I want to date whoever crosses my path. I mean, you mentioned a guy that got separated 2 weeks ago and you went out with him and possibly will go out again until he decides to start giving off signals that he is no longer interested in you. I said that I'd see how it went. I had a blast on the date, but I'm going to tread lightly as I don't want to get invested with a man who might end up back with his ex. Don't twist my words around to try and make a point. You just come across as very desperate for a boyfriend even if you say otherwise and I bet those vibes scare guys of within first few dates. If I was desperate, I'd have put up with the b.s. But I haven't. So you're statement here makes zero sense. When was the last time you actually rejected anyone? And no, seeing someone's picture on an online dating site and deciding not to go out with him because he is a 50 year old, 4l00lbs and still lives with his mum doesn't count. I answered this above.
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